Difficulty with girlfriend's sexual history

Hi everyone! My name is Alex and I have been struggling to disregard my girlfriend's sexual history. It is strange because I never thought of myself as an insecure person and I realize that I might be over sensationalizing something trivial but I can't help feeling the way I do. I really like this girl and I want to handle this properly but on my own I find myself drifting into negativity so I scoured the internet looking for some answers when I found this forum. I am hoping to hear some of your opinions or possibly be directed somewhere that can help me out.

I am currently in a relationship with a lovely girl and we connect on many different levels so I am very excited for our future. However, recently I started to learn about her sexual history and it is making me feel uneasy. I do not expect my significant others to be virgins because that would be unreasonable and hypocritical, because neither am I, but for some reason her experiences are hard for me to cope with. She has had 13 partners, she has had a threesome with another female and another with two males, a partner more than 10 years older than her, among other things. It wasn't just the acts themselves but also how casually she approached those situations. "It just kind of happened" is usually the overarching justification. The promiscuity of it all is perplexing, but I don't want to be this judgmental.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? How did you handle it?

I can not say that I have a completely similar experience, but I find this VERY relate-able

So that being said, there are a few BLUNT points that have to be said - that you have to "confront".

1) She has a very spotty past. You have to find out if she is PAST those behaviors. If she isn't - then you do not HAVE a relationship (sorry if this is too blunt).

2) Her judgement has to be questioned - has she grown past these really bad decisions or does her trait of making bad decisions a warning flag for life decisions (not even sexual - but LIFE decisions).

3) CAN you get past those mental images? This is a lot harder of a question than the seven words. You have to be honest if that would bother you and fester in your soul....

I wish you the best. With or without this girl - I sincerely wish you the best. But speaking as an impartial observer - this girl has 2 and 1/2 strikes against her. I would question YOUR judgement if you didn't have concerns. Big concerns.

Good luck

I haven't had an SO that had a sexual history quite that extensive. I would probably be concerned too. You didn't mention how far in the past all of this was, or her age (then and now), or how long you've been together, and things like that...I think that info would have an impact on how to...judge (I can't think of a better word atm ) her behavior.
I know I had a couple 'bad years' in college that I regretted when I matured

I have had a couple of times in my life where I went overboard with the sexual exploits. Both times I was manic. I cannot trust myself when manic. I make bad and sometime dangerous decisions. I would like to say I wouldn't do any of it again but I can't be positive about that. When I'm manic there are no guarantees.

I don't know if this pertains your gf but just wanted to be honest of what can happen, even if I love the person I'm with.

You are right to be concerned.

None of are saints!!! I'll repeat that. None of us are saints!!! We all have done things that I'm sure we regret. The past is just that the past. Just because someone did something in the past doesn't mean that they will do it again.

People change; they grow up. Are you the same person that you were 5 years ago? I'm not.

But Alex, be that as it may, I do wish you the best of luck.

I agree with Jeffro above in that the past is the past. Also:

1. 13 partners really isn't that much. Seriously. I knew girls in college that would have that many in a week.
2. Choosing to participate in a couple of 3-ways doesn't necessarily make a person promiscuous, again going back to the only 13 partners total.
3. Considering the partners you've mentioned, it seems like she was a young person trying to find herself, not just a person sleeping around.

Really, the only concern I would have is when the number of partners increases, the chances of an STD go up as well and the 3-ways could have increased it. She might want to get checked just to be sure nothing bad happened there. Other than that, her choices aren't that questionable; drugs, having 20 guys pull a train on her, binge drinking ... those are questionable choices.

Overall though, I would say the only real issue is the one you are having concerning how to handle it. Don't dwell on the past; it's gone. Now is the only time to be concerned with.

Thank you for the responses everyone. It is nice to read different perspectives on this.

Me and this girl have only been dating for around 4 months so it is still a fresh relationship. I am 23 and she just turned 22. She informed me that some of these experiences happened 3 or less years ago. She has been very open with me on two separate occasions but I usually get too anxious and have to slyly divert the conversation once I can't handle it anymore. After opening up to me the first time she started crying because she was worried her confessions would end up affecting the outcome of the relationship as it has in the past.

In my mind I understand what jeffro1972 and Webgoji are suggesting in leaving the past and judgments aside because I think that is only right and fair; I am a pro-choice at my core. However, I still find myself reacting to it in the way Useless Me and FrayedEnds are with some reservations. There is a contradiction between what I believe are my values and how I am responding this situation.

With that said, I am more apt to believe that the issues lies within myself than I am to believe it lies with her. I would like to start looking inward before I start reacting outward.

