[Lifelove]

I have been married for 8 years and we have kids together. He has never really appreciated me and I have tried so hard. I told him there were problems and he blew me off. I met this guy who built my confidence and helped me to become a strong, independent woman and my husband even noticed the change. Our talking got more and more serious and I tried to tell me husband and gives him a chance. I got nothing from him and then one night he realized that I ment that I wanted to leave him and that this other guy made me feel special. Now he wants to try, but I am not physically attracted to him and more. What should I do?

[mzunderstood79]

What do YOU need to do???? That is the question. No judgement. Been there but I am still with my husband and children and will be as long we live like I said. He doesn't know EVERYTHING I have done but he knows what I am capable of and he is really too good for me to be honest BUT....we will celebrate 17 years married on Valentine's Day. I married him when I was 17 and we have been through way more tragedy together than most suffer a life time. I do what I NEED to do with only God knowing. I may be a little "crazy" but I am a God fearing woman too which makes me wonder wth is wrong with me??? Anyway, I am rambling now. Just do what you NEED to do for yourself but more importantly for your children!!!!! But don't let go of a "sure thing" for something you don't seem too sure about. We women all like to feel special and needed and wanted, I just learned to love the one I am "with" for the man he is and he is a good man. Sorry if I rambled....I have 99 problems and this is one of them. Men, in general, are not as emotionally in tune with women.

[Haunted1]

Okay, This is hard for me to admit, but I've been there. I've been with one man my entire life. He treats me like a queen, and I adore him I love him very much, but there was a time when I wasn't IN love with him.

I met a guy, and what started as an innocent friendship grew to me becoming infatuated with this other man. During that time I felt guilty for not being faithful to my boyfriend, who found out, and repeatedly begged me to stop.

This other man made me feel like a woman, wanted, needed. I craved everything about him, and even though it was wrong I would meet him places. We never had sex, but came very close on a few occasions. My boyfriend, and I raised a boy together. I'm not this boys birth mother, but I love him like I was. I had been there through everything. He called me one night crying, because he heard I was going to leave my boyfriend, and he didn't want to lose me.

I was really torn then the man I was seeing said something cruel about "my boy" I beat the living crap out of him, and left. I haven't seen him since. It's been two years my boyfriend and I are still together. We plan on getting married. I won't say we're perfect because it's been rocky, and he has a hard time trusting me, but we both try equally hard, and it's working.

You need to decided what is right for YOU. Don't think about the two men think about what will make YOU happy. All I'm saying is that while it's hard to pick between two don't let attraction to one man lead you away from one who you might really love. There's a thin line, and walking it is hard. I'm here if you need someone to talk too.

[Jeannie82]

Welcome to the forum lifelove

It sounds like you have got a sticky situation here. I hope you will make the right decision for yourself and especially your children too. A lot of times I think us women need the men to be more emotionally in tune with us, but unfortunately that's not the case. It is also often that by the time they realize what is going on, it's too late.

We cannot expect to have them guessing what we want, therefore communication is very important. Unless you have tried several attempts and despite after a long period of time trying, he just simply doesn't care, then perhaps it's time to re evaluate the situation. Your husband seems to finally click, perhaps he wasn't sure what was actually communicated to him to start off with?

Again it seems like you are in love with this new man, but are you really in love or it's just because you are receiving the attention that you were deprived from your husband?

It's a difficult time I hope that you will finally figure it all out soon enough.

Everybody here has great information that I support. I can only add one thing and without judgement or saying what I think you should do in this decision, i hve to say one thing.

If you do decide that you are no longer in love with your husband and you work out that you are not just infatuated with this other new "love", or that you are filling a spot where your husband is lacking with another man, Please, for the Love of God, do not cheat. If you're going to be with this other man, just don't do it on the side. Do it for real if at all. being one from two marriages where women decided to leave to pursue others or following cheating, that hurts worse than if they just broke it off first.

Again, not recommending this or judging you, just saying please keep in mind that aspect, and don't fall into the trap of a double life.

