Horrible trap with no way out.

I'm sorry if I am taking a dump on everyone's advice. It's not intentional and I do appreciate your words. I'm a pretty sharp individual (but ruled by powerful emotions) and a lot of things people are suggestions I know or have tried. But please keep it coming because at the least it is helping me to reflect.

i'm not saying they are being needy just that they are being SELFISH! 99% of people in this world are very selfish "what's in it for me" particularly in big cities.
sometimes fostering friendships can appear that way, me and my best friend have BPD so it's great when we don't see each other or return each other's calls because we can really tear into each other( and we do!) but i don't go crazy if he doesn't call me back..i just give him crap when he does LOL! he does the same to me, if i'm with a female friend and he calls i'm not going to take my attention off her to talk to him..he knows this and does the same with me.

i don't get mad, i'll probably call him later on today or tomorrow eventually he'll call me back if he doesn't respond, if he doesn't i'm not going to lose it.

if you really want to have some fun you could do this with rosa too, even though it seems she is a jerk wad, there are ways to deal w/people like her! LOL!

at the end of the day, you have to MAKE other people to contact..every time you step outside your door is an opportunity to meet someone, i know so many people there are people i run into occasionally they remember me, my name and everything idk who the F*** they are, don't remember 'em, LOL!

well i understand where you are coming from, you are just frustrated right now,
but you gotta keep doing these thing and more until you get the results you want! don't give up

I say block Rosa, she's adding misery to your life.

The beat does March on...

I don't know why people are so hot and cold, at times. Just sucks, when it becomes a recurring trend, at the mercy of everyone elses little cliques.

Was reflecting on a similar wavelength this morning. Why weren't friendships more than acquaintance level, where I just moved from. Some part, not related to any of them, all living with their extended families, in different homes. Another part, hadn't married right man, social circles form through husbands. And then being a divorcee, in family orientated community.

If i want city friends, need to become active socially. Reconnect with old friends, type of thing.

Hope your family hasn't marred your chances for connections.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

update: i just went out tonight at met 3 new friends at a "pub" great time they bought me shots and everything! gotta get out to meet people and have fun!

Warning: this is a long & honest post.

To the OP: I totally relate to your situation. The EXACT same thing is happening to me in terms of making & maintaining connections. It really sucks.

What I hate is that people try to downplay the situation for what it is. How can you tell me that you value me as a friend/person when my repeated, CONSISTENT attempts to reach out are deflected??? And when I sit with you face to face & directly ask what the issue is, in as civil of a manner as I can muster (since I can't force you to talk to me or like me) I don't get direct answers???

It's that very reason why the Rosas I come across I stop contacting. I was only called because _____ wasn't answering their phone or because ____ had ____ to do. At some point they realize they no longer have my attention & all of a sudden I'm 'missed'.

I just let that call, that text, that email go unanswered.

I'd rather be visibly alone than symbolically alone. I have no time for anyone's games or to entertain anyone's childish bulls**t. I hung on to those people for as long as I did not because I wasn't aware of what they were doing - but because I WAS aware of them mistreating me & I was desperate to entertain them since I wanted to be able to say I had friends: and they knew that. We all know what people think of those who don't have friends. And trust me: anyone who treats you like a Rosa in life is NOT a friend or a good candidate for a potential romantic interest.

Just like you, I have done many things & had many opportunities (& still have) to make new friends. At this point I'm well aware there's something about me that puts people off because in an entire group of people I'm the ONLY person who is treated differently with that blatant disrespect; which is ironic given people always tell me that I'm a very respectful person.

Being too busy, 'I just see you as my ____ friend', or having ___ to do is not an excuse. Yes, we're all aware you do have a life outside of me. That's obvious. However those are things people say/do because they are avoiding having as much contact as possible with that one person who's just ok to talk to on occasion or when they feel up to it or its convenient for them. It hurts even more when this happens with EVERY SINGLE PERSON you come across. Frankly, like you said, it's annoying - especially since most people who don't experience this don't understand. All they see is what you could've/should've do/ne the next time & it is NOT that simple. If it was, people dealing with this issue wouldn't be where they are. What makes it worse is hearing that this is a relatively simple issue to solve. Again, if it was, the problem wouldn't exist.

I won't say 'just do ___' since I'm basically in the same situation...I live in the city too & as friendly as I try to be I'm constantly met with unfriendly, haughty people. What I will say, though, is don't make the mistake of thinking you're alone like I once did. Yes, it's incredibly painful & that's more than understandable. But if you do a few searches online, you'll discover just how common this is.

To everyone else: Btw, if anyone has any magic remedies, I'd like to know.

