[Junerain]

I have made a concious decision to sever ties with my mother. I began by alerting her she has ruined my life with all her negativity and verbal abuse, then I went on all expense paid vacation with her and other relatives, she did not address anything.....just demands on details of my life....tell me where you are applying etc etc...always absent emotionally though...she has not called me either in this week since the vacation...she also commited financial abuse towards me.....taking all my disability money as payee.....watching me starve with no help or care that I was starving..etc etc...whenever I am involved with a man...telling me he feels nothing for me that _I am stalking him......that men pay attention to me because there was simply no one else there...when she heard I was getting an earned tax income credit..tried to insist I WOULD NOT get it....just answers even compliments with demands..if you tell her you like her car...it's "CARS ARE NOT EVERYTHING!"...if you say something that doesn't 100% make sense...she will attack you verbally...if you are her new nieghbor who brings me home 1/2 hour late....she will HATE her new nieghbor as the 'late type..' if you ever had bad credit at any point in your life...she'll hate you....(she is an accountant) shows no remorse for telling me my whole life I would amount to nothing...

I feel good and very good for this past week of not talking to her..

...............................I think at this point I will not look back...

How have others come to a decision to sever ties with their own mother? It seems many were physically abused and that is probably much worse.......but I have not found anyone else from a rich snobby background that could not take it?!

[BlueFaith]

I had to cut ties with my mother a few years back. I didn't talk to her, didn't visit her... nothing. My situation is a bit different from yours. My mother is an alcoholic, and she completely ruined my childhood because of it. (And tried to ruin my adult life)

Sometimes severing ties is all you can do to protect yourself. And, you might not have to sever ties forever. Sometimes people learn from their mistakes and try to be better. I do talk to my mother now... she has stopped drinking, though, and she realizes how awful life was for me then because of her. I don't see her much, but I do speak with her.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope things get better. You don't deserve that type of treatment from anyone... not even a parent. Emotional abuse can be just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse.

[Rhapsody]

I stopped seeing my mother for 2 years and it has only been within the last five months that we have slowly starting to talk to each other.... a little at a time, and yet we both know that our life together will never be the same as it was once (what ever that was).

[Pomegranate]

I have mostly not had a relationship with my mother for most of my adult life. I went through a pattern of cutting ties with her, then feeling guilty about it, and her or other family members would manipulate a situation so that I would have to see or talk to her. But as time went on I grew stronger and more sure of my decision. It has been a tough process for me, always lots of guilt, although my mother has never changed much - neglect, horrible verbal abuse and some physical abuse. To this day she thinks everyone else around her is the problem, never her. She helped (with my ex and his mother) turn my only child against me. My daughter has not spoken to me in almost 6 years.

Since my mother is getting older, in her 80's. I have emailed her an apology for any hurt or pain I may I have caused her. I don't want her to die thinking I hate her. I don't. Just never liked how she treated me. Or what she did/does with my daughter. She took that as a sign that everything was fine again. Emailed me back like nothing ever happened. I haven't responded. I may send her a card for her birthday, which is coming up - the day before mine. But I have no intention of getting emotionally entangled or close to her again. I don't intend to have any real relationship with her - and have not for a long time - because it's always at my expense. It's been the only way I know how to protect myself from her.

So maybe be prepared to have ups and downs in regards to this decision concerning your relationship with your mother. She may change. You may change so that you find you can tolerate some kind of relationship with her, but you can always change your mind again, always take care of yourself.

[Vlo1980]

I've dealt with emotional abuse on my mother's part all my life, and I still do to this day. I grew up listening to comments such as "you should never have been born", "If I knew then what I know now, I would've drowned you when you were born", "You're worthless", and some other names and foul language I wouldn't even dare write! She lives with me and I have been supporting her for the past six years since my step-father left. I resent her and have been deeply affected by all this stuff I've been made to believe since I was a young child because it has caused serious shyness and self-esteem issues that deeply affect my life.

I do understand though, that we are not victims and our past doesn't really write our future. I have a daughter and our relationship is very strong because I've decided to establish with her what I've never had with my own mother. As far as my mom goes, I'm going to take care of her until the day she dies and I'll let God do the judging. Good or bad, family is family and we're supposed to be loyal to them no matter what and always remember that we're not perfect either. Yes, I was abused but she also taught me good values, to fear God, and a lot of other things I'm grateful for, I'm sure your mother has too. She won't be around forever and I wouldn't want to do something that would remain in my conscience forever after she's gone, I hope you do the same.

