Single for Good?

Recently I've lost my faith in any ability I may have to bond with another person. I'd been chatting, texting, skyping with this guy for over 3 months, and we finally met in person last weekend (since we live so far away from each other, it was difficult to find a weekend that accommodated both our schedules). Seriously, I drove for 7.5 hours to get to his house (and the drive home was over 9 hours). I drove over the mountains which terrified me, and my car battery almost died on me. But I went because we were both so excited to finally meet each other, and after the first night, he told me he wanted us to start dating. I wanted it too, and the next few days were also great. For the rest of the week after I drove home, he seemed to be avoiding me, not texting or talking as often as he usually does. Last night (which was a rough night to begin with) I asked him about it. He started out by saying that he didn't think the long-distance relationship would work out. Although I agreed, I also felt very strongly that long distance wasn't why he really wanted to quit the relationship. So I asked him again what was going on, and he told me he didn't think our personalities worked together. I asked him in what way did they not work together, and he didn't give me any clarification. Needless to say, we broke up, and the rest of the conversation was not pretty.

You might wonder why it's such a big deal to me -- we'd only known each other for a few months, and had only just met in person. For right or for wrong, here's why I was so upset: first, I resented that he tried to BS me and just avoid the issue. I also resent that just because he's got a few hang-ups about this relationship (which he won't even explain to me), he's unwilling to even try to make the relationship work when we'd only just begun. And I know it's unfair to use this against him, but I resent that after making that drive to his place and back, simply to accommodate him, he doesn't want to take this any further. Also he set the stage for the relationship in the first place -- he told me he wanted to start dating. I realize it was stupid of me to fall for that, but if he had doubts or second thoughts, why'd he say that in the first place? I feel like I was just a good time to him, and I didn't understand why he wasn't being honest with me. Most of all, I feel like an idiot, because I feel that he royally screwed me over. Do I attract these types of guys? Why do I always date this type? Will I die old and alone? I'm 28, all my friends are either getting married, married already, or married/divorced with kids. I feel like a loser around them. And hey, I am not saying that I am perfect, or that I'm easy-going, or that I'm so incredibly desirable. I just ask for honesty, that's all.

You had to drive all this distance just to meet him for the 1st time, of course you're pissed. The next time the guy should make all that effort in the beginning, not you.

I'm 35 and the few friends I have left are hardcore single. The married/with kids ones have their own lives, I'm not interested in their kids and marriage, they're not interested in my "loser life," and we don't communicate much.

*Do* you always date that kind of guy? If so, I would think back on my past relationships and make a list of everything that those people have in common. Then don't date anyone who matches those attributes. That's what I did -- I was single for a year, but it really worked out well for me.

It sucks when you feel like you got played. Having to drive 8 hours for the privilege makes it even worse

Oh, sweetie, I am sorry that happened to you. I am lonely, too, 39 and everyone in my department at work is married. I have no other friends and am not making any friends because I am scared of getting played. At least you gave it a shot!

I could say so much...but I will try to stick with just a couple things..

"chatting, texting, skyping with this guy for over 3 months"....it is REALLY hard
to get to know WHO someone is by doing just these things. We start to fantasize
about who they might be...who can live up to that?

I know it could be difficult to try and get to know someone who is long distance. But I do not think we really get to know them until we spend some time with them..in person - and it still takes awhile. With that said, it would not be safe do do all that driving to see someone you did not get to know very well. If you want to meet them - long distance..he would be the one to come see you..and not stay with you - be safe - he would have to prove himself.

You got yourself into an emotional relationship...but not in person. Those can be very exciting.. but risky & not based in reality.

A lot of us have done this - ouch ouch ouch

I do understand why you are not happy about this...I hope he treated you well while you were there,

"I'm 28, all my friends are either getting married, married already, or married/divorced with kids. I feel like a loser around them. And hey, I am not saying that I am perfect, or that I'm easy-going, or that I'm so incredibly desirable. I just ask for honesty, that's all. ".....

Those other friends will have there own problems - and may even envy your freedom.

Your smarter for this...remember this when it comes to the next guy. I'm not sure this guy was trying to be a jerk...maybe he let his mind wonder about you...and in reality it would be hard to have a long distance relationship..hopefully he learned something too.

Chances are good you won't be single forever. I found my fiance when I wasn't even remotely looking for a relationship--it was an accident, and he made it so I couldn't resist taking a chance on him.

