[kimmiemom]

Hello,
Almost 8 years ago I met the love of my life. He is everything I've ever wanted in a person. Loving, supportive, etc etc, he did and said all the right things. I was 'in love' with him for about 3+ years. Our lives fell into a rut, doing the same old things all the time. He no longer complimented me and said nice things. I'm at fault as well, I began to take him for granted too. 2 1/2 years ago my dad passed away and my bf was totally there for me, but we continued in the same rut. Then I had an emergency appendectomy and again, he was there by my side. I gained some weight after the surgery and began feeling poorly about myself. I met another guy through my job who said all the right things and I ended up having an 8 month affair with him. My bf threw me out of the house, but kept after me the whole time that he wanted me back. I know - more than anyone on this earth - that what I did was wrong and I live with that guilt and pain every day. At the time I had the affair, my bf began searching women online and even dated a local one a few times. One in particular, who lives in the next state, he began to have phone conversations with. She was going through a divorce and well, misery loved company. After the 8 months passed, I ended the sexual part of the affair. I did still have some contact with the other person for a short while, but then changed jobs and ended the whole thing. I hopped around to some apartments and eventually my bf asked me back to the house. I had begun therapy while the affair was going on and continue to go regularly. My bf has gone a few times but doesn't 'buy into' the therapist gig. He says he loves me, but there's a lot of damage and he doesn't know that he'll ever trust me again or that our relationship will be the same. In the meantime, about a year ago I asked him to limit how much he was talking to the other woman. He had met her a couple of times and in fact she came over and I met her. But I maintained I wasn't happy with how their 'friendship' started and didn't want it to continue. We agreed he would never see her without my knowledge and he would only talk to her twice a week (which was still way too much for me, but you gotta start somewhere and I didn't feel it was fair for me - the original cheater - to put strong rules in effect). About a month ago I figured out there was a possibility he may have met her. I confronted him and he admitted he had and that he wanted to tell me. Two days later he admitted to yet another meeting. He maintains there's no sexual contact - they're 'just friends' and I do believe that. Two weeks ago I accessed his phone records and found out that he, since the beginning of their 'friendship' has been talking to her on an almost daily basis and on most days, more than once a day. I'm devastated. And although I know what I did was way worse, this hurts no less. I confronted him and he denied it until I put the 28 pages of phone records in his face. Then I called her and confronted her. She too, maintains they're 'just friends' and I'm just insecure and she can't help that I've created my own demons. We have since gone to the therapist together (once) and she maintains he needs to end the friendship. He is not willing to do so. I agreed last week that he could talk to her twice this week. I go to therapy again tomorrow, not sure if he's going with me. I've lost 10lbs in the past week and a half and sick to my stomach all the time. I know this is what I did to him two years ago and not only am I sorry for what I did, but I'm working on myself to ensure it never happens again. I just feel like he's not on the same page anymore. Why doesn't he understand this friendship is putting a wedge between us? Why doesn't see she it's an issue and back down? I don't know what to do Thanks for listening... k

[Open Eyes]

Hi kimmemom,
Sorry no one answered you, so many threads get started here, that can happen, doesn't mean no one cares.

Well, you do have a tough situation, you did cheat/affair for 8 months, that's hard.
Your b/f probably still loves you, but just can't find a way to "trust" you again. A relationship is never the same when someone is unfaithful. He probably talks to this other girl a lot because he is still emotionally confused and hurt.

You lied to him for 8 months, that's a long time, not just a "one night cheat/affair", that's a tough one. I have been in his shoes, let me say, it really hurts and "forgiving is damn hard". It really took something from me that I never really ever got back and whenever I have a fight with my husband, I have horrible nightmares. It doesn't matter how much my husband tells me he loves me, how sorry he is, it still hurts, it just does. If my husband had cheated for 8 months? I would not have been able to get back together with him, it would have been too much for me.

I am sorry but I can't blame him for struggling and it sounds like he needs to talk about it a lot, so he was very hurt.

