[ifthespiritmovesme]

I don't know what to do about my situation with my daughter. She's 36 and is married and has 2 children I adore. For 25 or so years, I have put up with and tolerated disrespect, put-downs and mean behavior from her. She expects me to come to her house and spend several days over Christmas, but the thought fills me with dread, because she always finds something to criticize me about. When I have contact with her, I am extremely anxious, because I have to monitor every word I say in hope I will not inadvertently say something she can interpret as negative so she can attack and scream at me. In February, she told me that when I'd spent Christmas with her, she couldn't wait to get me out of her house, that she feels she has to protect her family from me. She expects me to come again this year, and I planned to give it another try, I am very hurt by her completely disregarding me and excluding me from her family Thanksgiving celebration. I told her I had changed my mind about coming for Christmas, and now she says I am being negative, selfish and dramatic...Actually, I am just trying to protect myself from being hurt again. How in the world do I deal with a situation I cannot win? If it were not for my grandsons, I would just walk away for good. I am wondering if I should have just gotten a dog instead of becoming pregnant....My healt is broken

[gayleggg]

I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. Your daughter is way out of line and very hurtful to you. I can understand your not wanting to subject yourself to torture at Christmas. It will be a shame not to see your grandsons on Christmas. I knowyou will miss them. My heart goes out to you.

[mzunderstood79]

How far away does she live?? If it isn't far, I would go just for a day but if it requires travel, you would need to at least stay a night. That is what I would do. Hope that helps and you figure out what to do. Best wishes

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thank you both for you kind replies. She lives only an hour and 15 minutes away, but says that the 2 1/2 hours on the road round trip is just too much time for her to spend to see me. I don't have a car. I see my grandsons maybe 2 times a year, when I find a way to go to see them, or when she needs a babysitter so she can go on vacation. I am a disabled veteran, being treated for depression since forever, have PTSD from my military experiences, and ADD which makes it hard to do anything well. I have often wondered what horrible thing I ever did to her in childhood to make her hate me and punish me every chance she gets. She has just sucked the joy out of my life. I'm having trouble eating and can't keep anything down now for 3 days. Spending most of my time in bed, shaking inside and out. The past few months I had made so much progress creating a good life for myself, finding reasons to continue living. You would think, knowing all the trauma I have experienced in my life, she would not be so disrespectful and mean. She just thinks I'm weak because I need help for my mental issues. I don't know- maybe I'll just finally give her the Christmas gift she really seems to want and do away with myself.. If I can't eat, maybe that will happen without my even trying. I've stopped using my CPAP and hoping I'll just die in my sleep. I am barely functioning.

[Travelinglady]

I am sorry you and your daughter are not getting along. Please don't do yourself in, though. You have a life of your own, and it doesn't need to revolve around whether your daughter is happy with you.

If you are serious about wanting to kill yourself, then please call for help--either a local number or a national one. I suggest you look at the Depression forum here. It has a sticky at the top with such phone numbers.

You mentioned that you are getting help with your mental issues. Are you seeing a counselor? I think that would be a good idea, if you haven't been already. Your depression seems to be getting quite strong.

I am only hearing your side of the story, so I don't know how accurate your daughter's perceptions are. However, assuming you are not actually being critical and unaware of it, you might consider that your daughter could have some mental problems herself. It certainly sounds like she needs some therapy to deal with her anger from her childhood.

I agree that you should limit your time with your daughter. It sounds like she has mixed feelings about your visit, and you could say you went to see them, but didn't wear out your welcome.

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thanks so much for your concern. I am seeing a psychiatrist, and he has done wonders for me. I've fought depression most of my life, and in the past couple of years have made great progress in creating the life I want. It is still difficult for me to figure out what I want...I am so far removed from any dreams I may have had. But, I am getting there. I have attempted suicide once at the age of 19 or so, and have been hospitalized several times for suicidal desires. However, I now know that I have value, and it is no longer an option for me. (Even though I sometimes feel as if it would sure put an end to my pain) I do know that whatever problem my daughter has with me is just that - her problem. I do hope that she will honor her promise to enter counseling with me, but I'm not counting on it. Either way, I will continue to strive to find my purpose and foster an attitude of gratitude, love and compassion in my life. I am very fortunate to have a doctor who I can call for support if I ever get too close to giving up. I know that taking care of myself is my first priority, and I have pulled out my reserves and gotten busy doing exactly that. I ate a good dinner tonight, spent some time walking a friend's dog, and talked with my sister in Mich. I feel much better now and I know that I am strong enough to deal with this issue without losing myself. Between now and Christmas, I will decide on a way to handle her attacks without internalizing them and letting them hurt me. I will enjoy the time with my beautiful grandsons, and I'll be sure to pack my Xanax!
I do so thank everyone who has :listened: and cared. I'm so glad I found this forum.

[Little Lulu]

What a great attitude you have! And good to hear that you are working your way through this. Family relationships are the most challenging ones we have.

I am not proud of this but I cut my father out of my life for a time when I was younger for reasons that seemed warranted at the time. We patched things up and I am so glad we did because he died three years ago. I even had an 80th birthday celebration for him at his church a year before he died. He was so happy and proud that day!

What I learned from this experience was that cutting someone off did not work for me ... it just made ME feel bad. I realize your daughter is inappropriate with you and it seems like a heavy cross to bear but you don't have to do it alone ... you have a good psych doc and friends on this board to commune with. Hugs to you.

[ifthespiritmovesme]

Thanks so much Little Lulu! I've already developed a positive strategy for dealing with her, should the need arise. If she says hurtful things, I'll just sweetly tell her what a nice thing to say, and thank her. Maybe that tact will get her to examine her motives a bit. At least it gives me a way to eliminate my own hurt and stress! Just remembering that I am the one in charge of my emotions,,
Hugs back

[Lonely_90]

Have you talked to your daughter about this?? Maybe tell her that she is being hurtful, she may not realize. Maybe get a hotel room where she lives, takeaway taxi to and from??

Hope things get better <3

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[ifthespiritmovesme]

Yes, we've discussed this many, many times. She doesn't think she has a problem......I hope she follows through on her promise to go to counseling with me. She needs a neutral 3rd person to convince her....Thanks for your good hopes for us!

[healingme4me]

So your daughter expressed, it's ok for her to talk to you like this? I went a decade without contact to my dad. Because of hurtful things he, the stepmother, and halfsister(16 yrs younger than me) were saying. He contacted me, after I had my first child. But, one thing I don't do, nor have been in habit of, is snarky tones, spewing hatred at world at him, or even my mom, in ways that implied/imply a waffling of wanting them here one minute/gone the next.
Does your daughter, give moments of kindness? Is she open mouth, insert foot or just eternally angry?

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[AstoriaQueen]

She should be so lucky to have you around...my mom just moved 800 miles away and I'd give anything to have her back. Your daughter needs to know what it feels like to NOT have you so easily accessible...maybe then she'll realize her behaviour and how its affecting your relationship with her. I understand the grandchildren come into play and you dont want to miss out on them, but sometimes you must put your needs before hers, since she's not even considering how you fee...for 25 years! Is this the example she wants to set for her children? I'm sad for you... ((hugs)) (sorry i'm new here..just wanted to let you know that )