Husband left me at 8 months pregnant...why?

Background info: My husband and I got married in 2010, I was 18 and he was 19. He proposed to me and chose the date(I didn't want to pressure him, I wanted him to decide when he wanted to marry, because I understood that we were young.) We were together since high school. I was his first serious relationship and we married eachother as virgins.

**Present day: He is 21 and I am 20**

We bought a house, then got married. Life was bliss, for about a year as expected...but we were going to college and he was working (I couldn't work due to a very demanding class schedule and he understood, so I did all I could to take are of the home/chores and cooking to make up for not bringing money in)

We decided to try for a baby( I know I know, soon, but we thought we were ready(atleast I thought, I really dont know what he was thinking, looking back at it now). We wanted children, and we had discussed it over and over and even changed our minds a couple of times. We werent in the best situation for a baby(We had money(not alot of course, but enough) and the room, and we had a plan, which I think is the best that anyone could do). So we tried for months...finally on the 4th month(last Nov.) we had conceived.

We were very happy and excited, planning the baby and all. I had problems with my back during this pregnancy so I was ordered not to do much(my joints were relaxing way too much and causing my pelvis to spread farther then it should, causing immense pain) so I tried to do most of the housework, but some days I just couldnt get it all done.
.

--All the while telling me that he was unhappy but he didnt know why, I was doing everything he asked of me, and he didnt want to leave me...but he still didnt know why he wasnt happy.--

Well, 2 weeks ago, we woke up one morning. Normal day, he initiated sex and it was one of the most passionate sessions we had in a while. He went to work, called me on his lunch break for a minute, then when he got off work (it was late) he called me to tell me he was coming home and that he loved me.

Well he came into the bedroom where I was and I gave him hug, he asked if we could talk. Sure, I said.

Well. Then he dropped the bomb.

Basically he told me he doesnt love me anymore. That he just doesnt feel it. He didnt really know why, but thats what he felt. HE wanted a divorce. HE just didnt want me anymore. Romantically we were done. He tried to hug me and comfort me but I was just too shocked to really...react. I was eerily calm, asked him if it was anyone else. HE told me there was noone and that he was completely faithful. He gave me his wedding ring. He asked me to take me to my parents.(Basically kicking me out)

I broke down while packing my stuff...called my mother to pick me up because I couldnt bear the thought of sitting in a car with him taking me home.

He locked himself in the bedroom while I waited for my mother in the kitchen. I was sobbing.

t's been almost 3 weeks, he doesnt contact me. The only time he called was when he told me he was dropping some of my stuff off at my parents house. The first stuff he packed was all of our wedding photos(because "we are done now") and he brought me all of my clothes.



His family has no idea why this is happening. I have no idea why(except for the "I dont love you"). I am giving birth in a matter of weeks. HE left me with no job, no home, no money(and he hasn't offered any), no vehicle, nothing.

I knew he was unhappy, but he told me I wasn't the problem and that he wanted this baby(our daughter). So why is he leaving me? Why have sex with me then dump me the same day? Why take me shopping for the month if he was going to get rid of me?


So many whys.


I dont think he is coming back. He is very indifferent, very dead behind the eyes. He is also adding many( I mean many, like more than 10) different strange women on facebook...most of which are very pretty and I cant compete with.



Any ideas on why he left? Should I file and give him what he wants? What should I file?? I dont want this, I want my family, I want him back...but I dont have any control. (Why do I want him back?)





I also know I wasnt a saint...but I did my best I thought, Id do anything for him and our marriage. I care for him so much, there were days where we didnt have much food and I would go without eating so he could. I appreciated him so much and always let him know. It seemed like the more I built his self confidence, the more he tore mine down in the end.

I am weeks before birth...what do I do? Will he ever come back?

How do I get over this man?

Sweetie, you NEED to file, and with the reason of DESERTION!!! And he also MUST pay child support and make sure that he does!!!

Honey, you do not want this man back. What would keep him from leaving you again, and again. And you will be having this baby soon, and he'd keep leaving you with this child. You will be safer and better off with your parents. You CAN'T count on this man. You can't rely on him. He'll just take off again. You CAN rely on your parents as they'll ALWAYS be there for you.

