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  #26  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 12:23 PM
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Valentinedemorcerf Valentinedemorcerf is offline
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Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous View Post
Exactly! Nobody seems to understand our fear of sex. What virgins there are seem to want to have it, not fear it like we do, and I know that if the time ever comes for me, I will be hysterical. I am nauseous even thinking about it. It’s not a ‘it’s new and unknown’ fear for me, as I think it far exceeds that, it most likely has to do with having a history of sexual abuse and a (what I am told to be) distorted view of relationships and sex. I’ll cry if I talk about sexual subjects too much. I won’t watch movies with sex in them or graphic images. Just watch me totally freeze up and have a panic attack.

Oral sex for me would also be problematic because I fear contamination and germs, or it can cause me a significant amount of anxiety. I don’t like kisses let alone oral sex. Nobody's mouth will ever come near me.

I'm not quite so drastic, but I can't watch movies with sex in them either and I feel very uncomfortable talking about sex, especially anything deeper than what we've gone into on this forum (well actually a couple posts have bothered me, even so). I was never abused as a child, except I did have a couple of very close perverse childhood friends with strange fixations on sex at such a young age (which I now suspect was caused by sexual abuse), and they have left me with some very strange and distorted emotions concerning sex, even to this day. I usually don't respond to graphic images or conversation with panic, but I usually get very nauseated, which then causes panic (because I've got a phobia of vomiting and all). The strange thing is that I'm actually a very touchy person in general--around even acquaintances I enjoy hugging and being hugged and kissing my fiance or my family does not bother me. In fact, we joke about my daily "hug quota". :P I am often accused of invading people's personal space! So i don't think for me it's a touching problem or problem with general physical intimacy, but you throw anything sex into the equation and I clam up.

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  #27  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 12:41 PM
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Kissing for me personally is gross. I know that it seems almost everyone does it. But not this ole girl. Someone elses tounge in my mouth. UUG. Nothing romantic about that. I know that is my own personal hand up. I have SA issues that have caused me physical touch and intimacy issues.
  #28  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 02:15 PM
Croc.Tears Croc.Tears is offline
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Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf View Post
Loving someone romantically is not feeling that they are special, or neglecting love for other people because of your love for them. It's something different entirely... It's learning to humble yourself and love them and serve them for all the lovely things about them and accepting all of their flaws, and it's them doing the same for you in turn. It's learning to be vulnerable to someone and learning to guard somebody else's heart. Actually, loving someone in such a way can make you more understanding and loving of all human beings, because it helps you realize that we are all not so different, or better, or worse than each other after all. You see, I'm really good at all this emotional stuff, just not the physical stuff. :P

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I have been in love before; but that was before I believed in God. I cannot any longer think so naively that one human was "meant" for me -- thus for me (since that fantasy is not reality), that "version" of "love" doesn't have the power/significance it once had.
I do love people, but I'm not romantically "in love" with anyone.
I understand what love is (I've experienced it), but I am saying that I don't think I can be romantically "in love"; so, why would I marry someone I wasn't "in love" with? Thus I do not want to be married nor have sex. 99% of the married Christians tell me not to get married and tell me sex isn't worth it. It isn't that they don't feel any sentiments toward their wives, but that they would rather be free to serve God in singleness than be married.

Last edited by Christina86; Nov 27, 2012 at 10:34 PM.
  #29  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 05:19 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf View Post
Nope. Pretty much all sex. Well okay most sex. Depends on what you qualify as "sex". And also oral will never be an option for me..... A very small percentage of women have a severe intestinal immune reaction to semen. This usually includes vomiting. I have a *very* severe phobia of vomiting. And therefore I'm never going to find out if I'm a part of that small percentage. Ever.
Do not write this option off - maybe therapy will help this phobia. I know nothing about phobias but there is a forum here specifically on Anxiety, Panic and Phobias so people over there might be in the know about helpful therapies.

