[Liinu]

So.. Out of all the topics and posts I've made on this site, this one is the most embarrasing for some reason. Lovely.

Anyway.. I am 21 years old and I'm a virgin. I know that's not super old or anything, but literally no one I actually know who's also my age is a virgin anymore.

And I think it's really standing in the way when it comes to me and dating.

I mean, the reason why I've never "done it" is because I haven't been in a proper relationship. And right now it feels like it's beginning to turn into something vice versa.

Whenever I meet a guy, I kind of push them away immediately becaus my mind automatically starts thinking like "what if he tries something and I'm not ready and how long is he willing to wait and what will he think if he finds out" and just all sorts of ****.

Now, I actually went out with this one guy who was just great. And I wasn't that nervous. Probably because he was a bit older and a serious gentleman, so I really don't think he would've minded if he had found out. I actually thought that I want to kiss him. Which never really happens because well kissing can lead to places so I usually just.. don't.

So based on that experience, I know that the "cycle" can be broken.

And yet I'm still.. Idk.. Not ready to date.

And I know you are all probably gonna say that "the right guy will wait" and that "You should wait until you feel ready" but on EVERY OTHER level, I am ready. I just can't get over that little annoying voice in my hed that freaks out every time a guy looks at me. I just sometimes feel like I should have a random one night stand just so I'd have that out of the way and I know that it's wrong to think that, but it just bothers me so much. It's not even that I value my virginity super bad and I want it to be realllly special. I just feel so unexperienced in every way and this little extra thing is really not helping.

I feel pretty much the same way, though I'm 25 now. I've even been turned down solely for being a virgin. Most of the people I know are married or in long-term relationships, and I'm just the "child" who will never have any of that.

Even if I were to get in that situation, it's too humiliating to have someone see me naked or have to explain that I have no idea what to do. To have to have them tell me step by step when they could literally find anyone else that could have sex with them without the instruction manual.

And relationships aren't about love anymore…it's all about sex, sex, SEX.

Sorry, it's probably not helpful to hear from someone so cynical, but if you read anything else on the forums, the need of the vast majority of guys to have sex outweighs how we feel…

Maybe the right guy will wait, but how dare we deprive him of SEX. How selfish of us. Alright, I'm being very sarcastic, but in reality that's how most guys think nowadays it seems. They buy us dinner, how dare we not put out. They don't care if we're not comfortable with it. That's why there's so much pressure and why there's that nervousness in the back of each of our minds about being pushed into doing things too quickly.

[Yogurtz]

Liinu,

I am sorry to read that you are so uncomfortable and anxious about being a virgin . So much pressure exists for us to lose our virginity at the earliest possible time, but really there are many more virgins your age than what you think there are .

My GF and I are both virgins. She'll be turning 27 and I'll be turning 23 in a couple of months.

It's not something I think you need to worry so much about. Everyone is inexperienced at some point in relationships

[Yogurtz]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I feel pretty much the same way, though I'm 25 now. I've even been turned down solely for being a virgin. Most of the people I know are married or in long-term relationships, and I'm just the "child" who will never have any of that.

Even if I were to get in that situation, it's too humiliating to have someone see me naked or have to explain that I have no idea what to do. To have to have them tell me step by step when they could literally find anyone else that could have sex with them without the instruction manual.

And relationships aren't about love anymore…it's all about sex, sex, SEX.

Sorry, it's probably not helpful to hear from someone so cynical, but if you read anything else on the forums, the need of the vast majority of guys to have sex outweighs how we feel…

Maybe the right guy will wait, but how dare we deprive him of SEX. How selfish of us. Alright, I'm being very sarcastic, but in reality that's how most guys think nowadays it seems. They buy us dinner, how dare we not put out. They don't care if we're not comfortable with it. That's why there's so much pressure and why there's that nervousness in the back of each of our minds about being pushed into doing things too quickly.

You sound frustrated, I understand that, but I wanted to explain that there are men in this world that don't think or act like that, for example, Me!

My GF and I are both virgins and we have both talked extensively about what we want from sex and our relationship, what we are and are not comfortable with, etc., and we're now 5 months into the relationship and we haven't had sex. Our lives are too stressful and uncertain right now (she says she can't enjoy it and feel stressed about life), and we're both waiting on finding out what contraceptives are compatible with her medical condition. The fact is that it might be almost a full year into our relationship before we have sex because we can't afford the contraceptive(s) she wants and she wants our lives to calm down before we do it.

Furthermore, I have told her repeatedly that if she isn't 100% comfortable with it, or as comfortable as she can be, we don't have to do it. Relationships are all about communication and compromise, and if the men you know can't see that, you know the wrong men!

[AngstyLady]

Hey, Our society is so sex crazed now, people think it's practically a right of transistion to lose their virginity. I knew some friends in highschool who made a pact to lose their virginity before graduation, but now it seems kids are losing their virginity earlier and earlier- and I think it's sad. MOst of them aren't emotionally mature enough yet (say like age 12) I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18, and even then, I don't know if I was ready. Don't have a one night stand to 'get it out of the way' There's not anything wrong with that, but I'm sure you'll regret it. Or, you could always find a boy you're age who's also a virgin and start dating- their might be a virgin dating website where you could find someone in your area. But anyway. I'm sure the more you have experience dating, the more you'll feel comfortable and find someone to actually start a real relationship with and things will progress naturally.

[IndieVisible]

I see nothing wrong with a 21 year old female virgin. In fact I salute you!

