[middie]

Have started a new thread..........would appreciate your thoughts.....middie x

Heard from my partner's father this evening.......He started phone call saying that he had seen his son today.......that he is very poorly and has had a nervous breakdown.....

I asked if he was in hospital....he said no that he was in a professional environment being helped by professionals.

I am so confused now and don't know what to think.......his next line to me was could he come collect the key to his flat...clothes ....rucksack.....case etc as his son was unable to make decisions for himself and he needed to get into his flat to sort things for him.

I said I only have a spare key and his son had his own main keys and did he not have them ......he didn't answer me just asked if he could come get them.....I repeated same as I did the other day that he was welcome to I would get together what I could but as I had hurt my back during fall I have been advised not to lift and bend and to rest and I was seeing physio etc....he said that he understood ........I asked him if his son had told him that he had knocked me over which resulted in my fall.......he didn't answer me.

I explained that his son only came with a few clothes and that there was 2 years of clothes here that I had bought his son......including suits and shirts etc for him to attend interviews and that there was quite a considerable amount of clothes boots and shoes etc to pack.......and I said that I would pack what I could for him to collect thursday.

I am so confused and don't understand at all.....

His son was very calm with me on the telephone a week on sunday arranging to come over to talk etc and bring his mobile over....saying he loves me and baby ...then monday he is staying with friends and no contact whatsoever with me........then he is having a nervous breakdown and unable to make decisions for himself ????

[hannabee]

oh middie, I'm sorry but could this be a ploy to get his key from you and perhaps leave an opening for him to return to you and your situation. I don't know if parents are in on it or also being fooled by his erratic behavior. The father is not being very honest with his answers...is it possible your bf tried to kill himself, tho? I think I would require more in depth answers from the parents. Would talking with his mother provide you with more info? Praying for this all to come to a clear conclusion...this drama is not good for you or the baby.

[1776]

All I can add to this conversation is my personal experience with breakdown. I crashed inside of an hour. It doesn't take long to go from functioning to basketcase. One minute I was working, the next minute I was delusional and demanding to go home.

It was very embarrassing. I ended up losing my job of 23 years because I was psychotic and didn't realize it. It was my first episode.

[middie]

Thanks Hannabee........I am finding it difficult to get any information or answers to my questions......its very difficult to talk to his dad he just gives enough to let you know but no more that that......he is supposed to be coming down on thursday to collect his sons things......my mother and sister will be here and I feel it would be beneficial to invite him and and try and find out exactly what has been going on and what is to happen now.

I have been living with their son for the past two years my mother and sister have seen and spent more time with their son than they have.....so it is not unreasonable to expect some clear and honest answers.

I am angry as it was me and my mother that went up to his flat on the wednesday......after my partner did not come see me on the monday.......his mother had said she had been calling him and texting him but no answer......the father had gone out for the evening for a pub quiz and yet his mother said they were concerned about him .....so concerned that they let me at 8 months pregnant go up to his flat at 10.30pm at night with my mother......and I told his mum that I was going up there to make sure he hadn't done anything silly.

Its like I said in my previous postings ....if you were that concerned about your son you would not let him return to his flat like that alone or go stay with friends....you would ask him to stay with you at your home.

Sadly the mother I feel is just like the father not telling anything but the bare minimum......they must have known he wasn't staying with friends locally so why tell me that......but where is he staying as they said he had not been hospitalised......and why did they not tell me sooner......???

I don't understand the fixation with his key .....he won't stay in the flat....he hates it ....he told me it holds too many bad memories for him. He has keys himself that he could give his father to use???

Its like he is saying I am hurting and I am trying to hurt you by taking keys, clothes and no contact.

If that was case then why tell me ....the last thing he said to me was that he loved me and the baby.......I just don't understand any of it.......I don't understand them???

His mother has mental health problems and she leaves the home very rarely......doesn't answer the telephone if she is having a bad day.......maybe its a familiar thing???

I don't understand it all.....I said that If he was honest with me we could work it out and work through it all.....arranged for him to come see me on the monday......do I just take it that he wants it over.....after all he refuses contact.....wants his key and belongings.....doesn't appear to care enough to even pick up a telephone to see how I am........is this a ploy by him to get us all worrying about him and chasing after him again for him to just throw it back in our faces and refuse any contact???