28 really isn't that old, though I know it feels old. I was 26 when I met my fiance and still thought it was going on too late for me. My best friend is 35 and still waiting to meet the right person.

Also, this is my 10th relationship (not counting the ones that lasted less than a week, lol). None of the others were very good or lasted very long, probably because I don't hold on once I realized things weren't right. This didn't mean I was bad at relationships or doomed to be single, just that I was waiting for the right person. I'm awfully glad I kept giving people chances, though.

I would guess that driving 7 1/2 hours in the US to see someone who you think you have a future with isn't that big a deal. It would be a bigger deal in the UK. Maybe you should have chosen a neutral place to get together for the first time. But you had a good few days so chalk it up to experience and move on. 28 really isn't that old.

7 1/2 hours (and a little over 9 hours to get back home) is quite long, actually... also I was driving in the mountains, which terrified me, especially since my car battery almost died. Just so you know.

hey hvert, glad to hear that things are working out for you now, and yeah that sounds like a smart idea. I'll do it and see how it goes...

I'm kind of in the same boat, it's been about 4 years since I've had an actual human being in my life outside of the family. I'm 29, had a distance skype deal or two, much like you, but it seems inevitable that something comes up in real life for them and they pull back without ever giving a real reason. While we're still stuck here. Feeling foolish for putting forth so much effort and not being met halfway. It's a bummer, but it gets easier. It gets harder.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone in being alone. And marriage and children aren't always something to envy. Think there are a ton of advantages to taking an alternative route in life. The fact that you're still functioning is something you should pat yourself on the back for... somebody deserving of you will pop up with time and as you learn what it is exactly you're looking and not looking for.

And why is that? Because he's the guy? That makes very little sense at all. It should not come into play whether it's the guy or girl that does this, but who is willing and ready to make the trip. gender has nothing to do with a long trip to meet someone.

If it were to be fair it would only be so if both met halfway. Otherwise the same argument could be made for the other side.

Just sayin...

I am only here to make some comments as to your assumptions that are feeding your anger in the situation.

In his defense you don't know if he already had the reservations. In a situation where a person comes to see you from a long distance, typically anyone would want to make the best of it and he may have enjoyed the time with you and thought his reservations were minor in the beginning. He too may have been caught up in the moment.. the excitement of having met you for the first time after being long distance.. etc clouding his vision while you were there.

He had time to ponder and consider all the facts in a less emotionally charged state after you left. Granted, it hurts, I'm not minimizing that but please don't write this guy off as having done something to you. The chance that it would work out were 50/50 as you had not met him yet.

You know this is unfair, so why think it? First off, were you obligated to be with him because you had made the trip? I think not, the tables would be turned if you were the one to choose that you dont' want to pursue this. Accommodating him is a stretch, it makes it sound like this was all FOR HIM... yet YOU wanted a relationship too. This was not just for him, you would have benefited from it also if you got together as a couple. This assumes you didn't have your own needs in mind here.

I will agree that he shouldn't have jumped the gun on this and was probably impulsive in saying that. This was the biggest mistake I can see in the situation. What I see is a guy that was caught up in the moment, and after the excitement passed he rationalized why this would not work. and minimize it or not I am going to bet that the long distance factored into it even if he didn't push that.

I don't think so. that's not how I see it at all. Again I think he did enjoy your time but had time to think about it after the fact and like anyone he has the right to change his mind. Wouldn't you? If you had been all into it and thought about the reasons it wouldn't work out after the fact, would it be fair to say that if you change your mind you'd be screwing him over? You're not an idiot, relationships are hard, sometimes they work out, many times they do not. It doesn't make you an idiot for taking a chance, it makes you a person with courage and that's something to be proud of. He didn't screw you over whatsoever, try to remove some kind of blame off this situation as if he did something to you or what not. He took a chance with you too, give him that. Nothing in what you've said has alluded to the idea he was playing games at all.

Why was he not honest at first? it's hard when you know the other person is going to be hurt. I won't judge because I know there are many people out there that will try to soften the blow when they have to break up with someone and be honest. Give him that, it's human. It's not good nor right but most of us do this.

I'm not sure what "type" of guy you mean? In everything you've said it doesn't seem to me that he's any type of bad guy.. just one that didn't find that pursuing a relatonship with you. That doesn't make him bad, evil, mean or a player. It just is the way it is.

