whar am I doing wrong?

I don't l know where to start,so if this post is jumbled,i do apologize upfront .
We had an argument again(one of oh so many) with my husband and he told me i am the most negative person and he is sick tolerating it,because he is very positive and loving,and my negativity towards him and his parents affects kids attitude to them.To retrace:yeasterday he asked me to fill out applications for license ,which, I mentioned to him before,require immediate payment and site does not allow to save the profile unless paid.I was tense while filling out applications,because it was his info,I asked him several times questions to be correct,which he didn't like as he was reading the book.Ok ,I understand,but kind of was hurt little by his tone,especially when he got upset about payment and refused to admit i told him about it.When I told him I am nervous about computer applications and very odd questionaries, he replied in harsh tone"Can't or don't want to do it,don't!I'll do it later".Eventually I erased all the info because he didn't want to pay without secure job offer(which I understand).Since that point he was cold and distant to me.like it was my fault,and I became more resenting and shut down (I am tired of hurting).We were supposed to take kids to the show,which was our daughter's bday present.Well,my son decided through a fit,which upsetted my already upset since yesterday H more and he told my son to stay home if he does not want to join the family affair(agree).Well,my daughter said in upset and tense voice that "he is coming!,I said he is coming".Well ,make it short one by one he told kids to come out of the car,they are not going anywhere and he stormed off ,after i tried to calm him down and explain my our daughter's behavior,I got yelled at,so I slammed the car door and got out.
I did have an extensive talk with kids about appropriateness of their behavior,and for millionth time told them that their fathers decision is not to be disobeyed.I called my H later to ask him to return so we can peacefully go to the show,as it was my daughters 1 year wish."you are dYsfunctional,I will never go out with them,especially with you,as you are most negative person,you are good outside,but inside the family you are not a positive person,and your negativity to me affects kids."So he let kids go with my sister in law,i finish my work and came home to talk to him. Started nicely that i really understand that my yelling at kids likely repulses him,but I never ever did anything close to turn kids against him.Meanwhile,I am thinking,that I would like a hope myself,I am tired of feeling lonely,but if I dare to that up,I'm not sure what disaster would 've happen. He did't let me finish or talk,he said to get out of room,he has headache because i and we upsetted him,he does not want to see me.The expression on his face said if I ask one more question or talk more or wouldn't leave the room,he would blow and be close to physical.
This is not the first time,or 10th.
So the question is for you guys,what am I doing wrong?,I played by his rules as much as I could and defended him and supported if kids were hurt or upset.I do everything for his family,who lives with us.I would greatly appreciate male input also,to understand my H.stand point.
thank you

If this is the way he always is, the only thing you are doing wrong is thinking he will change if you can just get it right for once. Reading your post, I am not seeing much negativity on your end. It sounds like all the negativity was coming from him.

I don't know anything about your situation besides what is in this one post, but this sounds like abusive behavior on his part.

to complicate things more,my daughter was given the lecture and was yelled for not taking her seat after intermission,not the one immediately next to my mother in law(my mother and sister in law took kids to th show),because apparently by that gesture my daughter insulted and left alone my mother in law.I am about to cry,my daughter is refusing to talk to anyone,just wants to sleep off..What is this!?

Any man who takes his anger and frustration out on his or any children are nothing but selfish children themselves with anger issues. I am in a situation where my fiancé tried to talk down to my autistic son because he didn't understand or had asked to many questions to many times. I will have to say that he found out where the term "angry momma bear" comes from. I feverishly stood up for my son because deep down, I want my son to have self esteem for who he is, no matter what others think. I was talked down to severely as a child by both my parents and by age 12 (my sons age) I had attempted my first suicide. I have vowed to take my dying breath before I allow anyone to impose their negativity on him. I am going to fight for my son to have a chance not to face the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts that I have endured and still continue to endure for the rest of my life. Always believe in your children and no matter the situation, they will be your children.

Dear wife22, what a hard, sad and lonely place ... I've lived there too.

I think hvert's and chateau's posts both put it very well. All I saw in the situations you shared were his cruel and selfish negativity, and immature sabotaging of children's happiness. Also that you're (as I did) increasingly walking on eggshells, bending over backwards and even letting your children's upbringing be mis-shapen in the hope of improving his moods and satisfying his twisted needs enough that he'll do the right things by his family.

