A letter to my wife

I'm trying to find a way to open up to my wife and build a support for myself. I plan on getting back into therapy to help deal with some of this stuff. I wrote this letter to give to her, but I'm not sure if I should. It basically talks about what I have went through and the major events in my life that are associated with my depression. Every I try to talk to her about it, I freeze up and can't say anything. It is easier for me to write about it. Should I give her the letter? Is it too much? What do you use as support for your illnesses?

Thanks for any advice you can offer, and sorry for the long post.

The letter is below.

---Triggers Below---

Sarah,

I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t know how to talk about what I’m feeling and my struggle with depression. I hope this letter doesn’t overwhelm you, or make you think less of me.
I first start to feel depressed when I was in my teens. At the time I had no idea what was going on, I just remember feeling sad an alone. I tried to people, but I couldn’t explain what was going on when I had these feelings. I felt a lot of shame for not being happy like everyone else. Things were bearable until I had a pretty traumatic event in my life. When I was sixteen I found out my dad wasn’t my biological father. My mom slept with her sister’s boyfriend and I was the product of that encounter. When I first hear the news I was in shock. I couldn’t emotionally process it. When mom and dad broke up, when I was 8 or so I chose to live with dad. When I was younger, well I guess all my life mom was never around. She would rather be working than at home. When I was little I never got any support or encouragement. I think that contributed to having low self-esteem. Dad’s family never really supported me either. I always felt like a burden to them. They always seemed to treat Raymond better than me, and I was always left out of things. When I found out that they weren’t my family by blood, it completely destroyed my self-esteem. I didn’t know how to cope with this or how to even talk about it. How to you even begin to talk about it. I just buried it and pretended like everything was fine. It ate at me and made my depression so bad it was unbearable. One day I decided I had enough. I thought my life wasn’t worth living. I decided I was going to kill myself. I was 17 at the time. I remember feeling so lifeless and in complete despair for months. I was tired of feeling this way and I just wanted to stop feeling the despair and hopelessness. I swallowed a whole bottle of ibuprofen. I got really sick, but I didn’t die. I never went to the hospital and no one found out. I was just throwing up for a week. I was so ashamed at what I had done I couldn’t talk about it. I went on feeling miserable. Dad passed away a year later and I never got a chance to talk to him. Other than you, he is the only one in my life I ever felt like I was loved. I don’t know why he chose to raise me or but I’m glad he did. He was a positive force in my life, even though I had such a difficult time. After dad died I felt alone. I talked to a school counselor, but that was very little help. The guy just sat there is didn’t give me much advice. His basic thought was life sucks sometimes, dust it off and keep going. That’s kinda ****** advice for someone who has tried to kill themselves. I needed professional help and he wasn’t it. I started hurting myself to deal with all the emotional stuff. Sometimes I did it because I was feeling so depressed, other times I did it because I hated myself and though I should suffer. I feel a lot of shame over this. Sometimes when I look at my scar I fell resentment towards myself. Other times I look at them and say I was going through a lot of pain and it helped me from not trying to kill myself. I went to a couple of therapists that didn’t do much for me. They just kind of sat there and gave me meds. The meds didn’t make me feel better and made it hard to think. Eventually I got to a therapist that actually started to help. I felt comfortable talking to her and she seemed to be helping me. I was still really depressed and it was hard to feel any better, feeling that low. I wanted something more intense and I requested hospitalization. I was feeling suicidal and I remember I bought some sleeping pills I planned on taking. I told the therapist about it and she agreed it may be best if I go to the hospital. It was a disappointing experience. I didn’t find what I was looking for. I did fell safe there though. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself, and I couldn’t self-harm. In a way it felt like a prison and not a hospital. There was a strict schedule, and the only beneficial thing was group therapy, which I didn’t enjoy very much. Just telling someone about my problems doesn’t resolve them. I needed the therapy, talking with the psychologist, trying to figure out how to improve myself and control what I was feeling. I requested to be released from the hospital and I spent about a total of a week there. After I was released I had a couple more sessions with Amy, but my insurance changed and it was no longer covered by that provider. I tried another therapists and she sucked, so I gave up.
A while after therapy I meet this girl. A friend of brandy’s. Her name was Sarai. We dated for a while and I started to have feelings for her. It lasted about 6 months or so. She dressed very tom-boyish and it lasted for about six months or so. She decided she didn’t really like men and she wanted to date women. I just wanted someone to love me. I felt like no one in my life gave a ****. When the relationship ended, I was distraught. I decided that I didn’t want to live. I didn’t feel like anyone cared and I hated myself so why even bother. I swallowed a bottle of asprin. Raymond found me and took me to the ER. They gave me some carbon stuff and I was fine. I spent the night in the ER and they released me the next day. I think that attempt was more of a cry for help than the first. For the next year or so I just felt numb. I didn’t really feel anything. I finished high school and was working.
When we meet it was a major turning point in my life. You’re the first person in my life to make me feel like I mattered. Being with you I wanted to be happy and I didn’t feel like I should be punished and miserable. You made me feel like lot less ****ed up and like a normal human being. Being with you has made me very happy and gave my life meaning. It is what makes all the pain seem worth it, because of how good you make me feel. I feel so ashamed and guilty that I feel depressed. That’s why I tend to hide it from everyone. I feel no one will love me for feeling like this, like I’m a black hole of despair that everyone wants to get rid of. You make me want to get better and deal with this stuff. When I think about it, I get so overwhelmed, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I feel like I am alone in this fight and it is my own fault. I’m sorry for feeling this way and I’m sorry it has put a strain on our relationship at time. I know it must be difficult when I don’t talk about what is bothering me and when you can tell there something is. Being so distant, the low sex drive, not eating for days, and sleeping 18 hours a day must worry you when you notice it. It must also be frustrating to deal with on your end. I’m sorry for this and I’m sorry for being afraid to talk about it. Sometimes I feel like an awful husband. I want to get better and I want to tell you what is going on, I just don’t know how, and I’m scared. I think I should get back into therapy. Try to find someone like Amy that can help me. I want to be able to tell you how I feel. I want to tell you when I’m having a bad day. I don’t want to feel alone fighting this. I want to be able to tell you when I don’t feel safe because I feel so bad. When I get thoughts about suicide, you’re the reason I don’t give in to those thoughts. I get scared of myself sometimes. It is difficult to know that I am capable of making the choice to end my life and going through with the plan. That scares me. How can someone do that to themselves? I want to get better and be the husband you fell in love with. I want to be the happy person, who likes to joke around and enjoy life. You mean the world to me, and you make me truly happy and I feel loved.