Honestly if he thought it was JUST a good time, 1, he would never have been with you for the MONTHS he was that's a lot of work and time to put into a single "good time". 2. A guy that is typically playing a game will not make the statement he wants to date and then very soon after break it off. No, he would either have sent you on your way after his good time, or he would be keeping up the "dating" idea for longer just so he could have more "good times" with you later.

I know you're hurt and I feel for you. I have been there and I know how hard it is, but in the beginning we tend to hate the person and pick at everything they've done til we're boiling over with anger, hurt and other emotions but the truth is after awhile we can see more clearly.

Hang in there.

You have plenty of time to find someone. A friend of mine has a grandma in her 70s who's recently married and seems to be doing pretty well. 28 is only the beginning.

There's nothing wrong with being single though. (I doubt I'm the best example seeing that I'm not even 20 yet but whatever) I'm apparently still at the age range where people just basically HAVE to look for a relationship for some reason. At first I felt left out, then a had a closer look at some of the relationships and I'm like "...really? That's what I'm missing? This is what everybody looks forward to?" There was unnecessary amounts of drama with some of the relationships, moments that just make me want to shout "You are an idiot" at some of those people, there were moments when I'm like "Ok, we get it.", and it seemed way too stressful than it needed to be. Only three relationships out of about...twelve seemed to work. Those three actually looked happy and know what to restrain while the other twelve separated and looked for new partners.

So, here I am along with a few friends (some that are actually still single (and older than me), kicking back and having a good time. Then when I go home on Fridays after school, have a mini celebration or something for surviving the week (homework, how I wish to chuck thee out thy window...).

The whole "once you turn 30, you won't find love" thing is just a lie. As long as you're still alive, you'll find someone. I'm sure you're a smart person and won't make those mistakes like those twelve couples did (I doubt all that has happened just sticks to one part of just one generation's existence like some adults say), but remember, there are perks for being single too. Take your time and enjoy yourself until then (well...when you do find love, keep enjoying yourself, just make sure it doesn't negatively affect the relationship).

It makes no difference who is what gender in the situation, what I was angry about was his lack of consideration and his unwillingness to meet me halfway. If you took offense at that I don't understand why. And yes, I was willing to make the trip, however he seemed unwilling to continue with the relationship, which irked me because I felt I was putting in all the effort. The fact that he was a guy and I'm a girl is irrelevant, it's more about two people in a relationship. Just sayin'. Sounds like you're quite sensitive about this if you're going to jump to conclusions like that, especially since you're replying to me in regards to a comment that wasn't even mine.

was not your quote. I was not replying to you nor did I take offense to anything you've said. I never misunderstood your statements and never thought you were making them in reference to him being of the male gender.

My response to you directly was separate.

first of all let me say this, you are not going to die old and alone..calm down, you are just rushing things a bit..you are only 28..you are still very young, relax, this is only one situation gone bad.

it sucks that you jumped in with both feet and wanted to turn it into a relationship right away...now you know why people sometimes say "let's take it slow".

i suppose something happened over the next two days that created a red flag for him & he tried to let you down nicely is my guess. the fact that he said he didn't think you guys' personalities worked out together solidifies my belief that something occurred that perhaps he had been through before and did not wish to experience again so he wisely ran for the hills and tried to let you down nicely with a BS excuse is my take.

If that be the case, better that he end it now before feelings get too strong between the two of you, and i believe this may be what has happened. now keep in mind i am not him, and this is only speculation..but for me it seems plausible( doesn't make it fair for you to drive that far, though) and reasonable as an explanation for his actions.

so keep in mind, the few days you guys spent together was his only time being around you..if you see red flags right away instead of foraging forward( like i usually do and it all goes down in flames) he decided to not continue when he knew there were problems right away( wish i was that smart!)

so you shouldn't feel like an idiot, he probably considered himself trying to protect your feelings and get out before anyone got hurt, so....an easy excuse to avoid a mess would be to say he didn't think the LD relationship would work, which of course you saw right through and forced him to get down to the real reason...the personalities thing, so with that being said something you did/about your personality turned him off..i believe this, he wasn't going to be direct because he probably didn't want to come off as an **hole so he took the easy way out.

so don't worry about your friends getting married/ married already because as you said some of them are divorced with kids..i do not believe a divorce is something you want to go through, if you don't believe me ask anyone that has been through one..they will tell you, it's not a walk in the park i can imagine quite a gut wrenching experience. so be not in a hurry, you are young and ok..take your time and find the right guy for you...you were not the right girl for him & that's ok..better to find out sooner than later! you only invested a few tanks of gas..that is a lot cheaper then fully investing your heart and being devastated yrs down the line.

so no you are not a loser or anything of the sort, you took a shot and you missed..it happens in the dating game..that's just how it is..happens to the best of us, you'll be fine.. hope this helps

Also if you've seen in any of my many posts here, I would reply the same if it were related to assuming female gender also. So there isn't a "sensitivity" related to males but that no one should make broad judgements about anyone based on them being male or female at all.

