Relationship advice - please

Recently I have decided that I need a little bit of outside support and advice - and, of course, it involves someone else.

About 7 months ago I started dating a man. He and I decided to take it very slowly so that we could build a solid foundation and really get to know each other. Step by step we dated a couple of months and then agreed to an exclusive relationship.

Three months into our relationship he took a new job, in addition to his current part time job. And the new job involves a LONG commute (70 miles each way). So he works about 45 hours at one job, 20 hours at the other job and spends about 15 hours a week commuting. Plus he is the single father to a teen son. A VERY BUSY MAN!

With all of that going on, he still made time for me 2-3 evenings a week. After about 4 months he started having me stay at his house and he even cleaned out a drawer for me to keep my overnight things.

After 6 months we took a vacation together for 10 days. It was really easy to travel together and we had a good time. We returned about 4 weeks ago.

Since our return it feels like the wheels are really coming off the bus with him. He says he loves me, he says he misses me, but he says that he is just completely overwhelmed and exhausted and any time that he does has he feels like he should spend with his son. He says he has a lot of guilt about not being there for his son, for me or for anyone. He told me that in about 3 weeks he will end the 20 hour part time job and then he hopes to have some time.

I told him that I understood completely, he has a very full plate and it is a tough balancing act that he is trying to pull off. I said that I felt that his time with his son should be the priority and that I understood that we just might have to try to make it through the next 3 weeks with a bit of communication and snippets of time if any come up....I just expected him to touch base each day with a call, text or e-mail. I explained that I am very "verbal" person and I need words of love and reassurance if I cannot physically be near him.

Here are my questions:
1) He balanced his crazy schedule all before our vacation - and only seems to have run into problems now that we are back. Did the vacation trigger something that made him feel we don't have to spend as much time together?

2) Is he possibly trying to get out of the relationship - even though he has said that he wants to stay together and work through this?

3) He keeps trying to give me money for car repairs - Why?

4) I just want opinions, insight, into whether this man is invested in the relationship and overwhelmed, or if he is trying to do the slow fade out?

HELP! How do I handle this?

My thoughts after reading this is that he is telling you very plainly that he doesn't have time for you right now, but that he does love you and he expects the situation to be temporary. It seems only time will tell if after he gives up the 20 hr a week job whether he is able to balance his schedule to include you or not.

Quite frankly it seems like you are satisfied with so very little it can hardly be called a relationship. It seems like he has his whole life partitioned out to work and his son, and tries to squeeze in a tiny bit of time for you if he can - but no promises. Maybe I am reading this wrong? Taking a vacation made it easy to spend time with you, but once back to real life, you are very far down on the list of priorities.

I say all this having recently ended a relationship with a man very similar to this - he really broke my heart - he would give me lots of things and say there were no strings attached, but he was very good at keeping me out of his life for the most part - either working, going to AA meetings, exercising, or watching TV, texting, and keeping to himself almost all the time. It didn't start out like this. We had two vacations where we had a lot of fun - but back home it was back to living separate lives again.

He always gave me money and fixed my car and stuff like that - and it seemed all he wanted was thanks at first. Then later it became the only way he could display he cared for me, and if I was ungrateful or said I didn't need it, he felt rejected and unappreciated.

You want time with him, and he does not value time with you enough to make it a true priority. He's just giving you his leftovers. That is not satisfying. Maybe you should be the one to say "this is not worth it for me - I am worth more effort than this."

I can see how someone could hold things together for a while, go on vacation, and then come back and not be able to deal with the crazy schedule anymore.

If he was upfront from the beginning about wanting to take things slowly, it's hard to imagine that he is doing some sort of slow fade on you. Does he give any indication that he is the kind of person who would do that rather than just tell you flat out?

Also, I am not sure if I am misreading this --- has he not contacted you at all after telling you he was too busy for the next few weeks? How far into the three weeks are you?

Thank you so much for replying to me - your insight and advice is greatly appreciated. Words help keep me kind.

I am trying to remain strong and patient - and then make a decision after his 20 hour a week job ends in two weeks. If he does not show me that I am priority at that time then I think the only healthy thing for me to do - even if it will break my heart - is to let go and move forward without him in my life.

We do talk daily - sometimes it is only text or e-mail, other times it is phone. He initiates about half the time and I do the same. When I initiate his replies are immediate.

