[UniversalTruth]

I want to understand what is going on with my husband. I want to make sense of it so that it doesn’t hurt me anymore and I can see clearly enough to make a good decision. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I am not sure if I want one or not… each passing day I am less confident in his abilities or desires to be a good father and husband – what he calls a “family man.”
We have 2 children – toddler and baby. They are in preschool and daycare full time. I work around 50 hours a week at a high stress / status job. He works around 34 hours a week at a low stress / not a lot of responsibility or pressure kind of job (he told me he doesn’t want responsibility at work). I do all the chores on my days off and am alone with the children most of the time. He has changed diapers maybe 50 times. He doesn’t even know where their clothes are. He is alone on his days off and his 1 chore is to take out the trash which he waits until it is overflowing for days before taking out. He cooks dinner maybe 70% of the time – not lately, though. I handle all other meals. I make significantly more money than him but we still need about ½ of what he makes to get by. All of my money goes to all of the bills and rent. He pays daycare and then whatever else he wants to buy. He does offer me money from time to time and buys groceries from time to time.
I will try to make a long story short.
Just before our 5th Anniversary a few months ago, he told me that he was over our relationship. He said that I am abusive. He told me that I needed to address my issues before he would even consider couple’s therapy. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course I don’t want him to feel that I am abusing him. So, I did a lot of soul searching. I realized I was filled with anger about a lot of things and that I overall was not happy. I went to see my Dr. and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I started medication and going to 2 support groups… one for Post Partum and another for CoDependency (my father was a physically and emotionally abusive drug addict). My husband criticized the medication I was taking as well as the groups I started attending. He has not asked me once how they are going – or expressed any positive reaction other than saying I don’t “fly off the handle anymore.” I admit that I am much happier. I have experienced a huge turn around in my overall personal level of happiness… I am able to enjoy little things again and love spending time with my children.
Even though I am happier, I still have a hard time appreciating my husband. He says he does not want a divorce but maybe a separation. He says that he loves me… but he needs time away because he wants to figure some things out, miss me and love me with his whole heart again. So, he started camping 4 days ago and has not been home since… except for a couple of hours to say hello to the children. He shared with me that he has been drunk each night he has been out and that he has had friends visit and camp with him. He also smokes a lot of marijuana – like constantly… to deal with anything and everything. This is all so hard for me to understand. It really seems to me like he doesn’t want the responsibilities he has signed up for – and he is trying to passively force my hand into divorcing him and making him a victim.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

It really seems to me like he doesn’t want the responsibilities he has signed up for – and he is trying to passively force my hand into divorcing him and making him a victim.

You are right.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

Of course I don’t want him to feel that I am abusing him. So, I did a lot of soul searching. I realized I was filled with anger about a lot of things and that I overall was not happy. I went to see my Dr. and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression.

So you have a guy who is exceedingly lazy, irresponsible, complains too much, and smokes too much pot (smoking pot is OK per se - it is that he smokes all the time instead of being productive that probably bothers you so much).

You never abused him, OK?

You were resentful. You do much more than your fair share, and you were therefore resentful. Postpartum depression and stress from working your high status work and having two small children exacerbated your resentment. You say that you were filled with anger. I personally doubt that. I think you were simply filled with justifiable resentment.

It does not seem worth pursuing reconciliation. You wrote:

"Even though I am happier, I still have a hard time appreciating my husband."

You are having a hard time appreciating your husband because OBJECTIVELY there is nothing to appreciate in him (unless there are redeeming qualities that you omitted from OP). No group therapy, support, and/or medication would make you appreciate him because OBJECTIVELY there is nothing to appreciate in him.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

He shared with me that he has been drunk each night he has been out and that he has had friends visit and camp with him. He also smokes a lot of marijuana – like constantly… to deal with anything and everything. This is all so hard for me to understand. It really seems to me like he doesn’t want the responsibilities he has signed up for – and he is trying to passively force my hand into divorcing him and making him a victim.

