My Mind - - My Heart (in battle)

After several months of thinking through many of my life events and hurts, I have come to realization that some of my connection problems with people are held with in ME (and me only).... I cannot always feel that I am loved by someone unless I am able to see it on a daily or weekly basis, and if to much time goes by from me being shown how much I am loved and wanted by another then my mind starts to doubt, therefore, my heart is left dying, but once again.

What am I to do to resolve this very enormous issue with matters of the heart.... an issue that has left me distant from many that love me.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

WHY DO I ALWAYS DOUBT LOVE?

((((( Rhapsody )))))

wish i could help

I feel the same as you. Sometimes it can make things difficult as I always need to feel that my husband loves me. I've thought about it often. Is it because we think we don't deserve to be loved? Or is it because we think we are not good enough to be loved? If we don't love ourselves how can we except the fact that others do love us. I think it's all down to that. Not loving ourselves. I really do understand how you feel.

Just remember that everyone (ok almost everyone) deserves to be loved. Yes that means you!

Men are also a lot less likely to verbalise their feelings. Tell yourself everyday: If he doesn't say anything - he still loves me!

Alistair

Rhapsody, I got a really really good object lesson when I was in group therapy in the 1970's. We met at one of the therapist's homes and her dogs/cat were often in the room (living room) with the 6-8 of us in group (and the co-leader). At one point she was talking, had one of the dogs on her lap and it snapped at her and she pushed it off her lap. I was instantly, majorly triggered and asked, "what if he didn't mean to snap at you but just had to?"

I then got a beautiful talking to about how a relationship between people (as explained using the example of the relationship between her and her dog :-) does not depend on a single action but is cumulative over the years and much more complex. She emphasized how long she and her dog had "known" each other and were familiar with their relationship and how the dog was free to snap at her but knew if he did, she would not allow that behavior but that didn't change the love they had for one another. The dog didn't think/feel it was the end of the relationship, because he'd been pushed to the floor. Later, he'd come and get right back up on her lap, etc.

It was nice for me to see the whole picture from "outside." It's hard when we're part of a relationship to see the "other" side or even that there is more facets to the relationship than what we can see from our current position. We can't even see our position, since we're sitting in it, from the point of view of the relationship whole.

Sometimes it helps me if I think about the people I "forget" for awhile but love. I'm not always thinking every moment about everyone I know and love but that doesn't change how I feel about them! Other people are the same way; it's not possible for them to think of us all the time but when they do, it's part of that whole, ongoing relationship. Even parents/children don't think about us or aren't thought about by us all the time. Remembering that when I'm feeling a bit doubtful about a relationship helps me. I sometimes write a note/e-mail or call a person to check in, etc. and that helps get them "off" my mind for a bit so I can go on living my own life.

I to understand the feeling Rhap.. I go thru the feeling multiple times a day ... I find myself knowing that I am loved if it isn't by myself it is by God.. This allows me to conquer over the issues of self-esteem , fear, lonliness , anger , self defeating purposes ... I find grace within myself to know that I love myself and that I understand that other people are not like me and they show thier affection in other ways .. Also I have learned to lower my expectations of other people reactions .. This has helped me alot.. If i say " I love you " I do not expect " I love you " back it would be nice for them to reciprocate the gesture but knowing inside that they feel the same way is what I'm looking at

Hope it helps

Tymber

if ya wanna talk please pm and I will work something out to help-- no puter after 4pm pst

Thanks for all the replies.... and while I do indeed know that I am loved by many, I still seem to have a hard time feeling loved, therefore, I doubt.

Is it really to much to ask that someone show you that you are loved a few times a week.... I mean if that is what the other person emotionally needs in order that she may feel loved / wanted?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Rhapsody, you need to learn to love yourself unconditionally so that when others don't or won't give you what you need, you have it within you to give to yourself. Some call it "re-parenting" yourself.

It's your Inner Child that is starved for this show of love and affection. Your Adult Self, already being a mother, knows how to show this love and affection... TO YOURSELF.

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SeptemberMorn said:
Rhapsody, you need to learn to love yourself unconditionally so that when others don't or won't give you what you need, you have it within you to give to yourself. Some call it "re-parenting" yourself.

It's your Inner Child that is starved for this show of love and affection. Your Adult Self, already being a mother, knows how to show this love and affection... TO YOURSELF.

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YES I agree that we all need to learn to love our self more.
There are just two particular people in my life that I am not sure that they love me unless I see it.... with these two people seeing is believing (knowing is not enough).
I do not feel like this with every one in my life, there are others that I know love / care for me very much.... but then again - they show it often through their words & actions.

