I can't figure out my husband help!

Hi all,
I am really just on edge of my seat with my husbands behavior. He has had 2 outbursts one anger and one emotional crying that is. He is always unhappy. If we get in a discussion / argument he instigates it and I feel guilty and in the wrong every time both if he's mad or upset somehow it's my fault. The last episode freaked me out it was emotional crying and I was very uncomfortable. After he walked off crying I was sitting there going uh uh had this weird feeling in my gut something is not right but I can't put my finger on it aaah! This happened in our first year married too but I just chalked it up to immature behavior since he was the baby of his family. We have been married 3 now. It's emotionally draining for me and he is always right no matter what I don't know what to do?! Help!

Hello NeverRight,

Welcome to Psych Central.

I can think of a few possibilities of your hub's behavior.

Has his behavior been consistent over the past 3 years together, or have there been good & long times in between? Does he ever pick up on how you're feeling and try hard to "win you back" to his side? Does he ever use sweet talk or threats with you?

Sorry about the wide range of Q's, it's just a very wide topic. I'm trying to gain a more complete perspective from your view. I don't want to give you bad advice.

Perhaps you should consider what you can do to make things a little more comfortable for yourself. The next time that you two get into an argument ~ let it go. Take a deep breath. Is it really that important to you? Maybe that particular issue is really important, and it's worth discussion in your opinion. Watch your words carefully. Try to keep them non-accusatory and focused on yourself.

Example: "I feel very ____. I have a lot of personal experience on this topic. My feelings are therefore rather strong and different than yours." You can then ask if he would please drop that particular subject or ask if he can help you work through your emotions on the topic.

In general, going through this can seem like a pia, at times. It really is a lot more simple and relaxing than it sounds. I've used this technique a few times in high stress moments & it really works great! The tension disappears within a moment or two ~ for me & the person that I'm arguing with. Trying that technique a time or two, you'll be amazed at the outcome.

I hope that this helps you regain some strength and reassurance that things will get better between you and your hub. It takes time and work (on both sides!) to keep your relationship healthy throughout marriage. Lots of things pop up in our lives, causing stress, physical illnesses, depression, etc... Keep on trying to make yourself less stressed ~ hopefully, you will be able to discuss some of these things with your hub & have good results.

Best wishes to you and your hub!

Hi ~ I'm sorry you're having this problem. To me it sounds like your husband could either be incredibly manipulative or else he needs professional help. In either case, please do NOT feel like it's YOUR fault. Dont' buy into that, because your self-esteem will take an AWFUL hit like mine did for 26 years. My husband was extremely controlling due to his manipulation, and my self-esteem was non-existent by the time I divorced him 26 years later. It took a lot of professional help for ME to get it back again. So don't buy into the guilt. It's not your fault.

See if you can get him to the doctor for a checkup. First you want to be sure there's no physical reason for his outbursts/crying. Then hopefully the doctor can offer a referral to a good therapist -- someone for him to talk to about his problem.

I hope your hubby will be open about going to the doctor. You'll have to tell him it's for his own good and for the good of the marriage, or something like that.

I wish you the very best, my friend. I know this is extremely hard on you. Please take care of YOU -- and God bless. BIG hugs, Lee

Hi guys!
Thanks you guys for your quick responses as I am new to this site I just don't know where to start. I just have felt something is not quite right and I can't put a finger on it. Where do I begin? It's consistent and I feel like I am walking on egg shells wondering what I am gonna do wrong next its over the littlest things. Here is a scenario or two to start with that will hopefully answer some questions shezbut threw in. I did not know how to directly answer them so I just thought some scenarios may give some insight to you and hopefully I can figure it out. I'm trying to be good wife.

