[wounded1]

Been a while since I've written, so I'd better update: My husband is living back in the house, and I told him that I will give him another chance. The full extent of his relationship with the other woman was texting, emailing and talking on the phone a few times a week over a three month period. He chose to befriend a married woman in another state because even he didn't trust himself. He was running away from the problems we were having, I know this, but even though he never slept with her (although I wonder all the time too if I hadn't caught him how far it would have gone), I can't get past the fact that he any sort of relationship with another woman for three months. We haven't been intimate, and just now are starting to hold hands and kiss a little. Even when we have happy days, thoughts of him laughing with her, and sharing things I thought he had only shared with me, creep in. I feel such a heavy sadness.

We are talking about things every day, what happened, why it happened, and he is trying to find a psychologist because he knows that his screwed up past has contributed to his bad behaviors. He's still seeing a thereapist (although he hasn't seen her in a while), but he doesn't feel like she's helping get to the roots of the problem.

My question is this: How do you forget the images of the man who stood up in front of friends and family, and swore to love, honor and respect you, giving himself to another woman? How do you get past the hurt? Sometimes I feel so sad, I just want to run away.

I would love to hear from other woman who have been in my situation. I believe my husband can be the man I thought I married, if he works hard, but I don't know if I'll ever be the same woman I was.

Thanks for listening all.

wounded1

[bebop]

I might get slammed for this. I think sometimes we as people in general turn to other people for alot of reasons. being an online thing to me is not as bad as meeting them in person. I know I have met people online that I have confided in and had "feelings" for them. to me it is sometimes we get in a vulnerable state. most of the time though I think people wake up before it goes too far. I would find it much easier to forgive something that happened online vs real life. I would also be asking myself what I was not doing for my partner that made her/him stray away.
I know there is still alot of pain in that situation but I would really try to work on the relationship together.

This is one of the hardest lessons in life: betrayal. After trusting, confiding, sharing... just like plunging a knife deep deep down.

Just my take. First you should seriously think whether you still want to be with him. Then ask *him* whether he still wants to be with you. If the answer is yes, on both counts, then you will *both* need to move on, beyond the hurt (for you). Not easy but if both are consciously, and wholeheartedly, making an effort to make it work then there is no reason why it shouldn't. But it will probably take time.

You say he is seeing a psychologist, this is good. But is it a counselling couples thingy? Because it woud help if both of you saw someone so as to work the issues (him - concerning his 'screwed up past' as you say; and you - with the hurt, learning to trust him again, betrayal issue).

[wounded1]

Thanks Elaine, that helps.

It wasn't that I wasn't giving him what he needed at home, he just didn't want to face the fact that his behaviors were tearing apart our marriage. Rather than take responsibilty for how he was treating me, he ran away.

Can anyone else shed some light?

I just did

[bebop]

wounded1 I hope that didn't sound mean. I would never do anything to hurt anyone. but yes from what you said something was "missing" be it him or you or whatever the reason...he was using her as an escape route. I really hope you guys can work thru this. you have my thoughts and prayers with you.

[wounded1]

Sorry Always, I didn't mean not to acknowledge what you said, I just agree with what you're saying. Thank you for your honesty. I have chosen to give him one more chance because I love him and don't want to look back five or ten years from now and have any regrets. I also think I owe it to our children to try and have a loving and honest relationship with their father, so they can have a great example of what love between two people is suppose to be. And at least if we don't work out in the end, I can say we did everything to try and make it work.

I agree we need counselling together as well, so we don't repeat the communication mistakes we've had in the past.

Elaine, the truth is what I need to hear, thank you. Thank you both.

wounded1

First I'd like to say how very hard this must be for you. To have an idea -- a value-- and then have it taken away before you.... it's hard to swallow.

Like wondering how he could stand up there and vow to be your loving partner forever... then this..... it hurts I'm sure. Maybe it would help to really grasp the notion that "humans aren't perfect"-- we all make mistakes, some make bigger ones than others... but we all goof sometime.

