I cannot get my head wrapped around things. I have made terrible mistakes. I had emotional affairs in a never ending search for approval and acceptance.
I looked at porn as an escape from my emptiness and unhappiness.

And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what strides I make, no matter how much I admit to, my ex just can't let it be what it is.
I am going to get our daughter for a week and she is upset that she will be away from her for the week.

I have offered time and time again to get marriage counseling. I have admitted to my mistakes. My entire world has been turned upside down because of my mistakes and my stupidity.

And what do I get from her? More of the same...."YOU did this and YOU did that...YOU destroyed our marriage...all I ever wanted was a happy home etc etc and YOU destroyed it all because YOU wouldn't go get the help you needed."

I seriously wish I never had to hear her voice again. I never thought I would be in the place where I am actually beginning to despise her very existance.

But that is not who I am. And anymore I am just a broken man who sits in his little apartment and works every day to figure out how the hell I let my life get so out of control.

It's time for me to go pick up our daughter and the dog. I just don't even want to see her face. I am SO tired of this!

[davmid]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

But that is not who I am. And anymore I am just a broken man who sits in his little apartment and works every day to figure out how the hell I let my life get so out of control.

I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. I feel many of the same pains that you do. ((((((SpiritOfAStorm))))))

[Jannaku]

So sad to hear that she has obviously not accepted the situation and moved on and is so bitter that she can't refrain from hurting you. She is playing the victim and blaming YOU. This seems to be her bitter and twisted way of coping with the situation. I'm concerned to think that she may speak like this to your daughter as well. Try to have as minimal verbal communication as possible so as not to give her the opportunity to fire her hurtful words at you until such time as she moves on to the next phase of acceptance and forgiveness. Whatever you do don't let this get under your skin and feel happy and comfortable with your life's choices and decisions. I am sure this will eventually change as she moves along in her life. She is effectively unraveling you with her words so please just process them, acknowledge them, feel them and then move on from them. All the best.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

I cannot get my head wrapped around things. I have made terrible mistakes. I had emotional affairs in a never ending search for approval and acceptance.
I looked at porn as an escape from my emptiness and unhappiness.

And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what strides I make, no matter how much I admit to, my ex just can't let it be what it is.
I am going to get our daughter for a week and she is upset that she will be away from her for the week.

I have offered time and time again to get marriage counseling. I have admitted to my mistakes. My entire world has been turned upside down because of my mistakes and my stupidity.

And what do I get from her? More of the same...."YOU did this and YOU did that...YOU destroyed our marriage...all I ever wanted was a happy home etc etc and YOU destroyed it all because YOU wouldn't go get the help you needed."

I seriously wish I never had to hear her voice again. I never thought I would be in the place where I am actually beginning to despise her very existance.

But that is not who I am. And anymore I am just a broken man who sits in his little apartment and works every day to figure out how the hell I let my life get so out of control.

It's time for me to go pick up our daughter and the dog. I just don't even want to see her face. I am SO tired of this!

Divorce has many consequences beyond the fact that finances, households, and time with the children get split up.

One of the usual consequence of a divorce is finality.

You and your ex wife are divorced.

So, there was finality. There was a thing called "judgment" (a pretty serious word) that was entered into a court docket at some point. The judgment dissolved the marriage.

As a corollary to that, you ex wife does not get to pick on you anymore - you are done. If she has issues, she can journal, talk to a therapist, or do any number of other things that do not involve you.

You say that you are a broken man. It does not appear to be the case. It appears that you are troubled, sad, riddled with guilt, and other such things (which are fairly normal, anyway), but not broken.

She is broken, as in "a broken record". She got stuck on repeating the same line to you again and again. So - a broken record she is.

You are offering marriage counseling - you do not need it since you are not married. If you could get coparenting counseling, that could help. If she won't agree, just tell her:

"I do not want to hear anything from you unless it is related to the logistics of the exchange of the daughter. Period. I am done with you. You are my closed bank account - I paid up, and the account got closed. I do not owe anything. I am done. You need to live your life to the best of your ability, and I will live my life to the best of my ability."

