[lightinthesky]

Hi all, I am new here so I am sorry if I do anything wrong.I am having the worse period in my life and I want to do my best to get better but so far.. nothing changes. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, he was my first love, first everything. I hope it makes sense if I say that I really loved and love that person, we were going to get married next year. He was a drug addicted and for the past 7 years of his life he was on methadone "treatment" program. In country where we lived it was too easy for him to get more when he wanted it, so there was no control. Drugs were making him lazy, tired, unhappy sometimes, it was very hard for him to start doing something with his life (like better job or education) while he was on drugs.
This summer we decided to ask his family for help so they would pay for his rehab and they were more than happy to help. He had to go to Iran with his dad and do it over there, I stayed at home in our apartment, we were on the phone every day, he was saying how much he is missing me/loves me, he was saying that doctors tell him that he is better of changing his life a little and maybe move some place different, but he was promising that he will come back to me coz he can't he can't without me. I waited and waited, it took over 2 months. Finally, one day he called me saying "I am sorry, I am not coming back" he said he is a different person now and he wants different things, that he doesn't love me, that I should never trust a drug addict.
It killed me, in many ways. Pain was and is so big that I just can not find any words to describe it. Our relationship were not perfect, I cheated once, he did too, but it seemed like we both knew what we have and that we should do everything to keep us together, to keep "true love" alive.
He doesn't want to have any contacts with me, he lives in a different city now and he doesn't want to see me. He blocked me on all social networks websites, I tried to text me creating 3 different accounts on facebook, sometimes he reads what I write and then he blocks me, again and again... I just can not believe that this is the man who wanted to have family and kids with me, a man who only few months ago would do anything to make me happy. Is it possible that I was fooled and it was all lies? Every day we were together, side by side no matter what and now he won't say even a word to me, he didn't even come to see me to break up, after 4 years! I feel like I am so broken and that there is no way ever to recover from something like that. I wish I could understand the situation better but I can't, simply because he won't even talk to me.
I am sorry for such a long story.. I did my best to make it shorter. Can anybody give me advice?

[middie]

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you.....

Sadly that can happen when a person with an addiction goes through rehab and then they decide that they want different things and a new life. They are not the person they once were.

This must be having a terrible effect on you....you must be totally devastated and you MUST get some professional help for yourself. You are in Ireland and therefore entitled to the NHS.....go see your GP and explain and ask him to refer you for counselling. He can and will do this for you. Otherwise contact relate they are a charitable organisation and they provide counselling and support for a nominal donation and if you can't afford it they will do for free or whatever you can afford to donate.

You have planned your life with this person.....kids.....a future and you must be hurting terribly and to not even be able to see him face to face to have ended the relationship will be devastating for you.....and you are understandably going through the loss and grieving process.

It is very difficult to go through this alone, especially at this time of year......so please look after yourself and get some professional help and support, it is out there.

You have done a good thing, joining this site and seeking support too, you will get plenty here......but please for your own health follow it up with professional help and support too..................sending you a big hug x

[lightinthesky]

Thank you so much. I was thinking about it because I also don't get much support form my family, they don't really want to listen. . I feel like my life is broken now and I don't know can I possibly move on?! I keep having dreams of him, see him with someone else building a life That WE wanted. I just can't believe that I didn't know him, that 4 years of our life was a lie. And most importantly, despite anything, I love him even tho he is gone and we have no contacts. Love is just sitting there inside me hoping for something.

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[middie]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Thank you so much. I was thinking about it because I also don't get much support form my family, they don't really want to listen. . I feel like my life is broken now and I don't know can I possibly move on?! I keep having dreams of him, see him with someone else building a life That WE wanted. I just can't believe that I didn't know him, that 4 years of our life was a lie. And most importantly, despite anything, I love him even tho he is gone and we have no contacts. Love is just sitting there inside me hoping for something.

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You must not think that you didn't know him. You did.....at that time in his life. Those things you planned and dreamed were what he wanted at that time in his life. Unfortunately, he has undergone a life changing experience and it has made him re-evaluate what he wants from his life. Sadly things are different for him now, and he is in a different place.

Please do seek out some support and therapy for yourself. Someone you can talk to and talk about your feelings and vent your anger, frustration and grief to. It will be a long haul emotionally for you, but you will come out of this a stronger, better person for it. You won't see that at this time and it may even feel like an enormous mountain to climb, but you can do it, just get the support you need, and look after yourself, please.

