Is the releationship worth saving

No. She would be working now if she were indeed tough.

It is good that she chose to go to T on her own. One's willingness to work, willingness to go to T, one's willingness to have the drive to push forward is not determined by our parents, our relatives. Even those who have been in the military can tell you every human can get down, can have mental illness, can throw there own pity party.

The thing about strength is having the courage to make changes when you know and see that you need to. Strength is admitting you were wrong. Strength is going to T when you hate what you have become. That is what it is to be tough. So it is tough to turn your life around, get help admit you are wrong. Majority of the time efforts are paid off in the long run and I hope this is the case for you guys to. Hard work will pay off.

I just want to see the best in her. I still have no idea how I can trust her. I feel real crappy that I was being completely open and honest with her and at the same time she was Lying and hiding these from me. I don't think 4 days of her crying makes up for what she did to me. I want to be angry with her, but atthe same time I want to be happy and loving towards her. She is my wife and I care deeply for her, but I am still hurt by what she did. I don't know what to do about it. My only hope is therapy wed will give me some insight.

(((adam)))

Imo, T is what you need to do. T, as a couple, to work through these mistakes made and grow together again and stronger than ever! I am sure that your wife is hiding ghosts from her past, that made her the person that she is today. Just like you have had bad things happen in your past. We all cope with our ghosts in different ways.

Getting to understand each other better and hopefully let all of those walls down inside T on both sides will be exactly what you both need to feel love and acceptance from one another. I wish you both the very best as a couple! It can be hard work ~ but I DO think that it's worth it!!

I was just thinking about the questions you answered and how you have not shown them to your wife yet. If it were me I think I would share that w/ the T first. That way when your wife has questions you will understand your own answers better. That is what I have to do. But I am terribly insecure so that might not apply to you.

I am currently frustrated. After starting to make up it is like things are going back to normal. I should be happy but I am still angry. I want to believe that she will do better, but I don't have faith in her. She always seems to let me down. I don't tell her about it, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad for saying this, but I think my wife is pretty mediocre. I doubt I will ever tell her that but I don't feel like she is that special someone anymore. When we first met I thought she was really good for me and I think she was. Now I feel like I am carrying her through life. One thing that bothers me is I feel guilty when I work on school and want to do well at work. In the back of my mind I think she disapproves. Maybe it is all in my imagination. Why isn't she happy that I want to do well and I put forth the effort to succeed. I think of all the ladies out there who have boyfriends that smoke pot all day and play Xbox. That is more the norm than me, why is she not grateful I do well. I know she just wants to see me, but I feel I am at an impass with this.

I was excited with the prospect of moving out and living my own life. I thought I no longer have to worry about this releationship. I can work as much as I want, meet new and interesting people. I could experience new things. I feel like with getting back with her, my life will become what it was.

I also had a realization last night that I find my wife slightly unattractive. It is mostly due to the weight. When we went out on a date over the weekend, she was really pretty. I just find the extra weight a turn off. I told her as nicely as I can about it. I doubt she has the will power to lose it to be honest. I think for a long time I didn't mind it that much. I just want her to be healthy and more the fit. I feel like a jerk for saying that, but it is how I feel. I think on some level, I find myself to be more attractive than my wife. I don't know. Other times I have a horrible self image and hate the way I look. I don't want to be vain.

Sorry for the long vent. Most of that was probally incoherent ramblings. I am just frustrated at the moment.

Perhaps your success is reminding her that she hasn't had any. That can lead to resentment.

In regards to the weight...yes, she'll have to have the motivation to lose weight. I suspect you've suggested this already, but perhaps you could both go to a gym together. Or go for walks together once the weather is better (I don't know...is it better where you are already? I'm looking at 4 ft snow drifts outside of my office window at the moment). Just anything really to get more active. When people are more active, it becomes easier to just get out and do more things.

One more thing...just because she is seemingly willing to work at this relationship now, doesn't mean you have to. It will take a lot of soul searching on your part, but perhaps you don't want to be in the situation any longer. If you don't honestly think you can be happy and really don't see things changing, you might need to make the decision. You are not responsible for her happiness - she is. If she can't be happy, that's not your fault, Adam.

I don't know what I want. I just hurt and want to push her away from me. I want to get away from this because I don't know how I can learn to trust her after this again. It's like everytime things get bad for me, she isn't there. Well jot everytime, but I was also depressed the last time she did this. It is hard enough to deal with depression, but then when I feel like crap I have to worry about my wife going away to another releationship.

I have a hard time dealing with dishonesty. My own existing comes from a mother who cheated on my father. My whole life is somewhat of a lie. It devastes me when someone I care about betrays me like this.

Maybe this is coincidence, but this week in spite of all that happened I was feeling good. Now that me and Sarah are trying to patch things up, I am starting to feel depressed. I think I am starting to resent her. I just want to push everyone out of my life and be alone right now.

