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#26
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I'm not quite so drastic, but I can't watch movies with sex in them either and I feel very uncomfortable talking about sex, especially anything deeper than what we've gone into on this forum (well actually a couple posts have bothered me, even so). I was never abused as a child, except I did have a couple of very close perverse childhood friends with strange fixations on sex at such a young age (which I now suspect was caused by sexual abuse), and they have left me with some very strange and distorted emotions concerning sex, even to this day. I usually don't respond to graphic images or conversation with panic, but I usually get very nauseated, which then causes panic (because I've got a phobia of vomiting and all). The strange thing is that I'm actually a very touchy person in general--around even acquaintances I enjoy hugging and being hugged and kissing my fiance or my family does not bother me. In fact, we joke about my daily "hug quota". :P I am often accused of invading people's personal space! So i don't think for me it's a touching problem or problem with general physical intimacy, but you throw anything sex into the equation and I clam up. |
#27
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Kissing for me personally is gross. I know that it seems almost everyone does it. But not this ole girl. Someone elses tounge in my mouth. UUG. Nothing romantic about that. I know that is my own personal hand up. I have SA issues that have caused me physical touch and intimacy issues.
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#28
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I do love people, but I'm not romantically "in love" with anyone. I understand what love is (I've experienced it), but I am saying that I don't think I can be romantically "in love"; so, why would I marry someone I wasn't "in love" with? Thus I do not want to be married nor have sex. 99% of the married Christians tell me not to get married and tell me sex isn't worth it. It isn't that they don't feel any sentiments toward their wives, but that they would rather be free to serve God in singleness than be married. Last edited by Christina86; Nov 27, 2012 at 10:34 PM. |
#29
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We take psychiatric drugs even though small percentages of patients report severe side effects - btw, by far higher percentages than those which have the immune reaction to semen you describe. But we still take the drugs, in the hopes that we would get lucky and not develop severe reactions. And if we do not get lucky, then we either take additional drugs to counteract the side effects or discontinue the offending drugs. Only trial and error allow us to choose drugs that fit us well. If we were afraid of every possible side effect uncovered through clinical trials, we would be completely frozen and unable to try any medication. Your decision to write off oral sex for the rest of your life is akin to the decision to never try any psychiatric medication regardless of the potential benefit it might confer on you. I certainly do not think that it is a reasonable decision. Being in an exclusive sexual partnership allows one the luxury to practice unprotected fellatio (swallow sperm), which in my experience is one of the best things in the whole world. I think that all effort should be made - counseling, therapy, and what not - to overcome any and all obstacles that hinder you on your way to this wonderful form of sex. |
#30
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#31
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#32
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I hope so.
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#33
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While many virgins look forward to having sex, the truth is almost everyone worries their first time. I know I was. The truth is people have been having sex forever, and every person who does has to have a first time. So, my best advice is don't force it, and don't think about it. If your future husband is as understanding as you say, then just let him know that you want to be married to him, but you don't want to promise sex on your wedding night. Weddings are SO STRESSFUL as it is, to pile your first time on top of that just is a recipe for a disaster. Once you give yourself permission to go that far, you will probably be surprised how quickly you get to that point. Spend your wedding night in bed together, in pajamas. Just kiss, caress, etc, then sleep. That will help build intimacy. After a few days or weeks, chances are you will go further and one day it will just happen. Just have lubrication on hand and everything will happen as it does.
One thing I recommend: DO NOT RESEARCH SEX! Dont look for the "right" or "best" way to do it. Don't look for the things that can go wrong. Just trust yourselves for it all to work when you are ready (assuming you know the basic mechanics of it). |
#34
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A sizable enough percentage of girls do not even have a hymen, and I was like that, and you just might be. The percentage is way higher than that of those who have a semen allergy or whatever it is called. And then there is absolutely no pain and no blood and no drama whatsoever. Boring, sure, but not painful.
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#35
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I was that way. No hymen. I was an avid horseback rider and very athletic. So that was not a problem.
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#36
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One thing I find about sex is that it is sort of like getting your driver's license. Okay, I know that sounds insane but bare with me.
I didn't have parents for the majority of the back end of my childhood. I had to learn everything myself. One thing I didn't learn until late in life is how to drive. I didn't get my license until I was 20. Every kid around me had been driving for years. They didn't have to worry about taking the test or learning the mechanics or anything, in my eyes they had been doing it for years and it was second nature for them. Not me. Here I was, a 20 year old, taking driving classes with 15 and 16 year olds who were performing way better than I was. It was trial and error. Took me two weeks to take my first test with an instructor. I failed. Two weeks later I passed. I finally had my license. What had happened is that it is much more difficult to get your license later in life than it is toget it when you are younger. Or in other words, it is msuch easier to learn to drive when you are younger. That's my opinion based off of experience, of course. People may disagree but I feel the same about sex. The older it is the scarier it is. You have all those years that you sit there and think about it, wondering what it is going to be like, fretting about it. All the while everyone else around you has already done it and you feel alone. Right? So see how it compares to my driving deal? The main thing is you can't worry about it. Sex comes naturally. In fact, maybe even more naturally than driving a car does. The more you fret about it the worse it is going to be. You will have yourself so petrified that you really will lock yourself in a closet. It is what I did with driving. I had myself scared to death, when really had I just relaxed and been patient I would have realized it isn't so bad at all. Problem is I felt alone, everyone else had already done it. I am sure you are feeling similar. Don't. For one, you really aren't alone. You have a husband in the same situation. It is his first time as well, and you two have to let it come natural. When you truly love the person you are with it is an amazing thing, I promise. There is no right or wrong when you love that person, not in my experience. Relax. Let it happen on its own. Don't force it, don't think you have to jump under the covers as soon as you say "I do", it will come naturally. Once you realize what it is all about, you will laugh at how scared you were. If he is patient and slow he will know exactly how to relax you and the night will just flow on completely natural. I really think once the time comes you will be calm and ready, and that afterwards you will wonder why you worked yourself up so much all this time over it. Take care, and I wish you the best. |
#37
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I think sex is far easier than driving. First, there is absolutely no risk - OP is going to have exclusive unprotected sex so she has nothing to worry about. Driving involves a huge amount of risk. So that is one thing that makes driving harder. Second, sex is simply between two people and driving involves all sorts of players whom you do not know and whose behavior you cannot predict. That adds another layer of complexity to driving but not to sex. Third, there are rules of the road but sex has no rules, which makes sex easier - you do not need to learn and memorize the rules (and apply them, too!). Fourth, I assume that OP and her future husband will have low-tech sex without toys, so their sex life would just involve human bodies while driving involves technology/machinery that has to be operated, adding yet another layer of complexity.
