Feel too depressed

Ok I am in love with this guy. I had already posted about him. Long story short, he questions about my entire past - I have told him everything, from the people I flirted with to the one serious relationship before him when I lost my virginity.

He has major trust issues and constantly brings up the past. But at other times, he is extremely sweet and caring. But when he goes into his angry phase, he calls me all hurtful names (minimum of ***hole to even sl** and pros******) and says I belong to all other guys, I am a liar, etc. Yet I hold on and most times I try to be calm and not respond angrily because I deeply regret my past. I don't even talk to anyone except him - my contact with other people is a bare minimum. Even if I move from my seat at office to talk to my manager, he asks me to marry my manager so I usually sit glued to my seat.

Today again he brought up my past and I just asked him as to why he is obsessed over it and if he is hiding anything. He told me to concentrate on my work etc. Then one thing led to anther and I asked him if there is anything he liked of me since he points out many flaws of mine everyday. And he said that there is nothing

He's said many hurtful things - he even says I don't give him pleasure as I am damaged physically and I am used. But of all things, to say that there's nothing he likes of me. That hurts the most.

I regret my past completely and for all my life I am ok to give up on my likes and live for him, and yet to hear that one word reply "nothing" when I asked what he likes of me - that really shattered my heart. I have already been physical with two people and given my all to them. I don't think that anyone will ever accept me after this. It is India after all. I feel used and cheated on. I just wish I could die or just sink into madness oblivion

I completely understand your pain for reasons I won't go into. What I can say is that you deserve to be around people who think kindly of you and treat you like they'd want to be treated.

Probably like many others here, I'm mortified by how these men are treating you. I am a total stranger to you and even I can tell that you're articulate and truthful. There: a person you don't even know has two good things to say about you. Imagine what light you can bring to others who are open-minded and get to know you.

I've never lived in India so I can only sympathize. But I do live in a neighborhood where I am the only non-Indian person for about 3 blocks. Many (not all, of course) are warm, kind and open-minded. Almost all are immigrants or first-generation. Every one of them is in IT.

Your quote about not letting go makes me want to cry. You sound like you are afraid. This is natural because change is sometimes difficult and sometimes painful. But it sounds like you're in a lot of pain without change.

About the cruel things people are saying about you. My mom told me something I carry to this day. Yes, words are like knives. But it's not the person saying cruel things who is stabbing you. It's you who are taking the knife they hand to you and stabbing yourself.

Please keep talking with people here. You deserve to be comfortable with yourself and in a place that's emotionally safe.

I just wanted to tell you not to believe someone cruel like that,you sound like a lovely giving person! no one is perfect on this earth. I hope this person just leaves you alone rather than talk to you that way! you are worth so much more!!!!!

Coma,
Thank you very much for those kind words I have few friends who are very sweet and encouraging to me - but even them, I am not talking to much because of my lover (lets call him L). He keeps asking what relationship I have with my male friends and if I say just friends, he laughs. It seems that all are my enemies here. So many people have said mean, terrible things about me to him and even advised him to leave me He constantly asks where I am and I have to send him pictures of what I am doing, etc.

Everything just worries me so much. I am not able to socialize, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I am constantly crying.

But even my ex was similar - just a toned down version of L.

It kinda makes me think that all this love and respect is bull**** and all guys are just the same. I can't move from what I have done in the past and I fear I am damaged as I am no longer a virgin. And need to accept that this is how any guy I end up with, will treat me

I am human,
Yes no one is perfect - but it seems to me that all guys do want one perfect girl and to be honest, I sort of feel worthless - that I am after all touched by people other than my husband

I don't comprehend why you must accept being treated like the bottom of the barrel. So, you have a past.

I, personally, can no longer, entertain any relationship, with a person who is going to say mean and hurtful things to me, when all I am willing to offer is love and respect.

Is there an unwritten rule, that states you must accept this man, as the only remaining potential suitor, in your life?

Well, First of All, Is it so important for you to get married. I mean can't you live your life by your own on your own terms. Look, Miss ...., Boys will always be Boys. No Matter How Much He Tells You Things Like - Baby, You Are My World, Baby, I Only Love You, Baby, You Mean the World to Me, etc. So, Stop Fooling Yourself, Stop Thinking about Your Past, and Move Ahead. Learn From Mistakes, Do Not Get Burned By It. Life Is Still Beautiful Even Though It Has Many Flaws. You Only Need To Be True To Yourself Because the Only Person You Cannot Cheat In This World Is You, Yourself. So, Buckle Up and Live Your Own Life. And Try to Stay Happy & Be Positive. That Man is Not the End.

Healingme4me,
Hmmm it is just - all guys I've seen here... Seem to be the same. He says that he is big-hearted to forgive me for my past and so I must accept his anger. If all men are going to be so, I just feel like biting my teeth and bear all this. It hurts - physically hurts, mentally hurts - but what should I do.

He is right though I am already touched by someone else - am not a virgin - and I have kissed others before him - it does bring down my value when it comes to marriage as a girl...? i am confused - people say it is ok - leave - can find others who are better - but what if this is how my life will be? I know that he keeps saying he feels no pleasure in sex with me - that I am just too loose and damaged completely - I even told him it probably has nothing to do with having had sex before but I also don't know about it enough and if I do know enough, he hates that I know such details. It is just too much and there is no one I could talk to about all these details

I know that lots of men, can be, well, just real jerks! But, I also know, that there are lots of nice guys out there. I realize, that we have cultural differences, yet, I find it difficult to accept, that even in your culture, this is remotely acceptable!

"Too Loose"? You haven't actually, given birth to a 10lb+ baby, have you? And even if you have, there's always 'kegel' exercises, to help strengthen, those muscles. (I learned about kegels from a bike accident, when I was six years old).