"Do not repay evil for evil.. but overcome evil with good." 1 Peter 3:9

Wow--this is terrible to say. My mother was horribly abusive with bipolar disorder (not able to be successfully treated) & an alcoholic. Apparently when I was born (I was an emergency birth--preemie--as they could not hear a heart beat & thought I was dead & my mother being a severe diabetic was not expected to live either). So surprise--we both lived, but she never got tired of telling me how she wished I had died. She did end up committing suicide successfully after many, many attempts when I was 15.

It was such a relief to have her gone...

[Elzeabar]

Hi
I never actually cut ties with my mother, though for the last 5 or 6 years of her life I only visited her when the children asked to see her. She was in no way as abusive as the parents of the other people who have posted replies, and I can't imagine what it would be like to go through what you all have done.
She died.
There is no possiblity of changing what I did and didn't do. I could have found ways of talking about what I perceived as the problem. I didn't- I cut myself off. I could have told her I loved her. I didn't. I could have made more effort to understand her. I didn't.
Now it is too late. I have finished clearing away the issues that got in the way of my expressing my love for her - and we have no choice but to love our parents - and she is no longer there.
If you are going to cut yourself off from your mother for a time, think of it as a limited time, during which you will work through the issues you have identified and return to her when you feel stronger. Make sure you find a good support person or group to help you through.
Good luck and remember that, whatever messages you received to the contrary, you are an important and lovable person.

[Nixtribe]

I am 41 and the youngest of 6 children, the only child of my father (my mother had 5 children when she married my father.) All my life my mother was controlling and verbally abusive to my father and I. When I was in my 20's early 30's I lived away from my mother and father...and was successful and happy. My father died 9 years ago and my family and I moved so that my mother could live with us. She was not doing well alone...she has never driven and even though she was always controlling and abusive to other people (my father) she was extreemly dependant also. I sure did not know what I was in for when I decided I would be the one to care for my mother. All of the memories of abuse came flooding back over the past few years. I was also SA by an older brother, and my mother "took up for him". I am now dealing with memories of my childhood that I have put far away, once they have come out..I can't get them put back again.

I feel for you and your struggles with your mother. I (my husband and family) are planning on moving..to another state...I will let my siblings finish with caring for my mother. Although no one has stepped up to the plate to do so...I hope for my mother's sake that one of them will be able to put up with her. She was miserable way back then and more so now.

Nixtribe

[Lenny]

I am sorry June for the decisions you are finding you must make...

An old Hindu mystic and philosopher once said...

"To discover the new country within us,,,we must find a way of letting go of the old one"

This "discarding" can often include those relationships which have been toxic to us becoming all we can be...

I know it is hard....

With Care,

Lenny

[Luce]

Ummm... I guess I just want to say I wholeheartedly disagree with the advice to love one's parents, no matter what.

They may be our parents and they may be the only ones we'll ever get, but that doesn't mean it is safe or appropriate to be around them.

There are plenty of murderers who are parents. Should their kids, grown or otherwise, loyally stick by them?

There are plenty of rapists who are parents. Should their children, grown or otherwise, stay loyal to them?

There are plenty of self-interested control freak parents who literally grind everyone around them into the ground in an effort to feed their own fragile egos. Does anyone really believe that it is necessary to put oneself in their firing line simply because 'they're your parent'?

Boundaries, people, boundaries. If it ain't safe - emotionally, physically, mentally or sexually - it is OKAY to not go there.

It is OKAY to sever ties with those who have and continue to abuse you. It is OKAY to be safe.

[Pomegranate]

I have been working on boundaries and self protecting, from my mother especially, for years. And over the years I have learned that the more I just stayed away from her and her dramas and nasty talk about me and so many in the family, the happier I was. I felt better about myself.

But I also have to deal with the guilt of letting go. I know I "shouldn't" feel guilt, but I do. Also when I have other siblings say things to me like "she's your mother and she put food on the table and a roof over your head, she worked hard to do that," it's guilt producing.

However after thinking about those kinds of statements, which made me feel invalidated and ungrateful, my own thoughts and feelings bubbled up and came through: Yes, she did do that. So What? SHE had the children. We were her responsibility, she was supposed to do that, and so MUCH MORE that she did not do! Any animal can become a mother, it's does not bestow sainthood or any other special status on the animal or person. You got pregnant. You had the baby, it's YOUR job to love it and take care of it.