We take psychiatric drugs even though small percentages of patients report severe side effects - btw, by far higher percentages than those which have the immune reaction to semen you describe. But we still take the drugs, in the hopes that we would get lucky and not develop severe reactions. And if we do not get lucky, then we either take additional drugs to counteract the side effects or discontinue the offending drugs. Only trial and error allow us to choose drugs that fit us well. If we were afraid of every possible side effect uncovered through clinical trials, we would be completely frozen and unable to try any medication. Your decision to write off oral sex for the rest of your life is akin to the decision to never try any psychiatric medication regardless of the potential benefit it might confer on you. I certainly do not think that it is a reasonable decision.

Being in an exclusive sexual partnership allows one the luxury to practice unprotected fellatio (swallow sperm), which in my experience is one of the best things in the whole world. I think that all effort should be made - counseling, therapy, and what not - to overcome any and all obstacles that hinder you on your way to this wonderful form of sex.
  #30  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 05:42 PM
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Valentinedemorcerf Valentinedemorcerf is offline
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
Do not write this option off - maybe therapy will help this phobia. I know nothing about phobias but there is a forum here specifically on Anxiety, Panic and Phobias so people over there might be in the know about helpful therapies.

We take psychiatric drugs even though small percentages of patients report severe side effects - btw, by far higher percentages than those which have the immune reaction to semen you describe. But we still take the drugs, in the hopes that we would get lucky and not develop severe reactions. And if we do not get lucky, then we either take additional drugs to counteract the side effects or discontinue the offending drugs. Only trial and error allow us to choose drugs that fit us well. If we were afraid of every possible side effect uncovered through clinical trials, we would be completely frozen and unable to try any medication. Your decision to write off oral sex for the rest of your life is akin to the decision to never try any psychiatric medication regardless of the potential benefit it might confer on you. I certainly do not think that it is a reasonable decision.

Being in an exclusive sexual partnership allows one the luxury to practice unprotected fellatio (swallow sperm), which in my experience is one of the best things in the whole world. I think that all effort should be made - counseling, therapy, and what not - to overcome any and all obstacles that hinder you on your way to this wonderful form of sex.
You have a good point about the drugs. I'm actually taking a particular medication right now which will occasionally make me nauseous, but which makes me feel like almost a normal person physically for the rest of the time, and so we're trying really hard to find a way to deal with it because the nausea is scary, but not worth giving up feeling better all the rest of the time. I might be able to consider this....once I've gotten over the problems with the sex AND the vomiting. *headdesk* I have so many problems to get over. I'm not even going to try to count.
  #31  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 05:44 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf View Post
You have a good point about the drugs. I'm actually taking a particular medication right now which will occasionally make me nauseous, but which makes me feel like almost a normal person physically for the rest of the time, and so we're trying really hard to find a way to deal with it because the nausea is scary, but not worth giving up feeling better all the rest of the time. I might be able to consider this....once I've gotten over the problems with the sex AND the vomiting. *headdesk* I have so many problems to get over. I'm not even going to try to count.
That's OK: you will conquer them one at a time.
  #32  
Old Nov 27, 2012, 05:58 PM
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Valentinedemorcerf Valentinedemorcerf is offline
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That's OK: you will conquer them one at a time.
I hope so.
  #33  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 12:38 AM
dancerckick dancerckick is offline
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While many virgins look forward to having sex, the truth is almost everyone worries their first time. I know I was. The truth is people have been having sex forever, and every person who does has to have a first time. So, my best advice is don't force it, and don't think about it. If your future husband is as understanding as you say, then just let him know that you want to be married to him, but you don't want to promise sex on your wedding night. Weddings are SO STRESSFUL as it is, to pile your first time on top of that just is a recipe for a disaster. Once you give yourself permission to go that far, you will probably be surprised how quickly you get to that point. Spend your wedding night in bed together, in pajamas. Just kiss, caress, etc, then sleep. That will help build intimacy. After a few days or weeks, chances are you will go further and one day it will just happen. Just have lubrication on hand and everything will happen as it does.
One thing I recommend: DO NOT RESEARCH SEX! Dont look for the "right" or "best" way to do it. Don't look for the things that can go wrong. Just trust yourselves for it all to work when you are ready (assuming you know the basic mechanics of it).
  #34  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 12:57 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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A sizable enough percentage of girls do not even have a hymen, and I was like that, and you just might be. The percentage is way higher than that of those who have a semen allergy or whatever it is called. And then there is absolutely no pain and no blood and no drama whatsoever. Boring, sure, but not painful.
  #35  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 01:09 PM
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I was that way. No hymen. I was an avid horseback rider and very athletic. So that was not a problem.
  #36  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 01:52 PM
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One thing I find about sex is that it is sort of like getting your driver's license. Okay, I know that sounds insane but bare with me.