That he shares with you is good - that means that he trusts you and you and he are on good enough terms.

Capitalize on being on good enough terms with him! Just tell him calmly: "Dude, you are not keeping up your end of the bargain. You want to be drinking, camping, and smoking pot. This is fine in and of itself, but then you should do all of that living alone, on your own. And please do not tell me that I am making you a victim by telling you that you will be dismissed if things do not change for the better DRAMATICALLY within the next quarter. You said that you love me. You said that you want to camp in order to miss me and love me with your whole heart again. While all of this is cute and seems innocent, it is grossly insufficient. I do not need a guy who does not change diapers, does not work enough, does not (extend the list - I am sure you have enough to add) EVEN if he loves me with his whole heart. You can still love me with your whole heart - I do not mind - but you will have to live alone and love me from a distance. If you want to live with me, you need to (your list of chores etc.) You also should stop accusing me of abusing you. You have one quarter to make changes. Happy camping now."

[winter4me]

Yep. Sounds like he doesn't want responsibility at work or at home. Otherwise, he would be cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids to save on daycare, or working more and certainly not criticizing you. You could separate and then make a decision. Do a legal separation so that he Does have responsibilities...
I suspect you will feel even better away from him, given that you are feeling better having taken the energy to find and use support systems available to you, even while you are in this difficult relationship.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That he shares with you is good - that means that he trusts you and you and he are on good enough terms.

Capitalize on being on good enough terms with him! Just tell him calmly: "Dude, you are not keeping up your end of the bargain. You want to be drinking, camping, and smoking pot. This is fine in and of itself, but then you should do all of that living alone, on your own. And please do not tell me that I am making you a victim by telling you that you will be dismissed if things do not change for the better DRAMATICALLY within the next quarter. You said that you love me. You said that you want to camp in order to miss me and love me with your whole heart again. While all of this is cute and seems innocent, it is grossly insufficient. I do not need a guy who does not change diapers, does not work enough, does not (extend the list - I am sure you have enough to add) EVEN if he loves me with his whole heart. You can still love me with your whole heart - I do not mind - but you will have to live alone and love me from a distance. If you want to live with me, you need to (your list of chores etc.) You also should stop accusing me of abusing you. You have one quarter to make changes. Happy camping now."

Hamster-bamster, your ideas sounds good, as they often do! Sounds like w many of the human race, Invisible Truth's spouse needs some extra maturity, growing up, and realization and also maybe with some type of break, she can catch her breath and figure it out. Wish you all the best, Invisible Truth, not trying to speak of you in third person! The best!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by anneo59

Hamster-bamster, your ideas sounds good, as they often do! Sounds like w many of the human race, Invisible Truth's spouse needs some extra maturity, growing up, and realization

I would have agreed with you except for his accusing Invisible Truth of abusing him. False, hurtful accusations and abrogation of personal responsibility are a very big deal.

If we only had a case of a sloth who smokes too much pot and cannot be bothered with taking out trash until the premises stink, then sure, all he he would need is growing up.

But we have a case of a sloth who makes hurtful accusations.

A big difference.

You say you cannot appreciate him - and i can see why. A loving, responsible father doesn't try and negate as much as possible. That is not how a man behaves. I think you deserve to be able to work out your problems, enjoy your children with the time that you have and maintain a career you have worked so hard for - without all the added stress. If he won't be what he should be, work on accepting that and if the circumstances are right for you to be able to leave - do so at the earliest convenience.

[Perna]

I would say to heck with your husband and his angst and what he wants; those are all his problems. I would decide what you want and go with that.

I like to organize things and my husband is spontaneous (to the point where he wanted to go camping at the spur of the moment on a 3-day holiday weekend and, of course, there were no camp sites left, they'd all been reserved months before). I know/have learned this about my husband and myself, how we work together and, because I love him, it is not a problem for me to organize on the fly (if I must; I also practice being more okay with spontaneous) and try to anticipate what he might like, etc. However, that's because I love him and enjoy being with him. It does not sound like you have that with your husband?