If like you say, you are talking about things everyday... about what happened and how his past has played a role in all this.... then, it sounds like you are both willing to go foward, which is good for the relationship. I think talking about things as much as you need to is beneficial.

You said his behavior caused him to run away..... Not blaming just you here-- but there is always two sides to ANY relationship. Maybe he wasn't good at voicing what he needed from you, didn't get what he needed then, and so went to look elsewhere?.... Perhaps couples therapy will help both of you to communicate with each other better. And time-- it takes time to make a new relationship with a partner. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't know if I'll ever be the same woman I was.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No you probably won't be-- you'll hopefully be wiser, have a wider understanding of your partner and live a fuller life because of all you've learned. Not meaning to discount the pain you presently feel now....... just sometimes life makes us change and grow in not so comfortable ways.

I wish you much healing.

[wounded1]

Thanks Mandy, you too make much sense!

Everyone, I am not discounting my mistakes in the relationship; I have had an acid tongue when we've fought, and rather than making him feel good about himself, I've made him feel bad at times. Even though he treated me pretty badly sometimes, I know now that tearing him down wasn't the way to make him want to change. He turned to another woman to feel good about himself, rather than seeing things from my perspective and owning up to the hurt he was causing me. He had already withdrawn from me emotionally, I'm just try to get past the fact that he let things go so far.

wounded1

[darkeyes]

I gave mine a chance, we did the counselling but seperately, when we tried together, it wasn't good, but therapist would periodically have us both show up together.
Long story short, we made it. We are married for 28yrs. plus gone steady 7yrs before getting married, there is too much good history to throw away. Funny thing our marriage became stronger after his mid life fling . . . he grew up, and I grew wiser. It's really hard getting past this and regaining trust, but some how it becomes possible for some. My son is so happy we worked through the mess, now we are 2 middle aged people,growing old, and "out together" (weight gain). I look back 6 yrs ago and where I was mentally after finding out, and just wanted to die, a whole long story, but I am glad I stayed, and he is happy I didn't leave him, and though he never says it,I know he is, and I believe he means that he loves only me and wants to plan on retirement together. But if this all was to be ruined due to another betrayal, I told him that would be it,I can emotionally survive it now, cause I have more self-worth, I've learned there is no man on earth worth being suicidal over, and signing oneself into a psych ward. Never again, for I am my own person now, I can survive, even my pdocs and T's admired me for how I have survived that and several life's tragedies. Takes lots of work and effort, though.
I wish you luck with this.
BTW
A post very similar to yours, was my first time here, a few years ago, got lots of support and good advice, sooooooooooo I stuck around, and I am here often.

[Maven]

Women have a tendency to blame themselves when a spouse cheats. I'm not saying a woman (or a man) can't do things to drive her (or his) spouse away, but the blame is on the man (or woman) for not communicating. Some people have difficulty doing so, but when you get married, you're supposed to have developed this ability. You aren't responsible for your husband's cheating; he made that choice, rather than tell you what he was dealing with or felt he wasn't getting that he needed. You're not a mind reader.

In any case, I wish you luck in dealing with this.

[wounded1]

You are absolutely right Maven, The communication breakdown was his, not mine. I have always been honest and straight forward in our relationship, and thought I had married a man who was the same way. He's not, (or wasn't, he's grown by leaps and bounds in the last six weeks), which is why HE is going to see a psychologist. His parents weren't good teachers in the communication department, and when you add to that the fact that he has been spoiled all his life, plus all the trauma he's been through, he really needs to get to the root of his issues. If he doesn't, I fear the same things will happen all over again.

I love him, so I will give him the chance to do so. However, I deserve someone who will value communication and honesty as much as I do. He's been great so far, but I don't want to end up paying the price for his past anytime again in the future.

Thanks for your words.

wounded1

[bebop]

communication I think is the most important thing in any relationship! I wish my husband could learn to do that!
wounded good luck hon. you are a wonderful person!