now, i have mixed feeligns right now. let me explain...

many of you will know about the hard times im having lately. what with work and home life going badly, and im trying to change it all.

firstly, my brother has decided to move out as a result of me confronting him about the sexual abuse he inflicted on me years ago. i told him i want him to move out (we both live at our family home with our dad) and he is finally going. he has found a place and is planning on moving out next weekend. so thats definately good, it means i can deal witht he abuse my own way and in my own time.

my work was going badly, until i hit a life changing point last week when i decided i will just hand my notice in and leave,a nd look for a new job for the new year. my plan is to leave at the end of november, then spend december searching for a job to start in january. so i am making positive changes int hat aspect of my life, definately. so thats good. it exites me so much, i think how my social life, love life etc will improve once i get a new job, especially as my brother is moving out of home, it gives me more chance to work on my social life comfortably without having to deal with the abuse topic so much.

but... in the last few days ive experienced something unexpected.
i have started talkign to a women in work who is 19 years old (the same age as me) and we get on really well. i really like her. i think she is very attractive and she has a great personality, something that i find so important as many of you will too. but now, instead of progressing and asking her out on a date, im full of fear. and doubt. i feel that she is too good for me and that she wont be interested in someone like me. because i have no social life, and no friends, i feel she will judge me ont his (nobody in work knwos just how bad it is, except a few who have since used it to hurt me, so i decide not to tell anyone.) i want to take it further, but i dont have the confidence. i dotn even think she likes me. but i do like her. when i think of her i get a strange feeling in my stomach and i know that if i get that feeling, its what i want.

but how do i approach her. how will i date her and allow her to know that i have no friends but expect her to accept it. she is the outgoing type, she goes clubbing (which im not interested in) and she has loads of friends (something i dont). so our lifestyles are so different and i know it will put her off. so what do i do...do i try and make somehting of it, or walk away. i mean, im leaving that job at teh end of next month as i said, but i dont know what will happen in the meantime. whatever happens im leaving. i wouldnt want to work with a partner anyway, i always think it will put stress ont he relationship.

another thing is that i dont yet drive, im going to be doing my test when i leave my job and have the time. so how can i expect her to travel to me all the time.

if we were to start dating, we wouldnt stay in. id love to start going out often to pubs and restuaraunts, i only dont do it now because i have no one to go with. hopefully that will change with my job.

i think, if i leave it a little while to go further with her (her names julie by the way) she will lose interest and once ive left my job she will forget me.

we dont knwo eachother well, only very recently have i started talking more to her. but i think shes gorgeous and i do really like her. but if i try to make it work now in the stage im at with my depression, what if she gets fed up and hurts me. i dont know if iwant that right now.

im so conflicted about it right now. 50% of me wants to make a go of it, but the rest just says "no, your not good enough, shes too good for you, you are not what she wants and you will only get hurt". what do i do.

if you can, can you put yourself in my situation and think about what you would do if you were me. i'd love to know what to do. or at least what other people will do.

thanks for the help everyone.

simon

[Liv28]

Simon..

I'd say take a chance..BUT with the mind set of not expecting too much up front. What I mean by this..is to maybe take things a little at a time..not to just dive right in and start dating her..maybe ask her out for coffee just as friends so you can get to know each other better..instead of the stress of an actual date..and you feeling that you might be shot down and rejected. Let her get to know the "REAL" Simon..the one that we all see here..and TRUST me, if this girl is smart..she won't let you get away!
As for her being outgoing and you not..some girls really like that..You just never know..and you won't know unless you take that chance and find out..but with every risk is the possability of hurt and rejection..yes, this is part of life and struggles..its sucks..but it is what sets us up and makes us stronger and better for when the right person comes along!
Simon..if you like this girl..then take that chance.. You just never know what might happen unless you do ask..and if you don't you might always wonder what might have been....(((HUGS)))) and good luck!

[BlueFaith]

(((( Simon )))))
I am putting myself in your shoes right now.... trying to think of what I'd do.

Like you, I was sexually abused, and it was hard for me to have a romantic relationship with anyone. Now, I'm married.

I used to think that everyone would hurt me, and that's why I don't have many friends now.

But, like I said, I'm married now, so something must have happened inside of me to want to go out with someone... and then even finally marry them.

I would muster up all the strength in myself and just ask her if she'd like to go out sometime. I know you are afraid of being hurt. But, you don't have to tell her about your abuse right off. It's something she won't know unless you tell her, right? And since she won't know then I don't see how she would be able to use that against you.

I know what it's like to be afraid of others. I'm still like that to some degree. But all she could say is no, right? Just start off slow.

Love, Jenn

[FaithisAlive]

Simon, I'm glad your brother has found a place of his own and I hope his departure will make it easier for your healing process. I also hope he will find the help he obviously needs too.. perpetrators are sick minded indivuals who need therapy too.

I know you are lonely and need companionship but you must try not to go into something with the negativity. Women can sense that sort of thing.... I say go with your instinct.

When the time is right.. maybe when you let on that you are leaving the company would be a good time to ask her for her phone number so you can keep in touch and then take it from there.

You need to believe in yourself a little more.. the measure of a man is not in the friends he has...and when a woman gets to know you for who you are she will care for you because of that.. not because of how many friends you have. .or if you drive or not.

And if this isn't the woman.. another one will come along one day and see you as we here at PC see you.... with loving eyes and hearts...

Hugs.. Faith.

[seeker1950]

Simon, you are such a sweetie, and so young! You are taking on an awful lot right now, leaving this job (which is a brave choice on your part), and also finding yourself attracted to this female. I think the suggestions here are good ones, to take it slow. Maybe just ask her out for coffee or lunch to get an idea of the interest on her part.
You lack confidence, and fear being hurt......we all do that!