My husband use to worry about how much money he made as he kept score how good he was at what he does by how much money he was reimbursed. I, on the other hand, kept trying to get across to him that we could live in a tent and eat canned beans for all I care, I'd make it work, if he wanted to take a job that did not pay that much; I want him to be happy/alive/excited about what he is doing.

Obviously I pay more attention to my husband and what he is experiencing than your husband pays to you but I think some of that is gender. We are retired now and I have my own projects and we do our own things but I get behind his things at times whereas on a major trip we took for one of my projects, he described himself as "just the driver". He does not really care about what I'm doing but will defend until death my doing it :-)

I don't hear you doing anything that a partner can really be part of? You have your way of wanting the house and kids cared for and there does not seem any place your husband can get in there? He takes the trash out but you criticize how he does that. Who wants to live with their mother and her chores?

It is not obvious to most men what needs doing to run a household/raise children. They weren't around when their mothers were running a household/raising children, they were out camping, playing ball, being boys. My husband was the oldest son of 4 boys and, fortunately, was taught the chore of doing dishes and got a job as a dishwasher at a club when he was a teen. Guess what? I cook dinner, he does the dishes. What is obvious to us because of our lives as girls/women is not obvious to the men! They had different lives, feelings, challenges, points of view. Announcing to a man who gets married, "Okay, now you have to do your half of the household chores, here's the list. . ." is like announcing to your average high school grad, "Congratulations, you'll be starting work as a CPA on Monday morning, see you at 8:00 a.m".

Why did you marry this guy? What was he like before/just after you married? How did you end up with the diverging jobs and when did that start bothering you? How did you decide to do the finances the way you did and did everyone participate in that decision?

If you don't enjoy being with him anymore, if you feel he is draining you, then I would not worry about whether to divorce him or not or whether he would be/act like a victim, etc. That would not be your problem; you cannot control what someone else thinks of you. If you want a faster paced life than he appears to or want to "do" more than he does and do not want to slow down and/or he does not want to speed up, then you either have to figure out how to get the different temperaments (I like organizing and my husband does not organize, is totally spontaneous) to work together or you have to decide you don't wish to do that and split.

But you might want to think about how you feel about people with different temperaments and background to yours. Because we do things a certain way does not make that way "right" it just makes it the way we learned/like doing them. I learned a valuable lesson from my husband discussing ye olde toilet paper conundrum -- do you replace the role when you use the last bit or do you leave it empty and the person who needs the toilet paper next replaces it? My stepmother taught me to be "nice" and replace it for the next person so they had toilet paper but my husband pointed out quite logically that you can't know who the next person is going to be to use the bathroom and it might be yourself so it actually doesn't matter, it's just a preference, not a morally superior duty

I do make sure there are rolls in the cabinet under the sink so whoever at least has one to replace it with and doesn't get caught with their pants down (my spontaneous husband would just deal with that problem when he got to it if he did, taking it in stride; I'd waste my energy being annoyed, feeling like the world and/or everyone else in the household was out to get me -- I don't want to feel that way so I choose to check the toilet paper under the sink every now and then so I don't have to).

[UniversalTruth]

