How often to communicate with SO while traveling

I'm just curious as to how often folks communicate with a significant other when traveling. I know that there is no "right" answer other than what works for the couple, but I'm a bit torn on how it should be handled when the individuals do not agree on the frequency or method of communicating.

My boyfriend is traveling overseas for two weeks. It's mostly a business trip, but it will include a significant amount of time with his family. We have communicated only by way of fairly brief texts or Facebook messages every two days or so but, to be honest, I'm a bit bummed to have not had a call. He said he'd get a phone card and call at some point, but we're half way into the trip so it almost doesn't really matter too much at this point.

Given the time difference and the fact that he'll be with his family for most of the trip, I'm not mad or anything...just kind of bummed. From my perspective, I would have found about 10 minutes of quiet time to call by now...but, that's just me. When he's with his family, he's much more absorbed in spending time with them since they only see each other about once a year. So, I do get his perspective but it doesn't make me any less bummed.

It was a very last minute decision to travel, so we realy didn't have time to talk about it before he left and I do not want to bring it up while he's there. I may not even bring it up when he's back but would like to find a better compromise for the next time one of us is away.

I can understand why you are bummed. you would like to feel like you are important enough to him to stay in contact while he is away and brief messages just do not fill that void. perhaps you are not at that stage of your relationship yet. it is a positive thing that you are being understanding and don't appear resentful. perhaps you can talk to him about your feelings of being left out by the lack of contact and what that means to you when he gets back. some people just don't view the meaning of phone calls the same way. he may be one that just doesn't see the intimacy it provides to some, but hearing your feelings, he can understand why you need them and may comply. good luck

Thanks so much for your thoughts. We've actually been together about 3.5 years and this kind of "touching base" is definitely more important to me than it is to him. That being said, he is generally much more independent than I am and would not be bothered in the least if I were away without him and were not in contact. I guess we always expect the other person to process things the way that we do ourselves. Since he's not the "missing" kind, he doesn't really understand how I can miss him after only a week....and I can't force him to be more like me, just as he cannot force me to be more like him. So, we're kind of at an impasse over stuff like this...the bottom line is that I feel "needy" when expressing how I feel because he totally doesn't get it.

He grew up with his parents away a lot of the time traveling together, so he's used to this kind of thing. Although my father traveled a lot, it was not with my mother and I used to see the tension this brought about...It's hard to put yourself in the other person's shoes if you just don't feel what they feel...

This is something my husband and don't agree on. When I'm out of town he calls about the dumbest things just whenever he thinks about it. I'm like leave me alone, I'm busy at whatever I doing. I probably wouldn't call him at all because it's just not where my head is at. In other words, I forget. We don't fight over it. But I'm anoyed when he calls me all the time and refuses to learn to text. He tries to do better now and I try to do better too. It's just a matter of coming to an agreement on what you both expect.

I'd be bummed too.... but if he doesn't know that you have an expectation to speak with him at least a few times up front, he may be just oblivious. Is there a way for you to call him? Also did you tell him via text or FB that you'd like him to call?

I think the biggest mistake you could make would be to "test" him without him knowing there is a problem. So if you want him to call you, then be direct and let him know you're missing him and want to hear his voice and that you want to connect.

If he ignores your direct request, and doesn't have a good reason that he couldn't get in touch with you then you may have more of an issue.

Imagine what it was like for couples 120+ years ago.... I guess they'd replace calling with letters.

He does know that I'd like him to call. I mentioned it to him when he first told me he was leaving, and he said he would. Then, in one of his texts to me, he said he still needed to get a phone card and that he'd call at some point (he volunteered this; I didn't say anything more about him calling after the first conversation). That was about five days ago. Now, I know he's busy, but I'm just the kind of person who'd find the time.

He is not staying in one place while he's there...in fact, they've been traveling this entire week and he only has his phone (rather than his laptop). I'm sure this is part of the issue but, again, I would have found a way.

It's interesting to hear gayleggg say that she's more like my boyfriend. So, it sounds like it may just be a difference in personality types. I also think my boyfriend has ADD, although he's never been officially diagnosed....he can be very scattered but he's also stubborn about doing things he doesn't want to do. He knows that I'd like him to call me, but I'm just not sure he really gets that it's important to me since it's not that important to him. Two weeks away is a very short trip for him...he was away for a month the last two times he went back home, which is about once a year.