I didn't have parents for the majority of the back end of my childhood. I had to learn everything myself. One thing I didn't learn until late in life is how to drive. I didn't get my license until I was 20. Every kid around me had been driving for years. They didn't have to worry about taking the test or learning the mechanics or anything, in my eyes they had been doing it for years and it was second nature for them. Not me. Here I was, a 20 year old, taking driving classes with 15 and 16 year olds who were performing way better than I was. It was trial and error. Took me two weeks to take my first test with an instructor. I failed. Two weeks later I passed. I finally had my license.

What had happened is that it is much more difficult to get your license later in life than it is toget it when you are younger. Or in other words, it is msuch easier to learn to drive when you are younger. That's my opinion based off of experience, of course. People may disagree but I feel the same about sex. The older it is the scarier it is. You have all those years that you sit there and think about it, wondering what it is going to be like, fretting about it. All the while everyone else around you has already done it and you feel alone. Right? So see how it compares to my driving deal?

The main thing is you can't worry about it. Sex comes naturally. In fact, maybe even more naturally than driving a car does. The more you fret about it the worse it is going to be. You will have yourself so petrified that you really will lock yourself in a closet. It is what I did with driving. I had myself scared to death, when really had I just relaxed and been patient I would have realized it isn't so bad at all. Problem is I felt alone, everyone else had already done it. I am sure you are feeling similar. Don't. For one, you really aren't alone. You have a husband in the same situation. It is his first time as well, and you two have to let it come natural. When you truly love the person you are with it is an amazing thing, I promise. There is no right or wrong when you love that person, not in my experience.

Relax. Let it happen on its own. Don't force it, don't think you have to jump under the covers as soon as you say "I do", it will come naturally. Once you realize what it is all about, you will laugh at how scared you were. If he is patient and slow he will know exactly how to relax you and the night will just flow on completely natural. I really think once the time comes you will be calm and ready, and that afterwards you will wonder why you worked yourself up so much all this time over it. Take care, and I wish you the best.
  #37  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 03:18 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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I think sex is far easier than driving. First, there is absolutely no risk - OP is going to have exclusive unprotected sex so she has nothing to worry about. Driving involves a huge amount of risk. So that is one thing that makes driving harder. Second, sex is simply between two people and driving involves all sorts of players whom you do not know and whose behavior you cannot predict. That adds another layer of complexity to driving but not to sex. Third, there are rules of the road but sex has no rules, which makes sex easier - you do not need to learn and memorize the rules (and apply them, too!). Fourth, I assume that OP and her future husband will have low-tech sex without toys, so their sex life would just involve human bodies while driving involves technology/machinery that has to be operated, adding yet another layer of complexity.

