My ex-boyfriend is blackmailing me!

sure thanks for the updates and keep us posted on further developments; good job getting action so fast

This sadly happens way too often. Just a few days ago I read something about a similar case in the news (I live in Denmark) - and I can't say that I'm not familiar with this, because I am.

I had this happen to me last year, in the early summer. I trusted the wrong guy and he took great advantage of it.

I didn't take action, mostly out of fear and because I knew it would lead to nothing. His family has an army of lawyers and I had little to support my own case.

I still think about this daily and it haunts me. I hate knowing that stuff like this happens and that it ends up on the internet, it's humiliating and terrible.

I've learned a great deal and I have major trust issues now, but I'm 10 times wiser.

I hope everything works out for you. ;s And be careful.

my second H shared information about me with my children and managers/colleagues; the info was highly private and and the disclosure was much more damaging than sharing nude pictures would have been because nude pictures are ubiquitous and suicide attempts/mental illness not so ubiquitous; posing nude does not mean that you are incapable of doing the various things that an adult wants to be doing but having attempted suicide and having serious mental illness do make you very weak in the eyes of most people. At any rate, he shared that. Part was excusable as done "in the heat of the moment" - sharing with the managers/colleagues right after the suicide attempt. Later sharing was not excusable as it was coldly premeditated.

He also blackmailed me later, threatening to share this information with another employer who did not know anything but good things about me.

In other words, while there is some merit to the strategy of not giving your partners potentially damaging information - in other words, playing it safe by not posing nude, not attempting suicide, not getting sick with mental illness, and not in general being vulnerable in any way.

A better strategy is learning how to associate with trustworthy people. While I have never posed nude, I did have very playful pictures taken many years ago by a lover who was an amateur photographer. He was an early adopter of the internet technology back then, and clearly could have posted the pictures later, but did not, even though he felt sad when I left him (and married the guy who would later divulge my mental health status to my employer - stupid me). Why? He was/is a good man.

That aside, given that you are so young, it is hard to assess whether the bf is a good man, so playing it safe by not posing nude does still make sense as a precautionary measure, but your general strategy should still be learning how to tell a good man from crap.

I did not mean to negate the significance of the wrongdoing on the part of the your ex bf, but just to list alternative ways to blackmail a person.

It could be that one day there will be so many nude pictures on the internet that nobody would think it is a big deal, but given that mental illness will never be that prevalent, we can expect that the stigma associated with mental illness will go on.

Update...He was released on bail today and isn't allowed to contact me directly or indirectly... his court date is in two weeks.

Excellent news. What does "indirectly" mean?

I agree w the police stuff. Unfortunately I can't see another way out. Is he medicated or stable? Maybe then you could talk to him. But otherwise the police might be the only way to deal w it to protect yourself.

Per Lady's latest update,


So no point in talking to him. Also, the behavior was really bad and not excusable by not being medicated. If a person does that in an unmedicated state, chances are that he won't be that much better while medicated, because medications, while often helpful, are not miracles. Unless he was delusional and voices all of that but it does not seem to be the case. It seems that he knew what he was doing. So wasting time on talking to him would not lead anywhere. In my opinion.

I didn't see that. Police seems the only route.

I'm not 100% what "indirect" entails, but I know that he can't talk to my roommate, for example, to give her a message for me. If he violates the no contact rule then I can call the police again and put him back in jail. And I do know that the terms of his bail was that he had to get on medication and a few other things, like go to counseling, etc.

That makes sense. Enjoy a peaceful weekend now. Job well done, protecting yourself.

Go to a magistrate and get a pfa out against
Him. If he violates it in any way he goes to
Jail. Pfa is a protection from abuse order
And if he violates it in any way even calling
You or stooping by to see u he goes to
Jail when the police show up. Hope it helps
You and good luck.

keep all the threats and document every time it happens, yes contact the police then he will know if he does do anything he will be in HUGE trouble with the law! and you can file against him in civil court too! but you must document everything, and stay away from him!

I got some court papers in the mail... he was charged with two offenses, each with a sentence of up to 1 year and/or $3000 fine. Does that mean he could get up to 2 years with a $6000 fine?
It also said that I may or may not have to appear in court, but he already 'confessed' so do you think I'm off the hook? I'm not very interested in going to court.

You need to call the court and ask.

Maybe you can sign a written declaration instead of appearing in court in person. But you need to find out.

you will haveto contact the court to find out but i think he can face up to 2 years and a $6000 fine. good luck.

If it's two charges, each for 1 year and $3000, the maximum sentence is 2 years and $6000. It's like if someone is convicted of 2 counts of homicide...the maximum is life, and thus for two convictions at maximum sentencing, you have people serving consecutive life sentences. Just to draw the analogy.

Lady...This is so disturbing. I went thru a similar exp with an alcoholic/addict. He wasn't computer savvy and no pictures were involved, but he was very persistent in harassing me. In my case, he turned dangerous, breaking into my house with a gun and trying to shoot me, which ended with a standoff with several cop cars in the neighbor's driveway. This fella you describe sounds equally unbalanced. I mean, really!...he thinks he can threaten you into resuming your relationship..out of fear! I seriously recommend you put all evidence, however vague it may sound to you, on a flashdrive and go to the police...SOON!
If you get no support from the police, call the local court system. Our courts have personnel devoted exclusively to cyber safety (and this is a fairly rural county). They have even come to my classroom and talked to the students up close and personal about such issues.

Like you, I wanted my bad situation to end quietly. It didn't. Stalkers are all about control, you know. The boy you are describing isn't reasonable or rational. You are rational, and you are hoping rational thinking will eventually reason with him. It won't!

Lady...please keep us updated on how you are doing regarding your ex-boyfriend.

Hey everyone so far I haven't heard anything from him, but I have looked at his facebook page and he isn't in jail yet. I'm calling the court tomorrow or wednesday to see where the case is going. The things he is posting on facebook scare me. He doesn't mention me directly but I know it's me he's talking about. The most recent post said "I'm not finished with you yet. I'll be coming soon."
Right now I'm living staying with my parents for the summer and he doesn't know where I live... but I'm still terrified of him. I've been having nightmares almost every night for about 3 weeks straight now. They're all about him. I don't know what to do to make this fear go away. Any advice would be great right now.

Thank you for letting us know you are okay. I am glad you are with your parents at this time, but please do not let your guard down because you think he can't find you. Obsessed stalkers have a way of finding people.
It's what they do.

So my fear of him showing up at my work wasn't that irrational after all...?

If he knows where you work , then he could show up, if so dial 911.

"Try" to just go about your life, work , see your friends etc , Just be aware of
your surroundings like everyone should be.

I don't think he knows where I work.