[Lorn]

I'm in a long-term relationship that works well... except when it comes to both of us feeling appreciated for what we do. While one of us is happy to just spend time together and do whatever the partner wants (him), the other wants verbal and physical signs of affection given freely (me). We've read about love languages, but even though I make an effort to speak his I only see sporadic efforts from him such as the first week after a request. This contradicts with his usual "let's do what you want to do" attitude and has me scratching my head.

I try to be forgiving because he grew up in a neglectful household, and this is his first serious relationship.

The only suggestions I've been able to find for couples where one partner will not budge from their position are:
1) Be patient and continue to be loving towards your partner, since they'll be more willing to reach out if they're happy.
2) Stop seeking your love language entirely and appreciate their love language instead.

Uh... flat-out no to the second because I only do two-way relationships, and I'm currently waiting on results with the first.

Any suggestions from couples who've overcome this? How long can someone be expected to show patience before they have to start prioritizing their own feelings?

[bixkf]

I'm very much interested in this topic. Our relationship is the opposite (from the gender POV). My wife will not budge and wants the relationship on her terms, but to tell you the truth, I don't think she could really ever know if she has what she wants.

I'm looking forward to any insights.

[Lorn]

Originally Posted by bixkf

I'm very much interested in this topic. Our relationship is the opposite (from the gender POV). My wife will not budge and wants the relationship on her terms, but to tell you the truth, I don't think she could really ever know if she has what she wants.

I'm looking forward to any insights.

If only there was something... Do these people who suggest waiting ever get what they need?

[bixkf]

I don't have a clear answer either. The longer someone is in a relationship, there is more that is invested in that relationship. It's been a couple of years since we have not been intimate...for various reasons, but my wife seems to imply that it has been longer. I'm trying to work with her, we've seen a counsellor, but she doesn't want to go any more since she thinks she's been clear as to what has to be done...by me.
The thing is I've been questioning myself as to whether my needs are being met, and my assessment is that they are not. You see in addition to all this, I'm also bisexual and it's been 20+ years since I've been with a man. There are things that my wife can't give to me, because she physically doesn't have the right stuff. But I chose 17+ years ago to be with her and accept a heterosexual marriage.
Now though, we are not intimate at all. So I don't get straight sex, don't get gay sex or even basic intimacy (kissing, hugging, cuddling). So what is left? Family, finances and friendship...
I don't know if that is enough? I feel guilty when I think seriously about leaving my wife for a man. Am I willing to give up the friendship? Lose money in a divorce? I don't know...though there is a part of me that is curious to find out if I could have a better relationship with a man because it is easier to know how a man thinks when you are one.

[Webgoji]

My wife and I speak different love languages. Hers is expressed through actions, like buying her stuff or taking her out. Mine is verbal and physical so I want touch and kind words.

What we are doing is first to figure out how we can speak the other's language. I'm getting a handle on my depression and that will help pump up my motivation so I do more. She is working on learning why she can't take a compliment and trying to learn to give them sincerely.

After that comes practice. It has to become a habit. So I cconsciously make an effort to do things I don't want to do and she is trying to compliment me (as awkward add it is ).

So, to sum up; first we figure out what's stopping us from soaking the other's language and then second we practice it so it becomes habit.

[KatiePillar]

If the other person is truly interested in making you feel loved, he/she will make the effort.

He seems like an airhead. Not as an offensive thing, but he seems to forget. He's getting what he wants, and probably forgets you in the process.

Mine is touch. And when I don't get that from my partner, I do feel neglected and unloved.
Regardless of weather or not they do.

You really need to tell him this. When you don't get what you translate into love, you feel unloved.

Tell him, if I were to go away, or not want to be around you, wouldn't you feel unloved?
He should say yes.
So from there, tell him when he doesn't touch you much, or lets you know verbally, it's the same feeling.

[bixkf]

Originally Posted by KatiePillar

If the other person is truly interested in making you feel loved, he/she will make the effort.

He seems like an airhead. Not as an offensive thing, but he seems to forget. He's getting what he wants, and probably forgets you in the process.

Mine is touch. And when I don't get that from my partner, I do feel neglected and unloved.
Regardless of weather or not they do.

