[roseblossom]

I know this may sound a silly thing to ask, but I want to ask what do people think of a woman with a large tummy & loose skin? Would it be a definite no to having a relationship?

[Leed]

Good heavens. What does that have to do with anything? It's not what your "tummy" looks like. It's what YOU are like. Its about your personality, your morals, your ethics, your beliefs, all those things -- your tummy has nothing to do with it. At least any guy with any kind of decent upbringing wouldn't think it made any difference.

God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[roseblossom]

I'd love to think that I could meet someone who shared those thoughts. However, my experiences so far with men - and also the view of my own father - has been that a woman's appearance is a key reason that they would be drawn to having a relationship with her and something that they would find offputting if a woman is out of shape.

Exactly what Leed says! I'd like to add tho, that if someone with a large tummy has a real hang-up about it, and it effects their confidence too much (lets face it, we all want to be a little thinner, taller, prettier or change something) then the lack of confidence can turn men off.

Most men I've known have liked women for their personalities and sense of fun and the one and only man I ever dated who made a comment about the size of my bum and how he wanted me to lose weight got dumped a couple of days later. Shallow men I can't do!! It's my body and the only person I will lose weight for is me.

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I'd love to think that I could meet someone who shared those thoughts. However, my experiences so far with men - and also the view of my own father - has been that a woman's appearance is a key reason that they would be drawn to having a relationship with her and something that they would find offputting if a woman is out of shape.

Then, without sounding harsh, I think you're looking in the wrong places!! I've asked men this for years and having a spare tyre isn't so bad. Men do seem to like a woman who is confident, and looks after herself tho, nice hair, nails etc. You're in the UK, there are a ton of overweight women - and men for that matter and are all of them single? No! By your dad's reasoning anyone plump would be single and only skinny minnies would date and that's simply not true.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Exactly what Leed says! I'd like to add tho, that if someone with a large tummy has a real hang-up about it, and it effects their confidence too much (lets face it, we all want to be a little thinner, taller, prettier or change something) then the lack of confidence can turn men off.

Most men I've known have liked women for their personalities and sense of fun and the one and only man I ever dated who made a comment about the size of my bum and how he wanted me to lose weight got dumped a couple of days later. Shallow men I can't do!! It's my body and the only person I will lose weight for is me.

I'm not too sure what to do about lack of confidence - I suppose I thought that if someone accepted the way I looked then that would give me a confidence boost, but actually it might not because deep down I am turned off myself by my appearance and extremely self-conscious. When I look in the mirror I struggle to accept that its me.

[kaliope]

i am a large woman who has been fat all my life. my mother brain washed me to believe that no man would ever want me because of my size so i believe that and never go out even tho i am now i size 16 and feel i look good. i have a friend who is on the large side who has men all the time. she is confident in her looks. it is all about your self confidence, not size.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Then, without sounding harsh, I think you're looking in the wrong places!! I've asked men this for years and having a spare tyre isn't so bad. Men do seem to like a woman who is confident, and looks after herself tho, nice hair, nails etc. You're in the UK, there are a ton of overweight women - and men for that matter and are all of them single? No! By your dad's reasoning anyone plump would be single and only skinny minnies would date and that's simply not true.

I haven't looked very much - I've felt quite a lot of shame over my appearance so haven't wanted to court rejection. I hear what you are saying about the confidence and grooming.

Regarding my dad - he is in a relationship with a woman who has just turned 30 - he is 66. When I spoke to him in the past about how uncomfortable I felt about him dating such young women, he told me that I should be pleased for him and that he likes their youthful skin (which I found difficult to hear).

I think by your admission that that may contributing to why you're not having good experiences with men. And in all honesty, yes a man may give you a confidence boost but as you said, it won't work long term. We also shouldn't rely on someone for our own happiness, it can mean that we are a zillion times worse if they let us down and it is unfair to them anyway.

Have you ever thought of cognitive therapy? It can be excellent. I had a couple of sessions a few years ago as I had some serious anger against the NHS due to misdiagnosis, and its fab to get out of a negative thinking pattern. My other half had 6 sessions a few months ago about some of his negativity towards others and mostly himself and he's so much happier with himself. Worth going to the doc? My partner's treatment was free on the NHS, but they only offer 6 sessions initially and then give you more, or group therapy later on, tho there is a long waiting list. I do recommend it, it can be life changing.

Originally Posted by roseblossom

he told me that I should be pleased for him and that he likes their youthful skin (which I found difficult to hear).

