[adam_k]

I found this simple questionnaire about relationships. I thought I would share.

If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your spouse be on that list?
Yes, (before the events of this week)

Do you genuinely enjoy each other's company?
I enjoy her company. I don't know if she enjoys mine.


Do you laugh when you’re together?
We have similar senses of humor.


Do you have the same values, goals and interests?
Somewhat. I think all she wants out of life is to be a stay at home mom. I want to be successful and challenged at work. I want a wife with the same interest, but a different career. I would like a spouse that is a doctor or nurse. I have always appreciate women that are full of compassion and want to help others.


Do you and your spouse enjoy doing the same things?
We used to bond over video games but I have started to grow out of wanting to play. I want something to do that is more fulfilling.


Do the two of you want the same things out of life?
I don't know. I want to work and be successful. I also want a deep connection with someone that I enjoy to be around.


Do you express a lot of affection and appreciation for each other?
I try and give her affection. She makes me feel guilty and unwanted by being frustrated about it.


Or is there mostly indifference, negativity and hostility in your relationship?
She shows me a lot of indifference.


Does your partner make you feel understood?
Not really. When I talk about me I think she mostly tunes me out. She doesn't take in interest in most things I like.


Does your spouse try to see your point of view?
Not really. I think she only likes to look at it from her side.


When discussing things, does your husband or wife listen to what you have to say?
Yes when we actually discuss things. Both of us tend to ignore problems until the become giant snowballs.


Is your relationship based on fairness? Does your spouse see you as an equal?
I don't think so. She wants me to make all the decisions and take care of everything. It feels like I have married a child.


Do you feel you are treated with respect? Or do you feel used, exploited, or taken for granted?
I feel taken for granted. I am left to do most work in the releationship. I married a chef who plays video games when she is not cooking her one meal a day.


Do you feel that your spouse will be there for you in a time of need?
No. I reveled my darkest secrets to her without knowing if she would accept me or understand. Her response was to have an emotional affair with some guy online.


Can you count on your spouse for help when the going gets tough?
No. She buckles under pressure and expects me to fix things.


Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your spouse?

Not easily and it is difficult to share.


How easy is it for you to talk to your spouse about sensitive issues?
No. I feel guilty and ashamed for asking for anything.


When you disagree with each other, do the two of you work together and try to resolve your differences?
We both avoid problems until they become overwhelming.


Or is there a lot of hostility, disregard and contempt when disagreements arise?
I would say disregard and then I feel like when things go wrong it is my fault.


Does your spouse satisfy you sexually?
Somewhat. She was my only partner. I think she would be much more attractive with 120 pounds lighter. When we have sex she doesn't do much work. I also asked her to dress more like a women and she tells me what is the point. I say it is for me and it is something I like. My requests went unanswered. I don't feel like she is there to please me. It feels like she lays there and wants me to use her to please myself. Sometimes sex feels one sided. I want to be touched and connected. I don't want someone to lay there and take it for 30 minutes.


Do you have sex on a regular basis? Or are you disappointed or frustrated with your sex life?
The first couple years we had sex almost everyday. After that we both started to lose interest. It went from everyday to a couple times a week to once a months to a half dozen times a year. After she complained about it, I tried to have sex everyday and she got irritated with that. I am completed frustrated with it. I also don't like that she doesn't initiate sex. I want to know I am desired and when she expects me to make her have sex whenever i feel like it, It makes me feel like i am using her. I don't like that.




I think the answer is no for me. Any thoughts?

[Travelinglady]

Well, based on your answers to these questions, I'd say the answer is "no," also.

[adam_k]

When I say dress like a women I ment to simply wear a skirt and cute shirt. She has wore these same baggy sweatpants for the last year with old ratty t shirts. I am one for being comfortable and as a daily thing I honestly don't care what she wears. I just wanted her to simply make a small concession to show she cares about my feelings. She even picked the clothes out that she wanted. I don't get it.

[~Christina]

Sorry but I doubt this marriage can be salvaged.. and that is Okay. Time to move on.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by adam_k

How easy is it for you to talk to your spouse about sensitive issues?
No. I feel guilty and ashamed for asking for anything.