That may sound a bit strong - obviously I can't know how full-on this kind of behaviour from him is - but it certainly sounds like he is emotionally abusive ... and at least bordering on physically abusive.

Whatever you do, please don't keep blaming yourself or believing that he'll suddenly change. Then you'll be able to see more clearly.

My heart goes out to you and I send you strength

thank you all for your response.River,you are pretty close,he has never been physical,but on occasions I felt he might be,words hurt more,especially when after all the lonely nights while taking care of kids,studying with them,driving them back and forth to and from their extracurriculars and taking over his nighttime shift so he can sleep,telling kids he is the best dad ever,he told me"whatever you are doing,whichever way you are bringing them up is not working,you are failing and creating dysfunctional family"..REally?I am not supposed to do all this alone and work and be there for his parents and sister,i thought he should have been there with me.
So,do I swallow pain and go on,or rebel and end up divorcing?what hurts more is that I do not recognize my emotions any more,I am numb and hurt together.is it possible?

He needs to be a supportive loving partner, not someone who doles out put-downs like mad/crazy.

hvert raised a valid point with this, "only thing you are doing wrong is thinking he will change if you can just get it right for once."

It's hard to say, if divorce is your best option, or not. Takes some healing work, to reach a point where you have a definitive answer. Since you wrote, "do I swallow pain and go on,or rebel and end up divorcing?", I am left feeling, as though, you haven't reached a point of making a decision, one way or the other.

Is staying, truly, swallowing pain? Is divorcing, truly, rebelling?

Yes, it is because you're being broken apart from your trust in yourself ... You've been told and tried to believe (and even convey) that black is white.

I think healingme4me's questions to you would be really helpful to "sit with", as a starting point to go into your honest self in this situation and see what's there.

I thought about my position in this situation.When we got married I completely devoted myself to him,tried to please him,but he was moody then too( I had anorexia,which i got over with fast,I understood him as a man feeling repulsed and ashamed,but I was also hurt by his coldness and rejection).Slowly over the years I suppressed my desires and eagerness to show my love to him,because in majority of cases I was" always choosing inappropriate time (he is reading/in front of computer/watching TV)",while forgetting that his parents and kids don't give us any privacy.Bottom line I don't know if I have any intimate feelings left,other then caring for him and I do think of divorce quite a bit,though I do not approve it in general.If he could only be able to listen and get my point of view..,start all over again ,give each other respect and time,attention,we might be happy

Is there a support group or hotline for domestic violence in your area? I would contact them. They might have some good suggestions for you, even if he isn't physically abusive at this point. Sometimes when we live with a bad situation for a long time, it starts to feel normal to us.

I looked for support groups or things alike,but there are none here.through web I found PC and the is the only place I try to vent.I feel guilty every time I post something deprecating about him ,but have nowhere else to turn.I write here when desperate
Thank you all again

Sorry to hear you couldn't find any support group.
Good you've got PC!

I think it'd be good to move on from feeling guilty about posting stuff about him - and I don't think it's being deprecating if you're simply stating what's happened and venting!
And I think, well I experienced, that part of the spell these abusers hold over their victims is having them believe their honour and worth lies in how much they look up to the abuser and protect their false image of goodness to everyone else.

Hope you have some peace for yourself today

That's where the inner conflict comes from, about staying or leaving. Time spent, not just coming to understand ourselves, perhaps even more self-vilification than necessary((*raising hand* I am better at tearing myself a new one, than anyone else, could ever possibly come close to)), and at the same time, looking at our partners with a sense of compassion and empathy that could outrival, even Mother Theresa.
Sounds, like he can either recognize the seriousness of your unmet needs, loneliness within the marriage or he can ignore the fact, that your marriage has seemingly hit a brick wall.

He sounds like a "prima dona" - someone who always wants to be catered to and can always find something to complain about. There is no way on this earth that you can be successful pleasing someone like that. Did someone spoil him - put him up on a pedestal - like maybe his mother?

If he is not being respected by his children, it is because he is not commanding that respect. They will never give it just because you keep telling them over and over that they must. He sounds like a childish bully, and the kids are seeing that and getting sick of it.

Having his parents there in the middle of things isn't helping. Mainly, though, it sounds like he is kind of abusive. That probably isn't ever, ever going to change. You might want to think real hard about leaving.