OE

[curley]

Hey Kimmie, I have got to say I appreciate your clear posting. I totally understood what you were saying and what you were asking. LOL Surprised you did not get a lot of replies.
Anyway....If your b/f still wants to be friends with this woman, and you have had the privilege of meeting her....then why cant you be in on all their communication??? Why cant you be involved in whatever friendship they may have. Why doesnt she call and talk or text with you?
If you say that you believe their relationship is platonic then I can only say, ok, you are probably right. I usually have a gut feeling and I am thinking you may too.
I am really confused why your b/f wants to hide their text.
I understand the trust thing too. He is not sure he can ever trust you because of the affair. I know it takes a while to earn back trust. But to me he is blowing it as far as trust goes.
You do have a complicated situation and I appreciate that fact that you recognize your part in it, but.....I think you are right....you should all be friends and all talk and text, or else he needs to be totally honest. He should say oh I heard from ____ today and show you the text or tell you he heard from her and what she wanted.
The trust thing is suppose to be both ways no matter who started the issue in the first place.
Goooooood Luck to you

Originally Posted by curley

You do have a complicated situation and I appreciate that fact that you recognize your part in it, but.....I think you are right....you should all be friends and all talk and text, or else he needs to be totally honest. He should say oh I heard from ____ today and show you the text or tell you he heard from her and what she wanted.

I'm not entirely sure requiring your boyfriend to report back ever detail of his activities is fair; what if the tables were turned? I would never put up with that in a MILLION YEARS from anyone. Requiring someone to report their activities in detail actually signifies a great deal of mistrust in THEM... so I'm just suggesting there is likely a middle ground here that can be found.
I don't think it is unreasonable for a boyfriend to have female friends.

I have a lot of male friends, some who are VERY dear to me. I don't feel they all have to be buddy buddy with the love of my life.
if my boyfriend had a significant problem with that and refused to budge, the boyfriend would go, not the friend.
I appreciate that the particular circumstances are unique here, but ultimately trust IS given both ways- when you give it, you are demonstrating that the other person can trust you too.

...

I would question, in a very honest way, what your boyfriend would see himself getting out of a relationship where he says he doesn't know that he'll ever trust you again and has major doubts about the relationship- but then doesn't show much effort through behavior or actions in getting that trust or a sense of solidarity back again.

That is: he feels you two can never be the same again but then, almost to encourage this, engages in many behaviors that breed distrust and feelings of separation.

It's very confusing.
Maybe he doesn't actually know what he wants from the relationship, or maybe he is in a state where he can only see it as being successful if it is EXACTLY as it was before.

And I hate to be harsh- but after what you two have been through- it will never be exactly the same.

Not to say it will not be good, or even great, wonderful.
But you both probably need to just start over, with different ways of communicating, and a different trust framework. One that needs to be completely rebuilt. Neither of you can actually rely on any trust, pretty much, that you had before anything happened that broke what you had.

I'm not sure if this is making sense, but your relationship in the future has to be fresh and new and a complete evolution from what it was. Otherwise, you are falling back into old ways that lead you both to the negative events which pushed you apart.

If he, or you, expect things to ever be "exactly as they were"... that may be the first obstacle you face?

They can still be great, but maybe your expectations need to change.
And if he wants to be with you, he needs to put in work as well. No matter where any blame may or may not lay.

It's going to be hard, yes.
Not impossible. I wish you luck. <3

[healingme4me]

You know what. Yes, you cheated. Yes, you owned up to it. Yes, you are in therapy, working through your own things. Yes, I agree, with your therapist. And, even if, this isn't a physical relationship, clearly, he is seeking out things in that relationship, that I would imagine, you can offer him yourself, in the relationship, hence, my personal impression, of an emotional affair, which, those alone, are just as damaging to relationships, as physical affairs. So, if he met her, right around the same time, you met the person you had, an affair with, and she is/was going through a divorce, then instead of being compassionate to you, as his gf, tells you that it's your 'demons' and insecurities, puhleeze!

If he is serious, about learning to rebuild trust in you, and you are being very clear in your needs, from him, then, clearly, at this stage, he isn't respecting you and the relationship isn't being the priority, his *ahem* friendship, with her, is now taking the top tier, so it appears.

[wife22]

Hi k
The problem in the relationship is not only to fall in love but to keep the love and thAt takes some work . First elation of being in love does not last long ,but what is important is trust ,emotional connection,which feed your love on daily basis. He has been there for you while you shared emotional connection with someone else.give him time,he goes through the same,maybe worse,since men tend to take betrayal as offense to their masculinity and surely trust.if he loves you he will find the way to come back,but you can not do it forcefully .he has to come to terms with his own desire to share with you emotionally and physically.
Do not interrogate him,that will push him away.love him
Good luck

[healingme4me]

I agree, about the interrogation, aspect. Sure, he needs time to heal from something that happened 2.5 years ago.

At the same time, he agreed to 2 days a week, contact with a woman he dated while he'd kicked you out of the apartment that you shared together and now, he's resorting to 'lieing' about all these extra days, that he is 'friends' with a woman that he 'dated'.