Ok, I am with you there, that would freak me out if I heard my dad say that too!! But you should ask yourself how he gets such a young woman. I bet its down to confidence (or money) and not his looks.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I think by your admission that that may contributing to why you're not having good experiences with men. And in all honesty, yes a man may give you a confidence boost but as you said, it won't work long term. We also shouldn't rely on someone for our own happiness, it can mean that we are a zillion times worse if they let us down and it is unfair to them anyway.

Have you ever thought of cognitive therapy? It can be excellent. I had a couple of sessions a few years ago as I had some serious anger against the NHS due to misdiagnosis, and its fab to get out of a negative thinking pattern. My other half had 6 sessions a few months ago about some of his negativity towards others and mostly himself and he's so much happier with himself. Worth going to the doc? My partner's treatment was free on the NHS, but they only offer 6 sessions initially and then give you more, or group therapy later on, tho there is a long waiting list. I do recommend it, it can be life changing.

I think what you've said about not relying on someone for our own happiness is something I definitely need to remember.

I didn't realise that I could have cbt for something like this because I suppose I see it as something that would need a physical solution - I'm not sure how I would broach the subject with my GP. Actually I have been trying to lose weight and uppermost in my mind was the issue of worsening skin and whether I could have surgery in the future.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Ok, I am with you there, that would freak me out if I heard my dad say that too!! But you should ask yourself how he gets such a young woman. I bet its down to confidence (or money) and not his looks.

Yes, I think its down to money, which he is quite controlling with and I suppose confidence too in that he can be very charming towards people.

Good on you for losing some weight! Congrats, its not easy. And yes, I think that the NHS will remove loose skin when you've finished dieting but I think you have to convince them that its making you dreadfully unhappy which am sure everyone could do in your situation.

And yes, you could have CBT. Forgive me for saying, but I do not think all of your confidence issues is down to your weight, I think your father may have something to do with it too from your other post. I think CBT may just help you as they also work through some of your family history etc. I think if you explain it to the doc that you have very low confidence and it's stopping you doing things (put it on thick if you need to) then if the GP is good, they will recommend you. My partner went because his unhappiness meant it was effecting his memory and also his ability to take anything in. People could speak to him one to one and his mind was always elsewhere, even if really important. 2 seconds later he had no idea what they just said. The doc did some basic memory tests and then put him on the waiting list, no probs. I was put on the list because I broke down in a GP's surgery as was hopping mad and it made me cry (I always cry when mad, its maddening!!).

Hugs

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I'd love to think that I could meet someone who shared those thoughts. However, my experiences so far with men - and also the view of my own father - has been that a woman's appearance is a key reason that they would be drawn to having a relationship with her and something that they would find offputting if a woman is out of shape.

I have a stepbrother with that outlook on women. Need to be skinny, even being a healthy weight, as a teenager, he would call me fat. And fat, I was not. ((yeah...that was some serious self esteem issues I needed to work through...I digress))

Point being. He has been unable to maintain a steady relationship. Can't hardly hold a steady job, nor a steady home. Runs back to his mommy non-stop. He's reaching 40.

So, of course, a woman ((or even a man)) with a bit of a tummy, and some flesh, CAN be LOVEABLE!!

We are designed to be loved by the heart that was made to love us.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

But you should ask yourself how he gets such a young woman. I bet its down to confidence (or money) and not his looks.

And certainly not his charming personality!

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I know this may sound a silly thing to ask, but I want to ask what do people think of a woman with a large tummy & loose skin? Would it be a definite no to having a relationship?

Hi roseblossom.
Im sorry your dad put that in your head. Speaking as a woman who has that tummy, I can tell you that Ive never had a problem finding a man. Ive been told that its my confidence & the way I carry myself. If I were single, I, personally, wouldnt have any problem being in a relationship with a plus size person. As long as they can carry a good conversation & make me laugh, they dont need to look like some model.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by thunderbear

Ive been told that its my confidence & the way I carry myself.

I think that how you carry yourself is very important. I find (not in a sexual way as I am straight but just by way of appreciating female beauty and sensuality) that the most attractive women, for me, are those with a narrow waistline and broad hips, but the ratio itself does not cut it - some women with this ratio carry themselves with extraordinary grace (happens more frequently among East Indian women than among white women) and others do not.

I also think that these two things - confidence and how you carry yourself - are interrelated. Woman with more confidence are comfortable in their bodies and carry themselves with more grace as a consequence.