Time will help you get over this so-called "man." I used that term loosely as a REAL man would have stayed with his family. Give yourself some time, and it won't be long and you won't even think about this jerk any longer. I suspect that one day he'll find himself in jail.

God bless and please take care of yourself and that new baby! Hugs, Lee

PS - let us know when it's born, ok?

That's a very sad story, particularly since you're about to give birth. If I were him I would've waited till at least the baby was born.

I don't know what to tell you, but it sounds like he is depressed and confused. I don't think you should try and get him back or anything, because it sounds like he made some clear decisions about ending his relationship with you.

I don't know what to make of him adding those women in facebook. Maybe the responsibility of being an adult has become too much for him and he wants to be a free single man again. That's what it sounds like to me, anyway.

I am SO sorry to read what your husband has done to you!

I wish that I could understand his motivation behind his strange behavior, it makes NO sense to me whatsoever. Regardless of him wanting to now split up, he is still legally responsible for your and your baby's care. I wouldn't let him walk out on those responsibilities.

Maybe your hub has been overcome by desires for different women, to add to his tally. Whatever he's thinking, I can only imagine how painful these past few weeks have been for you. You have to take care of yourself and your baby though. Try to think about positive things, to get yourself through these last few weeks of pregnancy. Focus on name choices, decor, clothes, etc.

I do wish you the very best. I hope that things begin to improve soon emotionally. You deserve so much better than this shoddy treatment by your husband. Don't ever doubt that.

It sounds to me, that HE, not you, got married too young. Sort of like, he still wants to 'have fun', instead of being in a committed relationship.

Get him for desertion and child support.

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that he is leaving you in the lurch. In my opinion he has not grown up and is still acting like a teenager. All fun and no sense of responsibility. No one is perfect, but any man who would ditch you like that is seriously lacking in responsibility. I do not have any easy answers, but I do understand your struggle to make sense of this. I went through something like that when I was pregnant with my daughter. In the end he came back only to leave me again for an affair with another woman. It hurt but somehow I managed. From what I read in your post, you are strong and you will be all right. Things like this make no sense and I am not sure that there is a real answer to the question why. Perhaps he will come to his senses and come back and face up to his responsibilities but there is no guarantee. My heart just goes out to you

Hugs --- Larissa

I am very sorry to hear this. If I were you I would put all my focus on your precious new baby girl (congrats btw!!) The pain takes time to heal. It will get worse before it gets better. But you need to have the strength and courage to do for your daughter. Good luck with your birth...

I'm sorry that this is happening and my heart goes out to you. What a jerk? He probably is afraid of the responsibility and the idea of having a family to take care of and he wants to back out now. He is very young, both of you are. But he chose to have a child with you and he has a responsibility to your child so i would focus on getting child support like the others have said. I would not think about getting him back i know you are hurt and betrayed and lonely and scared but you need to lean on your parents and try to focus on you and your child. He is immature and cruel to boot, to do this to you, why would you want him in your life? You deserve better please believe that, he is not worthy of you. Again my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers.

I am so sorry this has happened to you...this broke my heart to read.

I will try to address as much as I can. Please forgive me if things are jumbled. I just got home from work, and my brain is practically screaming after reading what he did to you.

He sounds immature to me...as though he wants to "sow his wild oats" before he settles down. If that's what he wanted to do, he should've done this a long time ago, before you were married, and before you were carrying his child!

It's going to be natural to want him back. I don't think it's even so much wanting him back as it is wanting things back to how they were, and he's a symbol of that. I learned recently my (now ex)girlfriend was cheating on me, and I wanted more than anything to not end things. It's a part of the denial stage. It'll ease off with time, but it is difficult. You need to understand though that you gave it your all, and that HE failed YOU, not the other way around. That by failing YOU, YOU deserve better.

As far as why he would be intimate with you and leave you on the same day? I don't know...my only thoughts are that he was doing so to "gauge" what he still felt. That is cruel, I think, but I've heard of it before. I wonder if the sudden shift is from the fear of fatherhood? My stepfather acted very strangely when my mother was pregnant (his first biological child and baby. I was old enough to more or less fend for myself when they married), but he sort of "came to" after my sister was born. I don't think that makes this okay whatsoever, but...perhaps it can explain it.