In all seriousness though, if you have advice outside of the obvious I'm willing to hear it.

guys...(or gals, i don't want ot sound like an idiot here)

first of all, let me say this..there are a lot of a**holes in this world, seriously
there are. the big cities of this earth are full of them. if you run across them
(which invariably you will, they land on me a lot) you have to let it roll off your back.

secondly i will tell you a little secret about people that most don't know.
most people are superficial and shallow and first impressions are everything.
whenever i go out in public i make certain i look my very best, i ALWAYS, ALWAYS dress nice, the nicer you can afford the better FIRST IMPRESSIONS REALLY ARE EVERYTHING. last night i went out to a bar and had people buying me shots, one guy thought i was a lawyer or something, i get that question all the time, i go to places like wal mart and whatnot and people open doors for me, do they have to..of course not..but they do, i love it & it does wonders for my self esteem (hee hee, or ego if you wil! LOL!)

why do you think pretty girls get so much attention?? most pretty girls i know are a**holes ( not all, most) but most often they don't have too much trouble getting a date.It doesn't hurt that i am quite handsome ( all of my ex girlfriends say i stay in the mirror too much also, hee hee) but you do have to make yourself as attractive as possible whether you have natural beauty or not. i don't know how either of you guys dress but appearance is very important as to why whether people want to be around you, hang out with you or be your friend( yes i know it's stupid really..it shouldn't matter but it does, quite a bit actually) nobody want to be the one to befriend "a slob" or a "bum" this is how people think. sure they will be nice in a group setting, but one on one forget it, they may even exchange numbers to "be nice" are they really going to take the time to get to know you or hang out with you...probably not

third, assuming the above is not an issue, i would say there could be something you guys are doing that is putting people off, i.e being obnoxious,
that is one thing people really get put off by, people that are blunt,rude
these things put people off. me personally i am a social butterfly and i get on quite well with people so i'm throwing out some tips because something is wrong here..this shouldn't happen with EVERY single person you know, in reality it isn't that difficult to make friends, i have hard time when they come over to get them to go home!

fourth people that come around and always ask for things( money,help,assistance) people will avoid you because of this, it is also important to be self sufficient, be able to buy your own food ,drinks etc.
i don't personally know each of you guys situations but something is amiss here.

i do hope this helps and good luck guys, keep trying! don't give up..making friends is like second nature to me, a lot of time i don't even think about it.
when i need some companionship i call em up, but i would prefer to be around gf personally though

I just wanted to say hi. I hope you find happiness.

Well I'll be your friend if you like. I'm not judgmental, at least not with people who have not wronged me in some way. If you would like to talk sometime send me a PM and tell me how your days been.

I would agree with one caveat.....I am attractive (so I've been told, although not at ALL conceited as I was the total ugly duckling as a kid, and thru highschool so ego had not a chance! lol) but in that respect, a lot of men, most in fact think I have no problem finding dates, that I'm terribly popular and they have no chance.

What they don't know, is that I can be shy....that most men who DO hit on me are losers by their own description but figure they've nothing to lose, or 'stock handsome' with similarly shallow aspect....the regular, kind man, good man....(and trust me, I prefer men who are NOT the George Clooney type)...they think they don't have a chance, and don't try...and lots of times... most times, I'm too shy to just...........

Just because the woman is attractive, men...........don't think she isn't lonely and looking. Never make assumptions. That goes for women too.

Just sayin.

I am all those things you say. Confident in social environments. Friendly. Easy to talk to. I wouldn't say I look smart and slick, but I have a certain hippie clique about me that people usually see as interesting. Not bad looking either and in pretty good shape. I generally fit in well when I go places. Bars and clubs are a bit awkward to go alone to however. Most people tend to stick to the people they came with in places like that, with those on the outskirts occasionally brushing against each other as they queue at the bar or whatever. Short conversation might ensue, but then people are right back to their friends.

All my experiences going to bars on my own have gone something like this. Buy a drink and sit at the bar. No one approaches me, but I swap a few words with people as they buy a drink. Later on in the night when people are drunk and loose their inhibitions a bit I might end up sat at a table with a bunch of people I don't know and one of them might talk to me. The rest of the night I'm stood about, not really enjoying the experience as people around me affirm their friendships with one another. No one wants to talk to the person they don't know, only the people they do.

I have tried going out and spotting other people who are alone and might welcome the attention, but it's few and far between because people just don't go out on there own much.

It is easy to make friends when you already have friends. It tends to snowball. You go out with friends, meet their friends, meet friends of friends of friends, etc. You start with a connection and people are welcoming and because they don't want to upset existing contacts by ignoring the people they are with. If you are with no one, no one has a reason to talk to you.

