Ok, someone opine on this please

Last night I lost my cool. I did not hurt anyone but I did let my frustrations out by slamming around a few kitchen objects (none of which were sharp or dangerous).

What lead to this was both my husband and daughter had been getting on my nerves for most of the day. He had a particularly negative attitude toward pretty much everything yesterday. My daughter was being a typical 14 year old with a sullen attitude. She rolled her eyes at me when I confronted her about eating from a bag of chips that I had specifically told her was mine and off limits. What really got my goat was that she waited until I was out walking the dog to attack the bag of chips so the sneakiness combined with the eye roll in response to my confronting her really pissed me off. The final straw came when my husband got pissy about a cup that he likes to use having been left in the dishwasher.
It was at that point that I lost it and took my frustration out on the dishes and pans on the kitchen counter top. Nothing went flying through the air and nobody was in any danger of anything. It was just me venting on some innocent dishes. I said nothing to no one and walked out to the balcony to cool off. My husband followed saying "Can you stop slamming things around?" To which I responded "No, better to take out my frustration on things than on people!" And he replied "Really?" and did so with the intonation of voice that suggests the person is mocking you. I then told him "Yes, really. I do have my limits" from there I explained that I had had enough of the negativity between he and my daughter. I also explained that it is better to just leave me be when I'm angry. I will get over it but if you follow me it will only get worse from there.
Well, here we are at the start of another new day and he is speaking to me but I can tell he is not over my outburst from last night.

Am I not entitled to have my feelings as well as everyone else? I feel like both my husband and daughter fail to realize that I am also capable of feeling anger or frustration. I get the impression from both that because I (most of the time) appear to be on an even keel, that it just blows them away when they see that I am capable of anger as well as them. It's like they have some unrealistic picture of me in their heads and when I do or say something that doesn't match the picture, they look at me like I've lost my mind. Hell, I don't share half of what goes on in my head because it would either be inappropriate (with daughter) or glossed over (with husband). Most of the time I can deal with minor annoyances and frustration but, like anyone else, every now and again I reach my limits and express that. Why is that so damned hard to understand? God knows I've seen the both of them have outbursts and I patiently waited for them to regain their calm without belittling their expression of their anger/frustration. What the hell?

I think you should tell him what you've written down here.... Tell him that you also feel undervalued - it's not good to mock you when you've reached the point that you did, nor is it ok to for him to moan about his fav mug, esp as he is more than capable to get it out of the dishwasher himself. You've one child - not two, and his little foible, although nice to indulge him when you can, is not your responsibility and nor should it be!

And as for your daughter, please set some punishment, she needs to know who is 'boss'. I know it's only a bag of chips, but she still took the mickey. She needs to understand that this isn't ok. If you give her an allowance, at least minus the cost of the chips so you can replace them or send her out to buy some more tonight. I am one of 4 kids, and we would not have dared take food without permission from mum - she went loopy if we did that.

Ahhh.... families. Who'd have em huh?!

Hugs.

I think verbally expressing feelings of anger and frustration when they arise and being specific about them helps me so things don't get to the overflow point where it looks like "everything" is wrong.

I would not worry about how husband and daughter think about your anger; it's yours and yes, you have the right to express it as seems best to you. But if you worry about their thoughts/feelings on your thoughts/feelings you get into a never-ending cycle of upset? I work to understand and verbally express my feelings when I am feeling them, as clearly as I can and use them to figure out how I want to act. My feelings are never about other people, they're mine and I love them

Yellowfrog, can you talk to your husband about how his negative attitude affects you? It's tough to stay positive when surrounded by negativity. Good for you for pointing out you needed some space to cool off when he followed you onto the balcony.

As for your daughter and the chips, she needs to have some consequence for what she did. I like the idea of making her pay for a new bag of chips. You could also enforce a "no snacks" consequence for a week.

On the flip side of all of this, I'm wondering if there is any history of physical violence in the house? I used to be scared out of my wits when hubby started slamming things around because it often escalated.

Nope. No physical violence in our home. In fact, very much the opposite. Each for their own reason, us three don't really express too much in the way of emotions to one another. When meltdowns do happen (they are few and far between) each person involved usually goes to their own corner to cool off. Yesterday my husband didn't do that and it just wasn't the right thing to do.

I have so many thoughts after reading your post. I'll try to keep this short. Bottom line, yes you have the right to be angry and to let the feelings out. It is healthy for you to do so. It also sounds like you were pushed way past a reasonable limit.

On the other hand....

My husband yells and swerts and crashed things around when he is angry. I hate it. I feel frightened that he will break something important to me or expensive to replace. I also have a tendency to take my emotions from other people. Him being so angry makes me anxious. Meanwhile, after he rants and raves for a few minutes he is alright. I am still upset. Maybe your family feels a little the same.

I often feel anger. I try to keep a lid on my emotions and let things pass. Occasionally I will say something in an angry way or act in a way other people think is rude. I always get in trouble for it. People act like I am not allowed to get angry and it make me furious. I see other people yelling, being mean, bullying and acting childish and nothing happens to them. Why do I have to be so perfect? So, I totally understand how you are feeling. If I find and answer I'll let you know. I hope you will do the same.

You are entitled to your feelings, but I do think it's worth questioning whether they're proportionate - so your teenager ate your chips, is it really the end of the world?

I think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself: will you still be thinking about this in a year, or a month, or even next week?

I don't care about missing the opportunity to enjoy a snack, what I do care about is her response to having been caught doing it. That I-don't-really-care attitude is something she shows often and it worries me and will into the future.