Also, Simon, having read and responded to your previous posts, what kind of job are you doing now, and what kind of job do you think you'll find with this next venture. I agree you should find something you enjoy and look forward to each day. I hope you find it.

Are you working with a band of some sort right now? You have expressed your desire for music as a career. Fill me in on this, if you can. I am asking this, especially, because I watched the interview with Sting on Sunday Morning. I was most impressed by his biography, having been a teacher and made the decision in his early 20's to just make a go of it. I hope you too pursue your dream.
Patty

[Flinty]

Simon....

I believe that if this is someone you want to spend time with & get to know better, you need to make some kind of move....
Whether it's asking her out for a coffee or a movie. It may just be you spend some time with her on your lunch break if you can....

I have been in this position (sort of) only I was the one being asked out by a fellow work mate & I was similar to you, I had no self value or esteem & didn't think I deserved that person.
But in the end, the feeling in my stomach took control & after being hurt so many times before, I jumped in head first & he & I are still together today!

Love & relationships are never easy & many times we are made to feel uncomfortable..... but if you don't give it a shot how will you ever know!!

One step at a time.... coffee first... Tell her you find her intriging & was wondering if she'd like to grab a coffee with you sometime coz you'd like to spend more time with her.

In regards to your abuse history & the "current" status of your social life, I wouldn't bring these things up to begin with.
If you don't act on that feeling inside your stomach, it will eat away at you (trust me!!) just be true to your feelings & if she says no even to having a coffee with you, then she doesn't know what she's missing out on!

I've sent you a PM about this.
(((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))

Flinty

thank you for your helpful advice. i went to work today ready to speak to her and ready to ask her out for a coffee. only, when i walked up to her i overheard her and another coleague talking about someone else julie likes. and it wasnt me. so i had to stop in my tracks and turn and walk away. it was a short lived feeling, but im glad i felt it, shows i can still feel something for someone, even if it goes nowhere.

so thats that. i am abit upset it didnt even get going, but never mind, there will be more opportunities in the future.

i am annoyed aswel though. i did like her and after reading your posts on here, i was ready and confident to go talk to her today, but it was soon snatched away putting me back to the start.

thanks again

simon

[Perna]

Simon, have "fun"! You don't have to worry about whether you're going to marry the girl right now or not :-) Ask her out and see what happens. You all may not hit it off (she may want to do mostly clubing which you don't, for example) or you might hit it off well in which case there will be the two of you to think about how to manage a relationship. But right now, like Flinty says, just go get a cup of coffee or something. It doesn't matter if she "likes" someone else at the moment, unless you were part of the conversation you don't know if it's "like" as in the way you like her or more real or whatever. That's what you get to discuss over coffee, whether she's seeing anyone steady, does she want to go out on a "real"/evening date, that you don't have a car/can't drive, does she? etc.

from the start, i told myself not to look too much into it and not to think about it too much, which is what ive done. im not expecting anything long-term, like marriage or anyhting...ive taught myself not to do that. so ive never expected too much, or thought about long term things. just the here and now.

i will kepp trying, i mean, i said those things earlier when i was feeling abit gutted, i meant them, but i have thought longer about it now and realised not to let it slip past so easily. im not in work until monday now so i cant do anyhting until then.

im going to speak to rach (the friend julie was talking to, that i overheard) and i will talk to her about how i feel about julie and see what she says. me and rach are good friends so i know i can talk to her about it. see what happens from then.

but im certainly not looking too far ahead. i didnt mean for it to come across that way.

i will keep you all informed, and over the weekend i will build up my confidence, so wish me luck hehe...

simon

[arod13]

simon---- i think you should go for it when i was 19 i was into clubbing and the bar seen and had a lot of friends i wouldn't have minded having a boyfriend who stays in people have recently told me that i am very intimidating guys would not ask me out because they were afraid of rejection or i wouldn't be interested in them or that i am to good for them when all along i wanted them to ask me out but because of my fear of rejection i guess i projected a vibe that said keep away from so i would say go for it you never know what the outcome maybe!

Simon, I agree with someone's post who said you have a natural reason to tell her you would like to keep in touch with her since you are leaving the job. Ask for her phone # or e-mail address & maybe just talk on the phone or e-mail & see what kind of "vibes" you get from her. Is she having good converstions with you or is she abrupt or always "busy." Does she return your e-mails? Those questions can help you determine whether she is interested at all. If she seems to be then ask her out for coffee or to a movie where you will have something to talk about afterwards. Ask her about what is going on at your old job. You have that in common. I think this way you can try to get to know her better, but not feel totally rejected if she doesn't respond. You won't feel humiliated, which you might if asking her out on a date right off the bat. I agree with the others, you have a lot to offer so keep in mind that there are a lot of "fish in the sea" & you have plenty of time to meet someone special. My son didn't really start dating until he was 27 & he is now with a wonderful girl. My brother didn't marry until he was 40 & he is very happy. Keep pursuing your interests & passions. You may meet someone who shares that passion. My brother met his future wife at a contra dance! Take care.--Suzy

suzy - we do have good conversations yes. we kind of flirt, mostly me flirting, but it does happen. we do get on well so i think i will ask her for her number and see where it goes from there.

i have no intention to rush into anything, i still want to keep my main focus on my singing and my music, that is my biggest and best love so i cannot abandon that. but i will build a friendship with julie and see where it goes from there, let nature take its own course.

thank you for your support everyone, i do really appreciate it. it helps to have a place such as PC to turn to for advice, it helps me out of so many confusing situations i get in because i am able to look at the big picture and have the advice from so many intellegent people.

speak soon

simon