All in all, sex is far easier to pick up for a novice.
  #38  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 04:17 PM
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Valentinedemorcerf Valentinedemorcerf is offline
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Originally Posted by Big Mama View Post
I was that way. No hymen. I was an avid horseback rider and very athletic. So that was not a problem.
I'm not terribly athletic... I do bicycle a lot though, but not as much as I used to. So who even knows.
  #39  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 04:36 PM
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Valentinedemorcerf Valentinedemorcerf is offline
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Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead View Post
One thing I find about sex is that it is sort of like getting your driver's license. Okay, I know that sounds insane but bare with me.

I didn't have parents for the majority of the back end of my childhood. I had to learn everything myself. One thing I didn't learn until late in life is how to drive. I didn't get my license until I was 20. Every kid around me had been driving for years. They didn't have to worry about taking the test or learning the mechanics or anything, in my eyes they had been doing it for years and it was second nature for them. Not me. Here I was, a 20 year old, taking driving classes with 15 and 16 year olds who were performing way better than I was. It was trial and error. Took me two weeks to take my first test with an instructor. I failed. Two weeks later I passed. I finally had my license.

What had happened is that it is much more difficult to get your license later in life than it is toget it when you are younger. Or in other words, it is msuch easier to learn to drive when you are younger. That's my opinion based off of experience, of course. People may disagree but I feel the same about sex. The older it is the scarier it is. You have all those years that you sit there and think about it, wondering what it is going to be like, fretting about it. All the while everyone else around you has already done it and you feel alone. Right? So see how it compares to my driving deal?

The main thing is you can't worry about it. Sex comes naturally. In fact, maybe even more naturally than driving a car does. The more you fret about it the worse it is going to be. You will have yourself so petrified that you really will lock yourself in a closet. It is what I did with driving. I had myself scared to death, when really had I just relaxed and been patient I would have realized it isn't so bad at all. Problem is I felt alone, everyone else had already done it. I am sure you are feeling similar. Don't. For one, you really aren't alone. You have a husband in the same situation. It is his first time as well, and you two have to let it come natural. When you truly love the person you are with it is an amazing thing, I promise. There is no right or wrong when you love that person, not in my experience.

Relax. Let it happen on its own. Don't force it, don't think you have to jump under the covers as soon as you say "I do", it will come naturally. Once you realize what it is all about, you will laugh at how scared you were. If he is patient and slow he will know exactly how to relax you and the night will just flow on completely natural. I really think once the time comes you will be calm and ready, and that afterwards you will wonder why you worked yourself up so much all this time over it. Take care, and I wish you the best.
Funny thing. I was actually afraid of driving as well. :P I didn't like the idea of having a giant piece of machinery which could kill multiple people as well as me in my hands. I eventually just HAD to do it. And now it's no big deal really.

I suppose the age is a factor. (though we are getting married young even so!) Also, for people whose first time is a do-it-in-the-dark-with-a-stranger sort of affair, though it's unethical and emotionally scarring especially for females, at least they don't have to look that person in the eyes for the every day for rest of their life if it's a horrible experience. And the marriage thing adds pressure because of the expectations. But that's something I'm willing to work through for the other rewards of waiting.

I don't know. I panic pretty easily, and once I have some worry on my mind I have trouble focusing on anything else. Also, it's easier for him because he's a guy. Guys are much more easily aroused than women. He'll completely forget any nervousness, but it's doubtful that I will be able to remember much else. And I sort of worry that if we wait for "the time to come", that it won't. Because I might be afraid to even see if I'm ready, and because I don't do well with scary things that loom undefined in the future. For example, I have such a fear of vomiting (though I don't desire it, like sex). I don't worry about it all the time because it's an undefined future point, only sometimes if something sets off my phobia (like a friend becoming ill). However if I have been near someone who has been sick or start to feel even a tiny bit nauseated myself, I go into panic mode. I worry that if we were to get past our current boundaries by even a little, I might realize where we were going, and panic. Which is the opposite of "relaxed". And the funny thing is, there have been a couple times in our relationship where we've accidentally crossed small physical boundaries. But it never made me panic (other than guilt or whatnot) because I knew that, no way no how were we going to have sex because that boundary is so definite because of our strongly held beliefs about marriage. But then I get married, and my boundaries are gone. Even the slightest touch could lead into something, which would cause me to panic.
  #40  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:25 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf View Post