You really need to tell him this. When you don't get what you translate into love, you feel unloved.

Tell him, if I were to go away, or not want to be around you, wouldn't you feel unloved?
He should say yes.
So from there, tell him when he doesn't touch you much, or lets you know verbally, it's the same feeling.

Katie,
Very well said. I like your phrase "When you don't get what you translate into love, you feel unloved. "

I believe that we all need some kind of input like touch, words, sex, etc. as fuel for our own self love and ultimately the love we give back to our partners. Some people are more needy, some people only need a single "I love you" in a day. But take away this fuel or contaminate it, and our "love engines" stall or die.

I too am a touch/small words person. I don't need long hugs, french kisses, gifts, sex, etc. to feel loved. But I do need those basic inputs each day. Is it hard to say "I love you too"? Or get a small peck on the cheek without turning away? For my wife, after 17+ years she doesn't provide this fuel. She doesn't respond even in these basic ways, and when I pursue her for them, she gets annoyed. Why should anyone get annoyed at receiving or expressing love?

[KatiePillar]

Originally Posted by bixkf

Katie,
Very well said. I like your phrase "When you don't get what you translate into love, you feel unloved. "

I believe that we all need some kind of input like touch, words, sex, etc. as fuel for our own self love and ultimately the love we give back to our partners. Some people are more needy, some people only need a single "I love you" in a day. But take away this fuel or contaminate it, and our "love engines" stall or die.

I too am a touch/small words person. I don't need long hugs, french kisses, gifts, sex, etc. to feel loved. But I do need those basic inputs each day. Is it hard to say "I love you too"? Or get a small peck on the cheek without turning away? For my wife, after 17+ years she doesn't provide this fuel. She doesn't respond even in these basic ways, and when I pursue her for them, she gets annoyed. Why should anyone get annoyed at receiving or expressing love?

I say that because it's true for me. I really do feel unloved when I don't get those things.

I read your post. Wow.

Well.. maybe talk to her. Maybe separate and get what you need?
Hopefully she'll want to stay friends, because well, that's what you guys seem like now.

And she seems like she stopped trying. And that's a sad state.
My ex did that, got annoyed. And my ex didn't care, I know she didn't. Hence, ex.

I loved her and all, regardless. But I needed to move on and find someone who did fulfill my BASIC need of being loved!!

[Perna]

I believe we are responsible for getting our own needs met. If I want a hug, I ask my husband for a hug (and it works in reverse). We have a couple of "shorthand" ways of doing that; we fit together really well for hugs if I am standing on a single step so often, when we are together and see a single step, one will look at the other and I'll run and "assume the position"

Hoping someone else can read one's mind and know when one wants something is asking a lot of another? My husband and I have developed habits that work well but took time to develop? When he says something pleasant to me, I always try to reply "in kind". I ask him what he would like for dinner and give him choices (like you might a child :-) so it isn't just "me" deciding what dinner will be and slaving over it, etc. and 99% of the time he says "thank you" after we've finished eating. He does the dishes to my cooking so that does not take much talk, except sometimes when I am feeling extra "free" from not having to do some normal/everyday chore I will thank him for doing it.

Asking someone who did not grow up "giving freely" to change how they do things is asking a lot, I think? They do not know how, no one taught them that. I am reminded when I was unloading the dishwasher once I complained because I am left-handed so everything in the dishwasher and silverware drawer, etc. was "backwards". As a surprise, my husband turned everything around when I was not paying attention but I never saw it because he's the one who normally does the dishes and he could not stand it, could not deal with it and changed it all back. I have always been left-handed so have grown up dealing with a right-handed world; he has never dealt with a left-handed world.

Wanting something is not the same as working to get it. My wanting someone else to say "thank you" whose mother did not raise them to say "thank you" such that there are many bad memories (my stepmother use to make me say "thank you" BEFORE she gave me whatever it was) is just me wanting to impose my training and habits on someone else. I say "thank you" as a reflex, the same way I say "excuse me". I went through an obnoxious period where I use to say "excuse us" because my husband does not say "excuse me" but then I realized I am not my husband's keeper and not responsible for my husband and his thoughts, feelings, and actions, he is! Too, my whole feeling of moral superiority for saying "excuse me" reeks because it was literally beaten into me, is a reflex, not a genuine response.