He's abusing you, plain and simple. If he's willing to 'forgive' as he says, your 'past', telling you things like that, while making love to you, is completely inappropriate. (It's one thing, to have a night or so, of fantasy play, and he wants to treat you like he's paid for you, it's something else, entirely, what I am reading here!)

Sometimes, it's OK, to take some time, off from dating for a while, to regroup, figure out what your needs and desires are, and then, be able to tell the difference of a nice guy and an abusive jerk, before you even get into the bedroom!'

There is no love there. He is manipulating you into believing he is a kind caring person. People who go from kind to angry in a second are one you don't want to be around too long. They have "their own" personal problems to deal with.

Think about it this way those words that come out of his mouth are his own internal thoughts not yours. You need to think before accepting what another person says. If it's true accept it and change it if you want. I can see that from the words he is saying is because he doesn't forgive his past and he isn't helping you any better on forgiving yours.

Leave him and help yourself.

I myself have been taking things too personally. Though then I think later how was it true what that person had said; they are only accusing me and making assumptions.

This may help some plus there is a book:
» Four Agreements and Wisdom for Spiritual Warriors based in Common Sense

Also read on how to become more assertive; they have some really good books out there. Like this one: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: Manuel J. Smith: 9780553263909: Amazon.com: Books

These help bring more happiness to life. Forgive your past and strengthen your future to come.

Agreeing with others. He's using abuse and fear to control you, by first separating you from your friends and support network, then convincing you that you're worthless and have no other options but to accept him. This is a classic abuser strategy.

I'd bet real money that sections 1.7 and 1.8 will sound familiar to you:
Domestic violence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A man with no value himself needs an equal in order for her to stay. This guy is working pretty hard to make you feel worthless. When words stop working, can you imagine what might happen next?

And regarding the sex, even the "worst" sex is one of the top two things that happen in a day. (Joke.) The number one being waking up healthy. (Not a joke.) I'm not commenting on your sex life, I'm saying in general that if he feels the need to tear it down, it's not bad at all.

BTW, one of my Indian friends (let's call her Anjuli) was a self-admitted flirt when she was younger and lived in India. She said all the boys would like her company (not her "company" --- she might have slept with one or two people) but that her biggest fear was that none would marry her because of her past.

Anjuli told me that many of them felt exactly that same way. She still had fun going out and dancing or drinking, which I guess was scandalous. But she knew that it might limit her choices. Well good for her, eventually she met a few kind, open-minded gents (in India) who were confident in themselves.

The one she married happened to own a leather factory. He and I are good friends. Over a scotch, he told me the reason he asked Anjuli to marry him was because she wasn't afraid to be herself.

In fact, she chose him. No relationship is perfect, but only you can decide what you're willing to accept. And that has to be done without the input of the person you're going to be with. I wish you confidence.

Subodh Sansar,
Thank you for such strong words.

Hmmm I do know that there are a lot of things I could do outside a relationship. But no one can be alone always. And there is also the added pressure of parents looking for an arranged wedding.

I just - feel bad about myself when he says such things - especially when I love him so much. I also don't wish to be the person who walks out at the first signs of problems in a relationship - it is again small of myself to do so.

Holding on to the relationship even with pain seems easier than to let go and face what happens next. I am scared

Are there any guys on here who would take my side? or just us girls ranting about how a guy should be more respectful of me etc

It is easy to write about what I feel and to cry. But I don't have the strength to decide. I have made mistakes and now... I keep thinking that my past will never be behind me and I should always be in misery

This is your 4th post about this bf of yours.
Nobody's guidance or insight has helped you to stop making excuses for being with him.

Have you thought about what it is you actually seek here through posting?

What I mean is, do you just want someone to listen and empathize, or do you seek any type of guidance at all?

The main reason I ask is because it seems you have not received the desired responses, so it is best to state in your post the type of feedback you require. If any.

Trust me I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you are not seeking support, then maybe starting a blog regarding your relationship instead would be more suitable for you...

This way you can let out all your frustration without receiving any undesirable feedback.

Btw, these are not just replies from women about how we "think" we should be treated by men. Some (a lot) of us ARE treated with love and respect by our bf's / husbands, that's why we know its out there.

Mmm... I haven't come in here for long but I did read your reply Trippin2.0.

Hmmm.. There are many reasons why I am not leaving. I am everyday trying to reason with him, getting angry and walking off, etc. But he does come behind me if I leave, and I do too if he leaves. It is like that.

I feel bad about leaving someone I love at the signs of trouble - if I do, it makes me feel bad that I am someone who will only be with someone during good times. I am also scared because he does threaten a lot, like he won't let me be with someone else.

I have no one to turn to. I am terribly scared and sad.

Ok, stay for virtue of 'better or WORSE'.

If this is what you want, then I 'support' it.

I don't know what you meant, by isn't there anyone here, that will take my 'side'? I took, offense, because I felt I was taking you side..



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Speaking of pasts, it is hard bringing three kids, into a new relationship. At least, my new bf is night and day, from the exh.
There are good men, out there, that know how to be 'nice.' That get, the importance of treating women with respect. Just sayin'.

Guess, that's why nice guys, feel that they finish last? Takes a woman, with good esteem, to appreciate their value.

There's a good pdf, article on the 'Do Narcissists Know They Hurt Us' thread, that covers, these highly emotionally charged relationships, what is love, and virtue.



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Hmmm... Yes I know... My problems are very tiny compared to others and also... solvable.. Yes... Trying to breakaway... i am at the very last stage of being patient and trying to fix things. He insists that I shouldn't leave him and neither will he. I am sort of scared to be alone on this - what if he does something rash. I am trying to reason out things. Will see... If nothing else works, need to keep my head up and move...