If he's just busy and having fun or working hard, I'm basically okay with it (disappointed but okay). But, I am starting to get a bit of anxiety that he really just does not want to talk to me. Which, of course, is a bigger issue.

Lido,

I agree that there are different personality types. My wife travels and sometimes so do I (not as much).... when she travels sometimes I want to hear from her quite a bit, and start to feel lonely. When I travel though, I don't have the same lonely feelings cause you just get so busy and have little downtime.

It helps that we have kids now, so that provides extra incentive... and we use FaceTime on the iPhone which is really cool.

He needs to find a coffee shop and Skype you.... phones are a pain in the butt in Europe.

So in short, he probably does really care about you and think about you more than you think.

Sometimes we text during the day. Always call to say goodnight, though.

I don't have a 'traveling' advice, but am in an LDR. Don't talk on the phone daily. Which works well, for both, what's brought forth to table. For instance, talked yesterday, probably won't tonight, may tomorrow or Wednesday, however. Lots of texting involved, use a couples website, where we can post private notes, links, cutesy stuff.
I feel, it's OK, for you to say, you'd really like to speak, at least once during this vacation, over the phone. There is a certain connection to hearing one another's voice. It's OK, to say, that though you recognize you both have varying needs in this department, a conscious effort to meet you half-way/part-way/some of the way would go a long way to leaving you feeling valued.

Yes, the feeling of being valued is the part that I cannot seem to communicate. He just does not really seem to have the same needs and cannot fully comprehend. Some of it may be gender-based differences but, even for a guy, he can be kind of aloof. I'm sure he'd easily admit to missing the dog, but have a terrible time admitting to missing me...or another person. But, then again, I'm not sure that he missed people...he has to remind himself to call his parents once a week (although I can tell how much he loves his father)...I think the disconnected part is because they were away so much of his formative years.

So, at this point, it's actually been about four days since I've even gotten a text/e-mail, although he has liked things that I've posted on FB. It's just really weird to me. I feel kind of frozen out...I would have hoped he'd share a bit of his trip with me either over the phone or by more personal message but, so for, nothing like that. I just really hope that he's just wrapped up and having a great time and that things will be back to normal when he's back next week.

Very understandable why you're upset about this. Why not just ask him if he would call and without making him feel like he's done anything less than your expectations, let him know you need to hear his voice. put it on terms that will leave it as what you'd like to have not something that hasn't happened. As in maybe make it so he understands that at this point you're realizing how much hearing from him more often and hearing his voice really means. It should work if you make him feel more significant and important to you. Try not to make it sound desperate but matter-of-fact and it will be win win.. he'll get a boost knowing how much you're thinking/needing him and you'll likely get more contact from him!

I don't know how often is right, that's something that would be between you and him.

Ah...very good point, and I will have to try this the next time he goes away. I suppose that I'm a bit scared to put it the way you've suggested because (1) I'm not 100% comfortable being vulnerable this way and (2) if I do put it this way and he still does not communicate, then it will seem even more as if he doesn't care about my feelings. I guess that neither one is a good reason to not give it a try though, so I'm gonna have to put on my big girl panties and step up on my side of the plate.

Well put it anyway that works for you. If necessary just voice how much you love to hear from him x times a day, week, whatever. And just ask him what is reasonable to him. If he comes up with reasons for not communicating on the level that you would like, hey you're still ahead, you've gotten a reason to help you when you're bummed. You'll know that it's this reason or that.. (like he can't talk as often because meetings or something.. etc.. whatever the case may be) Communication no matter what is what's going to help. Even if it doesn't change the amount that you talk to him while gone, you'll understand each other better, grow closer and that in and of itself is worth it.

On vulnerability, the best way to be as close as possible as you can to your SO is to be willing to be vulnerable. it's hard but darned well worth it. This is one thing I believe that is a part of why people don't feel as close to each other years down the road. Being unwilling to give all of yourself to your loved one. Just thoughts on that. I know it doesn't make it any easier but maybe it will help to give you reason to do it in spite of your fear.