I work now to monitor myself only, to make my responses reflect "Me" and to be as genuine as I can be. My husband has to take care of his own growth and becoming who he is. I'm glad I'm here alongside him, I enjoy his company but what he wants and enjoys is not what I want and enjoy except we both want to cheer the other on, and help when possible (when asked for help), working on their getting what they want and enjoy in their life.

Originally Posted by Perna

I believe we are responsible for getting our own needs met. If I want a hug, I ask my husband for a hug (and it works in reverse). We have a couple of "shorthand" ways of doing that; we fit together really well for hugs if I am standing on a single step so often, when we are together and see a single step, one will look at the other and I'll run and "assume the position"

Hoping someone else can read one's mind and know when one wants something is asking a lot of another? My husband and I have developed habits that work well but took time to develop? When he says something pleasant to me, I always try to reply "in kind". I ask him what he would like for dinner and give him choices (like you might a child :-) so it isn't just "me" deciding what dinner will be and slaving over it, etc. and 99% of the time he says "thank you" after we've finished eating. He does the dishes to my cooking so that does not take much talk, except sometimes when I am feeling extra "free" from not having to do some normal/everyday chore I will thank him for doing it.

Asking someone who did not grow up "giving freely" to change how they do things is asking a lot, I think? They do not know how, no one taught them that. I am reminded when I was unloading the dishwasher once I complained because I am left-handed so everything in the dishwasher and silverware drawer, etc. was "backwards". As a surprise, my husband turned everything around when I was not paying attention but I never saw it because he's the one who normally does the dishes and he could not stand it, could not deal with it and changed it all back. I have always been left-handed so have grown up dealing with a right-handed world; he has never dealt with a left-handed world.

Wanting something is not the same as working to get it. My wanting someone else to say "thank you" whose mother did not raise them to say "thank you" such that there are many bad memories (my stepmother use to make me say "thank you" BEFORE she gave me whatever it was) is just me wanting to impose my training and habits on someone else. I say "thank you" as a reflex, the same way I say "excuse me". I went through an obnoxious period where I use to say "excuse us" because my husband does not say "excuse me" but then I realized I am not my husband's keeper and not responsible for my husband and his thoughts, feelings, and actions, he is! Too, my whole feeling of moral superiority for saying "excuse me" reeks because it was literally beaten into me, is a reflex, not a genuine response.

I work now to monitor myself only, to make my responses reflect "Me" and to be as genuine as I can be. My husband has to take care of his own growth and becoming who he is. I'm glad I'm here alongside him, I enjoy his company but what he wants and enjoys is not what I want and enjoy except we both want to cheer the other on, and help when possible (when asked for help), working on their getting what they want and enjoy in their life.

lots of words of wisdom here, Perna. Sounds like you two work very well together and I'm happy for you

In everything we are responsible for what we do and we cannot make the other person do anything for us, only ask. What we can do is make efforts to 1. learn the other person's language and try to give them via that language, love. 2. from knowing their language, try to perceive how they are showing love in their way and accept it as it is. Feeling loved is not something that is completely out of our own control. If you knwo how your partner shows love and they are doing so, does it really matter that it is not in YOUR way? Really is that showing love to the other person by telling them how to love you? I think not. But.. hopefully you can find a partner that does the same things as a above, in finding out your language and giving it to you that way....

There is far too much thinking about how we are all feeling dissatisfied, unloved and unfulfilled in this world and not enough going out of our way to give love unconditionally.

[bixkf]

I admit I'm not perfect but I feel I try more that my wife. I get "dismissed" when I ask for hug. When I try to give her a kiss on the lips, she purposely turns her head at the last moment. It's not for fun, she's not doing it as a joke, she just doesn't want a kiss.

It's funny because after a therapy session my wife told me that she doesn't want to go anymore. She said she's explained what needs to be done, there's no more reason to go. I've been told that I need to be a "man", but being bisexual I feel I'm more comfortable in the role of the "woman" (no I'm not trans, I just want to be submissive). She says that I need to romance her. She can't tell me what she wants or expects, so how can she know if she gets it.