Hey Adam, I think you should give it to her...it will definitely help her understsnd you ..and its.not too much..she needs to know these things in order to help you. Best wishes to you!

Hi Adam.

Absolutely beautiful message. My only advice woould be to omit or reword the portion about her being your reason for going on when you're feeling down. While very, very powerful, from her perspective, that might be a scary weight, you know? Otherwise, perfectly beautiful.

I hope it helps the both of you.

Hugs,
Harley

I agree with Harley. As I read it I thought how would I feel if this were given to me. The only part that spooked me at all was: Being with you has made me very happy and gave my life meaning. It is what makes all the pain seem worth it, because of how good you make me feel. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. It is flattering though and you know your wife. She might read it and think OMG HE LOVES ME SO MUCH. I would definitely give her the letter though.

Like other said i think you should send it, its beautiful letter and i think it would help her a lot to understand you

I think you should give her the letter it was beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the advice. I rewrote the last paragraph. It didn't quite say what I wanted it to say.

Below is the revised paragraph.

" When we meet it was a major turning point in my life. You’re the first person in my life to make me feel like I mattered. You gave me a sense like I belonged somewhere and I could be accepted. I realized what I needed in my life to truly be happy. A relationship like we have. I think this is a psychological need for me. Without being around people that care about me and like me, it makes me feel useless and unwanted which only adds to my depression. I need to be around people that are healthy for me, and not in my old environment that I grew up in. I need to be around people that I feel accepted and that I don’t feel like a burden. I think growing up with my family I never had the sense of belonging and I think it has hurt me more than I knew at the time. Being with you has made me realize I should be happy and I don’t deserve to feel miserable all the time. Sometimes I feel so ashamed and guilty for being depressed. That’s why I never really talked about it, other than saying “I’m depressed”. I feel like if I tell people, I will be this black hole of hopelessness and despair and everyone around me doesn’t want me to be around. I think this comes from family experiences, from trying to reach out and people saying I have nothing to feel sad for and get over it. Sometimes I close myself off. I pretend like everything is fine and try and focus on work and school, instead of dealing with what is bothering me.
Doing this doesn’t help anything. It makes it harder to deal with as well as making me feel alone. I don’t want to be alone with this. I’m not asking you to be my personal cheerleader, I just want to be able to tell you how I feel and not be dismissed or have you be upset with me for going through this. It is an incredibly awful feeling to tell someone how you feel and then have them be angry with you because you feel sad. I know it has to be difficult on you dealing with me sometimes. I’m sorry for this. It makes me feel like a bad husband and makes me think no one can love me or wants to be around me. I know you must get angry when I sleep all day. It’s not healthy for someone to sleep 18 hours a day, but sometimes that is all I feel I can do. Just ride things out until I feel better. Maybe that is a bad way to handle these feeling, maybe I should just talk to you, but I’m afraid. I’m sorry if you feel like I don’t want you when I get really down. Nothing can be further from the truth. You give me the strength to fight it. You give me a reason to hang on and not give into all the emotions that make me feel worthless, and complete hopeless about my life. You are my one light in the despair of depression. I find strength with you by my side. I want to get back into therapy. I need to get this issues dealt with and find better ways to cope. I need to learn how to love myself.
I know you want children and I am hesitant about it. It’s because of how overwhelming these feelings are. I get scared of myself sometimes. It’s scary to know I can feel so bad that I want to end my life. Even when everything isn’t complete horrible, I get thoughts about suicide. It’s not like I want to end my life, but when I feel depressed I just want it to stop. Your love for me gives me the will power to fight these emotions, but it scares me that I have them. How can be a good parent if I feel like hurting myself? How do I explain why daddy doesn’t feel good to a 5 year old? Another part of me wants children. I want to know what it is like to have a smiling little face look up to me because I mean the world to them. I want to be there for them, to watch them grow up and have happy healthy lives. I want to know what it feels like to have the love a child feels for their dad. I need to have a support system. Handling all this on my own obviously hasn’t worked and I want you to know how I feel. I just want to be able to openly talk about this stuff and not feel ashamed or have you angry at me. You mean the world to me and I want to be the best husband I can be. I need to find ways to better handle these feelings. I want to be the man you feel in love with. I want to be the happy person that jokes around and enjoys life. You mean the world to me, and you make me truly happy and I feel loved."