We are all here to support you too and listen to you....sending you a big hug x

[lightinthesky]

Thank you

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[lightinthesky]

I'm scared I won't find my love anymore. This one is too strong

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[lightinthesky]

I still don't understand why he acts like I don't exist. There must be some respect, warm feelings, memories. Instead, I am like rubbish for him, who doesn't even deserve to speak to him. I had to stay in our apartment and move out, all on my own, I had to take off our pictures from the walls, pack his clothes and look at all those reminders for so many months.

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[middie]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I'm scared I won't find my love anymore. This one is too strong

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When you have had time to heal properly, you will find love again. You probably won't believe me now........I didn't when people told me......6 year later when I was ready...I did......x

[middie]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I still don't understand why he acts like I don't exist. There must be some respect, warm feelings, memories. Instead, I am like rubbish for him, who doesn't even deserve to speak to him. I had to stay in our apartment and move out, all on my own, I had to take off our pictures from the walls, pack his clothes and look at all those reminders for so many months.

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Please try and find some counselling....go see your GP they can refer you on the NHS for counselling and then you can have some support for yourself. You need to start looking after you now........he has taken care of himself and you know that he is well now......so now its time for you.

For so long now you have had his problems to face and him to look after....now is your time....time to heal and time to build new friendships....a new life for yourself......don't see this as a frightening experience....look upon it as a new start.....new beginning for you to develop a new fresh start for you. Take it slowly......just day by day.....get some support and it will come in time........you need to start looking out and after you now........sending you a big hug x

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by middie

Please try and find some counselling....go see your GP they can refer you on the NHS for counselling and then you can have some support for yourself. You need to start looking after you now........he has taken care of himself and you know that he is well now......so now its time for you.

For so long now you have had his problems to face and him to look after....now is your time....time to heal and time to build new friendships....a new life for yourself......don't see this as a frightening experience....look upon it as a new start.....new beginning for you to develop a new fresh start for you. Take it slowly......just day by day.....get some support and it will come in time........you need to start looking out and after you now........sending you a big hug x

Just went to a counselling therapy today.. have more appointments booked, but so far, she made me feel a little bit better.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by middie

When you have had time to heal properly, you will find love again. You probably won't believe me now........I didn't when people told me......6 year later when I was ready...I did......x

6 years is a long time, where you unhappy before you found him?

[middie]

I was married for 15 years before this to a man who was abusive, controlling violent. I left him and at the same time my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my mother with breast cancer. I fled the marital home and my ex would not let me take the children. He used them as a weapon against me as it was all he had left.

Initially it was very difficult.....I virtually broke down emotionally, physically and mentally. Gradually I built myself up, made a home for myself and my children, went through the courts for a few years for my children. I had nothing from the marital home, I had to take it step by step and provide everything myself.

I did it though an became so much stronger for it and made a new life for myself and my children.

I was happy being single, I made new friends and had family for support. Gradually I began to enjoy my single independent life and as I was happy in myself I believe I met someone as I was ready.

It was a gradual process and initially I was very protective of my children and didn't introduce my now partner to my children. Eventually when I was happy and we had decided that we wanted a future together I introduced my children to him. They adored him as he did them.

So just let yourself begin to heal.....take it slowly and day by day......eventually you will make a new life for yourself, and you will be happy again and will meet someone who is right for you.......lol I can remember my family and friends saying the same to me and thinking there is no way on earth I ever want to meet another man!

It happens though and will when you are ready. Its difficult to look to the future when you are hurting so much and your emotions are raw. Just let yourself feel these emotions and slowly you will heal and you will eventually see a future and begin to enjoy it.

I did have counselling and feel this was a great help......A place to go to let go of my emotions in a safe environment and not be judged, just supported.

Please look after yourself now....find some support.....sending a big hug x

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by middie

I was married for 15 years before this to a man who was abusive, controlling violent. I left him and at the same time my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my mother with breast cancer. I fled the marital home and my ex would not let me take the children. He used them as a weapon against me as it was all he had left.

Initially it was very difficult.....I virtually broke down emotionally, physically and mentally. Gradually I built myself up, made a home for myself and my children, went through the courts for a few years for my children. I had nothing from the marital home, I had to take it step by step and provide everything myself.

