[30ish]

I usually don’t post my own issues here just because I feel like they are so insignificant compared to what others are going through, but I’m struggling with something right now and the amount of people in my life that are aware of my struggle with depression are few. That few are not available to me right now and honestly, because of the bad habits that I have it may not be good to talk with them.

Here go’s:

Sometime after I began therapy I started toying around with the idea of blogging (anonymously) my journey of self-discovery. Blogging to me would be so much more helpful in healing and forgiveness than journaling because I felt that I would be forced to look at things logically as opposed to the emotional rambling that my journaling consists of.

As I get more comfortable talking about my depression and as the path of healing has been revealed to me I’ve wanted for a chosen few people to follow my blog the choice being there’s. Two also suffer with some sort of mental illness. The third one of those people is my mom. In the last 3 to 4 years our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger, I know that it is because of the grace that God has shown in both of our lives. Wanting to share everything with her is one the results of our strengthened bond.

Initially I hesitated because my journey consists of me searching my past for the root issue of the mess that has burdened me up until now. Because my mom played a central role in my life as a child I thought for sure that what I wrote would open wounds for her and possible even make her feel guilty even though we’ve come as far as we have. So I told myself that I would wait.

Well… in my excitement to share, I selfishly disregarded my original thinking and offered her the opportunity to read along. Her response was what I had feared in the beginning but by then it was too late. She said “we’ve been moving forward now it seems as though we’re moving back”. I felt like an ***.

I tried to explain to her that the weed that almost strangled the life out of our relationship so long ago has been plucked, but for some reason I find myself at the same place in every other relationship (paralyzed with fear) and that the most important relationship I’m worried about is my relationship with God.

I then sat on the phone crying my eyes out silently because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. I viewed her as being so strong. But in my selfishness I failed to remember that she’s had to endure so much in her life and especially before I was born. I apologized and kept apologizing. She said I didn’t have to. I think she’s not going to hold it against me but I don’t think she understands.

Is there any better way to explain it to her? Or should I just let it go and accept the fact that she can’t understand right now?

[ShadowPriestess88]

I think you did the right thing by showing her. I never believed that a relationship can ever be whole if you are holding back a part of yourself. The truth hurts, but it's better then a lie. You need to know she loves you for you, all of you. The good and the bad.

[30ish]

Originally Posted by ShadowPriestess88

I never believed that a relationship can ever be whole if you are holding back a part of yourself.

And that's the thinking that made me go against my initial thinking. But I've thought of so many other reasons why she wouldn't understand that I get why she doesn't understand... and I can't hold it against her.

Thank you so much for your response and understanding . It has encouraged me to re-examine how far I've come since beginning treatment and the fact that I can't stop now although many will not understand. Unfortunately I will have to redefine our boundaries... for my own wellness .

Yes, there is the boundary thing. I just got talking with my gp about that the other day.
I've also made the mistake of bringing things up with my mother about things that had hurt me, things she had done. I can't make her forgive herself, or accept what she's done. All I can do is tell her, that I see things that happened from my perspective, and she sees things from hers. I don't know if its because of this that's bothering you, or what you shared with your mother. Forgiveness, on her part and yours will be the key. You can't change now what happened or what was shared. Just keep moving on with forgiveness. For yourself. No one can make someone else be forgiving. Take care of you.

[30ish]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

Yes, there is the boundary thing. I just got talking with my gp about that the other day. I've also made the mistake of bringing things up with my mother about things that had hurt me, things she had done. I can't make her forgive herself, or accept what she's done. All I can do is tell her, that I see things that happened from my perspective, and she sees things from hers. I don't know if its because of this that's bothering you, or what you shared with your mother. Forgiveness, on her part and yours will be the key. You can't change now what happened or what was shared. Just keep moving on with forgiveness. For yourself. No one can make someone else be forgiving. Take care of you.

My intention is not so much bringing up what she's done. In the last 3 to 4 years I come to accept it and knowing what she went through before she had me I've come to the conclusion that: hurt people hurt people and until they deal with their past pains they will continue to hurt people.

I've taken a lot of steps toward forgiving her and our relationship has been great; no negative thoughts about what she has done or didn't do. But the rejection that follows me has it's roots in my childhood (whether she was a part of that or not, it is what it is), so I've got to exam it if I want to get well. Not to point fingers, but more to exam my reactions to the rejection in order to change my perspective and heal so that I don't going around hurting people because of it.