I can appreciate, why you resorted to finding the phone records that far exceeded the two days agreed upon contact with this other woman.

How much is he going to make you 'pay' for your mistakes???

[Open Eyes]

Well, I disagree with others because it could be that your b/f is struggling with his self esteem, being hurt, and trusting. I was "hurt" myself and it was very hard on me too. After all, he stood by you through your hardships and you betrayed him, that just hurts, I know this first hand.

He probably has some things in common with this other woman going through a divorce. It could be that she was "betrayed" and "hurt" too. IMHO, he should be working with a therapist aside from a relationship counselor that you are seeing together.

He may be talking to this woman friend because he is still struggling and grieving and she "comforts" him in a way you can't right now because "you" hurt him.

My guess is he is probably asking, "why can't I just trust her again", "why do I keep hurting", "I love her but I am still hurt and I don't know what to do about it", "forgive her?, I can't seem to let go of the hurt and feeling so violated". Those were constant questions that I struggled with.

OE

[Perna]

I trust myself and I trust my husband. He and I are married and in a known, committed relationship. If we were dating again (we dated/lived together 5 years while he was getting a divorce) and I started another relationship and he started one, any coming together again would be a "new" relationship for me. When I was dating my husband, he was married and separated from his wife during that early time and I lived through that, suggested he go to marriage counseling with his wife to make sure there was nothing there, etc. His ex-wife and I are good friends now; I know her mother and sister, etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that one cannot decide for another person who is in their life, who is important to them and how their other relationships should work. If you love this man and want to be with him, I would embrace all of him and his entire life as he is running it. If you want things to operate in a way that is comfortable for you, that does not really allow for other people and their needs and desires. Your boyfriend is not the same person he was 8 years ago. You are not the same person you were 8 years ago. The relationship is not the same relationship.

I would want to be there in a friendly, companionable way for my husband and attract him to being with me because I was who he wanted to be with. My husband has his own life, ties to his friends and family for his reasons and needs and I do not want him to abruptly sever them because it is what I want/need. When we are at family get-togethers with his ex-wife, sons, etc. I realize his ex-wife's and his relationship has its own dynamic; we have been married for 24+ years now (and lived together dated 5 before that) and that dynamic is part of him. This woman will always be a "part" of your boyfriend. He may at some time cease calling and seeing her but neither you nor he can just "stop" what has been there. Look at the time you took to end your relationship with the other man but, the relationship still happened and still had/has an impact on you and there is no way to change that. The relationship is part of you now. I would use that experience to help myself grow to become a warmer, kinder, more compassionate and understanding person able to see there is no all or nothing, finished, neat borders nature to relationships; they only exist in the now and are only what both people make of them together.

[Angel of Bedlam]

This is a sticky situation. The only thing I will say is that he can't justify his contact with that girl because you cheated. If you agreed to work it out than he needs to forgive you and move with you forward- not justify his behavior because you cheated so that gives him a pass on considering your feelings. I wouldn't back down, you aren't wrong. He either needs to stop talking to her or you both need to consider ending the relationship in my opinion. The only thing that's going to come out of this in it's current circumstance is the same unhealthy pattern of both of you betraying trust. Just how I see it. I do hope it works out though!

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[kimmiemom]

Thank you so much for your replies. Please know I read them ALL, not just what I want to hear. I am known for being a pretty open person. My best friend was my ex's ex-fiance. We've been friends since my ex and I started dating and we're all good friends now. People don't understand that, but I never needed to be suspicious or jealous because they were always transparent. It's not so in this case.
In fact a couple of weeks before I found out about their meeting, I was considering inviting her over for dinner on her next trip to our area. I thought we could break some ice and all be on the same page. After what I've found out, that will never happen, she will never be a friend of mine. No one will ever get away with talking to me like that and for him to not step in to my defense is very disappointing.
I caused a lot of pain and hurt to him. I get that, I'm working on that. Through therapy I now understand what was going on, what I was missing and how my childhood affected me. It was the 'perfect storm' of feelings, lack of feelings, etc that caused the affair. Now that I know this, I know what I need to do to keep it from happening again. That's a step toward us healing this relationship.
He is going to therapy with me this week and I'm hoping we will be able to make a breakthrough with regard to his anger towards me. I know it won't be pretty, but it's okay. I'm doing everything I can to remain positive and approach things with love. I know negativity will get us nowhere. It's so hard to be positive though when I feel like I have to check phone records and ask questions all the time.
Thank you all again for your replies.