[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

When they say the first year of marriage is the hardest they aren't kidding. I want to stadt thoufh by saying I have no plans to leave my husband, I married him for better or for worse and he's put up with my worst. He is a loving man who cares deeply for me and my child. We are expecting a baby in May and since the pregnancy things have changed drastically. Startig out in our marriage I was newly diagnosed with epilepsy. It was hard to take and being unmedicated it made things even more difficult leading to mr quitting my job. I was in school full time and workig full time with my medical troubles I had to choose between school and work and my husband and I agreed it would be school. Once I got peegnant my husband was new at his job and seemed to be doing well there so we decided I would keep goig to school while he worked. Business got slow for him and ultimately he lost his job. I had to go back to work while still in school full time. I ended up failing three of my classes. I lost the job because of the epilepsy and pregnancy and it took four months for my husband to get a job. We were selling everything and even tried to sell my wedding dress. Sold all my jewelry including my engagement necklace from my husband. Things were hard, really hard.
So finally my husband finds another hopeful job. Things were looking up again. For two months he was working and we were able to catch up on bills by the second month. At the same time my husband was getting upset at work wanting to quit. I begged him to stick it out until he found something else but the next day he quit, the moment we got our tax return. That was five weeks ago.
In the last five weeks he has filled out about 10 applications and dropped off his resume at about five places and that's it. I tell him about jobs and he finds thigs wrong with it. He hasn't looked for a job online even in over a week. I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and can't get hired anywhere. Every day I mention him applying but he tends to blow it off.
To top it all off the epilepsy is complicating the pregnancy. If I have a seizure while pregnant it could cause serious problems. Last monday I had a seizure but didn't realize at the time but knew something was wrong. My husband had to pick something up from a friend so I asked him to please make it quick as I didn't feel safe being alone. He said ok and left. On the way back he called saying he was running home to grab his guitar, that his friend wanted them to play some music. I have always felt second string to the guitar where my husband is concerned so naturally this really upset me. I needed him there for me but he chose to be with his guitar. I brought this up with him and he apologized and said he would take it easy on the guitar. Not what I was asking him to do but I thought if he could do that maybe he could put me first.
That was nine days ago and since he has gone out and played with his buddies three nights but has not so much as filled out a job application anywhere. He sleeps all morning and will help wih some chores but I do 99% of the cleaning. He has been waking up wih my daughter more so I can get some sleepand carrying heavy things, even did the dishes once. But its already so much to do around here keeping up with the cleaning and he sits back playing the guitar and sleeping. We are out of money and have been spending my daughters birthday money to get by and he seems to be ok wih it and ok with going back to selling everuthing we own. I am not ok with that. I just don't know what to do. He is my best friend and everyhing else about our marriage is perfect, I just feel... strrssed, woried, alone...
Advice? Sorry for the typos.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I just wanted to add why I say my husband is such a great guy since all of this seems to be negative. From the beginning od our relationship he has been so caring and supportive. We were together three years before we got married and he has helped me so much. He is funny, he is caring, kind, a strong man. He sat by my side when I told him about my horrific past abusers. He has supported me through the years of therapy and me trying to change. He has never given up on me. He has helped me raise my daughter since she was one treating her as his own. He helped build my confidence and self worth when there was nothing left in me. When I started having unexplained seizures he didn't leave my side at the hospital. He cried with me. When my anxiety ht an all time high after the seizures I was waking up all hours of the night shaking uncontrollably and he would get up without me asking each time (often four or five times a night) to rub my back to help calm me down. He goes iut of his way with almost everything to keep me happy and stress free. If it weren't for his obsession with the guitar and the financial stress I would be the only one making mistakes in this marriage. He is my best friend, he is my forever husband and I refuse to give up on us. I just hate having this feeling, this sadness. I juat feel as if he isn't givig any consideration to our finances or any to our family when the guitar comes into play. Maybe I'm just hormonal but I'm the scrwq up. I don't like thinking anuthing badly in regards to him because he has been my rock through so much.
My t said this feeling is a loss of respect for my husband. But to me its more of a loss of security with my husband. Not just financially but emotionally as well. If a guitar can get in the way of our marriage and he is ok with us sellig everything we own, how much does he really love us?

[RomanSunburn]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I really wish I had some advice. When my husband and I were engaged, he lost his job. I was trying to go to school full time, work three jobs, and plan our wedding. He was extremely depressed over losing his job. He had been depressed because of working there, and then even more depressed when he left. Before he lost his job, I'd drive around picking up applications for him because both of us knew it was going to happen. He even got offered a job as a bank teller and turned it down for something else that didn't pan out. We racked up a lot of credit card debt. I felt like there was no control over anything, that I was the only one concerned, and that I was the only one working and the only one cleaning the apartment. Luckily, he likes to cook so he at least would do that. I eventually ended up losing all my jobs, taking incompletes in all my classes, and basically had a break down.