[wife22]

we are just humans and we all man/woman crave touch ,attention.Unfortunately life's mundane sucks us in and we dont realize that gift of Love and being in love needs constant nurturing to bloom and exist. We get side tracked easily when we are hurt,lonely or vulnerable(many times in most marriages).I do believe everyone at one point or the other wanted out of marriage or another soul to find solace in,we all have/had an opportunity and a chance to stray from marriage. That is an easy part. But,please,stop and think. will your new man/Love make you happy once you are not with your husband,will breaking family be something you can live with without giving it a good thorough chance,will you have remorse or guilt.g. I am not judging. Like many of us here I have been in similar situation,except we've never been alone ,never touched,but i had more connection with him than my H,he spoke to me more than my H.I felt i was becoming an emotional cheater,no matter how good did it make me feel, and I rejected his friendship,It took me good 7 years to get over it,no kidding,I realized I loved him. BUT,i stayed with my kids and husband,knowing well enough that I will not cheat and survive the cheating,I will try everything to keep the family alive,I will recreate the love if i can.we've been married 16 years,and I do not regret my decision of not turning my back on my family b/o another man,Do I miss love? yes,do i think my marriage is great ?no,but again ,no regrets on that decision.
So ,think before you jump into another relationship head first,it is hard,sometimes painful. Still,some marriages dont work,but stay honest to yourself and your partners..I am not judging or saying what to do,this is just my personal experience i thought I 'd share.
good luck to you ,and happiness

[halbrooksprincez3]

This is all im going to say and it totally makes sense:



“if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” - Johnny Depp

[gayleggg]

I feel for you. I was in the same position, except I did cheat. Our marriage was rocky to say the least and I did not consider myself married to him. We didn't sleep together; we just co-existed in the same house and this was for a couple of years before I cheated. Not that, that makes what I did right. I went manic and crazy during this time. However, as it turned out I did not leave my husband. We are still married for 16 years. He totally forgave me and has stood by me during my mental illness. However, we still don't have a physical relationship and I can't say I made the right decision. If I had it to do over I would have left and maybe we could both have loving relationships now. I still am not in love with him but respect him too much to cheat again and too old to want to start over now.

I think this is a great time for you to talk to a therapist. Alone. Sort your feelings out. You've been married long enough to know if you want to stay in the marriage or get out. I think leaving things in limbo will be harsh on everyone.

You are a unique human being with your own needs and personality. It's OK to be attracted to someone else - I'd just recommend that you talk to a therapist about your marriage. And if you want to work on the marriage and stay married - ask your husband to go to couples counseling with you. If he won't then he isn't willing to work on the marriage and I think that will be a green light for you to move on.

I recommend keeping the intensity low with the guy you are attracted to...talk to a therapist, etc. If you leave your husband, it should be because you want out of the marriage...period. Boyfriend or no boyfriend. Hopefully your friend will "be there" if you divorce...but who knows as that is in the future.

I took a huge leap and left my husband after being married 16 years, together 20 years. I am much happier now ... I went through my own therapy and we attempted marriage counseling ... he lied in therapy and refused to go after 5 sessions. That told me things would not change. If this sounds like your husband - know there is a new, better life out there for you. Take care.

[healingme4me]

It's easy to be in a vulnerable situation, when something is missing, such as emotional, intimacy.

Above, was posted, if you leave, leave because of you, not another man.

I'd like to add, if you stay, stay because of you, and not because you have kids.

Each of the above two reasons aren't fair, to anyone involved.

Counseling can help.
Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[sharpie1]

New to this site, really helpful and some great blog posts by very smart people in the relationship section. I feel uneasy about all the threads here. I hate the word 'cheat' because I actually do not believe humans are monogamous. Family is such a wonderful things, so I think this is why it is worthy to keep that in tact....but I just dont think our current construct of society is ideal.

[Lifelove]

Thanks I understand and I had tried and tried talking. Then when I told him I was done and even told him I was ready to move out and leave he still didn't care until he saw this other guy texting me. I know that to break up a family is bad and that's way I am not doing this so quickly, but how much can one take? Thank you for responding.

[Lifelove]

Thank you, I have asked him to go to counseling and he says no. But you are right. I need to be able to full explain and talk to one to totally understand and I appreciated what you had to say to me.

Originally Posted by sharpie1

New to this site, really helpful and some great blog posts by very smart people in the relationship section. I feel uneasy about all the threads here. I hate the word 'cheat' because I actually do not believe humans are monogamous. Family is such a wonderful things, so I think this is why it is worthy to keep that in tact....but I just dont think our current construct of society is ideal.

The idea as you put it seems to assume that monagamy is something that should come natural? It isn't, it's a choice and a decision to make every day with your partner, wife, gf etc. Cheating is in the context of two people making a comitment to one another, and then one of them breaking the deal by going outside the relationship. "Humans" as you put it, for the most part can all fail in this way if they let themselves, this is true but it's not necessarily a good thing, even if one assumes it is natural (which I don't) to do so.

So if we look at it as making a commitment and breaking it, it is indeed a good term to use, that is, "cheating". If one wants to have multiple partners, I won't pass judgement but I will pass judgement on those that make a promise to be exclusive and then doing otherwise.