I don't view this as the end all, as I believe I can move on from THIS, but my fear is that this will come up again and she will divulge more. At that point should I listen and discuss it, or stop it prematurely? I clearly can't handle it properly but I wonder if there is something to gain from that knowledge

You can deal with what you have heard up to now, but you fear that there is more to hear. What makes you think that there is or might be more to hear?

Right now I don't know what you would gain with any further discussion of her past in that way. I've been married for 13 years and won't gain anything by discussing my wife's sexual past (I don't have one so there's nothing to discuss there). Personally, I would suggest just stopping any further discussion and tell her that you don't care about her past, but that she's with you now. (Unless she was hurt somehow, then that's worth discussing.)

As far as why you think one way and react the other, attachment to another person can be a pain. We over-inflate the other person's good qualities and then balance our happiness on them. Of course, everyone is flawed so when that perceived flaw comes out, our happiness with them becomes unbalanced. It's not them, but how we internalize our image of them.

Given more time with each other I think you'll be fine and be able to better deal with this situation.

The best way to get over the feelings is to completely quit thinking about it. That's hard because I've been in the exact spot. My first post on this forum was about my girlfriend's past. Just don't talk about it anymore and get your girl to quit talking about it as well. If she didn't think you were the absolute best, she wouldn't be with you. Sometimes past events lead to the present moment. Had some things not happened, you two may have never met! Think of it with a positive attitude and when you start to get thoughts (mental images of what happened), simply repeat "It doesn't matter." to yourself.

IDK, I think I might be curious about her relationship with her father. Does she come from a divorced family? Was she just looking for love in all the wrong places? This double standard that society has between men and women in this regard, is really rather ridiculous, unfortunately, it's probably not going to change anytime soon. Just saying.

Really appreciate your responses Webgoji. Provided me with some real food for thought.

Well Bill3, I only assume there is more because I realize she doesn't have any apprehension about expressing herself sexually and there are things she has mentioned she has tried without really going into detail. I'll just leave those experiences for her and keep them as vague as possible.

I wish I could answer those questions myself hannabee but I don't know. You are right though about the double standard. If the roles were reversed I am sure these would be proud accomplishments for a guy which is why I don't want to criticize her, but instead find a way for myself to deal with it. Everyone has provided me with some good advice and I think I just need to leave it alone and better manage my insecurities.

If my boyfriend acted this way about my sexual history, there'd be absolutely no way we could be together.

If this is a subject that bothers you, don't ask. It only makes her feel judged and leaves you feeling unhappy with her history.

The most beautiful people come from the ugliest of.places on nobody is perfect. If things are good now, let them be good and don't trudge up a past that can't be changed anyway. Good luck to you!

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I am going to have to disagree with most of the others. It sounds like your girlfriend sees sex as a fun activity and does not see any reason to limit this fun activity. Strangely, a lot of people think that a woman denying herself some perfectly enjoyable exploration means that she is emotionally healthy. I have known women who slept with hundreds of men and ones who were virgins by choice into their twenties. The ones who chose to have little experience often seemed to have internalized slut shaming and had a lot of fear around being a bad, unlovable girl - the ones who did what they wanted often knew about slut shaming but choose to disregard it because they did not see why they should follow other people's opinions about what to do with their bodies. IMO that's a healthier attitude to have about yourself.

I do not see why her past experiences need to be seen as bad decisions at all. Perhaps there is the concern that she got her feelings hurt somehow? Doubtless she is emotionally present when having sex with you, and it's weird to think of her having that kind of sex with a bunch of other people. I'm guessing, though, that those experiences involved a lot more fun and games and less intensity of feeling.

Lastly, if you're worried about cheating, don't be. A person's sexual past does not make them any more or less likely to cheat when with you (unless their past involves being a cheater). She's with you because you satisfy her now.

You do seem to be aware of and fighting the double standard in yourself, so that's pretty cool. I hope it works out.

But I realized that I'm overlooking the crucial part, which is that you want to feel like she belongs to you. I think you're having trouble because you feel like she has "belonged" to a bunch of others.

Society definitely encourages that thinking, so I can see why you'd feel that way. But I think you will be much happier with her and others in the future if you try to eradicate this idea of your girlfriend being your property somehow. Then it will be easier to enjoy her as a companion who comes to you fully formed and independent, with everything that entails.

If it turns out that the feelings won't readily allow themselves to be managed, then I would suggest seeing a counselor for help with that.

Everyone has a past. All of us.

I won't judge you for this view, as I personally can relate to what you're saying. My first wife had "experiences" that bothered me very much and to tell you the truth it affected my view of her.