But you know what? We survived. Eventually, he got his butt in gear and he found a job. And after a few months there, he found another, very well paying one. That huge weight had been lifted and we got to go back to being us again. Yeah, it was hell, but we proved that we could make it through something that most married couples can't survive (I'm not saying yours won't). I wonder if your husband is feeling depressed and out of control himself and burying all the negativity in his music? That doesn't excuse his behavior. But can you sit down and really talk all of this out? You said he apologized and would take it easy on the guitar, but it sounds like he didn't really understand what you were asking? Can you maybe bring him into T so you guys can really discuss this with someone there to help? I wonder if he's having trouble adjusting to not only being a husband, but now a father too? I know you said he's raised your daughter like his own, but I feel like he may have different anxieties when it comes to his own flesh and blood? Does your T have any advice for you?

I really think you guys can make it. You've talked a lot about your relationship with your husband in the past and he really seems like a caring and loving guy -- just like my husband who just happened to make a few poor employment decisions. I think the best you can do right now is vent all you want here, try to have calm discussions with your husband, and focus on your health and mental well-being for the baby. Hopefully he'll eventually realize how important this is and how interconnected you are as a family.

Anyways, I hope some of what I said was helpful. I know our experiences are different, and yours is much more complex with a baby on the way. But keep pushing forward and try to take care of yourself the best you can without getting too stressed. I really hope it works out for you guys.

[Alone & confused]

Bless your heart! I hope all goes well with your baby, with all you've got going on. I really don't know what to say about the situation with your husband. You sound very devoted, so there must be something to him that's good, but unless playing the guitar can earn a living for you he really needs prioritize things differently. My 1st husband played guitar too. He had a hard time keeping a job as well. Since he wouldn't keep a job, I used to encourage him to start a band and try to play at clubs or something. But of course, that never worked out. I wish I had some good advice for you! I used to "threaten" to go live with my mom until he got a job and could support us .(he was too jealous to let ME hold down a job!) Maybe, just maybe if you "suggest" something of that sort (until he is more financially stable) he might try a little harder?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you romansideburn. Your response did help a great deal. I do think my husband is having depression troubles, I have seen this before with him six months after we started dating. He went looking for a job but it took longer than expectedand the longer it took the more he gave up. With the bsby on the way I understand the pressure I just NnEED him to step ul at least until the baby is born and I can work again. I tried to bring this up but when I do he gets so down on himself and starts deminishing himself as a spouse and man. It breaks my heart to hear him speak so badly on himself so I avoid unless it builds up. Any advicr on how to bring it up without making him feel bad?

I had to log on to answer you.....

I'm sorry things are tough right now....you sound really sad and frustrated, but clearly love your husband.

My advice is that you show him this thread. It says beautifully how you feel and how understandably scared you are right now.
Nobody can explain how you feel better than you can, and I think that asking your husband to work with you as a team will only strengthen your relationship.

Hugs.

[healingme4me]

My ex-h quit his job when I was 32 weeks preggers with my oldest. I made him apologize to his boss, explain that he'd just turned 40 and that it was all the stress of the unknown of a baby.

How badly, was your husbands quitting? I agree, about prioritizing. Perhaps the stress of a new baby coming into his life, is terrifying?



fyi:add: that was also, during the first year of marriage

[sailorboy]

I believe you love your husband and from everything you've written it sounds like he loves you too. I think you need to TALK to him and tell him how his quitting has affected your opinion of him and caused your anxiety.

I know it doesn't make it okay but don't discount the stress your husband must have faced in an unwanted job. How much unhappiness does one have to take before they act irrationally?

I hope you guys can reconnect on this issue soon.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and support. I want to bring this up with my husband and talk about it I just don't want to make this depression any worse. I went through two years of depression with my husband and he stood by me, I know its my time to stand by him. I just really need him to stick it out until I can go back to work at least. But when I mention a place hiring or ask if he is going to fill out applications his attitude changes and he gets down on himself, really down. When I bring up the guitar effecting our marriage he gets down as well. Says he is a bad husband and we deserve better, says he is worthless etc. I can't break his spirit like that. I tried using the suggested "I feel like" instead of being accusatory but no matter how I try to word it he always gets really down on himself and I can't bear to see him feeling so low. Any advice on how to broach this topic carefully and avoid hurting his feelings?
The other forum I am a part of would all tel me to leave him, to them money is a deal breaker. To me its not and I won't let our marriage fall into that statistic. I know part of this getting to me so much is the hormones but I can't deny the fact that I feel less confident in our marriage. Not in him but in his desire to put our family first and do whatever needs to be done to make it through. I don't feel security. If he can watch our family take another financial pitfall without trying to help, if he can leave his pregnant wife to play guitar after she just had a seizure, how can I trust that he will be there for us when we need him in the future? I have never felt this uncertainty in our marriage or relationship and I must admit its hard.
When I told him I felt like the guitar took priority over me and my child he got so upset with himself he cried, he apologized and said he would quit playing all together. An hour later he was out playing with his friends (I did encourage him to do go that night because a friend from out of town had come back).but three days later he was back playing and another three days later he was back again. He is playig house parties and thinks because he invites me it means he is vonsidering us and putting us first but what mom would take her six year old to a drunken house party on. A school night?
I do think he is escaping the stresd through his music and we all need an escape but it feels like he is tryig to escape us ad well and there has to be a time where you stop running and take charge of rhe stress right?