What strikes me as odd is that that as soon as people get friends they look down on people trying to get in on the action. It's clan mentality. Take the Rosas of the world. I try to foster a friendship with her and she is annoyed and harassed because I am just an acquaintance; all-be-it an acquaintance she gets along well with and has a positive experience with at every meeting. But all those friends she has already were once just like me, only becoming close friends because either they, or her, made the effort to do so. That kind of thinking is selfish and hypocritical, but it is the way almost all people are. It leaves me stuck unless I can find someone who is actually looking to make friends, which at my age (32) is rare because most people are already established.

There's been a lot of good information and support given here... but I suspect that nothing anyone says will have much affect on you. Frankly, you're too stuck on the way you've been thinking for so long that finding a way out of your "horrible trap" isn't something you're capable of doing right now. No matter what anyone says, you seem to always have a reason to continue thinking and acting the same way you've thought and acted in the past.

As it has been pointed out, something is amiss here. If ALL of your attempts to make friends result in your being rejected, then perhaps it's about time you took a good hard look at the way you THINK and stop blaming your inability to make a connection on everyone else!

You create your own reality by the way you think and perceive the world around you.

You become the person you think you are... That is, you see yourself as a loser that no one likes or wants to be friends with... You can tell me that that isn't what you think until the cows come home, but it's exactly what you think of yourself... It's what you've been telling everyone in every post you've made here. C'mon dude! Read between the lines!

You need to take a look at your own self-perception. What are your expectations when it comes to making friends? Are they reasonable? Are you judging other people that don't want to be friends with you? WHY?? Are you blaming other people for not wanting to be your friend? WHY?

What are you thinking? HOW are you thinking?

You need to change your perspective!

I hope you learn to understand yourself better...

Anyway, I'm not saying this to be the bad guy or hurt your feelings, I'm just giving you my take an what I see happening with you. If you think I'm full of BS, cool... ignore what I just said... sort of like you've been doing with everyone else.


Dan

But I DON'T have a problem making a connection with people. I have a problem with being the tenth person on the list when they decide who they are going to spend time with. To become closer friends with someone you have to share experiences, make memories, etc till you are at a point where you can trust them. You can only do that if people make the effort and take the chance, which no one seems willing to do because they already have people that they can do that with.

When Rosa was sending me those text the other day I told her that I was sorry if I was bothering her I was just getting frustrated that no one ever accepts my invitations. I don't have the text she sent back but it went something like: "You're spinning me garbage. I know what you are like. You've got lots of friends. You were one of the most popular people at class".

I don't project the image of a loser to people and I don't act like a miserable sod around them. I understand that no one wants to talk to a guy who's like that. Not that I'm a totally closed book. If I'm stressed out or having a crap day, I'll say so, but I won't go on about it. Maybe "I" feel like a loser, but other people don't see me that way and usually think I'm a fun guy to be around.

It's true that there's a lots of advice here, but none of it helps much. Again, I'll ask what to do in this situation. A person gives you their number and tells you to call them. You invite them out, but they turn you down, promising "next week perhaps".

Do you call them next week, or do you hope that they call you? It's all well and good saying, "just call someone else", but there might not be anyone else, and if there is, it's just the same situation again.

So the only real advice has been to accept the loneliness and stop trying. But that's easier said than done because life is so impoverished without good friends. It's turning summer time and people are going to be taking camping trips, going on holiday, sitting in beer gardens late into the evening, going to BBQs and all the other fun stuff that people do. I on the other hand am going to be stuck in the house with my face pressed up against the window. Am I just supposed to accept that! Or do I make that call and try just one more time?

i couldn't agree with you more, i do make that mistake as well and assume
sometimes an attractive woman is taken and there have been times i'm guilty of not trying also, sometimes i guess i can be lazy and don't feel like putting up the effort...with other guys i guess i could be that sometimes guys get intimidated by an attractive woman at times, so yes i do think a lot of times us guys do make assumptions other times i think guys are afraid of rejection, my best friend he is horrible with this..we will hang out sometimes, he sees an attractive woman tells me he is interested and does nothing

i tell him, go say something to her, the worst she can do is say she is not interested..it's not like she is going to slap him in the face for trying to hit on her,wtf??

but a lot of times if a guy doesn't have a lot of self confidence, they are not going to take a chance on getting rejected, the losers like you say already know what's coming hee hee! they already know they have nothing to lose ha ha ha

p.s. i still think you have no problem finding a date! hee hee

I can relate. I am stuck in suburbia with no car, recently broken up with boyfriend, and don't know anyone here. With no way to get around, I'm pretty isolated. Lately I've been going to events in my apartment complex, and have slowly been gaining my confidence back to just start talking to people. I'm a bit introverted and not naturally one to work a room, so it hasn't been easy.