I think the answer is no for me. Any thoughts?

agreed, especially with her causing/contributing to your feelings of guilt/shame. You have depression which contributes to those feelings on its own. You do not need a partner who contributes yet MORE!

I am not saying that your partner should relieve those feelings, but at the least she should not be adding to them.

[Jandoe7]

Address the problem as soon as it happens. How would it hurt? It may help in solving a few things. It would also help with both of your feelings.

Originally Posted by adam_k

I found this simple questionnaire about relationships. I thought I would share.

If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your spouse be on that list?
Yes, (before the events of this week)

Do you genuinely enjoy each other's company?
I enjoy her company. I don't know if she enjoys mine.


Do you laugh when you’re together?
We have similar senses of humor.


Do you have the same values, goals and interests?
Somewhat. I think all she wants out of life is to be a stay at home mom. I want to be successful and challenged at work. I want a wife with the same interest, but a different career. I would like a spouse that is a doctor or nurse. I have always appreciate women that are full of compassion and want to help others.


Do you and your spouse enjoy doing the same things?
We used to bond over video games but I have started to grow out of wanting to play. I want something to do that is more fulfilling.


Do the two of you want the same things out of life?
I don't know. I want to work and be successful. I also want a deep connection with someone that I enjoy to be around.


Do you express a lot of affection and appreciation for each other?
I try and give her affection. She makes me feel guilty and unwanted by being frustrated about it.


Or is there mostly indifference, negativity and hostility in your relationship?
She shows me a lot of indifference.


Does your partner make you feel understood?
Not really. When I talk about me I think she mostly tunes me out. She doesn't take in interest in most things I like.


Does your spouse try to see your point of view?
Not really. I think she only likes to look at it from her side.


When discussing things, does your husband or wife listen to what you have to say?
Yes when we actually discuss things. Both of us tend to ignore problems until the become giant snowballs.


Is your relationship based on fairness? Does your spouse see you as an equal?
I don't think so. She wants me to make all the decisions and take care of everything. It feels like I have married a child.


Do you feel you are treated with respect? Or do you feel used, exploited, or taken for granted?
I feel taken for granted. I am left to do most work in the releationship. I married a chef who plays video games when she is not cooking her one meal a day.


Do you feel that your spouse will be there for you in a time of need?
No. I reveled my darkest secrets to her without knowing if she would accept me or understand. Her response was to have an emotional affair with some guy online.


Can you count on your spouse for help when the going gets tough?
No. She buckles under pressure and expects me to fix things.


Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your spouse?

Not easily and it is difficult to share.


How easy is it for you to talk to your spouse about sensitive issues?
No. I feel guilty and ashamed for asking for anything.


When you disagree with each other, do the two of you work together and try to resolve your differences?
We both avoid problems until they become overwhelming.


Or is there a lot of hostility, disregard and contempt when disagreements arise?
I would say disregard and then I feel like when things go wrong it is my fault.


Does your spouse satisfy you sexually?
Somewhat. She was my only partner. I think she would be much more attractive with 120 pounds lighter. When we have sex she doesn't do much work. I also asked her to dress more like a women and she tells me what is the point. I say it is for me and it is something I like. My requests went unanswered. I don't feel like she is there to please me. It feels like she lays there and wants me to use her to please myself. Sometimes sex feels one sided. I want to be touched and connected. I don't want someone to lay there and take it for 30 minutes.


Do you have sex on a regular basis? Or are you disappointed or frustrated with your sex life?
The first couple years we had sex almost everyday. After that we both started to lose interest. It went from everyday to a couple times a week to once a months to a half dozen times a year. After she complained about it, I tried to have sex everyday and she got irritated with that. I am completed frustrated with it. I also don't like that she doesn't initiate sex. I want to know I am desired and when she expects me to make her have sex whenever i feel like it, It makes me feel like i am using her. I don't like that.




I think the answer is no for me. Any thoughts?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Jandoe7

Address the problem as soon as it happens.

They probably cannot, because, citing Adam,

"Does your spouse try to see your point of view?
Not really. I think she only likes to look at it from her side."