As for you, try not to let this..."man," get to you right now. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to be taking care of yourself and as stress free as you can be right now. H e 100% owes it to you to pay child support, and you can file under desertion, I should think. Hell, speaking honestly, I'd try to slam him for alimony as well, if you aren't working at the moment. You and your daughter deserve to have his support, him there or not, as far as I see it.

I wish you my absolute best...please know I am praying for you. I wish I could do more to help. I will offer that my mom is very well versed in the ins and outs of divorce law due to the nature of her divorce, and I'm a prelaw major (albeit with a year of my undergraduate under my belt. Not much at all). If I can be of any help, please PM me.

How can one "gauge" how they feel about someone during 1 sexual encounter? Was his "love" for me not more than sex?

I feel raped, if that is the case.


I want him so much, and everyone around me is telling me he isn't a man and he is no good. But the man I married isn't like this. I know he is still there somewhere.

I just don't understand what I did to deserve him leaving me alone with our unborn child. So he doesn't love me, what makes me so unlovable...?

((((AbandonmentIssues)))),

It looks like many of the posters here are just seeing your husband as selfish and irresponsible and that he is just plain "bad" news and you need to file and detach.

I do agree that the two of you were very young when you made this decision about beginning a family. And there is huge hormanal urge to "have children" in most people at the age when they are most sexually driven and healthy. We are simply designed to do that, it is our original "design" as human beings, "to reproduce".
All one has to do is spend time really observing nature and the main drive in all of nature is "to reproduce" and that includes human beings as well.

One the facts that so many do not recognize is that if we are "attracted" to the opposite sex, we are often attracted to a lot more than just "the person". There are so many chemicals involved in this attraction that take over our senses that we are unaware of. We joke around and say "Love is blind" and what we don't realize is how true those three words really are.

What I truely feel that you are experiencing here is that your husband "did" love you.
He loved you in a very chemical way and there were also personal aspects about you that he loved as well. But the strongest part was the chemical love that we are designed to have "by nature".

What is taking place now though is that your husband has some very real fears about this very big commitment that is about to take place. And this fear is very common in "many men" and the closer it comes to the birth of a child, the more they become afraid and uncertain about what this means. And many men, especially young men, experience a lot of anxiety with this experience. They often don't understand it, only that it makes them confused and "afraid" and often their urge to "run" escalates as the reality "birth" approaches.

It is not so much all about "selfishness" on his part. In my opinion, he is very afraid and he just is detaching and distancing out of the fear. And it is probably not something he, himself can truely put into words either. This is not about him suddenly hating you, or suddenly not loving you either. This is all about him running scared, something he didn't even see coming, and many men don't see this coming.

What you need to do is focus on the birth of this child. I don't think you should take any action towards a divorce or final decision to detach from your husband. Give him space and time right now and don't pressure him for answers that he cant really give you right now.

This is not about you doing anything wrong either, so don't blame yourself and keep asking if this is because you are not pretty enough or any of the other things you pointed out that you could not manage to do.

What has to take place right now is the healthy birth of this child and you need to focus on trying to remain calm and put all your focus on what is best for this new life coming into the world. Make sure you "eat right" and play some calming music and be around people that love you where you can be "happy" about this precious event that is coming. This little life that is depending on "your love" is all that is important right now.

Once this happens and your husband eventually sees this new little person, he will have to adjust to "the reality" of what this really means. It is going to take him time to realize that his running away was never going to change the fact that he "is" now a father. And as time goes by, he will have to learn how to accept the fact that he IS a father and it will change that fear he had before into realizing that it is not such a scary thing after all.

Men do not have that "maternal instinct" built in like women do. Men do not know how to fit into what "having a child" really means. It is VERY normal for men to "fear" this experience.

So give this time, focus on you and the baby that is coming into your life and don't worry about anything else beyond that.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

(((AbandonmentIssue))),

I am very excited for you, I loved the experience of having my child and how amazing it really is. Wow, after I saw her, I just could not stop marveling at what I made and was holding in my arms. What a beautiful thing, a young human child is. To be a part of that, I never ceased to be amazed and awed.