My wife told me to read books or research on the web. I've found hundreds of sites dedicated to "re-romancing". The odd thing is that I already do most of the things already that people recommend. I open doors for her all the time, I cook dinner 3 to 4 times a week, I listen to her and talk to her about her, I touch her frequently, I send her messages/call her from during the day to tell her I think about her, I tell her I love her and she's beautiful regularly, I surprise her with gifts or flowers. None of these seem to make her satisfied, and many times I'm told to stop because she is overwhelmed. So I stop, then she says I don't show her affection anymore...

How can she ever determine if she is happy?

[Lorn]

Originally Posted by Perna

I believe we are responsible for getting our own needs met. If I want a hug, I ask my husband for a hug (and it works in reverse). We have a couple of "shorthand" ways of doing that; we fit together really well for hugs if I am standing on a single step so often, when we are together and see a single step, one will look at the other and I'll run and "assume the position"

Hoping someone else can read one's mind and know when one wants something is asking a lot of another? My husband and I have developed habits that work well but took time to develop? When he says something pleasant to me, I always try to reply "in kind". I ask him what he would like for dinner and give him choices (like you might a child :-) so it isn't just "me" deciding what dinner will be and slaving over it, etc. and 99% of the time he says "thank you" after we've finished eating. He does the dishes to my cooking so that does not take much talk, except sometimes when I am feeling extra "free" from not having to do some normal/everyday chore I will thank him for doing it.

Asking someone who did not grow up "giving freely" to change how they do things is asking a lot, I think? They do not know how, no one taught them that. I am reminded when I was unloading the dishwasher once I complained because I am left-handed so everything in the dishwasher and silverware drawer, etc. was "backwards". As a surprise, my husband turned everything around when I was not paying attention but I never saw it because he's the one who normally does the dishes and he could not stand it, could not deal with it and changed it all back. I have always been left-handed so have grown up dealing with a right-handed world; he has never dealt with a left-handed world.

Wanting something is not the same as working to get it. My wanting someone else to say "thank you" whose mother did not raise them to say "thank you" such that there are many bad memories (my stepmother use to make me say "thank you" BEFORE she gave me whatever it was) is just me wanting to impose my training and habits on someone else. I say "thank you" as a reflex, the same way I say "excuse me". I went through an obnoxious period where I use to say "excuse us" because my husband does not say "excuse me" but then I realized I am not my husband's keeper and not responsible for my husband and his thoughts, feelings, and actions, he is! Too, my whole feeling of moral superiority for saying "excuse me" reeks because it was literally beaten into me, is a reflex, not a genuine response.

I work now to monitor myself only, to make my responses reflect "Me" and to be as genuine as I can be. My husband has to take care of his own growth and becoming who he is. I'm glad I'm here alongside him, I enjoy his company but what he wants and enjoys is not what I want and enjoy except we both want to cheer the other on, and help when possible (when asked for help), working on their getting what they want and enjoy in their life.

Knowing a love language and having many examples of how to meet someone's needs through it is not "reading someone's mind". A hug is a hug at 3 a.m. or 5 p.m., and there's no need to "read my mind" and hug me at specific times when it's crystal clear that what I want is to be hugged more. That's called being thoughtful, and the most reasonable expectation in a relationship someone could possibly have (except fidelity, perhaps).

If I don't even have to ask my friends to show they care... why should I have to ask my significant other? Why should he get adjustments to avoid offending in his love language (ex. no texting during a movie, even if it's for work) while I don't?

Still seems like the "shut up and be a good little wife who's glad for anything" route to me. I believe we're obligated to meet our own needs for food, shelter, and purpose, but our partners are obligated to be responsive to our needs. If someone is in a monogamous relationship, they have one source of that specific type of love and that relationship is obligated to be a good source of it. It's unreasonable to request someone's faithfulness and duty in giving up other men and women, and then not give them what other men and women could give them.

When we started dating, I limited physical contact with friends to hugging because anything more would make him uncomfortable, even if it wasn't romantic or sexual. The topic came up once and I've always been mindful of it. Why should I not receive the same consideration? Because I'm the woman, and the woman should be loyal, dutiful, and loving even if her man isn't?