[adam_k]

After 4 days of being in the same house and bit speaking my wife wrote me a letter. I may post the letter later, but it basically said how much pain she is in and how she now realizes what she had. She also said that she would rather die than not have me in her life. She doeesn't know how to go on. She says all she wants to do is cry, hut she wont't let herself do it in front of me because she doesn't want to cause me anymore pain.

We have been sleeping in different rooms since all. I went into talk to her. We talked for a few hours and I told her that I want an equal in the releationship. There are things we both need to work out in our lives. I need therapy to deal with my depression and she need to find a job and pay off her debts. I said I was willing to go through marriage counsling but it will take a lot of work to fix what she has done.

I want a gesture from her that she is commited to making this work. Somethings than is more than just words. She has to find a job and start taking control of her own life. She has to find what in her life gives her fulfillment and start doing that. We are both getting older and our needs are changing. I want to work andbe sucessful in what I do. I also need someone in my life that I implicitly trust. Excluding this community, I have openly talked to 3 people in my life about my depression, self harming and family issues. Two of this people have an ethical obligation to secrecy and the other was her. At the time I was being completely open and honest about who I was, she was violating my trust with her reaction to this other person. I told her that hurt me so deep I didn't feel anything for a few days.

I said I was willing to try and work these issues out, but it will be a difficult journey. It will take me a long time to trust her again. I don't even know how to rebuild trust after this.

On a different note I feel I may have messed up. We also had sex yesterday, and this morning and with plans on it for tonight. I still love her and I still enjoy sex. Is it wrong to have that right now? The sex was different this time compared to the last couple years. I felt like she wanted me and that she wasn't just laying there to let me have my way. It is very confusing and difficult right now.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by adam_k

On a different note I feel I may have messed up. We also had sex yesterday, and this morning and with plans on it for tonight. I still love her and I still enjoy sex. Is it wrong to have that right now?

It is neither right or wrong. It is just your living your life.

[Neversolost]

I commend you for your efforts.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by adam_k

On a different note I feel I may have messed up. We also had sex yesterday, and this morning and with plans on it for tonight. I still love her and I still enjoy sex. Is it wrong to have that right now? The sex was different this time compared to the last couple years. I felt like she wanted me and that she wasn't just laying there to let me have my way. It is very confusing and difficult right now.

I don't think that it is wrong at all. She is your wife, whom you still love, and the act was passionate. That is fun and it brings the romance back into your life again!

The tricky part is not allowing those other key points bothering you to be temporarily forgotten. I'm not saying that you or wife is attempting to derail the headway, but it can be done very quickly and easily in circumstances like these. (Just words of experience warning you.)

[Confusedinomicon]

I would insist on making an appointment with a marriage counselor so you can start working on issues and not put them off like shezbut mentioned.

Making love is a wonderful thing

I am with Shez, though. Dont lose site of the other things.

[Big Mama]

Adam, often sex is the only true bond that holds you together. It is a time to rebuild and connect. It is a time that builds bonds. And I feel like that is ok if you are both capable of sex and the outcome is positive. It shows you where true feeling lie. Let me tell you to much info for a sec. My H and I have been doing T for quite awhile and we finially had sex. The kind where you both want to. It was the first time in at least a year maybe longer that it was actually "good". That is promising, that the relationship is moving forward. There may be light at the end of the tunnel. Sex says alot about things and situations that words can't begin to describe. So in my eyes the fact that you guys had sex and willingness from both of you says something about things being salvageable.

Let me say people can change. In regards to my H and me it has looked bleak. So many people have said once an abuser always an abuser, people don't change, an so many ohter things. But w/ 2 months shy of a year, marriage T is finally helping. We just graduated to every other week. So it can be done. No one else can tell you what to do or make the decision for you. Yall have to do what is right for your situation.

As far as your questions. That is a lot of thinking. You put alot of effort into those.
The very first question threw me.

If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your spouse be on that list?

My H would not be on that list. No I would not want to spend my day w/ him.
So that tells me I still don't know where my relationship is headed.