I did it though an became so much stronger for it and made a new life for myself and my children.

I was happy being single, I made new friends and had family for support. Gradually I began to enjoy my single independent life and as I was happy in myself I believe I met someone as I was ready.

It was a gradual process and initially I was very protective of my children and didn't introduce my now partner to my children. Eventually when I was happy and we had decided that we wanted a future together I introduced my children to him. They adored him as he did them.

So just let yourself begin to heal.....take it slowly and day by day......eventually you will make a new life for yourself, and you will be happy again and will meet someone who is right for you.......lol I can remember my family and friends saying the same to me and thinking there is no way on earth I ever want to meet another man!

It happens though and will when you are ready. Its difficult to look to the future when you are hurting so much and your emotions are raw. Just let yourself feel these emotions and slowly you will heal and you will eventually see a future and begin to enjoy it.

I did have counselling and feel this was a great help......A place to go to let go of my emotions in a safe environment and not be judged, just supported.

Please look after yourself now....find some support.....sending a big hug x

I did, Thank you

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[IndieVisible]

Do you think it's possible some one has converted him to radical Islam or brain washed him? That also happens too, even here in the USA. People get brain washed with a cult. Same technique really. I hope not, but just a thought. And yes I agree you should get counceling.

[Macrick]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Hi all, I am new here so I am sorry if I do anything wrong.I am having the worse period in my life and I want to do my best to get better but so far.. nothing changes. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, he was my first love, first everything. I hope it makes sense if I say that I really loved and love that person, we were going to get married next year. He was a drug addicted and for the past 7 years of his life he was on methadone "treatment" program. In country where we lived it was too easy for him to get more when he wanted it, so there was no control. Drugs were making him lazy, tired, unhappy sometimes, it was very hard for him to start doing something with his life (like better job or education) while he was on drugs.
This summer we decided to ask his family for help so they would pay for his rehab and they were more than happy to help. He had to go to Iran with his dad and do it over there, I stayed at home in our apartment, we were on the phone every day, he was saying how much he is missing me/loves me, he was saying that doctors tell him that he is better of changing his life a little and maybe move some place different, but he was promising that he will come back to me coz he can't he can't without me. I waited and waited, it took over 2 months. Finally, one day he called me saying "I am sorry, I am not coming back" he said he is a different person now and he wants different things, that he doesn't love me, that I should never trust a drug addict.
It killed me, in many ways. Pain was and is so big that I just can not find any words to describe it. Our relationship were not perfect, I cheated once, he did too, but it seemed like we both knew what we have and that we should do everything to keep us together, to keep "true love" alive.
He doesn't want to have any contacts with me, he lives in a different city now and he doesn't want to see me. He blocked me on all social networks websites, I tried to text me creating 3 different accounts on facebook, sometimes he reads what I write and then he blocks me, again and again... I just can not believe that this is the man who wanted to have family and kids with me, a man who only few months ago would do anything to make me happy. Is it possible that I was fooled and it was all lies? Every day we were together, side by side no matter what and now he won't say even a word to me, he didn't even come to see me to break up, after 4 years! I feel like I am so broken and that there is no way ever to recover from something like that. I wish I could understand the situation better but I can't, simply because he won't even talk to me.
I am sorry for such a long story.. I did my best to make it shorter. Can anybody give me advice?

It depends on what kind of person YOU want to become. Friends, Lovers & Acquaintances are reflections of who you are OR who you want to become.

I was in a messy situation like you once. (No, I ain't a druggie) Anyway, long story short, you should least TRY to move on building a better life for yourself.

Once, you are ready, you will know. Then, let a suitable man into your life. When I mean suitable, I don't mean a gold mine. But least he can support himself & have a personality you DESIRE. Hope, it helps.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Do you think it's possible some one has converted him to radical Islam or brain washed him? That also happens too, even here in the USA. People get brain washed with a cult. Same technique really. I hope not, but just a thought. And yes I agree you should get counceling.

He is from a Muslim family, born in UK, although he is an atheist himself. I am visiting a councelor but even she can't tell me what could have happened. She says that because he himself had to go through a councelor therapy, they might have advised him to leave his past behind. I just don't understand why he had to be so cruel and say things like "you should never trust a drug addict, I don't want you anymore, it was a mistake". Why to hurt me so much???
My councelor said that he has a very cold heart and no matter what surcumstances are, you gotta have respect after 4 years, that he is being selfish and he has taken care of himself and now it is my turn to take care of myself.
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[allme]

I really feel for you So Sorry you're going through this! It's good you're in therapy and I hope it truly helps you.