If children aren't willing to think of their pets and remember to feed them, they don't get pets. If adults aren't willing to think of their significant others and remember to love them, then they shouldn't have them - except there's no one to tell them "no" except the people they're seeing.

Emotionally my bags are packed right now and, against the advice of he Internet, I've decided that he also gets affection on his terms only when he explicitly asks for it until we both understand how to exchange affection. If it's fair that I do it, then it's fair that he does it, no? He's 28 years old, and either he learns to understand and respond to my needs as I've learned to understand and respond to his (so "mind-reading" is possible!), or we seek satisfaction elsewhere. My sincerest wishes for him that he finds someone who'll also come with him as he seeks help for mental illness in a stigma-ridden world.

I'm worth more than what I'm receiving here, and when I was 17 I swore I'd never be like my mother and settle for less.

Originally Posted by Lorn

Why should I not receive the same consideration? Because I'm the woman, and the woman should be loyal, dutiful, and loving even if her man isn't?

I'm not sure how this has been turned into a gender related situation wtf does it have to do with you being a woman? If he's not giving you the same consideration it has absolutely zero to do with you being a woman and his excuse would not be because he's a guy. That just means he's not doing what you expect him to and a female in a relationship as often as males can be just as unresponsive. I don't like that you made this about him being a guy. at all.

....or we seek satisfaction elsewhere...

Really? this is the epitome of what is wrong with relationshps and marriages today it screams of the conditional attitude that "if you don't give me what I want, if you don't make me happy, I'll find someone else" and I find it far too often that people think this way.

Personally if I marry someone my thoughts are to give to her and support her and share in my life not "what can she do for me." it's just going to be a path that's wrought with failure b/c there is no woman that will meet all of my expectations and needs all of the time.

You have very conditional thinking here and everything you seem to do "for him" seems to have tied to it what he "should" be giving back to you in return. Love doesn't expect a return on it's investment it hopes to give to the other person, period. What we receive in return is nice but should never be the reason we love someone or are with them.

[Lorn]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Really? this is the epitome of what is wrong with relationshps and marriages today it screams of the conditional attitude that "if you don't give me what I want, if you don't make me happy, I'll find someone else" and I find it far too often that people think this way.

I consider it a good thing. It's called self-respect. If someone doesn't pull their weight after being given grace periods and time to learn what makes their significant other feel loved, then we don't take on the role of a beast of burden.

As a result, fewer relationships remain intact because fewer people tolerate not being given what they deserve. But what's more important: the status of the relationship (together or broken-up) or not being taken for granted and disrespected? An arrangement or human beings?

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Personally if I marry someone my thoughts are to give to her and support her and share in my life not "what can she do for me." it's just going to be a path that's wrought with failure b/c there is no woman that will meet all of my expectations and needs all of the time.

Yep. Those are my thoughts, too. I just believe that either both people should feel that way, or there should be no relationship at all.

Unconditional support is for children and clients, people who aren't involved in my needs at all and who it's appropriate to have one-way relationships with. A significant other gets to tell me that I can't meet my needs with other men and women, so my needs become theirs to meet. That's just being fair.

By the way, I never said "all of my needs" or "all of the time". This isn't about perfection.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

You have very conditional thinking here and everything you seem to do "for him" seems to have tied to it what he "should" be giving back to you in return. Love doesn't expect a return on it's investment it hopes to give to the other person, period. What we receive in return is nice but should never be the reason we love someone or are with them.

I did what I did just to make him happy for several months. I'm getting to the point where, as a self-sufficient and self-respecting adult, I have to ask myself if I'm investing my time and energy in something that's healthy to have in my life or something that does nothing but drain me. Do I want a man who'll care for his birds in a particular way, but not his girlfriend (and eventually, his wife and the mother of his children)?

Speaking of children, what if what our children needed was different from what he most liked to give? Would he just forget to show them love in ways that a child can understand? Would a man who has a one-way relationship with his wife be attentive to loud, rambunctious, needy children? As a mother who would most likely be working my own job, would it be sane to have children with this man and split my energy between work, husband, and children when I receive next to nothing?

Just liking something doesn't mean it's a good thing to have in your life, whether it's junk food or a junk relationship. Love can be destructive, such as when a person doesn't question if what they're doing is healthy just because they have positive emotions towards a person and believe they should give and give and give. That's one way people wind up in toxic and abusive relationships.