I am sick of it all....its so emotional......my emotions are all over the place and I think its wrong .....wrong for the baby....I fear that if I continue I am likely to face a nervous breakdown myself .......however, I can't do that as I have baby and other children and responsibilities to take care of......x

[middie]

Originally Posted by 1776

All I can add to this conversation is my personal experience with breakdown. I crashed inside of an hour. It doesn't take long to go from functioning to basketcase. One minute I was working, the next minute I was delusional and demanding to go home.

It was very embarrassing. I ended up losing my job of 23 years because I was psychotic and didn't realize it. It was my first episode.

I am so sorry to hear your story.......do you mind me asking what caused this and how did you recover.......you should not feel embarrassed at all ......mental illness is so difficult.....and that is something I do not understand as I don't know why my partner didn't come speak to me about it and I could have tried to help him in some way if I could.....I have tried to give every opportunity and reached out to him......but to no avail.......x

[1776]

One of my patients said something that sounded bizarre to me. Suddenly I snapped (my brain). I finished checking on my patients, then called my supervisor and asked to go home. It was all I could do to remain calm.

I haven't fully recovered. I've lost significant memory function. I'm paranoid and I hear a voice in my head that isn't my own.

[middie]

I am sorry to hear that....it must have been a very frightening experience for you.....are you getting help and support for this???

Is it stress related??.............x

[1776]

Yes, I'm medicated and in therapy.

I believe it was partially related to stress, yes, but there were other factors I don't want to discuss.

[Open Eyes]

((middie)),

I am very sorry you are going through this very confusing situation. There must be something not right "mentally" going on because this situation is just not normal at all.
It may very well be that the father is telling the truth and really doesn't know much more then he is telling you. It sounds like there is already mental illness going on in that family with the way the mother is.

I am sorry, it is so normal to be wondering what is going on, cant blame you for that at all. It just may take some time before you are able to finally learn the truth.

I am glad you have your own family that is supportive right now. This could take some time to finally sort out and understand, the important thing is to do your best to remain calm and focus on self care and doing what you need to do for the health of your new little girl.

((Hugs)))
OE

[healingme4me]

I would withhold the spare key. Surely, you won't get answers, from them. Do you know, if he has any addiction issues? If your ex's family, is closed mouthed, that's one way to 'cover it.' My dad and stepmum, can be closed off, to disclosing truth. One time, this summer, I happened to get lost, in the biggest city, close to me, and I drove by a hospital, that I knew their daughter, my half-sister, had been in. They said, due to diabetes, but there was a sign right under the hospital sign, stating a behavioral health hospital. That could have been for any variety of reasons, she'd landed in the hospital, when she did, not necessarily 'their story'.

I have concluded in life, I will never get a completely truthful story from them, no matter how much I desire it.

Pack what you can. He has keys. Let him, give them the keys, and pack his stuff for him. You are a few weeks away from delivery, *geesh*.

[middie]

Yes I do know that he was made redundant he said from a job and then fell into a spiral of smoking pot for a long while and depression.....I am not sure if his parents are aware of that (the smoking part) although I am sure that they must have been. I think they are aware that he had depression and had been seeing counsellors.

They asked him to leave their home when he was at at the local college (?18) as he would not live by their rules and I am sure that he was doing the same thing then. He went to live in a house with lots of people living in and he was living with and had a relationship with a woman with a small child (he was not the father)......it was kinda like an open house where many different people stayed there and from what I can gather they didn't work much and smoked alot. She left to move to Ireland he said.

He has also lived with and had a relationship with a woman older than I am when he was very young.....so I suppose he has a history of wanting to be mothered.

The father seems adamant that he wants this key and clothing. I will make him come in and wait whilst I get the things and have my mother and sister here. I will make sure that I try and ask questions and find out as much information as I can.

I would be embarrassed if my son behaved like this and I had to go round to his partners home and do his dirty work.

I really don't feel his son has been honest with him at all and is giving selective information to his parents.

The fact that I am weeks away from delivery seems to escape them all. When I said about me being on rest and seeing physio for my back due to the fall and not being able to pack his things.......he said could I ask my daughters to do it ???

My eldest works 12hr shifts and the other one is doing A levels and has exams this week......she is also the daughter that witnessed his son knock me over and then she had to come pick me up as his son was trying to drive off in the car and did nothing to help me......I know the answer I would get from her if I asked her to help me pack his things....I don't think I can repeat it on here! I did not tell his father this.

I just think it extreme that he cannot make decisions for himself as his father says ......and yet he can remember exactly what he wants his father to collect for him........I work in the medical field and if he were in such a state I am sure that they would have hospitalised him........his father said he had not been.