Another issue is the kids. Are you both the biological parents of the same kids? Is he the father of your daughter? If not, that can be a source of trouble too. Eventually, the kids will be gone and you will be alone with him. Do you look forward to that? Sounds to me like you have been trying very hard for a long time.

"Having his parents there in the middle of things isn't helping. Mainly, though, it sounds like he is kind of abusive. That probably isn't ever, ever going to change. You might want to think real hard about leaving.

Another issue is the kids. Are you both the biological parents of the same kids? Is he the father of your daughter? If not, that can be a source of trouble too. Eventually, the kids will be gone and you will be alone with him. Do you look forward to that? Sounds to me like you have been trying very hard for a long time."

his parents are very demanding,more the he is,and he has seen it as a child growing up,they selfishly demand attention,even if they have to complaint about sleepless night.There were times we had to reschedule things or about to reschedule,because his parents-mom more,had a panic attack ,not to stay alone.They do have plenty of medical problems,which we are controlling tight,but has anxiety and panic attack seem to root in selfish desire for constant attention. recently she would not stay home alone even for 5 min.
We have 3 kids and he is the father of all 3,he is also only man I've ever been with,that's why his jealousy is pointless.He loves kids,adores them,he is trying to be different from his parents,but.....The point is I lost myself somewhere on the way of 16 years of marriage,it hurts that at 39 I can not really say what I really want,what is my favorite thing to do. I need to find myself.I started gym,which is a big advancement for me and my H to allow it(during the time our daughter is at a dance class).I don't know,i feel like an automaton..

Sounds like "Mom" is a piece of work. With all due respect to your ancestral culture, it also sounds like this family needs to get Americanized . . . in the modern sense. I'll bet the kids are well on their way to that, whether or not you and hubby can keep up. Keep going to that gym. Make friends there and stop for coffee with them. You don't have to rush home. You are living like a woman in a Pearl Buck novel. I'll bet your daughter has no intention of getting into that trap. She's already signaling "Dad" not to expect that, and I'ld have to take her side on that.

You do seem to have lost yourself. At age 39, you still have time to find you. No, Hubby's every whim does NOT have to be obeyed. You are an adult. I hope Mother-in-law pitches in with the cooking and cleaning. Otherwise, you are living as a slave. Explain to H. that this is 21rst century and time to live like modern family. I'm glad he likes the kids. He is confused himself about relationships because his family is controlling him. Some counseling might be good for you and your H. to break away from his parents' domination. His jealousy is just his way to keep reminding you that you are his property. He is holding on to you, like his parents hold on to him. You have to break the cycle. Hard to do, I'm sure. You and your H. need time to be together away from his mom. Of course, she will fight that. You have to get tough. Very hard to do, I'm sure.

Thanks Rose76
My mother in law does cook ,but she has multiple medical problems,so cleaning is on me - she can't do it.my H is hard working .One thing I did for myself from the beginning is making sure I continued my professional carrier.I do not aim for positions but I enjoy working ,I love what I do.I am not planning to stop doing that(part time now b/o my choice to be with kids more).I have spent years to get my degree and gone through whirlpool between study/training/family and having kids,I am not quitting now.So from the side. I look like very confident professional,successful .Stopping with friends is bit problematic as you could imagine.I am trying to teach my kids independence and respect,it is hard for them being modern Americans to see some of clashes .it is not that much cultural,because my H is not that keen to old culture ,having lived in it, I think it is more due to parental control issues and selfishness,desire to tell what to do even now,desire to be praised and admired constantly.they can be great if you are attentive ,careful and "supple" with them.but God forbid they didn't like something and that would be the end of relationship.
Anyway,I don't want to abuse anyone's time here,older people don't change.I am so glad I am working .

I think you are right about a lot of things. Older people don't change. People, in general, don't change. (Not just because we want them to.)

It's great that you have accomplished so much and now enjoy working in your profession. It's great that you appreciate you husband being hard working. Sounds that there is a lot in your life that is successful.

Big change is too much for you. Try being a tiny, little bit less attentive to parents-in-law. Jump a little, tiny bit slower when they want something. Become a teeny, tiny bit more hard-of-hearing when they call for you. Once in a while, accidentally forget some little thing that they told you to be sure and remember. You will find that it will not be the end of the world. Those can be your quiet, little victories. You can change a little, tiny bit at a time.

I can relate to this in so many ways!

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