Scenario 1

My husband came home late from work around 8:30 at night, we ate dinner while he was on computer checking some things on his recipe for canning plum jam and emails. He wanted to can jam by then it was 9 at night I was extremely exhausted from work (I work a very physically demanding job he works at a mentally demanding desk job). When I am done I am done. It's hard for me to concentrate and focus in that state. I told him I really am tired and it’s late that we can do it tomorrow or something. He got irritated and made me feel guilty for not wanting to stay up and do this. So I felt bad and thought aw... I'll just wing it and stay up with him and help him no biggie. Then I walked into the office where he was and asked him how much sugar we needed to cook the ground up plums down. He said “don't worry about it.” Then I said “but I want to help you I will stay up with you and wing it.” He said "I don't want your help". That just hit me just right as tired as I was it really upset me. So I responded with “Wow I just offered to help and you can't answer the question for me to help?" He Said "You just need to be patient" I knew he had a recipe he looked at and the previous day had talked about one he wanted to try. I said “Babe, I am tired can you please tell me how much sugar so I can get this rolling while your doing other things on computer?" Then he responded with "no I don't want your help" "you're not gonna help" all was said in a haughty type tone. After that I said to him "You don't treat your wife this way when she offers to be there and help it's uncalled for I feel very disrespected when I do the housework the laundry the yard and work at my job and also trying to get my leather business going as well, and then tell me I can't help you when I offer it?!" I was furious! I could not believe how mad I was. He told me " Oh get over yourself you never get anything done you say your gonna do things and then it don't happen, newsflash your so damn disorganized you can't get your poop in a group and do stuff!" I said " Huh, ok then but the way you are treating me is uncalled for" He blew up slammed his fists on the desk sending stuff in air sitting on it and put his head up in air and screamed then walked into kitchen because I backed out of room to it and screamed "why do you aaah!" and hit his head with his fists and stormed outside. I was left going where did this come from? What did I do?

Scenario 2

We had plans to go hunting 1 week after scenario 1. Well in the beginning of the week we found out my cousin was getting married the weekend we were going to be out of town with my husband’s dad over weekend for hunting. I felt I needed to support my cousin and go plus I did want to see my family as they live 6 hours away. So my husband called his dad and said we would have to find out more details on the wedding and would get back to him. All was good. So we got details and I expressed that maybe I should just go and he can meet up with his dad and then I can join them after the weekend. Well at first he said "why does something always come up when I try to get time off? Why does your family have to do this?" I said "It's not always my family stuff happens." I said "Besides you and dad should have some alone time I think he would enjoy that with you. Don't feel like you have to go and cancel on your dad I can represent us for the wedding. And you can have Thursday and Friday you took off to get ready relax some before leaving sat." He said "you don't get it do you dad is getting older and you need to have that time with him." I said “I still am going to hunt with him after the wedding when I get back." He said "No your not if you go to the wedding you are not hunting with my dad." I responded " Don't cancel on him you need to have alone time with him you guys don't get that much." Most men would be tickled to have that time with dad right? So then it turned into him being irritated I was going to wedding even though I was still gonna go hunting. Wednesday rolls around...He's grumpy so I ask what is bothering him. He said "I just want you to enjoy the things I do with me; I married you for a reason." I said "I do enjoy doing things with you and I do them with you. I want you to do them with or with out me, I want you to go with your dad." I was thinking a great time for them to have time while I'm at wedding. I said "It's not true that I don't want to do stuff with you, because I do want to." Then he says " you don't get it I feel less important to you than your family" I said "That is not true what is the big deal I am still going to be with you guys hunting when I get back?" He got irritated and said " because we planned this a long time ago" I said “I know but my cousin is getting married we have been through a lot growing up we are practically like brother and sister. It's not like I don't want to go hunting." Then he just shook his head and we did not talk anymore about it. So Thursday morning as I'm getting ready for work I asked him so you gonna relax today?" Thinking he was staying home since he said he took Thur. and Fri. off. He said "No because you changed plans so I am working today." And I said but "you did not cancel on dad right?" He said "No not sure yet" I said ok. And was confused why he did not just take the day off like he requested and did not tell me he was going to work anyway??? So Thursday night its the same cycle of conversation I just did not even bother getting into it much just kept really few words to keep an argument from happening I really wanted peace so we could have a good nights sleep. I was to leave Fri. at 7 am to drive six hours for WA where the wedding was going to be. Thinking still my husband was going to have Friday off since he took it off. I wake up Friday and get ready to go just as I am about to think about starting car he says "I am going to wedding" I said "oh you are? K what about your dad?" He says "I called and cancelled he understands everything is fine with him." I said "Oh ok I feel bad I thought you guys would have some time together. Well I guess we can get your clothes together do you really want to go don't feel like you have to." He said “I’m just frustrated that you don't want to do the things I enjoy with me" I said "I do we had two big fishing trips we went on this summer babe I do love doing that stuff with you." Then he says "don't get it I have not been happy for the last six years I just want you to do the things I enjoy with me" I said "Why have you not been happy the last six years that is something we can change?" Then he started getting all emotional and saying how he feels abandoned and that he don’t get to do the things he loves and I responded with "Babe I never have with held you from doing the things you enjoy in fact I wish you would do them more with out me too so that you have time for yourself I love doing things with you but we can't do EVERYTHING together every time you want to do these things. we both need our times to have to ourselves and together" He said " I just can't get you to get it I have dealt with jerks for the last 6 years and I'm sick of it" I said "I'm sorry your job has been stressful I wish I can fix it but I can't we can look for less stressful job. I can't fix this only you can I can be here for you and I am. " He said " I just want to be able to do things I want to do and upset you did not even consider cancelling and not going to the wedding to be with me.” and walked away crying and going to get in the shower. I just did not know what to do. He made me feel like the whole wedding thing and he being upset was somehow my fault. After he gets out of shower this is our conversation and I am still clueless of what's next.
“I don't really want to go." I said "Well you don't have to if you don't want to. We need to go here soon so let’s get stuff packed if you are really serious." He walks out to start truck. Comes back and I say "oh we taking the truck instead?" He says “No I have to go to work" I said "but I thought you took Friday off at least? You don't want to go but you just really want to be with me right?" He said "yes it's your choice to wait for me or not." I said well if you want to be with me then yea I will wait for you that will give me some time to get wedding gift put together." Then I asked "why did you not tell me this when you knew I was leaving this morning and did not take the days off you said you took off?" He said “Because you cancelled our plans.” So I knew nothing of him not taking the requested days off or him cancelling on his dad till Friday and that he was going to work Friday also. It was like every time I turned around a bomb would drop and I would be confused and be made to feel like it's my fault all the way around. I don't want to make my husband sound bad but I am a little bit freaked out by all this. It leaves a very uneasy feeling in my stomach like my gut is telling me something is not right? I have been told I’m a good wife because I take care of the house yard and all and have a job out side the home. I want to make sure I am there for my husband but at the same time if it feels like its draining me and I can never make him happy what is the deal?