I have been reading a really good book though. One that might give you some answers. To good to leave To bad to stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum.

I hope you guys can both go together for T. If she is unwilling then she is unwilling to change and give things a chance. Best of luck my friend. I feel for you. You are in a terrible place mentally I know. I would not wish this kind of torture on anyone. Know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you both.

[adam_k]

Things are improving. She is starting to listen to my needs and giving me what I ask for. She has also put in 60+ applicationa last week. I think there is hope.

I still hurt. What she did hurts a lot. I just wanted to run away from it. There are good things about my marriage and for the first part of it we were really happy. I'm just not sure if I can trust her again. I don't know how to put that bridge back up. I told her to schedule an appointment with my therapist for counsling. She is also a family therapist as well. If my wife can chnage her behavior then I am willing to stay.

[justmemaybe]

Adam. Im going to be honest. It sounds to me and I maybe wrong. That you think marraige is about sex? Its not...

[adam_k]

I don't think the marriage is about sex. I enjoy sex and I think a health releationship with two people in thier late 20 should have sex frequently. My wife also enjoys sex so it is a mutually good thing for us.

There are other deeper problems, like my wife not being honest with me about things like her student loan. Her lack of working to take care of things she agreed to pay for. Her withdrawing from responsibilities like make decisions that affect both of us and leaving me to make all the decisions. Our mutual lack of communication that lead us to not feel connected to eachother. Also her emmotional affairs with people. She should have had that emmotional connection with me, but she chose to ignore our problems and look to someone else to feel connected.

I don't think sex was ever really a problem. In the last couple months I started wanting sex everyday. I don't think it was the sex as much as just her attention and affection I was wanting. During sex was the only time I was getting that. We grew apart and stopped doing stuff together. I think I can releate to her feeling like we were roomates, because of these problems that neither one of us were addressing.

She made an appointment with my therapist. She is going to talk to her alone first and then schedule a couple's session. There are some good things about my marriage that I like. Me and my wife generally get along. I don't think she willingly takes advantage of me. I think her lack of taking care of her responsibilities was out of laziness and lack of confidence nd not malovence for me. I think the emmotional affairs were out of not knowing how go fix the problems between us and wanted to have someone to talk to, from there it spiraled into something more. I have hope for my marriage, but my wide is going to have to make some changes in her life for me to stay. I think the marriage counsling will help.

[LovelaceF]

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, Adam, but I will tell you what I think anyway.

To me, marriage is not something to be taken lightly. It is easy for bystanders to come in and say "leave" or "you deserve better" or "she's no good for you". Ultimately, though, you are the person who must make that judgement call.

I've been married a long time, and I know that the majority of my negative feelings toward my husband are temporary. I married a good man. He's a good person, and a good father. He works hard. We share similar goals. We support each other.

Yes, there are things that could improve. No, my husband can't relate to me emotionally on every level, or even many levels. Yes, he does things I don't like. Yes, his moods are difficult sometimes, etc, etc. I won't bore you with all of the mundane problems that we have.

Overall, however, I know that this marriage is worth it. It's worth every sacrifice I make. It's worth losing arguments. It's worth losing sleep. It's worth hard work. I can feel it in my bones. I don't question it.

In the past we have gone through some rough times. I've questioned our marriage. I've thought about leaving. In the end, though, I am glad we worked through it. The negative feelings pass, and meanwhile my husband and I have a very deep connection and love that lasts through all of the bumps. We might not be in love with each other all of the time, but we always love one another.

I think it's commendable that you're trying to work things out with your wife and go to counselling. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you will have been better off for trying. If you retake the quiz that you posted at the start of this thread in the future, I would be wiling to bet that your answers will change depending on the outcome of your therapy.

Best of luck.

[Perna]

Did you take the questionnaire by yourself instead of together with your wife? It sounded like there was a lot of guessing on your part about what she thought/felt. I would have enjoyed taking the questionnaire together with my spouse, finding out what they did think, what they saw as our problems, how they felt. You can't get closer together by being so individual all the time?

As an extension of what Perna commented on - and I'm not so certain if this was addressed, as my focus these days is nil - have you shown her the results of this questionnaire? Perhaps that might open her eyes even more.