I can't change people... I've finally have a full understanding of that. But in order to change myself I've got to be honest with myself and look at some of ugly things that I've experienced to find the glitch. I just wish I would have taken more time to weigh the risk/benefit ratio of telling my mom about that aspect of my path of self-discovery: looking in the past.

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it

[Frankbtl]

Hi 30ish, first of all I've got to really admire your honesty and openness with both yourself and others!!
Until (if you can) "put your finger on" things that have effected you (and I'm guessing you're finding more and more?) and the way these things have effected you it can be pretty hard to tackle things, work through them and move on a little from them.
And maybe for your relationship with your mom to be really whole, genuine, authentic (?) you do both need to share the reality of your journey. It might have hurt her but at least now she's able to see things from your perspective which might have been a little different from the way she was seeing/understanding things.
If I'm right she's helped turn things around for herself and you (??) so however much it hurts then I'm guessing she would still really want to know/appreciate your view if she really cares about you. And that she's going to put aside that hurt in the interests of knowing you better and supporting you in ways she maybe couldn't before.
And you two could use this in bringing you even closer together and in strengthening your relationship. She (and you!) may find it hard at first, but it may open new doors to communication if you can carry on talking about things together.
Really pleased for you that things have improved though, although that does seem to be a lot down to your reflection, insight and real strength of character so WELL DONE!!
And as for: "I usually don’t post my own issues here just because I feel like they are so insignificant compared to what others are going through"
If they are issues to/for you they matter!!! They really do!!!! You absolutely don't have to justify whether they are or aren't significant enough!!!! Issues are issues....hurt is hurt.....pain is pain......that's all there is to it!!!! So please whatever it is, just work up that courage you have today and tell us about it, we're here for you
Alison

[kipper-bang]

Dear 30ish,

Congratulations on how far you have come and all the work you have put in for yourself and your family. You know your mum would be shocked by what you said but I agree you needed to tell her everything that was affecting and upsetting you. Your mum loves you and in time she will look again at the part she played in the way you are feeling. She will slowly accept that in her own time and you should not blame yourself for how she is now feeling.

What you wrote in the blog has hit a nerve with her and she is not yet able to vocalise her feelings as well as you are able to. Kudos to you, hidden childhood emotions are hard to deal with as an adult, the emotions take you back to your childhood self and they hurt, really hurt. Maybe before you blog an issue that concerns her, you should tell her about it face to face, or phone her. Then you can blog after that.

I wish you the best on the rest of your journey to your real, authentic self, and happiness. x

[30ish]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi 30ish, first of all I've got to really admire your honesty and openness with both yourself and others!!
Until (if you can) "put your finger on" things that have effected you (and I'm guessing you're finding more and more?) and the way these things have effected you it can be pretty hard to tackle things, work through them and move on a little from them.
And maybe for your relationship with your mom to be really whole, genuine, authentic (?) you do both need to share the reality of your journey. It might have hurt her but at least now she's able to see things from your perspective which might have been a little different from the way she was seeing/understanding things.
If I'm right she's helped turn things around for herself and you (??) so however much it hurts then I'm guessing she would still really want to know/appreciate your view if she really cares about you. And that she's going to put aside that hurt in the interests of knowing you better and supporting you in ways she maybe couldn't before.
And you two could use this in bringing you even closer together and in strengthening your relationship. She (and you!) may find it hard at first, but it may open new doors to communication if you can carry on talking about things together.
Really pleased for you that things have improved though, although that does seem to be a lot down to your reflection, insight and real strength of character so WELL DONE!!
And as for: "I usually don’t post my own issues here just because I feel like they are so insignificant compared to what others are going through"
If they are issues to/for you they matter!!! They really do!!!! You absolutely don't have to justify whether they are or aren't significant enough!!!! Issues are issues....hurt is hurt.....pain is pain......that's all there is to it!!!! So please whatever it is, just work up that courage you have today and tell us about it, we're here for you
Alison

Originally Posted by kipper-bang

Dear 30ish,

Congratulations on how far you have come and all the work you have put in for yourself and your family. You know your mum would be shocked by what you said but I agree you needed to tell her everything that was affecting and upsetting you. Your mum loves you and in time she will look again at the part she played in the way you are feeling. She will slowly accept that in her own time and you should not blame yourself for how she is now feeling.