Thanks Lee I'm just searching for answers and want to figure it out and then attempt to resolve it whatever it takes and if it's worse than I realize then I have some things to think about. I'm sorry for your experience

NeverRight

NeverRight,

Thanks for sharing a couple of examples ~ They're great! Kudos to you for being honest in your recollection of events. :thumbsup:

In the first scenario, you described being very tired and related how your hub wasn't real talkative with you. Times like these aren't times to get into big discussions. You were already tired and frustrated when you sat down to supper. Add your hub's behavior (not really being present in the moment with you) and that's a recipe for disaster! Is this a description of daily meals together? I hope not.

From my perspective, I would have gone to bed after you first announced that you were really tired. However, I would have gone on to say that I was really missing him and looking forward to when he was coming into bed after me. Give him a wink, a slow kiss and say goodnight.

Your description sounds as though you didn't get the response that you were looking for when he told you "don't worry about it". It sounds like you're trying to be closer to him, and he became frustrated. LOTS of guys say that women go on & on, which frustrates them in those times. Of course, we go on & on because we feel that something else is there. We're just trying to figure things out ~ and the guys are trying to do _____. It is frustrating ~ but that's a very common cause of arguments between men and women.

In the second scenario, I got a little lost. I can understand the plan of going hunting with your hub and father in-law. I can also understand your cousin's wedding that you wanted to attend. After that, I got confused for a bit.

Did you ask your hub if he wanted to come to the wedding with you? Just because you both had plans to hunt doesn't mean that he wouldn't want to get to know your family a little better for a couple of days too. You both could have still gone hunting with the father for a couple of days after the wedding. Yes, you would have been together at both events ~ but aren't both events special?? He rarely sees your family. It could have been a good opportunity for them to get to know each other better & become friends. That's fun too!

Know what I'm saying? The 2nd event just sounds as though you assumed that you hub didn't want anything to do with your family. That he merely wanted YOU to be with HIM. Maybe that was part of it...maybe. But, it's not like you were arguing over going out to a movie with a friend or something. That's more of an insignificant event & your argument of wanting you both to have your own space is perfectly valid. I don't agree with your cousin's wedding being simply a special event between you & her, yet insignificant to your hub, as being valid though.

Very best wishes to you both ~ take care!

In the first story you were both in the wrong.

In the second story: of you knew your cousin was getting wormy you have known for months in advanced??? If you got invited last minute I can't believe you and your cousin were close. In this instance your husband has a right to be mad.

This of course does not excuse his childish behavior in any way shape or form. It sounds like marital counseling could help you both communicate better. You need to stop instigating his behavior period! And he needs to learn joe to behave like a respectful adult. Again counseling will benefit you both greatly.

I also think talkaboutmarriage.com is a great website for you to take a look at. It has great forums with people posting from all walks of life.

Shezbut,

Thanks for the reply. Sorry the reply was so long and got you lost! Took me an hour to get it all out I have a hard time trying to write something in detail especially so thanks for bearing with me To answer your questions I will keep it simple Hope this clarifies things more

Scenario #1

1.)