As far as doing the slow fade - I don't know. He seems like the sort of person who is pretty up front and honest about things, but he also seems like the type that never wants to be the bad guy. He has some serious abandonment issues (he was given up at birth and adopted, his adoptive father committed suicide when he was around 7, he was molested and then when he came forward at age 10 the molester committed suicide, he later married a woman with BPD who divorced him and afterwards she committed suicide).

So.... he is not exactly an easy person to figure out. If I felt like he was really wanting out of the relationship I would just end it and move on - but his signals are so confusing. He doesn't have time (which I can understand at the moment), but he does tell me he loves me and wants us to be together. He moves very slowly and cautiously, which I can understand because of his past.

Just hanging on and trying to keep my own sanity - focus on myself and not on him, which is almost impossible.

I hope the other two weeks go by quickly! If you guys are in touch every day and he is responding to you instantaneously, it sounds like he is very serious. From what you are saying, this does not sound like a slow fade at all to me.

Thank you for replying. I hope these two weeks go by quickly as well.

It is really hard for me because I keep analyzing, reanalyzing, and trying to figure out what has happened - logically I know he is swamped, but emotionally I just keep remembering how he managed to balance me in the crazy mix before the trip. Obsessing stinks!

HOW do I stop obsessing and just let go and wait to see what happens?

I've never been good at not obsessing, so I am not sure what to tell you. Distract, distract, distract!

What about telling him how you are feeling? And asking him why he was able to hold it together before the vacation but not after?

He has a lot going on in his life and what he has been through in his life. I'm not sure what you are dealing with. But he has to take care of himself and his child 1st. His actions will show you what he wants...I would not pressure him. It's hard because it sound like you really like him. Find out a way to chill yourself out. He is still going to have a son and a job even if he gets rid of one of the jobs - you can see if it will work for you.

Thank you. And you are correct, he will always need to take care of himself and his child first - and that comes from having a job. I understand that completely. I just do not understand how his words say one thing "I want to be with you" and his actions are completely the opposite.

"I want to be with you" is good...and now he will have to figure out how.
Let him let go of that other job and have time to think about how to add you. His actions will prove what he wants and can manage regarding a relationship. Words will keep you hanging on. Him.. not having enough time now or later may be an issue for you getting your needs met.

I will step back for a couple of more weeks - as I have done for the past few weeks. I am around, but doing my own thing while knowing he is pretty buried at the moment.

He called last night and we went out for a drink - spent about an hour catching up. He looked exhausted and stressed. It was nice that he made that time for me, although I could tell that he may have preferred being home on the couch.

The son is a junior this year and is in an International Baccalaureate program with finals just around the corner and some serious projects due. He is stressed out too - so I can understand my boyfriend wanting to be there with him as much as possible.

I guess that for now I just allow myself to be in a holding pattern of sorts. When he has a more relaxed schedule if his actions match his words and my needs are met I have no worries - and if he still continues to be words without actions I might need to move on?

I'm in a relationship and trying to juggle my girlfriend and my daughter. We live in the same town and I only have my daughter 4 days every two weeks, but it's still wearing. The longer I am juggling things the harder it gets.

If he is quitting his 20 hour a week job that might ease up on his stress, and when his son gets to summer break things might ease up a bit too.

If you love him give him some time to work out his life.

And on a side note, I noticed you are in Wyoming, that is where I'm originally from, really miss the mountains.

Thank you for that insight - it sounds like you are in a similar position as a father and a boyfriend. I do really love him and I am willing to give him time (and any help he might need as well, while he gets through this rough patch). I just hope that the feelings are mutual - he isn't much of a "talker" when it comes to expressing his intentions (or maybe he just doesn't know). At any rate, I would rather give my love, my patience, and my kindness than hold it back - even if it doesn't work out I will know that I tried and I was true to myself.

Yes, I live in Jackson and I get to see the Tetons every day. I love it here and I am happy to be home! I am a "native" and I moved away for a few years, but now that I am back I think it would be hard for me to move anywhere else again. Where do you live now?

This is a tough one to figure out. It does seem that something about the vacation together impacted him in a negative way. But there seems to be no clue as to what that was. It sounds as though he may be a lot less verbal than you are, and he may have a lot going on in his head that he has not shared. Getting him to share is what is needed, but that can be a major challenge.

He may genuinely be in a quandary about what it is that he wants to do. Again, getting him to talk more seems like what is needed.