Please let us know when the baby is born, I would love to see pictures too. This is something VERY special. Please come to PC and share.

And if you just need to talk and be assured some more, you can always PM me, or come here and post too.

You will be ok, this is a very special event coming, be happy.

Just so you know, I asked my husband and he said the same thing, "he is just scared". He remembers feeling scare too. So just give this time and focus on that new life.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

So he is scared of being a father, something I have always asked about, but he continues saying it wasn't about the baby and that he still wants to be in her life.

If this is really what this is, why pack up all of our wedding photos and all of my things, send me back to my parents house, and not contact me?

He sounds like his mind is made up and he wants this divorce.

I even finally talked to him today and I told him I was going to file and I was telling him that the reason I was letting him know was that so he won't be suprised. He told me he "wasnt surprised".

He is also adding like 30-40 new women on his facebook, almost all of them living around him, working around him, or graduating from the high school he lives near.

He told me that night he loved me like he loves his brother. That he just isn't "feeling it" anymore.

Open Eyes, I would love to believe this is a case of cold feet, but the longer this drags on, the longer I believe he really doesnt want me.

If this is him being scared/cold feet, this is one of the most rediculous and extreme cases I have ever seen.

Open Eyes, I really appreciate what you wrote. But I really feel this isn't just a case of cold feet.

He packed up all of my things, all of our wedding photos the next day.
He doesn't contact me. He ignores my calls(and I dont harrass him either, I went almost a couple of weeks with no contact).

He says romantically "we are done".

He says he still wants to be in our daughters life.


It seems as though his mind is made up.

Hey there AbandonmentIssues,

I am sorry to hear you are suffering through so much pain and confusion. Feelings of abandonment and betrayal are difficult to deal with especially since it's clear you still care very much for him. You made a promise to love each other and he has broken that promise. It hurts.

I commend you for having the courage to reach out and ask for help. Some would simply lapse into a depression and isolate themselves. Others might try to figure it out all on their own and eventually collapse under such a burden. You are wise to ask for help and I would encourage you to seek comfort from family and friends and perhaps even think about talking to a professional just to give you further advice.

What your husband has done is inexcusable. There is no good reason to abandon your family. He has made a decision and now you have to make your own decision. However, you are conflicted because none of this makes any sense and there is always the hope that he will realize the level of his stupidity and try to make amends. Some contemplate finalizing things and moving on and that might be the right decision depending on the full scope of the situation.

On the other hand, I do agree with some of the points Open Eyes brought up. From your description your husband doesn't sound like the typical jerk or abuser. He was working and going to school which shows a certain level of ambition and responsibility especially for someone so young. At one point he was excited about the prospect of starting a family with you so this gives me the impression that you were making important decisions together which is a good thing in a marriage. Yet there was an underlying unhappiness about him and he couldn't explain it. Again, your typical jerk or loser is more than happy to tell you why he hates the world so much and place blame on everyone and everything. He doesn't fit this description.

It sounds to me like he is frightened about the responsibilities and that is part of the reason why he left. He could also be struggling with a psychological malady that he doesn't understand. I had a close friend who literally went crazy when he found out that his wife was pregnant for the first time. He turned self-destructive and ended up in an institution for about a month. He was soon diagnosed with bipolar disorder. None of us could understand what was going on with him. His actions made no sense and I am talking about a guy who was very stable before all of this. He got meds and other help and his life returned to normal for the most part. Maybe this has nothing to do with your situation or maybe it's something to keep in mind. It's possible he does have something wrong with him and is unaware of it and that is something for HIM to get help with. I want to make it clear that that is not an excuse for what he did. It could be a sign of the beginning of a self-destructive cycle tho.

The one thing you should keep in mind at the very forefront of all of this is: this is NOT your fault. Whatever you do, do NOT blame yourself. You have shared your love with him and have been supportive and understanding. Take some time and make the best decision for you and your baby. He has opted out of the family so it is up to him to work his way back into your good graces if he ends up having a change of mind. Don't isolate yourself but surround yourself with people who will support you including this community.

