Afraid of sex... Getting married soon.

Are you always so exhaustively analytical?

Did you guys/will you guys be going to do counseling w/ the pastor who is marrying you before you get married. Most pastors here like to do that before they agree to marry a couple. If you do go that route you may ask the pastor if you can meet with his wife. You could always ask for advice from her. You c an from the pastor but for me personally that would be so weird. I would have to hide under the table and ask. But again that is just me.

Sex is a bodily experience. So - perhaps LESS analysis, less rationalizing, less intellectualizing may help the matters.

Okay, let me rephrase that without being judgmental. Being married FOR ME would have more pressure. Just the assumption that we have boundaries and that sex WONT happen, is somehow like a security blanket for me. (I made another post on this forum about the boundaries thing if you want further explanation) But then I get married. And then the sex boundaries aren't there anymore. In fact, sex is expected. Which is scary. And the trouble is, I don't know why it's scary, or why my stomach clenches up every time I think about it. I don't know how to relax because I don't know why I'm not relaxed, or even happy. Everyone tells me "relax!" but I still don't really know how. And when I imagine getting married, I imagine it as wonderful. It is all I want, and not even for the wedding (like so many women do!), just to be his wife. Finally. To cook together and sleep in the same bed and live life together as partners. But then I remember the sex part. And I used to choose entirely not to think about it and pretend it doesn't exist. But now I've realized that it's too close to pretend it doesn't exist anymore. And now, when I imagine even the day after the wedding, and him even kissing me, normally, like we've done many times, I see myself internally preparing to push him away, thinking oh my GOD, its going to happen. I see myself getting aroused and realizing oh my god, that means sex. And panicking. Because it's not that I don't want to do it, it's not that I'm not attracted to him, it's not that I'm worried about a particular thing involved, but something in me is crying NO.

Yes. :P I can't help it. I end up really worried a lot. And I have several phobias. In other words, here is the reason I am a member of this forum.

We haven't really got settled into a church yet. :\ And the pastor we were thinking about having marry us is closer to our home town, miles away. But we were going to try to find some Christian premarital counseling.

Yes. But I'm thinking about switching. I really LOVE my therapist, he's awesome (no him being male wouldn't bother me), but he's apparently the most popular therapist in town. We have yet to get me a good running appointment scheduled because he has so many patients and all his times so far are during times I can't go. So our meetings are very erratic. Right now I can't see him until after Christmas. *sigh* It's so hard to switch therapists though, and I've had some horrible experiences with other ones.

That makes sense. I hope you will find support for and relief from all your pain, not just the one connected with impending sex.

maybe make an agreement with him to limit the wedding night to kissing, kissing, more kissing, and then a hand job - you will figure out how to work his penis, and he will help you. This way there would not be anything in you to cry NO, right? No risk of vomiting, bleeding, pain, or some such. No risk of losing control - you will retain full control. Problem solved. As you become comfortable with this (which is still undeniably SEX), you will move on to new horizons. You can also if it feels safe allow him to touch you manually, but only it feels good.

Thank you. And so do I. Despite what it may seem though, even being able to talk about it on this forum has helped tremendously, at least towards getting me to talk and think about sex more willingly. Even the word "penetration" could have easily made me nauseous a few days ago, but now I can think, type, and say the word, and be only mildly uncomfortable if not completely okay.

I think that may help. The idea still makes me nervous, but it does not make me PANIC. Which is good.

Congratulations on your progress!

The practice just requires a little perseverance, but keeps you in complete control of the process, which is good, too.

The idea of being in control helps a bit, I think. I just need to keep thinking of it that way.

Actually at the beginning of this thread the idea would have made me quite panicky....but now it only makes me rather nervous. I don't know what was said on here that helped so much or else I would try to keep it going :P I really hope I don't forget about this thread and lose all my progress. I will need to come back and read everything again sometime. I feel like I am finally starting towards my goal of putting my worry to rest though. With baby steps. you guys are all awesome.

I suggest the two of you start the night out exploring each other bodies as much as you are comfortable with --no intercourse required.

Talk to your soon to be H. Is he as freaked as you are. I do know that you should not allow him to go into the wedding night thinking sex, sex, sex. (been there) Hope fully you guys can discuss it before you get married and have a plan in action for your wedding night. You can always change your plan if the need arises. Who knew (certinly not me) that it was ok to wait. JUST EXPLORING is a great idea. It might even prove to be fun to.

He knows about my issues, and he's not set on wedding night sex. He isn't nearly as freaked out as me though (or at least he won't admit it) :P But regardless he cares. Which is good enough for me.

I think it should be as with birthing plans. A couple can have the best birthing plan for the most natural unmedicated birth, but the situation may develop in such a way that a cesarean becomes necessary so out the window go all the plans for unmedicated vaginal delivery. And in the end it does not matter - what matters is that a healthy baby is ultimately delivered.

Here as well, if you do not have full-blown intercourse during the wedding night but just start becoming familiar with each other's bodies, that is still beautiful and that is your "healthy baby", no matter what the delivery route.

Makes sense?

Yes, actually.

How have you been doing?

Much better!

I was scared of sex when I was a virgin. Terrified actually. But when I slept with my first proper boyfriend it wasn't anywhere near as scary as I thought. We took it slow. That said, it wasn't as wonderful as I imagined either so it's important not to put overly high expectations on how it will be. The second time was so much better for me.

Aw, bless your heart! Congratulations to the both of you...you sound very happy with him, and it's refreshing to see a relationship such as yours, particularly at my age. Gives me some hope I'll come across that some day.

I'm not married, which I know is something you prefer in responses, but I grew up in a Christian household myself, and I was imparted with the same values. I hope I can offer you some help.

Anywho, in regards to your situation, based on what you're saying, you're blessed by simple virtue of him being so understanding (not that he would have any reason not to be). Someone's first time is a major life milestone, and it is perfectly normal to be a little afraid or apprehensive the first time. It's a combination of fear of the unknown coupled with the monumental importance usually placed on the event throughout the course of our lives. In short, it's just generally viewed as "a big deal," and some fear is absolutely normal.

You've received great advice during the course of this thread, and I would echo it. Take things slow...there is absolutely no rush. Take things at your pace, and don't be afraid to communicate with him. Just try to relax and take things slow, and things tend to happen as they will.

I'm not a woman, so I cannot comment about what to expect physically the first time, but my understanding is that it's generally not too bad, but arousal is an important factor. Taking things slow, so to speak, will help your comfort both physically and mentally. And please, don't worry about losing your innocence or purity. That is, in my opinion, very, very admirable of you, but do remember, you are with your husband. I don't think, in my own humble opinion, that sharing an expression of love with your husband affects your purity, in a less strict sense of the word, in the slightest. Granted, I don't quite equate virginity with purity, as I think there's a slight yet very substantial difference between the two, but I stand by what I said.

I wish you all of my best, and congratulations once again. I hope I was of some help to you. I wish you a great wedding, a wonderful marriage, and hopefully a very happy honeymoon.

Hugs,
Harley

A summary of how I'm doing: My phobia of sex was gradually improving. Gradually. And then I got put on a whole new medication and it pretty much went away. My therapist thinks it had to do with performance anxiety, and he says the medication has taken away the menial anxiety and that's why I'm okay with it now.

Edit: btw, I was always really afraid of the pain of breaking the hymen. Well, I switched to menstrual cups (which are relatively large compared to tampons) and in my determination to be eco-friendly, I pretty much broke the hymen all by myself. So no more worries about that. :P