The first about meals no that is not typical meal time just that night since he got home late from work. I was tired not frustrated till number two below...

2.)

I should have done the going to bed thing with a kiss and all that's a good one. I was made to feel guilty for wanting to go to bed was what I was upset about.

Scenario #2

1.) I asked him if he wanted to go and expressed that I wanted to go so Yes were talking about going together. Then HE proposed the idea that he meet up with his dad, I go to the wedding and then join them after for hunting. WE agreed with that and it was a win win for both of us. It was not an event between me and her it was a special event in our immediate family. It was not like I was made to feel like I HAD to go I WANTED to be there; and besides I had tried to go visit family the weekend prior and then the wedding thing came up and I thought perfect, go see the family and wedding.

2.)
Then he kept changing his mind and not telling me what he really was going to do with his time off making me feel guilty for wanting to go to the wedding all week. Then cancelled the hunting trip without telling me. He went which was fine but I felt bad that he cancelled on his dad, and I felt responsible for it. He really doesn't like going to see my family he likes certain ones and others he don't care for. I just did not understand the reaction to it all when we had made a good agreement in first place; He meets up with dad I go to wedding then meet up with them after and both of us are happy. It did not turn out the way He agreed to do it. make sense? ugh it can be so confusing at times. Hope you did not lose me in this reply! Hope that helps I'm not good at explaining stuff so sorry for the holes, but I will be honest!

Thanks for helping me sort through this!

1st scenario: His reaction to you telling him that you wanted to go to bed made you feel guilty.

2nd scenario: Your hub's decision-making difficulty about hunting also made you feel guilty. He cancelled the trip, but ended up going in the end, without his father. The fact that your hub didn't follow the plan made you feel guilty.

I see you saying that you feel guilty ~ often. That's where I go back to recommending that you tell your hub how you're feeling.

"I feel guilty that I want to go to bed so badly. I feel as though you are angry with me for wanting to go to bed. How am I going to get a good night of sleep?"

"I feel bad that I'm going to my cousin's wedding, and your plans keep changing. I feel guilty, as though I have caused some confusion. What can I do?"

"I feel bad that your father didn't go hunting with you. I thought that we had a good plan before. I feel guilty that the plan changed and it may have hurt your father's feelings."

That's how I would break it down. You do need to see that you carry some responsibility in this miscommunication as well.

I am unsure where your guilt is coming from. Are you certain that guilt is the main emotion following you in your marriage? Your description of the first scenario does bring up some guilt, but his removed responses to you made you very angry. The second scenario sounds a lot like worry (perhaps about what he was actually going to end up doing?) to me; and then hurt that he didn't tell you or his father about hunting with others after all.

That's my perspective. I'm not a professional, of course. However, I think that you may want to look at these events more clearly and see what emotions are attached. That will give you a better idea as to what the next step should be. Perhaps individual therapy... or maybe couple's counseling would be more appropriate.

Shezbut,

Thanks for your responses. I agree with what your saying. I will def consider professional help with this one. Thanks for your input I appreciate it.

NeverRight

I hope this helps. You and your husband are in a power struggle. It appears to be of his making, and it doesn't sound rational. You've been more than reasonable and accommodating, but I suspect enough will never be enough with your husband unless he develops a new attitude. He has unrealistic expectations of other people, of (whoever his wife would be) his wife, and adults in general.

While there are cultures where men cry, his crying seems manipulative and indicative that he is out of control emotionally. This isn't your fault. Is he under a doctor's care? He should be seen by a doctor for a check up and he needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional, in my opinion. Unless your husband is physically disabled in some way, he needs to do half of the physical labor around the house; physical activity in moderation is good for mental health and stress reduction. You need more relaxation, because that is good for mental health, too and your marriage sounds very stressful.

The constant shifting of plans and behaviors is meant to keep you off track and unable to control the situation; a therapist once described this to me as "changing the rules" when I explained I had tried to be cooperative and accommodating to someone who was never satisfied. The therapist helped me to see the futility of trying to deal with an impossible (as it was) situation, because the other person's goal was to keep me off-balance and in turmoil.

You don't say how old your husband is. If he is in his early twenties, then I suppose it is possible for him to continue growing up (his behavior seems rooted in his childhood). If he's in his 50s, it seems to me the chance of him changing dramatically are much more slim.

Either way, I don't think you do him or yourself any favors by catering to him; I understand you want to be a good, loving spouse, but enslaving yourself to someone unreasonable isn't the same as having a happy marriage. I hope things improve for you. Please consider marriage counseling and if he won't go, go alone.