IN THE TWO YEARS i HAVE LIVED WITH HIS SON......HE HAS SHOWN NO SIGNS OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION.....FEELING IN LOW IN MOOD.....like I say I am medical and would have seen this.....even when he lost his job......I understand that relationship breakdown can cause this...............however it does not happen literally overnight.

I will think on the key thing......although I think that will be the first thing his father will want when he comes over. I think that his son is using the key thing to make a statement more than anything and I am cross today...... x

[middie]

Have just got off the telephone with my partners father.......

He is now saying that he is in the hospital.....that his son has asked not to tell anyone where.....and he is in a difficult position in respecting his sons wishes. He said he saw him there on sunday.

I asked if he has been staying at friends like he said......he said no that his son told him he was ......and then his father told me he was.

He had in fact taken himself to GP and GP had admitted him and he had been there since.

So he isn't telling his parents the truth either.

I said that I did not understand how he had spoken to me quite logically and calmly on sunday and then all of a sudden he needed admitting. Or why he said that he loved me and baby and wanted to sort things out on monday and then didn't show up and left me thinking he wanted noting to do with us........and then I was left thinking that he was with friends and still wanted nothing to do with us.

His father said that he had said something about not being believed but his father did not know as he did not know what had led upto this.

I then told him about his work colleague and seeing him get into her car.....the mobile phone and knocking me over and my daughter seeing it all. Him hiding his mobile and keeping it in the car and not answering calls when I am around. Him arranging for the same colleague to collect him and drop off when she lived out of the way and declining me taking him and picking him up. I explained him being so consumed in getting his mobile off me that he knocked me flying backwards to the ground and my daughter had watched it all and had come running to help me up a his son had just tried to drive off in the car and then when that wasn't possible had walked away and that it had shocked me that he had seen me lying on the floor in pain and he had walked away. He thanked me for telling him my side of things........he said that his son had told him none of the details.

I said to him I may have been completely wrong.....I had told his son that but I had said without answers to my questions what could I do???? I was expecting his son to come give me those answers on monday and he hadn't bothered and what was I to think??

He said that when he had tried to broach things with his son on sunday by telling him that he had heard from me and that the scan had shown that the baby was ok that he had just broken down crying and that he could not even talk to him about everyday things gently without him breaking down.

I explained that I would and could quite easily like to take myself off somewhere to breakdown however I was having to take on the responsibilities of us both for my family and the baby and preparing for the baby in every way at the moment and it was all taking its toll on my health and that of the baby.

I explained that I was having to plan practically for the birth and his son not being there as he would not have any contact with me........I explained that I could be induced at 38 wks due to high risk pregnancy and that I was having to arrange someone to be with me as my mother is away abroad at that time and unable to be with me........I told him that I was assuming his son either couldn't or did not want to be there at the birth.......he said that he would try and discuss this with his son and would see how he was over next few days .....weeks etc to see if he could cope with these decisions.

I said that his son had been living with myself and my family for past two years and that he could have contacted us or come here monday and we would have helped him if he felt that he could not cope etc

Its sad that he felt he could not turn to his parents and tell them at the time or us.

Anyway I ended the call by saying that he could come here tomorrow at 3pm to collect his things .....I said that I had packed what I could.

That is all I can do now make alternative arrangements for the birth and support during this time and leave door open for him to be involved if or when he wants.

I will not contact them again now.....if they want to know anything they can contact me they know I maybe induced at 38 weeks. If their son wants to let me know where he is or to be involved then he can contact me.

I doubt I will hear from his parents or him again.

Sorry for rant but have had enough of all this now and need to take time out and start relaxing and enjoying what should be an exiting time.......sad thing is I have done everything possible to contact my partner and reassure him that if he was honest It would be ok .......about possible cheating .......reassure him that he is welcome to be a part of my life and that of his daughters..........sadly without contact and input from him thats all I can do x

[1776]

middie,

It's important to take care of yourself first. You've make a great effort to help these people. I think you've made the right decisions and been more than kind in this.

[middie]

thanks for your support......

I have packed my partners case as if for hospital......with wash and shave things etc and pyjamas and clothes and shoes etc.....I have put in some tobacco etc as he won't be able to go buy some ( I doubt that his father will think of these things) and sent magazines and chocolate.

I have put a card inside for my partner just saying that I am thinking of him with a little verse that basically says : when life is tough we all need someone to talk to and that I am always here to listen as a friend.