Thank you – I really appreciate all of the supportive comments and all of the perspectives on this matter. I want to consider all there is to consider.
He came home last night and we had a long talk. I have to consider his feelings… he is hurt. Having post partum depression hasn’t been easy, for him… for either of us. It is true that I have been very resentful of him and I am certain that I have not been pleasant to be around.
It may be true that he is also not good at household chores… we have been over the chore responsibility thing many times… he tells me that I need to ask him for help when I need and so I do and then he doesn’t do it for days and I remind him and then I am accused of nagging him. So – to avoid the nagging thing, we agreed that I should make a list of the things that I need his help from on a daily basis. The list is on the fridge and has gone absolutely ignored for months.
I can see why he didn’t want to be an active participant in the “family life” – especially if it was miserable for him to be around me.
But, like I said… since I went to the Dr. and started working on getting better – he hasn’t worked on embracing (in my opinion) the situation and instead seems to want to escape it and criticize me for its existence… and is still leaving me alone with all of the responsibilities.
He did not grow up with any religion and his parents never taught him about acceptance or forgiveness… so he says that he needs time and has to learn how to forgive me for the things that he endured while I was sick. Then again – is that right? It isn’t necessarily my fault for getting sick… I didn’t do it on purpose. When he brought it to my attention, I immediately went to the Dr. – I didn’t realize it was happening like that. I have done everything I can and I am also working on scheduling marriage counseling for us (which, by the way he called the therapists I was looking into “Quacks”). I feel that I have truly owned up and I am sincerely sorry for any hurt I have caused – I have told him this. I have tried to show him this… it isn’t easy when he keeps knocking me down and then still isn’t around. I have even thanked him for breaking his silence. I am truly grateful he spoke up.
I don’t know, I just don’t think he possesses the tools to get past this – to evolve – to move on to a new and better place in our relationship and as human beings. I know that it will be extremely difficult for me to get past this if I am constantly reminded of it. Last night, he even brought up something that had happened over 11 years ago – when we were dating… I threw something at him when I caught him red-handed in the act of betraying me. I was shocked he brought that up… I thought that he was WAAAAY past that event – it was so long ago! But it seems like he is just pushing the trash down in the trash can instead of taking it out. Funny… because that is what he does with his one and only chore.
So some background on him. His dad – military man, cut any problems off at the head. His mom – manic depression, maybe schizophrenic, his dad divorced her when he was 6 because he was concerned about the safety of the kids. His dad was his best friend and passed away some years back (very young). He was always very outgoing and driven… until his dad passed. Since he has seemed rather lost or not sure of himself and the direction he wants his life to take. He stepped down from job with responsibility and has slowly started drinking and smoking more. He has admitted at times that he feels lost. He is introverted… has very few friends. Has major social anxiety – just going to a movie or out to dinner is stressful (it has not always been that way – it gets worse each year).
I know that I need patience for him and his process… hoping that therapy will help us. I do love him.

[hamster-bamster]

There is no relationship between religion and being able to accept others. Or, even an inverse relationship. So that is no excuse.

If his mom has so many mental health issues, how come he calls therapists quacks? Is his mom untreated?

He needs help himself, because his social anxiety is worsening and may become crippling if not attended to. Social anxiety may very well explain his issues about work (that he does not work enough, that he does not want responsibility at work, etc). He needs individual therapy for social anxiety. Couples therapy will not help his social anxiety.

"he tells me that I need to ask him for help when I need" - this is not social anxiety. It is a kind of selective mental retardation that manifests itself only when it serves his needs. You need to be severely mentally retarded to say that in the context of your overall relationship.

Another thing that seems to justify my calling his issue "selective mental retardation" is his attitude towards your PPD.

So you were AT FAULT for PPD.

OK...

...but then he is AT FAULT for social anxiety.

...double standard, huh?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So you were AT FAULT for PPD.

OK...

...but then he is AT FAULT for social anxiety.

...double standard, huh?

I STRONGLY disagree Hammy!

Hubby is at fault for PPD because HE impregnated her!

It sounds like hubby has changed his mind about being Mr Family man, and since its easier to point irrational fingers at you than to admit to his change of heart, you are left running around to "fix" everything.

Laziness is one thing, generations of women have complained about husbands who are more like furniture than partners, and marriages have worked inspite of that.

You know what I find appalling though?
He points out that you have a problem, and then puts you down for seeking help

Like wtf was the reason for pointing it out then, A 1 man "poor me" show?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You know what I find appalling though?
He points out that you have a problem, and then puts you down for seeking help

Wow that is a good catch!

