[kawaiigurl1981]

Ok yes the title was meant to be funny and facetious because that is kinda who I am. I have been on this self help journey I suppose and this week I am finding out that I am NOT who I thought I was and I do not know what to do with this information.

I thought I was this loving steadfast person that gave her all in relationships even though it left me feeling anxious and too dependent on my lover. I thought I kept getting mixed up with men who couldn't or wouldn't commit. Yeah...that so not the case. The picture that is emerging now is that while I want a loving intimate relationship more than anything I am always afraid to have all my eggs in one basket so to speak and I never fully commit. I always make sure I have an exit strategy or someone waiting in the wings. This, I believe is interfering in my relationships more than anything and I am not really sure how to cut this out.

My boyfriend Jay is still living with his soon to be ex wife because of financial issues. I don't like this, I want this done with, I want him to live with me. I want our collective stuff to reside together. I want my bathroom to the place he is most comfortable pooping. I want my place or a place we have together to be "home". Until he comes to live with me no where is home, I may as well be living in a hotel.

When I think about the problems or issues in the relationship this is the issue I always go back to. How can I feel safe if we don't share a home ? How do I know you are really going to be there? How do I know this will ever be over ? But, emotionally this man has greatly expanded his comfort zone to try and reach me on an emotional level where I am most comfortable and he is not all comfortable. He has opened up to me and tried to find the words to share his feelings and this is a HUGE deal for him. This represents compromise. Maybe he cannot change his living situation right now but he has put effort into us.

Me? What do I do? I insist that I love him and all I want is to go to bed with him each night. But anytime I get mad at him or lose faith that this will work out I chat up other guys. Its like I want to know that if this all goes awry I will have someone's arms to run into. This is preventing me from fully investing myself in the relationship that I am in. This is NOT the person I thought I was. This represents a complete upheaval in the way I have viewed this romantic entanglement. I have been thinking "all I need is for your to leave your wife, give me unequivocal concrete proof of your commitment to me" do that and I will be peachy. But I am not really committing to him. He and the wife sleep in separate bedrooms and I flirt when guys when I am scared. I will go out of my way to find someone to flirt with. Looking back on it I have done this in every relationship I have ever been in. I am like some sleazy commitment-phobic guy like the characters played by Vince Vaghn or something. How do I stop this ? This is the relationship I want, if I get hurt I just get hurt but I want to give it all I have and not just phone it in.

[bwebb]

I have a few questions. First, am I understanding this correctly that you are dating a married man? I am not judging you at all, just making sure I understand the situation correctly. How do YOU know that his wife is soon to be an ex-wife? What evidence do you have of this? I know lots of people going through divorces right now and very few of them want to reside together. BUT I can understand the financial part, it is not easy to pay to live on your own. So if he were to live with you, would you charge him rent? I mean if he wanted to get out of his house and separate from his wife, could he live with you for free? I am just trying to understand why he is still living with a woman he says he doesn't love when he could be living with you. How do you know they sleep in separate rooms? Does his wife know about you? I honestly think that if he is not divorced or even physically separated from his current wife, than you can't really be fully committed on your end either. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but it seems like it would be very difficult to give all of yourself to someone with marital commitments. I think you are right to not feel entirely safe and trusting in him.

[Trippin2.0]

Your current relationship aside, (because the previous poster has valid questions and you may have reason to be acting this way with this particular man) you do this because you don't trust the men, the strength or the longevity/stability of your relationships.

That's why you're always prepared with a back up plan.

People who feel secure with their partners invest their time and effort into the present and if discussed, the future together.
They don't formulate contingency plans for if and when the relationship ends.

How to stop?
Learn how to cultivate a healthy level of trust within a relationship, then you will know how to "relationship" properly.

[kawaiigurl1981]

Originally Posted by bwebb

I have a few questions. First, am I understanding this correctly that you are dating a married man? I am not judging you at all, just making sure I understand the situation correctly. How do YOU know that his wife is soon to be an ex-wife? What evidence do you have of this? I know lots of people going through divorces right now and very few of them want to reside together. BUT I can understand the financial part, it is not easy to pay to live on your own. So if he were to live with you, would you charge him rent? I mean if he wanted to get out of his house and separate from his wife, could he live with you for free? I am just trying to understand why he is still living with a woman he says he doesn't love when he could be living with you. How do you know they sleep in separate rooms? Does his wife know about you? I honestly think that if he is not divorced or even physically separated from his current wife, than you can't really be fully committed on your end either. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but it seems like it would be very difficult to give all of yourself to someone with marital commitments. I think you are right to not feel entirely safe and trusting in him.