Also, Spiritofthestorm, you should kind of get your priorities straight. When you write about your grave mistakes, you write with such a deep feeling of remorse that I always think, reading your post, that you sure must be keeping a few corpses in your freezer (you know, one can get an industrial strength stand-alone freezer with shelves, and cut-up corpses can easily fit into it).

And then I learn that no, you do not have a few cut-up corpses in your freezer, you just watch porn. And I think to myself: "Is this guy in his right mind?"

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what strides I make, no matter how much I admit to, my ex just can't let it be what it is.

Sorry to state the obvious, but stop trying so hard. Quit talking about couples therapy, stop trying to make it up to her and sorry to say this, it's time to let your mistakes stay in the past. Just learn from them and move on, it doesn't sound like she wants to go to therapy or get back together any time soon.

Why? Because all you're doing is opening yourself up to more ear-bashing, pain and disappointment. She's obviously and correctly hurt, but it doesn't entitle her to keep being hurting you back forever more esp as it would be so much better for your daughter for you both to have a courteous relationship.

If it makes you feel better, apologise one more time and allow yourself to let some of the guilt and pain go. We make mistakes, we are human. Please don't let yourself be a broken man.. and try to look after yourself. You made mistakes sure, but it doesn't mean that your life should stay out of control. Please takes steps to make things better for yourself, and the first one is to forgive yourself.

Hugs

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

I cannot get my head wrapped around things. I have made terrible mistakes. I had emotional affairs in a never ending search for approval and acceptance.
I looked at porn as an escape from my emptiness and unhappiness.

And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what strides I make, no matter how much I admit to, my ex just can't let it be what it is.

OK, so... apparently, escaping from emptiness and unhappiness is a terrible thing.

Apparently, searching for approval and acceptance is also a terrible thing.

Well... is not her torturing you into being

"In Greek mythology Sisyphus (/ˈsɪsɪfəs/;[1] Greek: Σίσυφος, Sísyphos) was a king of Ephyra (now known as Corinth) punished for chronic deceitfulness by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever."

a worse thing?..

How come that you are so guilt-ridden and she is so righteous? Does not compute.

[barx]

Like a couple of posters already mentioned... you made some mistakes AND you've apologized for them. Also, it sounds like the more you reach out to her for her forgiveness and acceptance, the more she unleashes on you. I hope things change for you and that you forgive yourself. I haven't had that fortune. My husband's ex wife, has never let up on him (she has been relentless) and her demeaning, belittling, controlling attitude has not changed since they were divorced 14 yrs ago and it got worse when we married 12 yrs ago. Not only did her treatment of him get worse, but she started to treat me worse than him and she had never met me and to this day still refuses to have anything to do with me. In fact she is extremely malicious towards me. ... By the way, I was not the cause of their divorce. I met him a year later. She was cheating on him.

So my point is, I really hope that you don't have one of those types of people on your hands. My husband was shocked by how she treated me too. He/we had no idea what I was in for otherwise I would not have married him.

It's clear to me that your divorce wasn't enough to enable closure - your haunted by the memories and actions of your past. In short you haven't forgiven yourself. Constantly trying to seek her forgiveness will do nothing other than compound your guilt. You did what you did - it is done. Her feelings, no matter what and how they are put across, are her feelings. Let her be with them. You can leave her to her anger or share in it. It's really that simple. What is harder is how to build a new life. You have your beautiful daughter for starters, she should be priority. Focus on giving her and yourself the wonderful memories you deserve and one way or another, you will eventually find peace with what has happened. Just don't lose sight of what you have over what has been lost. You deserve better than that.

[A Red Panda]

Spirit: I'm jumping on the bandwagon that is telling you to stop beating yourself over your past mistakes.

I'm sure that when they happened you did your best to make amends. That wasn't enough FOR HER so there is not a divorce. That is a final decision, which means your relationship with her is over.

You need to keep in contact ONLY in regards to your daughter. There does not need to be ANY conversation between the two of you outside of "I'll be at your place at 5pm to pick up my daughter." When you arrive there to pick her up, you do not even have to speak with each other. But you need to enforce this and let her know that if the conversation can not be civil, that you are not going to take part. You also need to remind her that it is very important that each of you refrain from talking about each other when your daughter could even possibly over hear anything.