And, a catch 22 for OP.

[UniversalTruth]

I grew up in an extremely abusive situation… I really don’t think that I am the abusive one... if I am abusive at all, he is too. Dysfunctional – yah, I am that, sure. Who isn’t? I forgive myself and I have been working on therapy, self realization and I am always looking to better myself. The situation he grew up in wasn’t good, either… but he had a very supportive father. His mother went downhill rather quickly and ended up in a sort of facility. Her Dr. prescribed her Prozac and my husband says that after she started taking that, things never got better and she had to take it the rest of her life (that he knows of). By the way, I am taking Prozac. She is still alive but refuses to acknowledge that she has children so he never talks to or sees her. She is very mentally sick. I have heard stories that she was also a very heavy drinker, neglected the children and had hallucinations.
It is true, I do need to learn to detach myself from his problems… and figure out what is really my responsibility to take on. I accuse him of acting like a victim but I need some boundaries and to stop being a victim, myself. It does feel like I am accepting responsibility for everything and just taking it all on. Who am I to think that I can handle everything!? Classic Co-Dependency tendencies left over from my upbringing, I guess. I search for inner strength and the ability to overcome these tendencies. Yet, I also want to love him and care about all of the things that he feels – thus why I usually end up apologizing and accepting fault for everything that goes wrong. He has this way of twisting everything into being my fault and because I want everything to be fixed and good – I accept fault and try to fix it because I really think I can. It would be easier if everything actually WAS my fault!!
A 1 man poor me show rings true and so does selective mental retardation!
Thanks for making me smile. Now – how to tell him that without being called abusive? It often seems that he reacts negatively to anything that I say that is not agreeing with or complementary of him. It’s like I am abusive because I have my own opinions. “I know you have your opinion – but your opinion is wrong.” He seriously said that to me just the other day.
I don’t know how to be honest and open with him without ending up feeling sorry for it afterwards. Literally when we end up in an argument (usually when I don’t absolutely agree with and validate him) and the only way to resolve it is I HAVE to apologize and beg him to forgive me (which apparently he cannot do). He is so ultrasensitive… insecure. Like I said, I don’t think he has the tools to break through to a better place in our relationship and I cannot do it alone. He is always checking out of reality when he is drinking and smoking. Spiritually, emotionally I am so alone. We’ll see what counseling does for us. Fingers crossed. I married him because I loved him – everything about him and who he was. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making each other happy and raising a family together. I believed him when he said he loved me… that we meant the same things with those words. I miss my best friend. Of anything, I want us both to be happier… even if that means apart. That is where I am now… I just want to be happy.
What can I expect in couples therapy?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Hubby is at fault for PPD because HE impregnated her!

(note: I've been posting to the OP, about this thread, over on the New Members, so...with that said...)

Trippin2.0.... Priceless and well stated!!