Also, for people whose first time is a do-it-in-the-dark-with-a-stranger sort of affair, though it's unethical and emotionally scarring especially for females, at least they don't have to look that person in the eyes for the every day for rest of their life if it's a horrible experience. And the marriage thing adds pressure because of the expectations. But that's something I'm willing to work through for the other rewards of waiting.
Don't make rushed judgments about ethics or emotional scarring. You never know. My first vaginal sex was with a friend of mine, in a completely matter-of-factly fashion, without his realizing that I, oops, "lost my virginity" with him. He thought I had lost it with his close friend who was my first boyfriend but no, I had only had oral sex with that guy. So, it was completely uneventful, completely boring, non-dramatic, quick, non-earth-shattering sort of thing... and he was drunk to boot. Blah! But not unethical, not emotionally scarring, and not a horrible experience. Just plain boring. I did go on to have more meaningful sex life later on, thanks god. As to looking that person in the eyes for the rest of my life, I would absolutely love to look him up as we were good friends and I regret having disappeared from his life (as I did from the lives of many other friends), but... his name is Kevin Smith and with such a common name no Facebook, Twitter, or other technological miracle can help me locate him. Too bad.
  #41  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:27 PM
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I think the posts to say relax, don't read about it, and to just go at your own speed are the best. I will say tho, don't expect angels singing, or an earth shattering orgasm the first time. Sex, as with everything, gets better with practice! When done at your own speed, with love and with the right partner, it can be a wonderful part of a relationship and you may just feel closer to your hunny than you ever thought was possible.

The things that we spend time worrying over rarely end up to be as bad as we thought - try not to build things out of proportion in your mind. There simply is no point worrying about things that may never happen, and to only worry about stuff when it has actually happened.
  #42  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
Don't make rushed judgments about ethics or emotional scarring. You never know. My first vaginal sex was with a friend of mine, in a completely matter-of-factly fashion, without his realizing that I, oops, "lost my virginity" with him. He thought I had lost it with his close friend who was my first boyfriend but no, I had only had oral sex with that guy. So, it was completely uneventful, completely boring, non-dramatic, quick, non-earth-shattering sort of thing... and he was drunk to boot. Blah! But not unethical, not emotionally scarring, and not a horrible experience. Just plain boring. I did go on to have more meaningful sex life later on, thanks god. As to looking that person in the eyes for the rest of my life, I would absolutely love to look him up as we were good friends and I regret having disappeared from his life (as I did from the lives of many other friends), but... his name is Kevin Smith and with such a common name no Facebook or other technological miracle can help me locate him.
It's a personal belief. And I forgot to mention SPIRITUAL scarring as well. Not that I'm accusing you of anything, and not that it's permanent, etc, blah blah blah. But that was more what I was thinking actually, I just couldn't remember the right words.
  #43  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:31 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Also, it's easier for him because he's a guy. Guys are much more easily aroused than women.
A bottle of Astroglide should eliminate this worry. Or, but a cheap generic lube from the drugstore. Either will work just fine. Practice putting the lube inside you once before your first night with your husband, to get used to the sensation.
  #44  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:36 PM
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Also, for people whose first time is a do-it-in-the-dark-with-a-stranger sort of affair, though it's unethical and emotionally scarring especially for females, at least they don't have to look that person in the eyes for the every day for rest of their life if it's a horrible experience. And the marriage thing adds pressure because of the expectations. But that's something I'm willing to work through for the other rewards of waiting.
Two points here: The first is you cannot and shouldn't make judgements on other's experiences. You were not there, you do not know what happened, or how they feel.