You will find love again, it might not feel like it right now but you will

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by allme

I really feel for you So Sorry you're going through this! It's good you're in therapy and I hope it truly helps you.

You will find love again, it might not feel like it right now but you will

I really hope it is possible. Although not possible while I still love him. I would give my life for him. I don't know if you can feel this way again

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[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by Macrick

It depends on what kind of person YOU want to become. Friends, Lovers & Acquaintances are reflections of who you are OR who you want to become.

I was in a messy situation like you once. (No, I ain't a druggie) Anyway, long story short, you should least TRY to move on building a better life for yourself.

Once, you are ready, you will know. Then, let a suitable man into your life. When I mean suitable, I don't mean a gold mine. But least he can support himself & have a personality you DESIRE. Hope, it helps.

That is a strange thing btw.. I noticed than once he left I started feeling like I am not good enough, not smart enough for him. He was always interested in history and politics etc. Now I feel like I have to do something to prove him that I am good. I was happy in our relationship so I never had friends and now I can't find people that I would like because I am a bit different from the others, I just don't like most of the people around me and don't force myself to socialise with them.
I became lonely. Even tho I want to be a better person and I believe I worth to be happy, everything I do now seems to be unbelievably hard, useless. I feel weak.

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[texvet]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Loving an addict, recovering or not, can be a horribly painful experience. I hope that therapy and time will help you to move forward and love yourself enough to realize you're better off without him. You will, one day, find that you have more strength than you ever knew you had! It's just a matter of getting to that day of epiphany. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Perhaps try to stop trying to make sense of his actions. You'll never figure out the answers on your own, and every day you spend trying to find them is one day that you are not moving forward.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by texvet

I am so sorry you're going through this. Loving an addict, recovering or not, can be a horribly painful experience. I hope that therapy and time will help you to move forward and love yourself enough to realize you're better off without him. You will, one day, find that you have more strength than you ever knew you had! It's just a matter of getting to that day of epiphany. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Perhaps try to stop trying to make sense of his actions. You'll never figure out the answers on your own, and every day you spend trying to find them is one day that you are not moving forward.

I used to think that if I want to move on, understanding of the situation is important. But now I am giving up really. I can't get the answers even with my therapist. I am tired of crying and being pathetic because of a person who is took care of himself long time ago and probably every time I write to him he says "oh look, it's her again, will she stop?". I believed we loved each other in a way that not everyone does, that we learned how to value love coz we nearly lost few times. We were caring about each other every day, every hour. Now it is like it is not him, like if he died.

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[middie]

Have to admit that is what I learned with the counselling I had.....that you just have to accept you cannot understand their behaviour......so you just learn to accept that.

Well done......it sounds like you are getting somewhere with the therapy....please keep going and take care of you sending you a hug x

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by middie

Have to admit that is what I learned with the counselling I had.....that you just have to accept you cannot understand their behaviour......so you just learn to accept that.

Well done......it sounds like you are getting somewhere with the therapy....please keep going and take care of you sending you a hug x

Thank you middie😚

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[healingme4me]

Sorry to read of your struggles. Not having a sense of closure, seems unfair, of him to you.

He's abandoned you, and your dreams. Just saying, you should never trust an addict, seems nonsensical, in a break up sense.

At some point, anger at him, may help as you move past him. It's hard creating new social circles, just follow what you enjoy, and over time, friendships, networks of acquaintances will happen. You need supportive people around you.

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[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sorry to read of your struggles. Not having a sense of closure, seems unfair, of him to you.

He's abandoned you, and your dreams. Just saying, you should never trust an addict, seems nonsensical, in a break up sense.

At some point, anger at him, may help as you move past him. It's hard creating new social circles, just follow what you enjoy, and over time, friendships, networks of acquaintances will happen. You need supportive people around you.

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Exactly, all I expected is some closure and respect to me after 4 years, I mean even if for him it was mistake and his head wasn't in this world, it wasn't my fault, was it? He showed no respect.
I don't have many friends right now, maybe 1 or 2.. but I hope it will change with time. Thank you for support

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