Women get judged so harshly....weight, shape, clothes, hair...and in this case we are talking about by men. Um, most men I see around me are not Adonis. And a lot of them have extra weight around their midsection. Some are losing their hair, some are super hairy, some are really short, etc...but in general they are not judged like women are, AND they seem to need their very own Victoria Secret model.

What truly matters is your connection with someone and things like personality and sense of humor and can you depend on them and can they really listen to you and understand you. Someone who is not "perfect" physically can become amazingly attractive in an instant if they have that certain something and the two of you connect!

[roseblossom]

Thanks very much to everyone who has replied. However, one thing I am noticing is that the replies all seem to be from women - and I wonder if that means not many men visit here or if they are being silent on this issue because they might have a different take on this??

Also, I realise that lots of women do have something of a tummy and I think is normal after having a child, but I would say mine is on a bit more of a severe drooping scale. I suppose I'm just having trouble getting my head round this - that anyone could find me attractive. I'm conscious that I might want reassurance but at the same time I seem to have a belief that's become quite stuck over my appearance that its defective in some ways.

I know this is likely linked with having a dad who is so concious and critical of different body shapes, so I can see why its there - but I'm not sure how to get out of this 'poor me' 'I hate the way I look' 'I won't be able to change it' 'I look ugly' way of thinking.

Perhaps it really only would be through some kind of psychological help.

[HealingTimes]

Rose- do you have any kind of therapy at the moment? I think i remember you saying (on the New Member Intro board) that you have an overeating problem?
I really think that therapy would benefit you greatly.
I have had a major problem with various eating problems, and more recently a mix of Bulimia and Overeating/binge eating. But not only has the therapy that i attend helped me with the physical act of using food as a coping mechanism, it has also really improved my body image issues.
I too had an idea that 'I am only beautiful and acceptable if i am skinny' mindset, and while i am not totally out of that yet, i am getting there.
Maybe you could benefit too?

That's true. Perhaps start up another thread aimed at men, and ask them what qualities they like in a woman?

I think that you also should go easier on yourself. First of all, you're losing weight. That on it's own you should be proud of! And perhaps when you reach, I don't know, every half a stone or something you should treat yourself. A haircut, a facial, doing nails or something. Congratulate yourself and reward yourself? I bet it will make you feel better.

Then, when you look in the mirror and hate what you see, try and look for a good point there too. Say things like "yes, my bum is big, but its getting smaller. But look, I have pretty eyes" or hair, or face, or anything. Keep telling yourself that you are not just your weight - a lot more makes an person than just their weight. If you are kind and nice to people, celebrate that too! Please start looking at the good bits not just the bad bits as I bet there are plenty of them.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Rose- do you have any kind of therapy at the moment? I think i remember you saying (on the New Member Intro board) that you have an overeating problem?
I really think that therapy would benefit you greatly.
I have had a major problem with various eating problems, and more recently a mix of Bulimia and Overeating/binge eating. But not only has the therapy that i attend helped me with the physical act of using food as a coping mechanism, it has also really improved my body image issues.
I too had an idea that 'I am only beautiful and acceptable if i am skinny' mindset, and while i am not totally out of that yet, i am getting there.
Maybe you could benefit too?

I wish I could get therapy but I have been asking for it for about two years and my community nurse keeps telling me at different times that it isn't available - either there aren't any vacancies or the psychologist is away. My doctor won't refer me to the NHS Time to Talk scheme because I am with a community nurse - but she is of practically zero help - in fact I am probably going to discharge myself. In the past when I spoke to her she asked me why I couldnt' talk to her - I feel as if its more about me helping her to feel as if she might be helping, rather than anything at all constructive that will enable me to move forward.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

"We are designed to be loved by the heart that was made to love us."

Just want to say that this sentence is so beautiful.

Thanks for this thread Roseblossom. Replies are all excellent reading.

[maara]

I think I would not (I'm a girl) and it's not because of the way they look but rather their personalities. I know a few big women and they all are so angry, bossy and hateful that I find it difficult to have a friendly or any kind of relationship with them. They have so many self-esteem issues and in general, I don't like their company.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by maara

I think I would not (I'm a girl) and it's not because of the way they look but rather their personalities. I know a few big women and they all are so angry, bossy and hateful that I find it difficult to have a friendly or any kind of relationship with them. They have so many self-esteem issues and in general, I don't like their company.

You are yet to luck out on kind, fun, gregarious, charming obese women. One of the two midwives who attended the birth of my youngest child is like that.

She is married, has adult children, sings in her church's choir, is still practicing... and, will turn eighty !!!!! In three weeks.

She also is incredibly agile, despite all that extra fat everywhere.