your letter is really well articulated and i know your wife will love it and glad to know what's really going on. I also know that you will/would make a perfect dad and you are the perfect husband and able to give the letter to her.

"When we meet it was a major turning point in my life." - grammar.

I gave her the letter. We got everything out on the table so to speak. She was annoyed I had to write letter and couldn't just talk to her. We talked and Im not sure about things. The kid situation is a sore spot for us. When we first got together we didn't want them and I was content with that. A few years ago she changed her mind. She thinks Im selfish for not wanting children. She said she accepted that she will probaly never have them. My instincts are telling me it is not something I am ready for. She says no one is ready.

There is also the issue of romance. Our sex life sucks atm. It is partly to do with my depression. And partly to do with her weight. We both gained about 50 pounds since we got married. I dont find her attractive as I did when we were 19. She is my wife and I still lover her, but I dont desire sex with her as much as I used. She weighs 250 pounds now, and I find it to be a turnoff. I feel bad for it, sex was more enjoyable when I we were both healthier, and I wanted everyday. I don't know what to do. I feel depressed and hopeless.

Hi Adam,

Based on your most recent post it seems like you are feeling overwhelmed which is leading to the depressed and hopeless feelings. There are a variety of issues at play in what you're describing so what you're feeling is really understandable. For the sake of clarity and organization, it might help to start by simply listing them out. You know yourself best, so you may find you want to modify:

- Coping and healing from issues from your past life experiences
- Ease of communication between you and your wife
- Physical attraction
- Growing your family: whether to do so and timing
- Getting proper sleep
- General happiness and wellness

If you look at each of these areas individually, you can start chipping away at them in an orderly way and start improving things gradually over time. Tackling one thing at a time and recognizing when you've made progress can help you grow individually and together.

For each area ask (either to yourself or both of you):
- what are the main basic reasons this is a problem in your life
- once you have defined the nature of the problem, decide whether you think it is worth doing something to resolve or improve it
- if yes, then brainstorm a few ways you or your wife could address those specific difficulties that you would both be happy trying
- for any of those actions that are realistic, work together on a plan for implementing them in your lives
- agree with each other (or with yourself if it's an individual goal) to check-in on the conversation on a recurring basis. Maybe you have a weekly time set aside to discuss where things stand. Don't expect a few long conversations to solve everything. Try for more frequent smaller conversations to maintain dialogue with yourself and between the two of you and build slowly.

At least this is a general process that I have found helpful in my own life and with my wife. Our marriage isn't perfect, but the concept of simplifying, clarifying, and dividing / conquering has been a method that has gotten us through a lot when things feel overwhelming. Ultimately it has the effect of making you both feel in control, mutually respected, and empowered.

Even the best marriages have many highs and many lows, so it's really good that you are honing your individual skills and practicing working together. The fact that you are on this forum being so thoughtful shows you care and desire to work on yourself and together with your wife on your personal and combined concerns.