LoVe is a verb to ME....... not just a mere noun!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I often WONDER if this problem might not be the direct result of the significant people in my childhood not loving me / protecting me / wanting me? - therefore I am so unsure now....
As a child words never meant much to me (for ppl often broke their word), but actions I could see actions and they spoke volumes.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Verb" yourself, then! Counting on other people can end up in disappointment.

((((((((( Rhapsody )))))))))

I too believe that no one can love me, I'm paranoid about it and know how you feel. It just feels like people are nice to me because they have to be, not because they want to.

Maybe it will change for you once you are compltetely healed and whole again... I don't know.

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SeptemberMorn said:
"Verb" yourself, then! Counting on other people can end up in disappointment.

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I am not waiting on other people to make me happy or to enable me to love.... I just have a hard time feeling that people love me, even though I mentally know they do.
I believe the two things are different in terms and in the emotional need of.... if that makes sense.


Love,
Rhapsody -

Maybe it just comes down to needing to know that the ones you love - loves you in return.... it hurts when you feel unloved, even if it is only in your mind due to past wounds.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

How do YOU personally know (accept) that someone loves YOU? - no matter what the day holds or doesn't hold.

Seventy five per cent = their actions toward and about me. Words are cheap unless they're followed through with actions.
Twenty five per cent = blind faith.

No guarantee.

There's no shame in talking to the people you want to have show you their love and asking them to. They may just not know you need that from them. Some people are good at spontaneous shows of affection but others aren't, either because they don't think of it/know the other wants it or becuase they are uncomfortable in their own selves with it, have a problem themselves that has nothing to do with you/the other.

I constantly try to think of ways to surprise and get a smile out of my husband but can't imagine doing that for my stepmother. Some of it I think has to do with the degree we love the other person versus how much we wish they loved us. Do some unexpected things for the person you want to know loves you and use their response to see how well they "see" (whether they notice what you do and thank you for it, are joyful for what you do for them) and/or how comfortable they are with showing affection ("how" they thank you, if they seem embarrassed or loving in return).

Thanks Perna..... I will try that and I will keep a journal of the NICE things that they do for me, for I think maybe there has been so much bad & hurt that I might not be seeing the good when they actually do it, the big and the small things.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Can all the married ladies try and list at least 7 things that your husband does for YOU that says I LOVE YOU.... I ask this for I am trying to learn to see all that says we care cared for and wanted even though we might not see it as such.

I struggle with this also. I 've been thinking a lot about this too lately. I have a wonderful loving boyfriend. He shows his love in so many ways and thoughtful things. But I don't always feel loved. I know its got to do with me not him. One thing I have wondered at is the same as Pernas example. My kids when young would act up or my dogs now act up and I get angry but I love them and its over. I still want to give them a hug and kiss. I still cuddle them later and its forgotten. Did that happen for me as a child? I don't know. I don't think so. I was never held and cuddled. If I was "bad" I was bad for weeks. No sign of forgiveness or love and acceptance that the behavior was bad but I was essentially good. I was banished. Today as an adult when something happens with my BF I expect to be banished again. It doesn't happen with him. We talk and he is so loving and supportive. But I think I still carry around those old feelings. I have noticed that when I am around my family too much I start to feel less. I have to get away and build my self esteem up again. I am lucky I have good friends who tell me I me am a good loving person. I quess thats my reparenting. But those old feelings are insidious and can creep back. I have to use the thought stopping and make a point of loving myself more. Taking time for me and looking at that little girl inside who deserves to be loved and accepted. We got broke somehow but we can mend ourselves.

After giving thought to this matter.......
I honestly feel as though my issue with this matter are held with in my PMDD and DID, and with that I often feel helpless to stop it.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Froggie, I believe you're on to something.... that when we were children, and a significant other (parent) got angry at us, they did not then bring us close to them for a good hug. They got angry and there was no act of rectification, not even words to tell us, 'you're ok; I love you no matter what'.
When I get angry at my kid, I feel the anger for a moment, take some deep breaths and let go of the anger. Sooner or later I smile to my kid, I give a much-needed hug and things are good again. I never got this from my own parents.
I never realized I lost out big time, by not getting any physical affection. I still don't realize the significance of it. I simply got used to living without it. Just as someone who cuts out carbs from the diet gets used to going without carbs. (Don't try it!)
It'a supposedly a sad state of affairs, but I don't even feel the sadness. Perhaps it is buried deep within my psyche and body. When I can access it I will have another loss to mourn.....