Keep going to T. At one point our T suggested the posibility of me/him leaving for 3 months. Just so we could both heal and see what things were really like ALONE. The intent was for my H to go t T alone, me go alone, and us go together every other week. Things turned ugly before the opportunity to do that and things went in a different direction. That is always an option. Hang in there.

Thanks mama. She has therapy today and I have mine tomorrow. I'm just feeling sad and frustrated at the moment.

A few thoughts.

A jaded thought - her willingness to work this out might be stemming from her realization that she won't be able to support herself. If the alternative is, as you pointed out, somebody playing games all day long, and, she cannot support herself on her own, then her outlook without you is bleak.

120 extra lbs is a lot. It is not zaftig anymore, but obese. And, hard to shed even with motivation.

Vanity is not a bad thing. While it can be taken to an extreme by women who. Need to spend two hours in the morning on the pursuit of vanity before they leave house, iit is overall a good thing. I am not endowed with much vanity, but when I lose even the little bit that I have and do not feel worthy of applying sunscreen, that is a bad sign. Psychiatrists routinely note appearance in the chart, for a reason. I had a wonderful woman p~doc when I had my last (hopefully, LAST forever) suicidal depression. She was seeing me weekly in an effort to help me stay outpatient. When things got a little better, she was glad to notice that I came to the appointment looking ok and not completely disheveled. So vanity is a positive thing overall and you need not want not to be vain.

Adam, do you think it would help if you brought a print out of your thoughts / writings here to your T so you can focus on the main points that are top of mind so you can stay on track with T and discuss each point in the course of your session. It will probably take more than one session and things might change a bit.

But the trust issue is a pretty big thing. Along with resentment and feeling held back and not appreciated.

I know you love your spouse, too, or you wouldnt be working so hard. But the weight thing is an issue too if it is bothering you and creating another block between you. These are important matters that you feel and hopefully you will honor them by speaking up and not sweeping them under the rug.

Your thoughts and feelings count. No matter how trivial or "mean" or "not nice" you may think they are. They affect you and how you feel about yourself and how you go about your daily life. That is one very important thing I have learned here in my own efforts to make gains and heal.

Being heard. Being validated. No matter how ridiculous we may feel. It is such a relief to know we are just human. And to just get it out. The good, the not so good and what we consider the not so lovely.

People will only change if THEY want to. I think sometimes a trial separation would be very helpful .. That will allow you a break and time to really look at you and her and your marriage.. and on the other hand will allow her to get a job and keep it and build herself back up as it seems she has some issues she needs to work on.

There is no easy answers to any marriage.

Sorry you are just overwhelmed with all of this. I hope things get easier.

We have marriage counsling tonight. I have the same therapist for individual therapy as well. I'm hopeful that me and her can learn to communicate better. I think that is where a lot of our problems started. The lack of good communication.

On both sides of the marriage we have other issues that need to be addressed as well, such as my depression. I hope it goes well tonight.

Keeping my fingers crossed that tonight will go well. Keep trying, and let the T help and you might be surprised.

Me and Sarah just had our second marriage counsling session. I like it, but it is difficult to talk about some issues. Today we talked about the emotional affair. I said that I was still hurt and angry about it. That it upset me enough that I was going to leave the releationship. She was appoligetic and told me I had the right to feel upset. I was having some internal conflicts and it helps to have my feelings validated. On one hand I think a spouse should have implicit trust that thier spouse is faithful and one the other hand I felt like I don't have that trust. We are trying to work things out. I think the counseling helps.

Adam, Good for you for continuing and pushing forward in your T sessions w/ your wife. It sounds productive, and very difficult. I feel for ya buddy. Been there, still there. I showed to list of q's you answered at the begining of this thread to my T today. She was quite impressed w/ the line of questions, and concerned about my answers. But anyway, hang in there buddy.

Thanks mama. I haven't shared the questions and answer yet. I think at the moment it will just complicate things. We are just trying to open communication and I don't want to overwhelm her or be overwhelmed myself.

Good idea Adam. Take your time, you will get to what YOU need to get to in good time. Even if you never share that the T, hopefully was insightful to you and might be interesting to look back at in a few months from now and see if the answers have changed.

I think they will. The therapist is pretty good at communication and asking the right questions. She is also experienced with depression. I think it is hard on Sarah that I have depression. I think the sessions will help her understand me better. I just worry about wearing her down emotionally with it. A therapist can stand by you in the brunt of it and lead your life into a better direction. I fear that if I am an open book emotionally my wife won't like all of the ups and downs.

Before I opened up to Sarah about it, I would focus on school or work and try to keep my mind busy until the sadness faded. When I isolate and withdraw I tend to get worse and it builds up to a point of being uncopable. Expecially back when I didn't have anyone to talk to about it and in my teens I didn't understand what depression was. I'm now trying to find a better way to have balance in my life. Overloading myself may keep me safe and lessen the depression, but it doesn't address it and it was harmful to my marriage. I have one on one therapy with the same therapist. I find her easy to talk to.