I appreciate your concerns but I trust him because I trust him. He has no reason to lie to me and would not lie to me. He is trying to figure out custody of children and other issues. Of course he could live with me rent free. I am not sure where you are from but where I live we have very archaic divorce laws with money already being an issue he does not want to have to pay spousal support and if he moved in with me and divorced his wife that is most likely what would happen. As I mentioned my trust issues are not isolated only to him. The point is I want to trust him, fully, that is the choice I am trying to make but I lack follow through and that is the issue that I would like to resolve for myself.

[kawaiigurl1981]

"How to stop?
Learn how to cultivate a healthy level of trust within a relationship, then you will know how to "relationship" properly."

Yes how do I do that ?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by kawaiigurl1981

"How to stop?
Learn how to cultivate a healthy level of trust within a relationship, then you will know how to "relationship" properly."

Yes how do I do that ?

In my experience, first you need to identify what it is that stops you from trusting... Once you identify the root, you can formulate a solution.

[kawaiigurl1981]

I am the adult child of an alcoholic, my mother was a train wreck, but I loved her so much and wanted her approval so badly. It was always conditional though. I was an only child and I felt that she only loved me when I reflected well on her and she could be proud of me. When I made mistakes I felt like a disappointment and felt totally abandoned emotionally. My mother passed away in January and I grieve more for the mother I wanted than the person that actually died. She stuck it to me in the end as well dying with no life insurance or indication of what she wanted done.

[ItMustGetBetter]

I have been on this self help journey I suppose and this week I am finding out that I am NOT who I thought I was and I do not know what to do with this information.....

Seems like a great start. Exploring yourself is a great step forward.

For me, when I started that journey I learned that the anger I had for my dad blinded me from all the "good stuff" and "good times" we shared.

I too wouldn't commit and had 1 foot out the door as a standard practice. I then learned that this attitude was just as much about the present as it was about the past. What I mean is that the past, combined with the new society around me, left me feeling totally committed to my independence. I come from a time and culture where opening the door for an elderly person was automatic. Caught me off guard when I was offered a managerial position by the GM who saw me do it.

Continue to grow. Continue to learn. Your relationship with yourself will surely be an asset in any and every relationship.

[bwebb]

OK, so current relationship issues aside then, I see trust as a choice, not a feeling. Once I make the choice to trust, I just do. I don't stop trusting until I am presented with a reason not to. If i catch you in a lie or a deception by omission, then that is a reason to consider the strength of my trust. But if you are always upfront and honest with me I will continue to trust you. I think it builds up or breaks down over time. I cannot tell you how I do this, I just make the choice and stick with it. I think your journey to learn more about yourself and explore your feelings is a great start! Good luck!!

[kawaiigurl1981]

Originally Posted by bwebb

OK, so current relationship issues aside then, I see trust as a choice, not a feeling. Once I make the choice to trust, I just do. I don't stop trusting until I am presented with a reason not to. If i catch you in a lie or a deception by omission, then that is a reason to consider the strength of my trust. But if you are always upfront and honest with me I will continue to trust you. I think it builds up or breaks down over time. I cannot tell you how I do this, I just make the choice and stick with it. I think your journey to learn more about yourself and explore your feelings is a great start! Good luck!!

As I mentioned earlier my mother was an alcoholic and displayed features of borderline personality disorder she was very inconsistent. She could from fine to totally angry or distraught in the blink of an eye. Now that I am an adult I realize that something either externally or internally was triggering these mood swings but as a child my child logic dictated if some action on my part immediately preceded her flipping out then whatever I done must have caused the issues. Not only that she would openly blame me for her moods, telling me I had ruined her day. I could never trust her, she lied she was inconsistent and her affection was never the same from one day to the next. She she was so changeable I think I must have gotten into the habit of trying to predict her moods and how I would be treated by her using outside indicators. Events, how much she had to drink, if she slammed the door when she came home or came in peacefully.

I think all this has led into me developing a habit looking at outside factors to determine how I think others feel about me or how they will behave towards me. I imagine this prevents from developing trust.

[kawaiigurl1981]

I did it ! I tiny step but surely one in the right direction. My boyfriend and I were having a disagreement over something neither of can directly control and I got mad at him as I typically do and I left. I called him later and told him that I wanted to make sure that realized I was not angry at him just hurt and disappointed. I told him I was done turning away from him and blaming him when I get upset because that is silly and cuts my nose off to spite my face, meaning that I deprive myself of his emotional support because I am angry. I am so pleased and surprised with myself.