Oh - there was a "situation" on our vacation...I guess I just didn't think it would still be hanging over us:

I invited him to Ireland to the wedding of a family friend. The wedding was wonderful - he and I had a great time socializing, dancing and holding hands. Although it was really easy to travel together and we had a good time, there was a MAJOR incident with one of my closest friends (the sister of the man who was married). During the wedding she got really agitated and told us that our PDAs were "unacceptable" (honestly the most we did was hold hands and he kept his arm wrapped behind me a couple of times at the reception - there was no making-out or anything of the sort). Anyhow, we were supposed to stay with her for about 4-5 days. After the second day she woke up and Jason was already awake and sitting in her family room - she apparently looked at him and said, "I've had enough of this, this has to stop, I just want my F#@!ing house back", and she stormed out. I was still sleeping. I came into the living room and he looked at me with this really odd expression but he didn't say anything except "good morning". She came back in and was very chipper with me, told me to have a great day and left - I thought she was addressing us both except I noticed she was only looking at me. After her departure he told me what had happened and how she had talked to him - I was shocked and felt horrible that he had experienced that treatment.

I immediately booked us into a B&B in a nearby town and I tried really hard to "fix" the damage. That first night he told me that I should spend some time alone with her - and that he was going to stay in and read. I went to her place and she came unglued on me, she told me that she thought I was a fool, that he was obviously taking advantage of me and that he was disgusting. I asked her why she felt that way and she just said, "because that's how I feel and that's how it is - he's making you look like a muppet." Quite honestly it was really like she was having a meltdown and she couldn't give me any exact reasons why she felt that way or any examples of what he had done. I was shocked, as I had felt none of those things.

So...this is probably where I was wrong... I went back to the B&B and told him what had happened and let him know that I thought she was completely wrong about him and that I wasn't going to be spending any more time with her. He was really hurt and I felt AWFUL that I had told him anything that she had said, but it was too late. I kept apologizing for telling him and I told him that I loved him very much and I couldn't understand what on earth was wrong with her. The next day he went golfing with her dad and he had a great time - her dad even apologized for her awful behavior.

We spent the rest of our trip traveling around and for the most part it was really relaxing and fun. However, her actions and words came up several times and they hung over both of us like a dark cloud. I just couldn't seem to do enough to assure him that I loved him and that I put no value in her words what-so-ever. He said that he didn't understand how I could be friends with someone like her. I told him that I had actually decided to put the friendship "away" because I couldn't really forgive her for what she'd said and done - and that I was at a loss for what else I could say or do to try to repair any damage that our time with her had caused so that what happened would not have an impact on our relationship.

We had a great couple of last days together in Dublin and everything seemed very nice and relaxed. We met his son (who had spent 10 days with my brother in a different part of Europe) and we all traveled home together. Things seemed fine.

So, all of that dirty laundry is now hanging out for all to see - what do you all think of that and how it might be affecting us now?

I think you are getting to the root of things. Your friend whose house you stayed at sounds really seriously mentally disturbed. If this is the first you are noticing this, then it sounds like you may not have known her too well.

Your boyfriend may be wondering about how much insight you have into people. To be brought to stay at the home of a stranger, who then attacks you for no reason, is an awful experience. Yet you handled it appropriately by going to a B and B. I think he has had his confidence in your judgement about people shaken. That's a bit unfair over one incident, but it sounds like this was very upsetting for him.

You described the trip as having gone really well, and then you mention this incident, as though you hadn't thought of it before. Maybe you have a tendency to gloss over things that need to be thought more deeply about. I have a feeling that's what your boyfriend thinks, but he's not going to verbalize it to you. Try asking him, specifically, if he feels you let him down by bringing him around this female friend. It may have left him wondering what other disturbing people you may introduce into his life. I'm not trying to be hard on you. You seem to have done all you could to correct the situation. But I think you'll find that this is what is on his mind. He has had horrible turmoil and trauma in his life. He does not want to be led into the kind of situation you described. It wasn't your fault, and that is why he is not saying much about it to you. Still, at some level, I suspect he feels let down that he was led into this by you. You didn't mean it to happen, but it did. You obviously do not know this girl very well. But you thought you did. Not your fault, but you do need to become more perceptive about people. This is what I believe he is thinking. Check it out. I could be all wrong.

Thank you for this. I will definitely ask him if it is still on his mind. I've known her for 20 years and she's been "*****y" before (thrown a pizza on my floor because I joked about it have anchovies, stormed out of a restaurant because her salad came with the wrong dressing), but she has NEVER done anything like this before. I told him that I had seen her do some strange things, but I also told him I had no idea she was capable of being this cruel.