According to your reasoning (that love just wants to give), this isn't a man who loves me, anyway.

[GradStudent15]

Originally Posted by Lorn

I'm in a long-term relationship that works well... except when it comes to both of us feeling appreciated for what we do. While one of us is happy to just spend time together and do whatever the partner wants (him), the other wants verbal and physical signs of affection given freely (me). We've read about love languages, but even though I make an effort to speak his I only see sporadic efforts from him such as the first week after a request. This contradicts with his usual "let's do what you want to do" attitude and has me scratching my head.

I try to be forgiving because he grew up in a neglectful household, and this is his first serious relationship.

The only suggestions I've been able to find for couples where one partner will not budge from their position are:
1) Be patient and continue to be loving towards your partner, since they'll be more willing to reach out if they're happy.
2) Stop seeking your love language entirely and appreciate their love language instead.

Uh... flat-out no to the second because I only do two-way relationships, and I'm currently waiting on results with the first.

Any suggestions from couples who've overcome this? How long can someone be expected to show patience before they have to start prioritizing their own feelings?

My husband and I are currently working through this. What's currently helping us is that we are being straight forward and honest about what we need. We both have also acknowledged that we are not very good at the others love language. And as annoying as it is right now, we are asking for specific things to be done. In my case I need to hear more things from my husband, so I will tell him "Husband, I need you tell me that I'm beautiful/why you love me/etc.' The goal is that eventually we will learn what makes the other happy.

Now we haven't worked it all out yet, but as of right now, its working well. The key is that both of us are willing to work on doing what the other wants/needs. Its a lot of communicating in clear and candid ways.

[bixkf]

I don't know if I'll ever get it...though I'm rather patient. But I really believe that my wife doesn't even know what love language she speaks. We've been to a therapist (which she doesn't want to go to anymore since she's tired of talking) and my wife is of the adamant opinion that we aren't intimate anymore since I'm not romantic to her (oh and I don't have a six-pack). She is also of the opinion that I've never been romantic.

Now as a quick aside, those of you that have looked at my other posts and profile know that I'm bisexual and have a bit of a preference for guys. The more I look inside myself, it may be true that I don't "get" women...I get guys but women are too complex for me...which may be the reason I'm preferring "straight-forward men".

However, I love my wife "to the ends of the earth, and beyond" and am faithful and dedicated. I do want to be :MORE: for her. I've talked with my wife to find out what she wants or expects, but she has no answer. She says "I" have to be the "man" and figure it out. She told me if I can't figure it out on my own, find a book or research it on the internet. It's like being told to find a way to get the stars, so you build a rocket and then find out that all she wanted was a picnic at night with you.

Well, I'm working on it. I've got two pages of notes with ideas on how other people are romantic to their partners. I consider them and see if they fit with both our languages. It's funny to see how many of these recommendations I already do daily. Every day I talk to my wife about her plans and goals, how she's feeling, I provide encouragement. I listen to her, really, I mean I actually do listen. Last night I asked her if she had anything going on the next day. I received a nasty response about all the chores she has to accomplish (feed the horses, fold the laundry, make supper). She said she was annoyed that I ask her over and over again the same question, which always has the same response.

So whereas some people find that talking and listening to their partner is romantic, the fact I've been doing that same thing for years in annoying. So if I start taking her on a date night each week, how long before that becomes annoying? It's like a no-win situation (the Kobyashi-Maru scenario for those Trekkies out there). If I don't do something, I'm not romantic...if I do it regularly I'm annoying. She's told me she tired of me saying "I love you" so often.

So recently, I bought her a $500 necklace/earring set, and got a kiss out of it. I've been leaving Post-It notes each morning on the mirror in the bathroom telling her different ways that I love her. Next week, I have a surprise spa visit for the two of us in the middle of the week. I know I'm being negative here, but I am expecting that by the end of the month, my wife will tell me that I am trying to hard, doing too many things that "aren't me" and that she is getting overwhelmed. On the otherhand, maybe she'll be happy and we be closer and we'll get intimate again.

Like I said, I don't get it.