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

I grew up in an extremely abusive situation… I really don’t think that I am the abusive one... if I am abusive at all, he is too. Dysfunctional – yah, I am that, sure. Who isn’t? I forgive myself and I have been working on therapy, self realization and I am always looking to better myself. The situation he grew up in wasn’t good, either… but he had a very supportive father. His mother went downhill rather quickly and ended up in a sort of facility. Her Dr. prescribed her Prozac and my husband says that after she started taking that, things never got better and she had to take it the rest of her life (that he knows of). By the way, I am taking Prozac. She is still alive but refuses to acknowledge that she has children so he never talks to or sees her. She is very mentally sick. I have heard stories that she was also a very heavy drinker, neglected the children and had hallucinations.
It is true, I do need to learn to detach myself from his problems… and figure out what is really my responsibility to take on. I accuse him of acting like a victim but I need some boundaries and to stop being a victim, myself. It does feel like I am accepting responsibility for everything and just taking it all on. Who am I to think that I can handle everything!? Classic Co-Dependency tendencies left over from my upbringing, I guess. I search for inner strength and the ability to overcome these tendencies. Yet, I also want to love him and care about all of the things that he feels – thus why I usually end up apologizing and accepting fault for everything that goes wrong. He has this way of twisting everything into being my fault and because I want everything to be fixed and good – I accept fault and try to fix it because I really think I can. It would be easier if everything actually WAS my fault!!
A 1 man poor me show rings true and so does selective mental retardation!
Thanks for making me smile. Now – how to tell him that without being called abusive? It often seems that he reacts negatively to anything that I say that is not agreeing with or complementary of him. It’s like I am abusive because I have my own opinions. “I know you have your opinion – but your opinion is wrong.” He seriously said that to me just the other day.
I don’t know how to be honest and open with him without ending up feeling sorry for it afterwards. Literally when we end up in an argument (usually when I don’t absolutely agree with and validate him) and the only way to resolve it is I HAVE to apologize and beg him to forgive me (which apparently he cannot do). He is so ultrasensitive… insecure. Like I said, I don’t think he has the tools to break through to a better place in our relationship and I cannot do it alone. He is always checking out of reality when he is drinking and smoking. Spiritually, emotionally I am so alone. We’ll see what counseling does for us. Fingers crossed. I married him because I loved him – everything about him and who he was. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making each other happy and raising a family together. I believed him when he said he loved me… that we meant the same things with those words. I miss my best friend. Of anything, I want us both to be happier… even if that means apart. That is where I am now… I just want to be happy.
What can I expect in couples therapy?

To answer the part in bold - I think that would surely depend on your own expectations. I hear in the tone of your posts how desperate you are to make this work, to have as you say, your best friend back. I'm not sure you ever will. Therapy changes people so whilst you might not like certain qualities going in, how that person comes out might not be good enough either. This isn't to say your expectations are too high - not at all. But I think focusing on yourselves as individuals is the best way to go right now. You're already doing that so kudos to you -- but your husband? You've said he's reluctant to admit his issues. I worry also that tactfully suggesting its best for your children etc won't work either. The issue isn't so much that we can't make people do something they don't want to do - its whether therapy (whatever the sort) is appropriate for the people going into it. This isn't meant to undermine your husbands issues or doubt the success of professional help --- but what is there to help? This is what you need to try and identify if you're going to make a decision on where to take the relationship next. I hope I've been supportive.

[shaggydoo]

“I forgive myself and I have been working on therapy, self realization and I am always looking to better myself.”
You ask much of yourself, why don’t you ask the same of your partner?? If you really trust each other, then isn’t that a good, normal thing to do?

[BadGirlBlues]

The other posters have given some great insight and advice.

I'm not that smart; I just want to say that I think he is taking hardcore advantage of you. And will continue to do so until he is good and ready to stop. Which might be never.

He guilts you and blames you for everything that has gone wrong, and for his current behavior. I hope you choose not to accept this bogus, total responsibility crap.

[UniversalTruth]