Thanks for sharing and I hope things get better for you soon.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I really do feel for you. I was in a similar situation where my boyfriend packed all of his stuff and moved out. He said he wasn't in love with me too. I was devastated for months and people told me the same thing, they told you. That he is not a man...real men don't do that. But no matter what anyone said, I wanted to believe that he had made a mistake and he would come back to me. I knew he wasn't acting like the man I had fallen in love with. He was just making a huge mistake and I even tried to convince him of that. I thought about him night and day for months, until finally he told me to stop contacting him. It hurt so bad, but at the same time made angry enough to cut him out of my life. I deleted him from Facebook (I highly recommend you do this because you are going to torture yourself stalking him online) One thing that did stick with me was something my sister said. She said never take him back because if he does this to you once, he will do it to you again. I eventually realized he is a douchebag and it was his own insecurity and unhappiness that caused him to make a decision to leave. You two are both still so young. Since he has never been with any other women, he may want to experience that. I am not saying he won't come back to you but would you really want him back after he goes and tries out being single?

You deserve someone that isn't going to walk out on you. How can you trust him again? That was my main concern when he left me. I wanted him to come back so badly but in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't trust him again. And a relationship without trust is bound to be doomed.

It's going to be difficult for you to get over him, but it is possible. All I can say is focus on your child. Spend time with family and friends. Do not beg him to take you back. Keep your head high and your self-esteem intact. You deserve someone better than a coward who walks out on you while you are pregnant with his child.

Upon reading Openeye's post, I would concede my argument to her. She hit an angle I had not appropriately considered.

To clarify on my post (which I realize in retrospect was poorly worded...please forgive me), no, I truly do not believe his love for you was based on sex, absolutely not at all. I believe fully that he loved you. My point was that I believe he was reaching for what he used to feel for you, and that is how he chose to do it. That does not mean sex = love for him, but rather the passion and emotional connection of the act. Please, please accept my apologies if my post made you feel worse. That was certainly not my intention.

If I may do anything for you, please don't hesitate to ask me. I wish you nothing but the best, and know I will keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry to hear what your husband did to you. I know its devastating and none of us here can comprehend how you are feeling going through all this. Im going to be on the of the posters who say your husband is selfish mean ya da da. You have to remember you have to be strong. Not just for you but your future kid. You know the feeling of not being wanted and being deserted but your future child doesnt know that feeling. You have to be strong and be sure your child is loved almost as much as you loved your husband. Those feelings of rejection are 10X stronger for someone who is going to be so young in such a cold world.

Don't lose faith either you are loved. I hope someone who can help you push through these feelings that i cant possibly understand but I really hope this post helps in some way

((((AI)))) I am so terribly sorry about this situation. It breaks my heart for you.

I want to write something brilliant! Something that will make sense out of something totally senseless, and even more, explain away a cruel, selfishness, thoughtless act. that would help to take away all of your pain, doubt and sadness.

Alas! I am not that fabulous (although, I WISH I were). That said, my WISHES for you are far more attainable and reasonable:

I wish that all of your wishes come true (whatever those may be). And I wish you and your baby good health.

AI, the matter will sort itself out and the truth will be revealed with time.

Until then, I wish you peace and comfort. Angels to surround you.

Hugs to you,
Rose

Ok, I understand what you are saying here. I didn't want to jump on the wagon of calling him out as a bad person right away. After all you were a couple and he did agree to having a child.

The other thing that came to my mind was my own pregnancy, which I have not really shared. For the first few months my husband was there for me, but as I got near my ninth month he wasn't. One night he was out all night and never came home and I was worried sick but also very angry too. He came home the next morning, and by that time I was parked across the street where he could not see me. Part of me wanted to know he was ok, because I did love him. And as soon as I saw he was ok, I waited until he got in the house and I just left.

I had some problems with this before and he told me it would not happen again. I was so upset because I was so far along, how could he?

Well, it turned out down the road that my husband was a binge alcoholic. But when I was getting help I was told what I told you about men getting very cold feet near the birth of a child, especially their first born. I was told that some men "panic" for some reason. And sometimes after a child is born they slowly adjust, some take longer than others. It depends on the man.