If I misunderstood the poster's comment that's my mistake but still. my statement remains true.

Oh, dear. I am sorry you are going through this. I want to promise you that you won't be single forever. Some people find their mate when they are very young, others when they are a bit older. It happens at different times for different people - I have friends of all ages (20s to 60s) who are happily single and fulfilled, and friends of all ages who are happily married. It just happens when it happens.

As one of those who still hasn't found the person to marry (I am 41) I can speak from experience when I tell you that it can be frustrating, lonely and exasperating. I have learned a few things along the way, however:
1) If a man is not willing to meet in person with a couple of weeks of chatting, then he might not be that serious about finding a relationship
2) If a man isn't willing to meet half way, he may not want to do the work or exert the energy it takes to be in a relationship
3) Surely there are some good single guys closer to you than 7.5 hours of driving - what types of activities do you enjoy? Have you thought about taking a community education class (golf, tennis, pottery, language)? It might be good to just broaden your horizons a bit and get to know some people outside of your regular circle.
4) I guess it is better to have only had to do that drive ONE time rather than do it a bunch of times and then find out he wasn't into a relationship

Sometimes we just have to let go knowing that much of what happens with other people will never be understood by us .... they are only going to say what they want to and even if it doesn't make sense, they may not ever give us the closure we need. We have to find that closure within ourselves. Letting go and moving on is hard, but it is so very necessary.

Sucks. In future, I would not have made the drive to meet someone in hopes a long term relationship could develop because it just doesn't make sense to me - how can you trust someone who lives an eight hour drive away - how can you really get to know and trust them. Stick to meeting people who live near you, so you can get to know them in person, first. It's too easy to not be one's real self over the internet.

"The next time the guy should make all that effort in the beginning, not you."....

I do not think that the man should make ALL the efforts.

If initially he wants to meet me bad enough ...and his car is in better shape than mine..I would want him to come see me. As we got to know each other in person..and I felt safe with him and safe with my car... I would meet him half way

Yes, you are right about many things, but what angers me is that, whatever his past experience was, he just assumed from whatever "red flag" registered in his mind (which he wouldn't even explain to me) that a relationship with me could potentially end the same way as a possibly traumatic one from before. He wasn't even willing to get to know me because I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and no offense to him but he's hardly perfect either. He wouldn't let me in or even give me a chance.

that is correct i believe, i do believe he assumed the worst. everybody is different, me personally i believe in giving every new person in my life a clean slate..innocent until proven guilty..now that hasn't worked out real good for me , but i keep doing it anyway.LOL! he may not think that way, some people believe in not giving too many or ANY chances...one bad move & they are out of there...now you can avoid trouble that way..but also you can also miss out on some really great people.

none of us are perfect...i know for certain i am not!! and we all make mistakes & you never know in his effort to avoid trouble..he may end up with someone much worse than you ( not saying you are bad or anything..you know what i mean) so yes you just have to chalk it up to his loss, for you to drive 7+ hrs to see him there must be some good in you, a lot of times starting a new relationship can be scary & communication is very important...none of us want to say the wrong thing for fear of wrecking it..sometimes it's hard to express out true feelings to someone we barely know, it's hard to take that leap of faith sometimes.

i do think either he was afraid of getting hurt for some reason or something happened over those few days, at any rate..all you can do at this point is chalk it up to experience, but not all guys are like that( so try not to take it out on the next guy you meet..he might be the one for you!) and what i mean is by not communicating his feelings to you or taking a chance on you..there are other guys out there that are on the same page you are, so again take your time and don't go out looking..whenever you look for it you'll never find it..just let things happen and continue to live your day to day life..the right time & the right place and the right person will come.it's never easy..but you want to be patient! hope this helps and good luck!

I don't think the man should make all the efforts either... but frankly, it felt like I was the one making all the efforts. I drove out there to see him because it was the only way we could meet (his work schedule didn't allow for time off). And in all fairness, I knew that. I'm just agreeing with you when you say that the effort should be mutual.