And, in respective of my own personal boundaries, that friendship is "away". I cannot have someone in my life who can be that cruel and that unpredictable. It just isn't healthy.

Even if I do find out that this is what is bothering him, what can I do to make it better?

ACTIONS speak louder than words

Time will heal this over. It seems, he's into you. Just super busy and squeezing you in, best he can.

Trust, involves not second guessing.
When his schedule is back to normal, observe if any specific needs aren't being met, and communicate.



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This friend of yours has problems that go beyond being "*****y." I'm convinced of that, and and I haven't known her for 20 years. So I'm led to the suspicion that you tend to minimize things, until an explosion occurs. You may have a wonderful capacity for tolerance that I can even admire. Your boyfriend, however, may see this as an incompatibility between the two of you.

I understand you want to know where you go from here to preserve this relationship. Saying the friendship is "away" may be appropriate for making your own life better. I've not heard that expression before. It's not wrong to have friends who are mentally disturbed. It's just necessary to know how close to let them get to others in your life. At this point, I believe your guy is not worried about that particular friend. He is worried what other friends you might have, or make in the future. He is worried about your judgement regarding people. That's not something you can apply a quick fix to.

It's easy to say, "I'll dump this friendship for a relationship I care about." That's "quick-fix" thinking. If this gal is over there in Ireland, I don't see where she is much of a threat to your boyfriend's peace and tranquility. He's more worried about the nature of your relationships in general.

You talk about this girls behavior violating your "boundaries." How so? Not everything that is wrong with people is a boundary issue. That's just a hot bit of terminology that is very trendy to talk about at the moment. This girl became upset about you and your guy at the wedding. Yet you followed her home to her house. You crossed over past her boundaries. If someone is acting nuts, you don't go home to spend the night at their place. It's like you need things to go completely berserk, before you catch a clue that something is wrong. You may be a very blessed person who is not given to becoming over-sensitive about how people act toward you. That can be a great gift in its own way. I wish I was more like that. The downside, though, is that you may tend to remain a bit oblivious to stuff. That can be good too. But it may be what makes you very different from your guy. After only 6 months, you two have still got a lot to learn about each other. That is what has just happened.

This is not to say that the relationship is doomed, or that you have to remake yourself. Try getting your boyfriend to talk with you, and remember not to become defensive. Float these ideas by him, and see what he says. You can't change who you are. However, you may be able to have more insight into who you are and how that is troubling your guy. Sometimes, just being able to see what is bothering someone can go a long way toward helping them to get over it.

Thank you. Trust does involve not second guessing. However, I have to also take a deep look at myself and the horrible situation I put him in during our time in Ireland.

If it's still problematic, for him, absolutely address this.

I'm sensing, he's pulled away, physically due to longer hours, and how do i express...it's, time working, combined with this event, is tugging at your sense of security within the relationship, creating this desire to flee.

Though he has his wounded past, how far along is he in his healing process? If he's far along...stands to reason, yes, working on yourself is still a sound idea.

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I decided to address the incident in Ireland - although we had discussed it before - and he said that was absolutely not an issue for him and he did not think my judgement was off regarding people. He told me that one of the things he loves most about me is my willingness to accept others and my patience. He just thought that perhaps she was extremely jealous, a bit unstable and off balance - it all culminated with everyone around her being happy and in relationships and she just chose to lash out at us because we were closest at the time. He supported my decision to protect myself for putting the friendship "away" and he said that it was entirely my decision.

Now we will just wait and see if things clear up a bit once he has a bit more time in his schedule.

I guess I just need to figure out how to remain calm, not obsess and trust that everything will be ok.

Alright, I have made it through the first couple of days of this week. I am doing well and trying to focus on me and not him and his crazy schedule.

Logically, I've decided that if this is meant to work out, it will, and if it's not, then there will be something better around the corner for me.

Meanwhile, emotionally, I do have small panic attacks (even logically saying the above words) and I worry that he will never call - he always does. How do I stop obsessing and panicking?

it sounds like your bf is being honest and straightforward with you. the vacation probably just made him realize how unlivable his schedule really was and now he wants to change that. do you journal at all? i find that a great way to get my emotions out so they are not bothering me. try different things to relieve your anxiety. get some exercise. get involved in a hobby you love, etc. of course getting to the root of your anxiety is always good too. i think it's all going to be fine so do try not to read things into what he says that isn't there.