The thing is, I don't know how you get over such things, but what I do see is not you being judgemental but a mismatch in values when it comes to sexuality. it's not that you're necessarily saying she's not as good as you are when it comes to how you view sex but that it's different and to be honest, it may be a source of problems now and in the future. Because her past will never change, and likely her casual approach to the sexual situations may never change either. It is not our right or our place to change them so it's up to us to accept or not accept the way they are.

So the ball is in your court. The problem stems from your feeling that she is promiscuous and of course this can make you fear her being faithful to you and may even affect your view of how "pure" she is sexually. Also if she feels sex is a casual thing, does she even value the sex she has with you? soemthing that unconsciously may be going through your head.

Unless you find ways to communicate to her your concerns, you won't be able to get over these things. Find non-accusatory ways to bring it up with her and give her a chance to calm your fears/concerns about this area.

Hope this helps
~S4

If I were you I would be most concerned if she had a pattern of cheating in relationships. If these were all flings when she was single that's one thing. I'm not sure how old she is, but depending on her age 13 partners could be a lot or just average. For a lot of Gen Y and younger women these days, sleeping with a guy when they want to the way they want to is no big deal. I have a few friends who admitted to having threesomes, personally I would never do it, but I don't think it's as bad as flashing your boobs in public to a thousand guys at mardi gras. I haven't had this exact experience, but then again I'm a woman so I wouldn't. My advice though is to trust your gut. After things settle down you will either worry all the time and think she's slutting it up, or you won't... and for me my gut has always been right.

I don't understand this. I've never been bothered by my partner's past sex history. I've been adventurous sexually in my past and have quite a few notches in my bed post and I would be so wounded if my partner was bothered deeply by this.

To me, my past may be.colored but IT'S MY PAST. I've moved on and grown as a person, those things hold no meaning to me anymore. If I wanted it I'd have it. The thing is, I chose to be with my boyfriend. I chose to pursue a loving and committed relationship and to not engage in 3somes and casual sex.

To me, this should matter more than anyone I slept with before or past promiscuity. My past helped shape me but doesn't define me or my values and what I think is important. I'm sure this is the same for her. Just a thought.

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In four months time, you've come to know her sexual history, yet, cannot answer what hannabee asked?

Somebody Somebody suggested questioning her judgment, but I question yours, because for a twenty year old girl to see a thirty year old man is not out of the ordinary.

So I agree with you in that working within your own mind, alone, is the most expedient thing to do, and wish you luck.

Well I only speak from my past experience and really I'm not saying it is something I stand behind and support or anything just saying some people may have this problem I don't feel right about it, even though I do believe a big part of it was that she was promiscuous, and adulterous. I think that the fact that she continued her sexual escapades well into our marriage (of 6 yrs), was affecting the reason that I had trouble with her sexuality.

I don't think I knew it consciously right away but found out the hard way that she was cheating on me the entire time and my feelings of unease were more related to my suspicion of what she doing. I'm sure that came into play until the day I literally found out about it without a doubt.

So I guess it's more than just her past really. To be honest, from our daughter I've since found out that she has continued to live the same way.

but yeah I understand your perspective. It is judgemental but as I said if it bothers him, at the very least he needs to communicate with her about it and then work on it, most likely, himself coming to terms with her sexuality.

Just ask if she has gotten std tested. If she hasn't, encourage her to and do it yourself to show support. This is for both of your safety.

After that focus on the present. Look into mindfulness to help you stay in the present. Help her stay in the present. She trusted you enough to tell you but you can't change what happened. Its not good to worry about things that you can't change. Just breeds distrust.

Don't think it can just be "willed" to go away. It just might not be so simple.

I have been married for 25 1/2 years and my wife's sexual past IS AND ISSUE TODAY! There is no such thing as a free ride. My wife is literally unable to truly get to any reasonable level of intimacy associated with sex because she completely took a big dump on sex and still has no clue what it truly means as a part of a committed relationship.

When there is a lot of uncommitted or "casual" sex, oxytocin is released by the woman with pleasure and orgasm which is the "bonding agent" that is supposed to help bridge the the reality period immediately after the honeymoon period. When a woman "bonds" with a bunch of guys, bonding ceases to have any meaning at all. Please don't be flippant about this. My wife and I have lived it for almost 26 years and until you have done that, please don't "school" me on anything related to this. It can be an issue and you should keep your eyes open. The typical situation is that the "13 guys" translates in "girl algebra" to "25 guys." Yes, that was a reality for us too. Take care and good luck. Don't waste your life if you believe that the cause may be lost. I wish I had been given that advice...