An entire day's worth of negativity is what led up to this. It's kinda like having someone aggravating you all day long until finally at the end of the day you cannot take anymore and tell them off. Well, instead of arguing and screaming, I chose to take out my frustrations on inanimate objects and then left to cool off by myself. If hubby hadn't followed me out to the balcony I would have calmed down and that would have been the end of it. The problem was made worse by the conversation that ensued on the balcony.
Not a good idea to marginalize someone else's feelings even if you do think they are off the mark and that is just what he did. Hopefully it's not an issue we will revisit again in the future.

Losing your cool isn't cool. It happens to all of us occasionally and doesn't make you a bad person or anything, but I hope you now understand that was the wrong way to handle the situation. You have to expect that the people around you may not just get over it as quickly as you like. They may not be blameless but you are the one who lost control. Hopefully, you have apologized and they will get over it soon enough. The important thing is to try to handle the situation in a more productive fashion next time.

I find when I easily lose my cool over these kinds of things that its a direct reflection of how little I am doing for myself. When I want their "gold stars" I stop earning them from myself. They are conditioned to depend on us and look to us to the ones to let it go.

If I were in your shoes I would make my daughter replace the chips out of her own money and finding a way to get them and remind hubby how easy it is to change the energy of a room to negative by being pissy. I feed off my husbands energy too and it took a while to show him that if he tempers himself I follow his lead, if he loses his patience, I also follow his lead.

High Treason,

The more productive fashion I think you are referring to didn't work. Hadn't worked all day.

As for apologies, I haven't made them and don't intend to. I have the right to express my anger and did so in a way in which no one was harmed. My daughter did not witness anything (she was in her room with ear buds in and music on) and hubby is a grown man with a history of being in the military and the police force. He's not as delicate as all that. As for the verbal exchange with hubby, he would not have experienced more of my foul mood had he not marginalized my feelings at the time.
I believe everyone has their limits and when you push them beyond that you should expect a negative reaction. I am in fact proud of the fact that I chose to walk to the balcony to cool off instead of really letting loose on the dishes. Just wish he hadn't followed me out there.

You don't fix that by getting angry, though. You fix that by enforcing appropriate consequences.

And remember she's a teenager, they often seem like that!

Yes, there will be consequences. On that day, my anger was not meant to be the way by which I correct the situation. Her actions were simply one more straw breaking this particular camel's back. And I think she realized that because she did make an apology later on. I think it's ok for kids to know that sometimes their actions do cause other people anger. As well, not everyone remains perfectly buttoned up and in perfect control. Sometimes, people loose it a bit. It is human and no point in trying to give a false impression that I or anyone else can remain perfectly in control all the time. So long as there is no threat of violence of course which there wasn't. She wasn't even in the room at the time but later she saw my face and knew her mistake was one of several things gone wrong on that day and she did apologize.

You know, I'm glad you said this because it is true with me to a certain extent. I've had days where I wake up feeling bright and optimistic and hubby's foul mood can damper that. I won't go so far as to say he dictates my moods but he definitely has an effect on them. I don't have a social circle and a lot of my day is spent with he and I in the same small space so I guess it makes sense. Also, he is my closest friend and so I care deeply about his feeling states. Perhaps a bit too much but then again, human relations and boundaries are tough for me in general.

I have days like this too, where I feel discounted and invalidated where it pertains to how I'm feeling, especially if it's anger or frustration. It can be even more frustrating when those around us can see us reaching our boiling point and seem to want to "needle" us even more. Not fun, no doubt!

I agree, hubby shouldn't have followed you onto the balcony. I know my family has difficulty respecting my boundaries. I actually had to sit hubby down and say "My shower is my time. Standing in the bathroom while I am showering isn't okay with me." I was flabbergasted that I actually had to say this, but telling him that directly finally made it clear that hey, sometimes, she needs her space. As far as going to the bathroom in peace, oy. Neva eva happens.

Make sure you're taking care of you. My new favorite saying is "Mommy needs a timeout."

LostButFound,

I've always taught my daughter that she can call for a time out whenever she feels overwhelmed, angry, or frustrated and we will respect that. All people have their limits and better to go to separate corners to cool out rather than staying in the situation. She also understands the concept of needing space and peace and quiet. Very important no matter what age.
Glad you get your "mommy time"

Oh absolutely. All this science and research says we are social "animals" but forgets to mention that each and every one of us needs time to ourselves. It's one of the many ways we process thoughts, feelings and even just have an "ah peace and quiet" moment. I'm trying to instill that in the boys and welllll... They aren't quite there yet, but they're still quite little. Hope your week is going better.

#1 - love your username - #2 - I completely can relate to the situation.

I have 2 boys - 13 and 16 - and a husband that all too often does not respect personal space or time of any of us - so you are really lucky that yours tend to respect that!

The attitudes of teens! I understand 100%, it was not the absence of the chips - but the surrounding crap, and the attitude.

Years of remaining calm and positive - when all life has stressors is hard to maintain after so long. It has only been the past few years that I have shown that I am human too, and get pissed off - when I am overwhelmed by too much, for too long. I can relate to the others in the home being shocked - and even felt guilty. Not about banging crap around only, but even crying.

Everyone has their limits, and everyone - as long as not hurting others - has rights to their own expressions and should not bottle it up. Its how the world goes round.

#3 Love your picture too - I got to go and find a green one for me to use!!!!!