What you wrote in the blog has hit a nerve with her and she is not yet able to vocalise her feelings as well as you are able to. Kudos to you, hidden childhood emotions are hard to deal with as an adult, the emotions take you back to your childhood self and they hurt, really hurt. Maybe before you blog an issue that concerns her, you should tell her about it face to face, or phone her. Then you can blog after that.

I wish you the best on the rest of your journey to your real, authentic self, and happiness. x

Working through them is all that I desire right now because I feel like I been in a vicious cycle over the past 20 years because of those unresolved issues. I don't think I've ever shared with my mom specifically how she's hurt me because for so many years approaching the subject always ended on a sour note. I can't blame her. I can't even imagine how hard that would be for a parent to hear. Because of that though I've had to work through those particular painful things by myself. But, she shares in her own way and she admitted at least once that I was damaged as a child. One of the reasons being that she was a damaged child who never worked through her issues. So with that I empathize. Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement Alison

Kipper-Bang you hit the nail on the head when you said that she is not yet able to vocalize her feelings. By some of her reactions to conversations about my therapy leads me to believe she's uncomfortable with the subject of mental health period (like so many). What's puzzling though is that she hasn't read my blog. I just told her that I was blogging anonymously to help me logically sort through what's happening to me and I would like for her to be a part of it if she chose to. I included that I would have to sort through my past but it's not to point the finger or place blame, it's to exam how I've reacted to painful situations overtime in order to learn how to react differently. I can't change the past, nor can I change people, so I can't blame people. I can only change myself. But how can I change me if I can't look at my own ugly. It would be interesting though to know what "she" heard when I said what I said. But if she doesn't bring it up, I'll be okay and I won't love her any less or resent her. Thanks for taking the time to offer encouragement.

I appreciate all the nice things both of you have said.

Hi...I don't have much to add to the above wonderful thoughts...and I agree with them..

From a mom's perspective, I would have something of a knee-jerk reaction. So I would give it some time before you bring it up again. Let her absorb it and come to terms with it and let her approach you.
If she makes random hurtful comments to you....then don't try and talk to her...she's not ready for a conversation yet.

[30ish]

Hi sophiesmom!

I agree with the "knee-jerk" reaction. I beat myself up at the time because I didn't follow my first mind to just wait awhile longer before having the conversation. And I didn't bring it up again but she did.

I went to visit her this past weekend (which is why I haven't been online for a while) and I didn't feel uneasy at all thanks to her nonjudgement. We went on laughing and joking as if we didn't have a misunderstanding just a few days earlier. After a couple of days of me being with her she stated as-a-matter-of-factly "I haven't forgotten what we talked about". My heart sank. She further said that she wanted to wait until the right time to talk about it. By the time we did, I had my thoughts together and was prepared to clean up my mess. And lo and behold the misunderstanding was just that: a misunderstanding!

She thought I meant something very different than what I meant... thanks to my inability to communicate effectively. I was able to reassure her again that "our" past had finally past but there were other unresolved issues outside of our relationship that I believed was contributing to my woes of today. And she totally understood... and she wants to read my blog!

That's important to me in light of what she said to me last year when I apologized to her for dumping all of my troubles on her, she said "I'm just happy that you're opening up to me because there was a time when you didn't". I really have a great mom.

Thanks eveyone for your support. Without it my mind would have raced with negative thoughts and I don't think I would have been able to clear things up that well

[bazzinga1990]

I dont really feel like its my place to say but i would say anyway that you might just need t give her time. my parents seem to need more time then me (the one that is actually going through something). i've just noticed that in my whole time in and out of the hospital and this bad part of my life. im close to my mom too and she blames herself a lot for the things i feel and do to myself but in a nice way i have to keep reminding her, "Mom, It's not about you, It's about me, you didn't make me hate myself so much." so ya thats what i keep telling her and i think thats taking its time for he to see that also.

I hope things work out with you and your mom and dont give up on her just be patient for he to understand. being that she is still your mom shes going to feel a responsibility over you even when you well grown.

~Words from my mother~
"Once your a parent, You are always going to be a parent to your Kids, No matter the age"

I hope that helped a little