So I didn't want to put any more anger in your mind right now. I was really thinking of helping you set "his issues" aside and focus on the more important thing, "this child".

If you can ((AI))) please do your best to not let yourself stress about the husband right now. Focus on lowering your anxiety, stress, and worry and how that is what is important for this new life inside you.
As you say, you are due in just a few weeks. Doing your best to focus on remaining as calm as you can right now is better for the child and it is only "just a few weeks" away.

While two people agreed to have a child, one was you, and this is a choice we make when we decide to have a child "be responsible to that child". And that is even now.

Hold off your anger until after this child is born. Then you can focus on the rest of your life and what comes next. It is just a few weeks and your and your baby's health "has" to come first.

If you can surround yourself with caring supportive people right now?
That is what you should do. I understand this is quite unexpected to you, and yes, I agree that it was wrong of this young man to choose this time to do this to "his" family. But he is "not" thinking about that right now, he is only thinking about "himself". That is something "he" will have to deal with over and over all of his life and maybe beyond.

Your priority is be a good mother first and foremost.

(((I am sorry this challenge is put in your path at this delicate time for you and your child))))
(((Please be strong and take care of YOU and your child)))

Open Eyes

What is worse, she has told me a few different times that she still loves me but doesn't think it is enough. Don't know what that means.

((((OE))))

I am so saddened that this happened to you...
I am sure now you know why he did this.. he is still immature and too young, sometimes things happen out of impulsion without thinking and what he did was wrong. A baby is big responsibility for both parents already, he doesn't seem like he has control over this. the baby's well being should be your priority don't focus on self hatred or self harm... you need someone better, especially with a baby on the way, who will be there no matter how difficult life gets.

I know how hectic things can get, I was pregnant once we were looking for houses, shopping for furniture, budgeting expenses, delivery cost, and I was still in school... my life was not even close to being situated and the environment wasn't right for a new baby. Then we lost it. I still don't know if I feel relief or pain

I hope things work out for you, please keep us posted

For some reason your story made me think about my brother-in-law. He was a kind, stable loving husband. Then when he and his wife had a baby, he developed some very serious mental health problems and basically abandoned his wife and child. Something about the baby/fatherhood/family (not sure exactly which; maybe all) triggered serious drastic changes in his personality and upset the balance of his mental health. They weren't a young couple at the time -- probably mid to late 20's at the time, so it wasn't an issue of being too young for them.

His behavior became unpredictable and unreliable, not like the person we all thought we knew. His wife tried to deal with the changes, but when the baby showed clear signs of being afraid of her father because of his generally odd behavior (he was not violent), his wife filed for divorce and moved on. Something very deep had changed in him, and he never did "come back". My brother-in-law never did make any effort to re-enter his daughter's life, and we never did gain any solid understanding of what went so terribly wrong.

You mentioned him being "dead behind the eyes" which I think is what got me to thinking about this. Something has clearly changed in him that you or your family or from the sounds of it even his own family doesn't understand. Unfortunately, you probably can't save him; we have no power to change others. Do what you can to move on and make your daughter's life as blessed as you can. She is most important here. Demand his financial support. Insist that he get some help so that maybe he can be a meaningful part of his daughter's life.

I am sorry, I didn't want to put me into this. But I can't say enough what a wonder it is to look down at this tiny little person with little hands and everything is so incredibly little and vulnerable.

I look at my daughter now, she is 28 and I still see something pretty amazing. The man this the father of this child is going to have to look in her eyes one day and explain what he did to her at such a vulnerable time. When I say he will have to answer to his acting many times to come, I truely mean it.

You however have a miracle coming and you have to be very strong for this miracle right now. I didn't know that a child in the womb got so many messages before birth, I allowed myself to stress too much, so make the message you send now, messages of love and comfort for this child no matter what.

It is only a few weeks, this time is important for you and the child. Just be strong and let yourself focus on that in the now. I don't want to feed your anger, I want more to help you calm down and put the focus on you and this new life.

(((Hugs for you and this new precious child)))
Open Eyes