So – looked into therapy through my insurance… they won’t allow us to attend as a couple because he smokes so much. But, I am allowed to go along and will start going. I am hoping that will help me with my issues and ultimately our relationship, even if that means we split.
Update on us. We got into a big fight last week. Story…
I was at a 6hr high-profile client meeting in an area that doesn’t get very good cell phone reception. During the meeting, my husband called me 3 times and sent a yelling text (IN ALL CAPS) to answer my phone. Thing is – I didn’t get his calls or messages until after my meeting and I called him back right away to find out that he was seething with anger towards me for not being accessible because he needed our insurance information for a last minute Dr. appt. He wanted this Dr. appt to happen before he went on another outing in the mountains – which he was apparently planning for the next day. He raised his voice at me and was very rude.
#1 - he knew I was in a meeting that morning and would be hard to reach (to be fair, he didn’t know that the meeting would last for 6hrs)… #2 – I had no idea that he was planning to try and make a Dr. Appt for that day (to be fair, it was something we had talked about a few days beforehand… that he planned to make an appointment soon and that when he did, I would fax the information to the Dr.)… #3 – This was not an emergency (to be fair, he has made several comments in the past about how much he hates that I am not accessible during my meetings with clients. Mind you, there has not been an actual emergency to get really upset about. Knock on wood.).
I felt that he had no right to be so upset so I stood up for myself and yelled back at him. I told him to get over it because I had done nothing wrong. I hung up on him and finished my very busy day at work. I picked the babies up from sitter, bathed them and put them to bed. Then, the fight escalated later that night and he ended up calling me a b***h, c**t, retarded and crazy. I only told him that he was acting like a jerk towards me and I wanted an apology because I had done nothing to deserve such treatment. It boiled down to his belief that it is my job as his wife to keep him from getting angry or that when I realize he is getting angry (because it is so obvious to me) that it is my job to calm him down. I refused to “comply” – as he put it. I still refuse to be responsible for things I am not responsible for. That is a lose-lose situation – no thank you! The argument stopped at an agree to disagree and him saying something like “fine, I won’t get mad at you then so you will see that all of our problems are based on your inability to… whatever” Hey, I am all for that! We haven’t fought since!! Look, I will own up to things that I do wrong or whatever. I follow the rules. AND - I NEVER purposely do anything wrong or to hurt anyone. I don’t even lie. Seriously. Every time I have tried in my life – it adds up to a huge disaster. I have nothing to hide.
The next couple of days consisted of him taking outings and giving himself a mohawk. It does look good, by the way. I have told him that I am not sure I really want to be around him. Then I also saw a text message between him and one of those sisters he works with. He was planning to help then install a dryer or something like that. The thing got cancelled and he texted something along the lines of being bummed out he couldn’t assist with their dirty panties. I approached him and told him I saw it. I said that was skeezy and something a creepy married man would do. I told him I don’t trust him. Then he finally said that he thinks we just need to start over… completely forgive each other for the things that we have done and start over.
The thing is… I don’t think I have done anything wrong – at least not purposefully. I have already owned up to the things that I did while I was sick with post partum… what else can I do!!??
I don’t know… he seems to be putting everything back on me.
Now I want to make a list of all the things I want in a marriage… the things I expect out of him as my husband, partner, friend, father to my children. I just cant seem to sit and get it out on paper. Maybe I am still formulating the list in my head or maybe I really don’t want him anymore. I vacillate between making it work and giving up on a daily basis. I dont know what I want.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not understand how his smoking disqualifies him from using therapy.

???

[UniversalTruth]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not understand how his smoking disqualifies him from using therapy.

???

During the therapy intake meeting I was completely honest about the smoking and to the lady it sounded excessive - especially the part where he uses concentrates. She said he would not be eligible to attend with me because both partners need to be "clean." She also told me that I couldnt drink alcohol anymore because I am taking Prozac. I only have maybe 4 drinks a week.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by UniversalTruth

During the therapy intake meeting I was completely honest about the smoking and to the lady it sounded excessive - especially the part where he uses concentrates. She said he would not be eligible to attend with me because both partners need to be "clean." She also told me that I couldnt drink alcohol anymore because I am taking Prozac. I only have maybe 4 drinks a week.

Oh my... no comment.

I had roughly about 4 drinks a week while on Prozac as well... without issues. I am not on Prozac any more, but back when I was - no issues.

Plus, she is not your p-doc and should thus keep her mouth shut. She is not your prescriber - she is crossing the boundaries by discussing your medications with you - she does not have rights to prescribe medicine and should mind her own business.

I am so sorry.

[UniversalTruth]

Thrown for a loop… this whole situation seems to have the potential to go into a few different directions. I will be posting a new thread under… “Time away from each other w/goal of reconciliation”
I need advice – thank you to all who can provide feedback. It really helps.

[anneo59]

I appreciate your added insight here!