21 year old male on the other hand I can see how that might be rough for some.

[Liinu]

Thank you everyone I feel slightly better now.

What I really don't understand about my own mind is why am I so afraid of even the first date. In my head it's like "okay, if I go out with this guy, he is going to expect sex out of me"

It's ONE date. I can never see him again if I don't want to. I guess it just feels like going out on one date is already like.. making a commitment to that one person. Which it is SO not.

Ugh.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Liinu

"okay, if I go out with this guy, he is going to expect sex out of me"

It's ONE date. I can never see him again if I don't want to. I guess it just feels like going out on one date is already like.. making a commitment to that one person. Which it is SO not.

Ugh.

I think the real key here is in choosing the man you want to date. There are gentlemen left in the world, but you have to turn over the right rock. They won't be exciting and may be even a little dull and predictable, but they will put your comfort and willingness above their own desires.

Specifically:

1. If he does expect sex (which some jerks do) just for giving you a date, then he's not worth wasting your time with
2. Commitments still aren't about sex. A commitment is committing yourself to the relationship. Many committed people wait until marriage before they both lose their virginity.
3. Date around, don't feel pressured by anyone or anything. If you date a guy and he pressures you before you're ready, he's not right for you. A real man will wait for you to be ready.
4. By the way, I was 25 before I lost my virginity and I'm a guy. Of course in my case it was forced abstinence, I couldn't buy a date at a brothel.

Good luck out there!

[Liinu]

I guess that's why I felt comfortable going out with the last guy. H really was a gentleman. But then again, he was exciting and made me laugh and gosh.. Why do the perfect ones have to live so far away.

Originally Posted by Liinu

Thank you everyone I feel slightly better now.

What I really don't understand about my own mind is why am I so afraid of even the first date. In my head it's like "okay, if I go out with this guy, he is going to expect sex out of me"

It's ONE date. I can never see him again if I don't want to. I guess it just feels like going out on one date is already like.. making a commitment to that one person. Which it is SO not.

Ugh.

This is what I think too…even if it's a guy I want to have sex with too (just not after the first date).

I have what I guess is a first date this weekend. I mean, it's the first time we've hung out one-on-one, but I don't know if it's an official date. And man, am I scared about what he'll do, about what I'll do.

I think there's way too many guys think girls owe them sex when the guy spends his time/money on her. And guys are confused as to why girls are afraid of them? How do we know if a guy is a decent guy or a guy who is going to guilt us into doing things we don't want to do? Dang, I'm going to stop before this becomes a rant.

[Liinu]

I guess you have to trust your stomach on that one. I've noticed the difference.. Some guys just give off this.. not even a bad vibe but.. I just don't feel safe around them. And other guys (yeap, still talking about that last gentleman) I mean.. He led me to a pub in a part of the city I had never been to. He could have taken me anywhere and whatnot. And I didn't, for one moment, feel unsafe.

[manwithnofriends]

i'll be a virgin till i die and i'm not complaining (because the price you pay for sex is having kids. that's one reason why gangs exist - their parents couldn't be bothered to parent them when they were young so they go out to the streets and know only bad things)

oh, and so what if contraceptives exist, not one of them can claim to be 100% effective (at preventing pregnancy).

[Sharp_Lace]

Being a virgin is 100% awesome.

But I think there is alot of over anxiousness about sex on this thread.
All people who want sex out a relationship are not bad people.

In fact most men I know are gentelmenly enough that if they do happen to be dating you and ask if you would like to have sex. You just have to say "no thanks" point made....There really just happy to be with you.
We don't have to think of everyone as scary.

[anna_goth27]

I am 27 and I am a virgin. I understand the pressure and honestly, a few years back I always thought "hmmm you know, I am not just gonna sleep with just anyone, but if the right guy comes along and I feel safe I might go ahead and do it, I know how to be smart about it." But back then I had no prospective boyfriends, so I guess that was my safety net for thinking that way.

Eventually I came to realize that the idea of being able to say I saved myself for marriage was more important to me than having the anxiety of uncertainty (because of no fool-proof pregnancy prevention) that came along with premarital sex. My current boyfriend at first insisted on having sex, but was always respectful in that he never made me feel guilty for not wanting it or forced me after I explained my values.

I having a strong dislike for the fact that popular culture seems to insist that if you are a person in your 20s and you havent had sex there is something wrong with you. I dont knock down those who do, but I wish there was more respect for those of us 20+ who have decided to wait. Ive even had conversations with people who had multiple partners before marriage that say that although they dont regret their decisions entirely, they wish they had waited.

I know it sounds old-fashioned but I just want to make sure that that special experience is one I share with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with.

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[Liinu]

And here I am, dreaming of babies. I really just want that one decent guy to come along and fall in love and then I want to have a child. I've been emotionally mature enough to have a baby since I was fifteen. That's a freaking long wait.

[Petra5ed]

As a woman who is a bit older, my opinion is that losing your virginity is way over hyped. For women sex gets better as we get older. It will most likely take time for you to learn through trial and error how to, you know, really enjoy it. So basically what I'm saying is, the first time usually sucks for the girl. Dunno if this helps you any in your choice.

Also, if you want to kiss a guy that doesn't mean you're also consenting to sex. You'll need to learn to tell a guy no when he takes it there and you're not ready, and believe me he will be used to hearing it from women. Just date guys you have a good gut feeling about, a good guy is patient anyways.