All in all, sex is far easier to pick up for a novice. |
#38
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I'm not terribly athletic... I do bicycle a lot though, but not as much as I used to. So who even knows.
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#39
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I suppose the age is a factor. (though we are getting married young even so!) Also, for people whose first time is a do-it-in-the-dark-with-a-stranger sort of affair, though it's unethical and emotionally scarring especially for females, at least they don't have to look that person in the eyes for the every day for rest of their life if it's a horrible experience. And the marriage thing adds pressure because of the expectations. But that's something I'm willing to work through for the other rewards of waiting. I don't know. I panic pretty easily, and once I have some worry on my mind I have trouble focusing on anything else. Also, it's easier for him because he's a guy. Guys are much more easily aroused than women. He'll completely forget any nervousness, but it's doubtful that I will be able to remember much else. And I sort of worry that if we wait for "the time to come", that it won't. Because I might be afraid to even see if I'm ready, and because I don't do well with scary things that loom undefined in the future. For example, I have such a fear of vomiting (though I don't desire it, like sex). I don't worry about it all the time because it's an undefined future point, only sometimes if something sets off my phobia (like a friend becoming ill). However if I have been near someone who has been sick or start to feel even a tiny bit nauseated myself, I go into panic mode. I worry that if we were to get past our current boundaries by even a little, I might realize where we were going, and panic. Which is the opposite of "relaxed". And the funny thing is, there have been a couple times in our relationship where we've accidentally crossed small physical boundaries. But it never made me panic (other than guilt or whatnot) because I knew that, no way no how were we going to have sex because that boundary is so definite because of our strongly held beliefs about marriage. But then I get married, and my boundaries are gone. Even the slightest touch could lead into something, which would cause me to panic. |
#40
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#41
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I think the posts to say relax, don't read about it, and to just go at your own speed are the best. I will say tho, don't expect angels singing, or an earth shattering orgasm the first time. Sex, as with everything, gets better with practice! When done at your own speed, with love and with the right partner, it can be a wonderful part of a relationship and you may just feel closer to your hunny than you ever thought was possible.
The things that we spend time worrying over rarely end up to be as bad as we thought - try not to build things out of proportion in your mind. There simply is no point worrying about things that may never happen, and to only worry about stuff when it has actually happened. |
#42
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#43
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A bottle of Astroglide should eliminate this worry. Or, but a cheap generic lube from the drugstore. Either will work just fine. Practice putting the lube inside you once before your first night with your husband, to get used to the sensation.
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#44
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The second is that I think you have a slightly skewered view on sex. Being married doesn't mean that there is more pressure, why should it? Everyone has a first time, being married makes no difference. You are building this up out of all proportion. There's been sound advice here and I really think you should let go of all of your previous views on sex, and relax. Sex, or making love can be a wonderful act. Sure, the first time, or even first few times can be strange, but then it would be wouldnt it? We ALL learn as we go along, like everything in life. I know one thing for sure, if you dont relax, it may be physically uncomfortable for penetration. Just listen to your partner, talk to your partner, go with your feelings and relax, relax relax!!! |
#45
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#46
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Astroglide or dollar tree K-Y certinly help. K-Y brand even has discreet take along individual travel packages. I don't think I would have the nerve to use it "there" myself at 38 years of age, Alone just to check things out. But certinly to each there own. If thats what you are comfortable w/ go for it.
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#47
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![]() I understand that it's awesome. I understand it gets better. I even want it. But the fear, is irrational as far as I can see it. There are so many things I could attribute it to, but either none of them fit quite right or all of them fit too well. I'm not sure if the worry is caused by a performance anxiety, or a fear of pain, or a fear of losing my innocense because of the way I was brought up, or a fear losing control, or a fear of being disappointed, or a fear of the unknown, or even a fear of being afraid. I really don't know. It could be all of them. It could be none of them. This fear lies dormant, until something triggers it. Like the recent realization of how close the marriage is. Until then I never had much reason to think about it, especially since I avoided things that reminded me of it's impending existence in my life like the PLAGUE. But I was aware of the fear of course. I just always assumed that the future me who would be having sex would be a completely different, stronger, more MENTALLY SOUND me, who didn't have the phobia anymore. But now it's so close, and I'm realizing that the me who has sex is going to be the same me who I am now, or very close to it. And now, as I tend to be triggered to fixate on things, I am thinking about the fear so much, many times each day. And I can't stop. |
#48
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#49
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#50
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Have you got a therapist? I suggest talking to one about your way of dealing with the unknown. May just help you start to rationalise.
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