It seems that you have belonged to a number of groups that have start and end dates. Have you ever thought about hosting a gathering for the members at your home? It could be a "farewell" thing where everyone has an opportunity to exchange contact info with everyone else and you doing the same wouldn't seem out of place.

Do you belong to any other BBS services? Maybe one about a hobby, interest, or your favorite sports team? I once organized a happy hour for a bunch of regulars on a board, and I not only made a very good friend that way, I also met my ex-hub that way.

Or maybe you could start a group on Meet-Up, and be the organizer.

The overall point here is to step up and be a leader. This way you aren't focusing on just one or two people, but coming into contact with a whole bunch of people at once with whom you already know you have at least one thing in common. They will also be turning to you and contacting you for information, to make suggestions, etc., which will give you an opportunity to show people how kind, fun, and together you can be--the sort of person people want to be friends with.

It could be a challenge, but sometimes being proactive and grabbing the bull by the horns all gung-ho is the way to go because you'll be so busy answering questions and making plans that you won't have time to focus on yourself and wreck your own confidence.

i noticed a couple of things in your conversation..you say you were at the bar & no one approaches you..for me ( i could be wrong, often i am!) i get the impression you are expecting people to come up and start talking to you,
that's probably unlikely..you are going to have to start conversations with people, if its a girl you are talking to or even a guy( i'm just talking making friends here) don't be afraid to buy the next round or something.

also you said you weren't enjoying yourself the rest of the night..people can sense that..body language, posture etc. i always enjoy myself when i go out to a bar, sometimes i just like to drink and watch the people..hee hee it's fun.

one other thing i notice is to me it appears you are trying to be friends with other people's friends...what you want to do is create your own circle of friends, i'm not friends with any of my best friends friends, he has his other friends and i have mine, i'm sure they would look at me as an outsider or maybe even a threat! "normal" people are weird! and they think i'm the crazy one!! LOL!

so that takes me back to the "Mexican standoff" sometimes you have to be that way, i won't beg anyone for their friendship, either you want to be my friend or you don't i don't really care either way, i'll live.

i don't believe age has anything to do with making friends that's JMHO
but really i don't. so you're not stuck..you're just frustrated, maybe lonely
and putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make friends, i think you should be more concerned about having a good time and let things happen naturally.
when i go out to a bar i go out with the intention of having a good time...
i never say i'm going to the bar because i need to make some friends.
if you are having a good time and making casual conversation in time you'll make friends it's a natural side effect

Interesting thread and have enjoyed reading the comments on here.

To the OP, you remind me a lot of someone I used to know. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental as is merely an observation but you seem to have a great deal of hostility towards people who you seem to say have failed you or let you down by not being your friend or not going out with you when you want. You may think you hide that hostility but it can show despite the best of efforts and may be one of the things people find off putting.

If it becomes clear someone doesn't want to hang out with you or even if they do but just not right now, then you need to learn to forget that and move on. Obsessing over the reasons why is going to drag you down. You'll never really know why - you may have caught them at a bad moment, they may be doing something else with established friends, they may just not want to spend time with you. Or, as others have said they could have their own issues, suffer from anxiety, be insecure about you or how you think about them. One thing I've learned is that a lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression and hide it well. They may seem very sociable with their longstanding friends but those will be the result of possibly years of building trust. These people don't know you yet - it takes time for some people to feel comfortable with friends so just because they seem hesitant at first, doesn't mean things couldn't develop over longer periods - years maybe. So perhaps look at the bigger picture if you're able. And don't be too intense too soon as that could scare potential friends away.

As others have said, neediness is off putting. If someone doesn't respond to a text and it's someone you don't know well / have just met, it is going to be a red flag to them if you chase them up or get annoyed with them. The hard truth is they don't owe you anything, nobody does. And even if you get someone's phone number or they go out with you once or twice, it still doesn't mean you're necessarily going to be close friends. Nothing is guaranteed so learning to live with the uncertainty is another good skill.

And you do seem to be putting the focus of your self worth onto other people. You'll never really understand them, it's all theory. Why not concentrate for now on getting to know yourself. Do something non social for you - start a correspondence course, read the complete works of Shakespeare, take a car maintenance course. Anything that doesn't provide you with the opportunity to confirm your own negative social beliefs but instead gives you a sense of personal achievement.

As always, I often find it hard to follow my own advice but I do genuinely believe all the above and do attempt to put it into practice and things aren't as bad for me socially as they used to be. And I certainly feel better about myself by not focusing on others quite so much and instead getting to know myself.