I cannot help but be myself and I wish him well and hope that he gets the professional help he needs to help him to heal and get better and well again.

I just wish that his father had told me sooner as he must have known before this that his son had been admitted to hospital......I have to just hope that one day when he is healed and feels well enough he will contact me.....the he will think of his daughter and want to see her. I love him deeply.......if he wanted to talk I would go and see him........I will just pass that onto his father but I understand that he probably cannot cope with that at the moment and I just have to let him get better and think about what he wants.

His no contact and his parents telling me he was staying at friends led me to believe that he was with friends and not caring about me or baby. When in fact he was in a bad place mentally and was hospitalised......

I knew there was something not adding up and that he had no friends he could stay with and that there must have been a reason that he did not come to speak to me on that Monday. when I went up to his flat with my mum on the weds and thurs I had spoken to his mum and asked her if we should notify the police as I thought this was out of character for him to behave like this and she had text me no that he was probably staying with friends and then the next day she had text me that she had heard from him and he was staying with friends......I should have listened to my gut instinct and continued to check the flat as he was probably there in a bad way or had gone to gp and had been admitted.

My emotions have been through the ringer lately and I hope some peace and calm preside now before the birth of our daughter and that he gets the help he needs to get better and be the father my daughter deserves................x

[Open Eyes]

((middie)),

I am very sorry you are dealing with all of this, especially at this very delicate time. I think you need to let go and concentrate of yourself though. From everything you have said, this bf has been troubled for a while and was just good at hiding it from you. And given his parents basically kicked him out at 18 and that is really a delicate time, it just doesn't sound like he has really ever grown up.

It really sounds like he is very confused and "he" doesn't really have any answers either.
He can't "tell you or explain" because he probably doesn't even know how.

I am wondering if his mother was dysfunctional and he never really had a healthy mothering and he is looking to fill that void with older women. If that is the case, that is something "very deep" and often not even understood by the one suffering.

Well, you are not going to know that for some time either, so it is just better you focus on your own health and that of your child.

In the meantime, you can vent as much as you need to here, we will all support you as best as we can.

Keep us posted though too.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[middie]

yes OE his mother had his older sister and then carried a baby that sadly died quite late on in pregnancy and then gave birth to him..........he said that she had always had mental health problems .....she struggled with her nerves and found it difficult to leave the home.......

I feel for her it must have been devastating losing your baby......i think it was quite traumatic for her.............x

[Open Eyes]

Oh yes, that can be traumatic. Well, children pick up mixed signals when a parent has certain kinds of mental health issues and hibernates. They just don't understand, probably the father was not much help either, it doesn't seem like he really connected with his parents, sad.

[hamstay]

Middie, you are so strong, even in the midst, you are concerned of all the others <3
Ps, I posted in your other thread too, if you wish to read.
Take care, stay strong
Hugs to you

Sent from my C6603 using Tapatalk

[middie]

Just an update.....

I telephoned my partners parents yesterday as I had not heard from them all week, since his father went to see him again, in hospital last weekend.

I spoke with his mother first, who said that she had been too unwell to go and see him in person. Although she said that her husband had been to see him last weekend and in the week. She said they had been thinking about me and the baby and were going to call me that evening to see how things were going and give me an update about my partner.

His mother asked his dad to call me that evening, when he returned from the hospital. He did later in the evening and said that there had been an improvement in my partner. He is on two medications and the doctor had increased one of them in the week.

His father said that he wasn't as insular as he had been and had been asking how family members were. He had also asked how I was and the baby. His father had asked him if I could go see him and he had said that he was frightened that it would affect his recovery and set him back at the moment. He said that he was nervous and felt it was going to be very difficult to see me.

Although his father had said that he was moved at the things I had sent for him from home. He said that he was very grateful and that he had gone to the hospital shop and purchased a card that he said he was going to write to me.

His father asked if I had received anything yet. I told him no I hadn't and he said well that is just like his son, he would probably take a little time as he would think a great deal about what to write before he felt it was right to send it to me. That is just how he is and his personality. I understand that.

I updated his father about the scan I had recently and that I could see our daughter sucking he thumb on the scan and taking practice breathing movements and he said that he would be seeing his son again this week, on Wednesday, as it is his birthday. I asked him to tell his son about the last scan to to pass on to him that I am having another scan in two weeks and that the baby is breech and they will offer to turn the baby in a few weeks if baby remains breech. He said he would and that when he had talked about the baby and myself last time, his son seemed happy to talk about us on did not get so emotionally upset this time and seemed genuinely interested to talk about us.