My mother often said to me that she wished abortion were legal when she was younger, that I would not be here if it had been. My response was that I wished the same thing. I didn't get to pick my parents. Because if I did have a say, I most certainly would NOT have picked her or my father.

I am learning to stop buying into all the guilt and emotionalism surrounding parents and family. And I agree with others here, especially luce, who talk of boundries and separation when it comes to toxic relationships, even if they are with your parents.

[horsecab]

Junerain,

I agree with Luce. You need to take care of yourself in a way your mother never did. Maybe in losing you see will see the way she is and change, then again, maybe not. What's important is for you to do what is best for you, and if that means getting out of an abusive relationship, then so be it. Many times if people have been given a poor parent, it helps to seek out a new friend to fill the mothering role that was never properly provided for you. In other words, if you were born into an unhealthy family, you can choose to stay away from them, and seek out healthy friends to fill the roles of those family members who were toxic.
Always be good to yourself.

[I_WMD]

June ? I hope ya not mind me replying here .......
BTW ,, when I read the part about her being the * payee * >> It put my memory in gear , and I remembered that you spoke of this once before [ that I noticed and read ] ,,,,, I hate it for ya that you in ~pull hair out land~ . ,,,

Briefly I give you my own * cut ties * quip .
First time I cut it off for 13 years ,, then gave it another shot .........same personality still there .

Waited another 19 months ,,,,, One week she brought some boxes over to Donnas' and mines home ,,, I had told my mom the day before that I would be there Saturday [ the next day from at this described moment ] .
Well that got her into >> not soon enough tirade , [ even though earlier it was an agreed upon time ] .
yes , I am going somewhere with this . :P

Finally she gave me the * bird / finger * ,, and I said " I sure hope your proud of yourself for being able to count to one "

What did I learn ?
That even though this is my mom , I have to deal with her as I would an old friend ,, except the idiocy ,, and focus on her [ as she believes ] interests and see if you can't find that even your Mom has other interests other than making your life miserable . eeeerrrrrrmmmmmmmmm???
You can Only Hope !

Hope you can , Take Care June .

WMD.

[Capp]

June,
I sincerely hope you were able to get what you needed emotionally as you take these early steps into independence from your mother.
Jmo, but it's never too late or too early to tell Anyone that you won't take their abuse any longer.
You are a valuable and worthwhile human being. You deserve to be shown respect and courtesy, at a minimum, by people in your life.
I don't believe you would take this behavior from someone else--why take it from her?

Yep, boundaries. Wise advice to set them and keep them.

I severed emotional ties with my parents many years before they died...it renewed my spirit and opened the door to a measure of peace for me.
When each one was dying, I chose to take care of them. It was hard in many ways, but I'm glad I did it. My feelings towards them were about what I had for my real life patients.
It gave me a chance to test my feelings and see if theirs had changed...keeping the boundaries in place was not a problem.
Nothing had changed except me. I did tell them if I was not shown respect that they could pay for nursing until hospice was called in.
Money speaks volumes!

I gained much from those experiences. One of the best was knowing I had done the right things by not having close contact with them early on, then the decision to take care of them at the end.
Something like that may not work for someone else but it did for me.
No Guilt, either.

My best wishes for you to protect your heart from her abuse,
Cap

[Elysium]

I am going through tough times with my Mother at this point in my life, and we are not talking much. We have always been very close and enmeshed in eachother's lives, but since I've been in therapy for my depression and PTSD, I am beginning to see just how emotionally absent and abusive she was to me and my brother. I don't want to do it, but I feel I may at some point have to cut ties with her in order to become a more healthy person.

I don't have much advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I have an understanding of what you might be feeling, and that you're not alone.

I read some of the other posts on this topic and I do feel I need to speak up and voice my opinion on something. First let me say that I am not meaning to offend anyone, and I firmly respect everyones right to believe what they believe in. This being said....

I do not think that a person (child or adult) should feel obligated to tolerate any form of abuse or neglect from a parent, or anyone in general, because they were taught to "fear God", or because it is their duty to take care of that person. If a parent is toxic to you, it is your right and duty to yourself to step back and maintain a healthy environment for yourself. As far as I am concerned, teaching a child, even an adult child, to fear God is just another tactic of abuse. It is religious manipulation, and I think it is sad.

I do not fear my God. My God does not require that of me.

Take care....

[Tootsie Roll]

I totally agree. forgiveness does not mean being a door mat.
I have severed the the ties.

Daughter of a bipolar 2 - 76 year old mother who has beat the mental health system several times.
It is a shame how the medical system downplays mental illness