And as an outsider looking in, I don't believe people that have affairs - emotional or otherwise - do so all the time out of malice or hatred or spite for their partners. In fact, it angers me when people immediately point the finger and call the person "evil", but it's never an easy call to make. Depression can make a person do things that they'd never ever predicted they'd do. Whether or not you both see a counsellor together, I truly believe that your wife needs one on her own. Depression - and other mental issues - can bring a person so low that they might do just about anything to grasp for a spark of hope.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Perna

Did you take the questionnaire by yourself instead of together with your wife? It sounded like there was a lot of guessing on your part about what she thought/felt. I would have enjoyed taking the questionnaire together with my spouse, finding out what they did think, what they saw as our problems, how they felt. You can't get closer together by being so individual all the time?

I have not shown it to her yet. When I originally filled it out I was angry and frustrated. It took her writing me a letter to be able to start talking again. I was extremely hurt and angry and didn't even want to look at her. I just wanted to run away and not have to face what she did to me. After I read her letter, I felt how guilty and how much remorse she felt for her actions. I think it was also a wake up call for her. I think both of us got too comfortable with each other and stopped talking and taking an interest in each other's lives.

A few weeks ago I told her about this forum, not by name but just that I found something thathelps lme deal with things. I offered to share it with her, but after talking we decided it might be best if I keep it for myself. She has a best friend that she talks to and this place is like my best friend in a way. Guys just don't talk about this kind of stuff and I can't imagine being as open as I am here with them. Angry is a much more accepted emotion than sadness for men and that kinda sucks. I talked to my friend Jose about it, and the question of how do you feel never came up. Just that the situation really sucks and what I was going to do about it. At the time I wanted to leave, but now I am willing to try and work things out.

[Harley47]

I hope things go well with trying to reconcile Adam...you're a good man for being willing to try, I think. If she is as willing to work with you as you are with her, I trust you two will be okay. You are both in my prayers.

I think you pretty much have all your answers right here in your writing, Adam.

I agree that it would be helpful for your wife to take the quiz, too!

And share the results with each other when you are ready...after she has gone to T and you have your first joint session. Perhaps you can prepare for it.

Best wishes to you, friend!

Originally Posted by adam_k

There are other deeper problems:
- my wife not being honest with me about things like her student loan.
- her lack of working to take care of things she agreed to pay for.
- her withdrawing from responsibilities (like making decisions that affect both of us and leaving me to make all the decisions).
- our mutual lack of communication that lead us to not feel connected to eachother.
- her emotional affairs with people.
- we grew apart and stopped doing stuff together.

She made an appointment with my therapist. She is going to talk to her alone first and then schedule a couple's session.

There are some good things about my marriage that I like:
- generally get along.
- I don't think she willingly takes advantage of me.
- I think her lack of taking care of her responsibilities was out of laziness and lack of confidence (and not malovence for me).
- I think the emotional affairs were out of not knowing how go fix the problems between us and wanted to have someone to talk to, from there it spiraled into something more.
- I have hope for my marriage

BUT
- my wife is going to have to make some changes in her life for me to stay.
I think the marriage counsling will help.

[Big Mama]

Adam things do sound a little more promising. Those questions were good ones. I plan on looking over them when I have more time. If she is truely sorry and willing to take responsibility and go to T and you are still open to T. Then to me you both are interested in saving your marriage.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Adam things do sound a little more promising. Those questions were good ones. I plan on looking over them when I have more time. If she is truely sorry and willing to take responsibility and go to T and you are still open to T. Then to me you both are interested in saving your marriage.

This do seem promising. She has started showing me more affection and we are talking to each other like we used to. She also acknowledge my need for physical contact and she says she never realised what it meant to me. I am surprised she wanted to go into therapy on her own. She hates doctors and going to see them. She is also not one to act to emotional. Growing up with 4 brothers and being a navy daughter she is pretty tough. She isn't one to open admit her feelings. She said with me she never had to act tough or stand up for herself. She didn't have to keep her guard up like everyone else she used to date.