His father will call here on Wednesday before he goes to the hospital to collect some cards and presents myself and my family have for his sons birthday. He ending the call by asking if I still wanted to go and see his son. I replied yes. So its just a waiting game again. His father also said that he spoke to staff there and they said that he medication is kicking in now and he should be better over next week or so and they are looking at discharge to the community then. I asked his father if he would go to there home and he said no probably the flat. I know that he hates the flat as it holds so many bad memories and I am concerned that he will deteriorate if he goes back there.

I am trying not to read into things or try and work things out as I don't know how he is feeling or what is going through his mind. The information I am getting is still out of date and is being relayed through his parents, so its difficult to understand things. I am just trying to carry on at home and keep things going and take care of myself and my family, and also be patient. I don't really know how I am feeling about things myself and am just using the time apart to think about things and how I feel. I don't even know if he is moving on now and I may have to face that and the fact that I may not even see him again face to face. So I have to keep that in my mind and also that he may have been seeing his work colleague and the mobile phone and internet stuff could have been true and have contributed to the breakdown. Or it could not have been and me not believing him and saying it was over between us could have contributed to it too.

[hannabee]

Well, sounds like you may have a better update by Wed. If baby doesn't turn I guess it's a C-section for you then, no labor, that's good! My first was breech, but back then, they didn't know until after I'd been in labor for 20 hours or so. Lucky that technology has changed things, in that respect.
Please keep us posted as to when you may be going in! Take care of yourself. Hugs!

[middie]

No....I think I will try avoid a c/section and try for a normal delivery. Its my fourth baby and I had the others all normal deliveries. The recovery from a c/section will take about a year and I will be doing this on my own (ok have family support) but its not the same as having a partner at home, so the quicker the recovery time the better.

I won't get an update on Wednesday as his father is coming here before he goes to see his son. His father is very difficult to get information out of (I don't think he is deliberately being difficult), I think its just a mixture of him not knowing and not broaching things with his son, as he is treading on eggshells, not wanting to set him back in any way, and also, men (apologies - no sexism intended) don't relay things in the detail us ladies do lol!!! As his mother isn't going personally to see him in the hospital, then I am not getting the detail I feel that I would normally from her.

I am trying to let him know that I still care about him, whilst giving him the time and space he needs to recover. He does appear to be recovering, then the rest is up to him.

Thanks for your support x

[Puglife]

I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation. Just an FYI that a c-section recovery should not take a year. I had two and both times I was pretty okay within two weeks and fully healed and excercising by six weeks.

[middie]

Originally Posted by Puglife

I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation. Just an FYI that a c-section recovery should not take a year. I had two and both times I was pretty okay within two weeks and fully healed and excercising by six weeks.

Ahh yes, the initial wound takes 6-8 weeks but the healing of the uterus takes a year and I am 42 and would be taking care of baby by myself, I would rather avoid c/section if at all possible x

[middie]

I have been reading many articles today about nervous breakdowns and one of the causes is extreme guilt.....resulting in nervous breakdown.

I still have my gut feeling that my partner was cheating or about to.....hence why he wouldn't let me see his mobile and had deleted his internet history and applied a password to his computer.

I am still feeling like it is guilt that has resulted in the breakdown......I had told him how seeing him get into the woman's car and driving off had made me feel physically sick and he did not come the following day with his mobile and to talk. He also knocked me over to protect his mobile and that could have caused guilt too.

Maybe he knew that he would have to tell the truth and he was feeling guilty and that led to the breakdown.

That would account for why he won't see me in hospital as he says it would be very "difficult" and he feels it may "setback his recovery".

Afterall, if you had nothing to hide and were innocent wouldn't you want to see you partner and put things right between you both???

Maybe he is just seeing his father as parents care for you unconditionally and his father won't ask questions and therefore he doesn't need to face what he has done and the guilt resurface???

Things just going around and around in my head at the moment and still no answers or closure.

Still no sign of the card, that his father said that he had got to write, and give me either.

Well I am still going to be the person I am, and be true to myself and send the parcels of gifts and cards, with his father for his birthday tomorrow.

As until he speaks to me, I don't know for sure, what has happened, or what is happening.....I may have it completely wrong??

Thanks for your support x

[hannabee]

I wish that you do have it completely wrong!! Hopefully, you will have answers soon. Take care of yourself and that baby