The second is that I think you have a slightly skewered view on sex. Being married doesn't mean that there is more pressure, why should it? Everyone has a first time, being married makes no difference. You are building this up out of all proportion. There's been sound advice here and I really think you should let go of all of your previous views on sex, and relax. Sex, or making love can be a wonderful act. Sure, the first time, or even first few times can be strange, but then it would be wouldnt it? We ALL learn as we go along, like everything in life. I know one thing for sure, if you dont relax, it may be physically uncomfortable for penetration. Just listen to your partner, talk to your partner, go with your feelings and relax, relax relax!!!
  #45  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:37 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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It's a personal belief. And I forgot to mention SPIRITUAL scarring as well. Not that I'm accusing you of anything, and not that it's permanent, etc, blah blah blah. But that was more what I was thinking actually, I just couldn't remember the right words.
Yes, the choice of words is paramount. "Unethical" was clearly a bad choice of words. "Unethical" can refer to non-consensual sex between a 60-year-old and a 13-year-old; that is unethical (the behavior of the 60-year-old, that is, is unethical). Consensual sex between adults is well within the realm of ethical.
  #46  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:40 PM
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Astroglide or dollar tree K-Y certinly help. K-Y brand even has discreet take along individual travel packages. I don't think I would have the nerve to use it "there" myself at 38 years of age, Alone just to check things out. But certinly to each there own. If thats what you are comfortable w/ go for it.
  #47  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by riotgrrrl View Post
I think the posts to say relax, don't read about it, and to just go at your own speed are the best. I will say tho, don't expect angels singing, or an earth shattering orgasm the first time. Sex, as with everything, gets better with practice! When done at your own speed, with love and with the right partner, it can be a wonderful part of a relationship and you may just feel closer to your hunny than you ever thought was possible.

The things that we spend time worrying over rarely end up to be as bad as we thought - try not to build things out of proportion in your mind. There simply is no point worrying about things that may never happen, and to only worry about stuff when it has actually happened.
I have not read a single thing other than this forum and don't plan on it.

I understand that it's awesome. I understand it gets better. I even want it. But the fear, is irrational as far as I can see it. There are so many things I could attribute it to, but either none of them fit quite right or all of them fit too well. I'm not sure if the worry is caused by a performance anxiety, or a fear of pain, or a fear of losing my innocense because of the way I was brought up, or a fear losing control, or a fear of being disappointed, or a fear of the unknown, or even a fear of being afraid. I really don't know. It could be all of them. It could be none of them. This fear lies dormant, until something triggers it. Like the recent realization of how close the marriage is. Until then I never had much reason to think about it, especially since I avoided things that reminded me of it's impending existence in my life like the PLAGUE. But I was aware of the fear of course. I just always assumed that the future me who would be having sex would be a completely different, stronger, more MENTALLY SOUND me, who didn't have the phobia anymore. But now it's so close, and I'm realizing that the me who has sex is going to be the same me who I am now, or very close to it. And now, as I tend to be triggered to fixate on things, I am thinking about the fear so much, many times each day. And I can't stop.
  #48  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:42 PM
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Astroglide or dollar tree K-Y certinly help. K-Y brand even has discreet take along individual travel packages. I don't think I would have the nerve to use it "there" myself at 38 years of age, Alone just to check things out. But certinly to each there own. If thats what you are comfortable w/ go for it.
If it makes things easier then by all means turn off the lights.
  #49  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:43 PM
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Yes, the choice of words is paramount. "Unethical" was clearly a bad choice of words. "Unethical" can refer to non-consensual sex between a 60-year-old and a 13-year-old; that is unethical (the behavior of the 60-year-old, that is, is unethical). Consensual sex between adults is well within the realm of ethical.
Exactly.
  #50  
Old Nov 28, 2012, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf View Post
And now, as I tend to be triggered to fixate on things, I am thinking about the fear so much, many times each day. And I can't stop.
Have you got a therapist? I suggest talking to one about your way of dealing with the unknown. May just help you start to rationalise.
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