All very helpful and what I know, deep down, to be true.

That's the thing about the need to feel 'valued'. It's actually my number one need, I've discovered. And it's the most ambiguous of needs to articulate that is out there from any needs based list.
It takes a combination of other needs to be met, to feel the valued need is fulfilled.
Articulating needs, isn't about just accepting that this is the way the other person is, but it's not abnormal, to say, listen, I have a need that needs to be met, for me to feel that I am a priority.

When this need wasn't met, it left you feeling 'frozen out.' You've expressed wanting to feel included, just a little over the phone or a personal message. If he can 'like' a fb status, he can just as easily send a PM through fb. That's just my opinion.

Will things, after this trip, truly go back to 'normal', upon his return? This is the type of event, in a relationship, that sounds like it could potentially breed resentment. It's the type of thing, that can leave a person vulnerable.

I'm curious, about 'seem even more as if he doesn't care about my feelings.' ?

Takes two to communicate in a relationship. Does this, statement, mean, that already, before this trip, you've felt this way?

Stating specific needs, need not be stated in an emotional manner. I agree, stated matter-of-fact. I need this, where can you meet me, with this? It's about being in touch with what it is that you need, to you own very core, to be able to express. Not wish-washy, not emotive styled, just frankly honest about what it is that you need, in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled with your relationship.

From my own experience, in personal relationship communication, in a matter of fact way, it's been appreciated and expressed as appreciation for honesty.

Yes, I already do feel resentful to be honest. Still not mad yet but hurt and something else that I can't totally put my finger on. Thinking that he may have missed my last FB message (we both have Windows phones and since he has not installed the actual FB app, it can honestly be easy to miss), I almost sent him a second message just to say hello (but to not say anything about not hearing back from him) but decided to just let it stand...If he missed my message, he should alsobe wondering if I'm okay. I'm not trying to play any games...I'm just trying to take a step back and not be the one pawing at him for attention. Not sending me any kind of msg in response to the last one I sent for four or five days is a little absurd to me but I can't resolve it now at this point and won't be able to get any clarification until he's back and we can speak live. A little frustrated and sad at the moment.

I'm a fairly communicative person and have expressed how I feel about certain of his behaviors that make me feel as if he does not value me. Unfortunately, I have done this in a hurt and angry way and this has likely alienated him at times since this is pretty antithetical to the way he processes stuff. So, I agree that just stating what I need in a matter-of-fact way may be more meaningful to him.

He is almost never angry with anything that I do....he says he picks his battles and, even if momentarily annoyed, he let's it go because it's never really worth it to get angry. So, if we do fight/disagree, it's because I've brought something up. However, there was no fight before he left...we had a really nice home-cooked meal with wine and then brunch before his flight. Hell, he even texted me as he was boarding the plane to let me know he was about to take off.

So, I just don't understand about the lack of contact for the last four/five days....he did mention something about crazy roaming charges, but I don't know how they work with using FB on a phone (rather than on a computer)...Eh...I guess I'll just have to wait to talk with him after he gets back...in this regard, I'll try to see it as an opportunity to work on my patience!

The patience thing is really not working very well for me. I'm almost at the point of wondering if something is actually wrong...but that could just be my anxiety getting the best of me...which is one of my issues to overcome. I almost sent a FB to his younger brother (whom I know, but not very well) but refrained since this could actually be awkward for him and seen as smothering. The brother lives overseas and wouldn't have the same restrictions on phone usage. But, I know that a lot of men don't like their wives/girlfriends checking up on them this way and don't really want to be one of those girls.

But, now I'm starting to get a bit angry that I'm in this position. I could totally see a situation with him that he's reached the maximum on his data plan since he's uploaded pictures from his trip....it would be totally typical that something like this would happen but I'm upset that he'd waste his phone usage this way. Sorry! Just woke up feeling very, very cranky about this and needed to get it out.

I don't know if it's logical, but my brain is at the point of wondering if, for some reason, he's done with the relationship and this is a nice way for him to distance himself. We've had some issues over the last 6-8 months, but they've been mostly due to stress over his business (and his own personal financial situation)...But, I'm wondering if he's just overwhelmed and I'm last in line when it comes to triage...