As you put the work in, you will find that you do possess the inner ability to be an emotionally strong and happy person, you just need to develop it and that doesn't happen overnight. Your wife is clearly a great fit for you and has proven she can help bring these qualities out of you, but it is you who has these abilities inside. You two are really in love which is really great to see.

I realize different things work for different people, but I hope maybe some of this can be useful to you. Good luck with everything and hope this helps!

Adam, if you initiate sex at night in the dark when you are not looking at her body, would that help? You need to try to find something that works, especially if she herself is generous enough to acccept your extra fifty pounds.

It's not like I'm disgusted by her is anything. She is still beautiful to me. I think it is just the reptilian part of my brain guiding me. When we (guys) see a healthy attractive female and we are healthy are instincts are to mate. That is what drove my desire to have sex before I think. I should make it a point to me more intimate. I started eating better and working out a month ago and I do feel more desire. Maybe it is the testosterone from working out. I think getting back into shape will help. I miss having sex for an hour or two. Recently it's more like 20 mins and it's felt what as I can only describe as mechanical. The exploration and intimacy isn't that good anymore, and we just need to work on it. Thanks for the advice.

Givingtree,

Thanks for the advice. I think what you said is really good. In my life I guess I just got used to relying on myself to fix everything and it takes to people to make a marriage work. I need to communicate more. My wife says our marriage is like two roommates who sleep in the same bed sometimes. I get caught up in routine and focusing on what tasks I need to get done everyday. I forget to live and enjoy life.

It's been about a month since I gave her the letter. At first I think she felt hurt, and shocked a little. Things seam to be getting better between us, minus a few hicuups. I think now she has a better understanding of me now and how depression affects me. She says she feels helpless, but I told her she helps me more than she knows. She gives me a reason to get out of bed and do what I need to do. I think that made her feel better about things. I find it easier to talk to her about this stuff now. I still fill some hesitation, but I don't feel all alone with it.

I started taking meds a couple weeks ago. I think they are starting to work, minus some sexual side effects. I feel it is easier to deal with things on them. I wouldn't say I'm happy or giddy. Maybe that is how it is suppossed to work. To lesson the symptoms of depression. I still need to get into therapy. The proc at my doctors office doesn't do evening appointments. I need to find one that does or at least does weekends or something.

((adam)),

I think it is good that you shared with your wife, a relationship is better when a couple is open with each other, helps them understand each other better.

My concern is that you make sure that you don't make her feel "responsible" for your happiness or to "fix" you. I see you have told her that "she" is the reason for you getting up every morning, but that can also be pressure for her. I think that you need to let her know that you are not expecting her to "fix" you and that you do know that is "your job and not hers". I think a better thing that you can say to her is that because you "love" her so much you are more encouraged to "fix" these things that have troubled you.

I am thinking about her age, she is still young and doesn't have the "life skills" yet to know what to do about this new knowledge she has of you. So that is why I am encouraging you to make sure she knows you are not expecting her to "know" the answers/solutions to your challenges.

Also, you are both still pretty young so make sure you "plan things to do together" that are learning, fun things. I think I suggested that to you before, I think that is important for young couples, get involved with life and learning "together fun things" because you are both still young and really growing into yourselves still, which is still working on your "identities" more. Efforts to grow and keep learning will help that along and bring on stronger bonds.

Also, don't be too quick to put the Kabosh on having a family someday either. That is something you both can address in a few years again. I think that it is wiser for you both to grow together more. And you need to do some healing now, you can do it. I am very sorry that you had so much parental confusion and disappointment growing up, but that is not all of you remember, you have to work on yourself, learn to "love yourself" inspite of whatever was not there for you. It is "time" to walk away from the hurt and "love self and build "your life" now adam. You have presented yourself here as a good and caring person, while a little lost, the good and kindness is there in you, turn that "inward as well" know that you do deserve it.

(((Hugs)))

Thanks open eyes. I don't mean to put the burden on my wife of making me happy, that isn't my intent. I have to make me happy and learn to love myself. I can't expect to find that in someone else. I think loving yourself has to come from within. I need to get back into therapy and work on the issues that make me feel depressed, and address my self esteem.

Good, I am glad you are recognizing that. Yes, I do think getting back into therapy would be good for you. You need to find out that you are not as alone as you think you are, that there are "many" that feel lost, even those who grew up with both biological parents. Your age group and generation is struggling with alot of issues that come from parents that were very self absorbed and often about working and themselves more than focusing on "family" and the needs of the "children" in their lives. As I mentioned you are not much younger than my daughter and her generation was filled with children growing up in broken homes and family disfunctions. In fact I taught riding for 20 years and alot of my students were children who's parents were divorced and mixed up. So, it isn't just you that feels challenged, as I said, it is many in your generation.

(((Hugs))))