[RomanSunburn]

I know it's hard watching him get so down on himself, but he had to hear these things. I think if you can keep reassuring him that you love him and don't want to leave him, but these things need to be addressed, it might help a little. But we both know what depression is like and I think we can agree, there's no real good way to bring this up where he won't feel terrible, especially if he's already feeling terrible. Maybe something along the lines of "I know you feel terrible, and I love you, but we have to work on this together as a team, and beating up on yourself is hurting both of us."

What about something concrete, like a to-do list? Not a long one. What I used to do for myself was create a week long to-do list where I'd give myself a whole week to get everything done. It helped because I wouldn't beat myself up every night for not getting everything done. Maybe something like fill out 5 applications, dishes 3 nights/times, vacuum one room. It's not a lot, but it's a start.

But most importantly, keep taking care of yourself and trying to let things go so your stress doesn't escalate too much. Wish I could be more help

Here's some tough love and no nonsense advice.....

Tell him to put his toys away and become a responsible grown-up.

If there's a child on the way, you don't quit your job. If you do, you beg for it back. If you don't get it back, you work at something you don't like. If it's not full time, then you take 2 or 3 part time jobs.

Sorry. Not what you wanted to hear, I know.

[jadzea]

I agree, Mom. everyone is making excuses for him by trying to explain his actions. His actions are unacceptable. True, losing a job is depressing and demoralizing. It is also hard to go out day after day looking for a new one. But, the fact of the matter is, people need money and nobody ever said jobs had to be easy and enjoyable. It is nice if they are but many, many people work at jobs they hate because they have responsibilities they must meet.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him he has to find a job ASAP or the next thing to get sold is the guitar. I bet he gets his butt moving then.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Sorry its been a while. I had a talk with him and waited trusting he would get a move on. The day after the talk he went out and applied to three places. The next day we had to take my daughter out of town foe a doctors appointment and since I can't drive he spent the day wih us doing that. The next day was skipped just because. Then the next and the next and he hasn't applied anywhere since.
He was offered a job by a neighbor starting in two weeks. Problem is this neighbor seems like the type of guy to be all talk and there be no job. My husband is now counting on this job and doesn't plan to spend any time lookig elsewhere. He spends all day on his guitar. I even spent a long time with him to show him that I'm not against him playing the guitar but trying to expeess my concerns that he puts the guitar first. He must have missed that memo because no matter how many times I ask him to take it easy on the guitar he doesn't. Hut tosay he did and we both took long naps. I'm gettig worse sleep the further into the pregnancy I get.
He has been waking up wih my daughter andvgetting her ready for school so I can get some more sleep but I muat admit when I spend six plus hours scrubbing the floors and dishes, cleajing the mess and diig the laundry while he sits and plays the guitar I get fruatrated. He will help if I ask him too but its like pulling teeth and some times he says he will do it but it takes two weeks of laundry piling up before I give in and do it myself.
I love this man, I truly do. And I understand what he is going through. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy I quit my job and had to take time off and he worked cookes and often cleaned for six months. I understand. I just can't do it all on my own, notnow. I only have seven weeks until the baby is due and cleaning this house leaves me limping all night and mornig from my back legs and feet. He seems excited about this new job, and if it pulls through its exactly what we need to get by. But last week our water was cut off for jon payment. Our lights are about to be soon. We got the water back on and technically have the money to keep the lights on but his paychecks were supposed to pay for it but instead it has to come out of our rent money. We had nearly 5 grand. I had it all planned where every dime would go to catch us up. But since getting the five grand he quit and we have been licing on it and its pretty much all gone. I've sewn up my only bra, which is too small for me, three times already. I'm on my second month of using the same disposable razor. Part of that money was supposed to go toward things like that. I allotted myself and my husband four hundred each for necessities. He spent his on a new guitar which was fine. But him quitting his job meant I only ended up beig able to spend 120 on me and the rest on school clothes for my daughter, household items, bills, etc. I don't mind sacrificing at all for my child or my husband but I don't think he understands that sacrificing on necessitiea such as these for over a year can really wear on a person. My clothes all have holes in them. My shoes are all ruined so I'm left wearig his flip flops. He says "go buy what you need" but when you have no income at all and you only have an extraa twenty in the bank apart from rent, how could you be so selfish?
I will pray and pray hard that this job works out and I know and believe God only wants the best for us but if this is a test, it sure it a hard one.
I know my husband feels bad for all of this and I try not to make him feel worse in fears that it will make the situation worse. But every time I'm told how much is in the bank vs. How much we need to pay, it ets to me