I know thats the name of a book but it describes my situation. On the surface my marriage looks good. I have food, a car, medical, a roof over my head. I dont work. But I dont need to be married to have that. I have been to a divorce lawyer before and I know I would be ok.
My marriage is a shell. I am lonely. We have been to counseling many times but my husband likes his lifestyle. Which is working in another state 4 to 5 days a week and coming home on weekends. This has been going on for 5 years. We dont have anything in common. We dont talk. We dont argue. Its empty. I'm not getting younger, I dont want to wait til I'm 60 to find happiness like my mom did. Unfortunately my wish to change things gets stronger when my moods change so I have a hard time trusting my feelings of wanting to divorce. My dr says she will revisit the subject when I see her next time.
Does anyone else go through this?

[Yoda]

Do you get out of the house to socialize with other women when your husband is gone?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by emomom

I know thats the name of a book but it describes my situation. On the surface my marriage looks good. I have food, a car, medical, a roof over my head. I dont work. But I dont need to be married to have that. I have been to a divorce lawyer before and I know I would be ok.
My marriage is a shell. I am lonely. We have been to counseling many times but my husband likes his lifestyle. Which is working in another state 4 to 5 days a week and coming home on weekends. This has been going on for 5 years. We dont have anything in common. We dont talk. We dont argue. Its empty. I'm not getting younger, I dont want to wait til I'm 60 to find happiness like my mom did. Unfortunately my wish to change things gets stronger when my moods change so I have a hard time trusting my feelings of wanting to divorce. My dr says she will revisit the subject when I see her next time.
Does anyone else go through this?

doesn't sound much like a marriage..more like a part time roommate.
it sounds like there are more underlying problems..i can't imagine how a man could be content with being away from his wife 4 or 5 days a week, something is seriously wrong here.

this has been going on for 5 yrs? how long have you guys been married?
what happened that made him sign up for this out of state arrangement.
surely when you guys first got married this couldn't have been the case.

i see a lot of major issues here..no communication, nothing in common, no time spent together..very discouraging indeed. i fear you may have gotten married for the wrong reasons(security, car, house, not having to work)
now i could be wrong ( i have been known to be wrong b4) but that is the impression i get.

if he is unwilling to change..you have to move on, sorry to say this.
i really would try to get him to sit down and you explain your feelings in a non threatening way, i feel like something is driving him away from you..find out what is going on b4 you give up hope.

i hope this helps

[hvert]

It's really hard when you don't feel like you can trust yourself. I still haven't figured it out. How do you feel about your marriage when your mood is stable?

Originally Posted by Yoda

Do you get out of the house to socialize with other women when your husband is gone?

I go to a water aerobics class a couple of days a week but have no girlfriends. I had a couple when I used to go to my nami support group but I got betrayed and havent been able to reach out since then. I do spend some time with my adult kids on occasion.

Originally Posted by trying2survive

doesn't sound much like a marriage..more like a part time roommate.
it sounds like there are more underlying problems..i can't imagine how a man could be content with being away from his wife 4 or 5 days a week, something is seriously wrong here.

this has been going on for 5 yrs? how long have you guys been married?
what happened that made him sign up for this out of state arrangement.
surely when you guys first got married this couldn't have been the case.

i see a lot of major issues here..no communication, nothing in common, no time spent together..very discouraging indeed. i fear you may have gotten married for the wrong reasons(security, car, house, not having to work)
now i could be wrong ( i have been known to be wrong b4) but that is the impression i get.

if he is unwilling to change..you have to move on, sorry to say this.
i really would try to get him to sit down and you explain your feelings in a non threatening way, i feel like something is driving him away from you..find out what is going on b4 you give up hope.

i hope this helps

We've been married 28 yrs, a retired military couple. His last active duty year and the last 4 years since his retirement he has worked in DC as a defense contractor while I live in VA I was still raising my kids. They are now married and out of the house. I asked about moving where he works and he said no, he makes more money this way. We have had many separations and much neglect over the many years. He has been a workaholic when he has been 'home'. We have been to marriage counseling several times.
When I am stable I do my own thing and ignore it. When I get in a 'mood' I cant ignore it. I dont know why. But no, I didnt sign up selfishly to have 'security' it has been a military marriage from day 1 and our first duty station was Germany with our first child born there. I was just fortunate that I could stay home to raise my kids. I have supported my husband while he did his job in the army all those years. Army wife/mom is a difficult job.

Originally Posted by hvert

It's really hard when you don't feel like you can trust yourself. I still haven't figured it out. How do you feel about your marriage when your mood is stable?

I am able to do what I wish most of the time and I ignore the unhappy feelings. When I get in a mood I just cant seem to ignore them.

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, I went through that and read evrything I could and the book Too Good To Leave...Unfortunately in the end you have to make the decisiion by yourself. I got a divorce at 57. The x was verbally and physically abusive. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans gave me the tools to make the decisiion to leave. It is so hard; you go back and forth and make yourself crazy. Getting into counseling for YOURSELF is the best thing you can do.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by emomom

I am able to do what I wish most of the time and I ignore the unhappy feelings. When I get in a mood I just cant seem to ignore them.

Does sound like whatever you decide, isn't to be entered lightly. Of course, you didn't enter marriage for selfish reasons. Yet now, factoring future security does matter.
When going through couples counseling, did he make attempts to meet your unmet needs? After time passed, did you hold him accountable, when time and space brought it back to normal state of how things were. I'm guessing, that that's how it would be.


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[brainhi]

Sounds like you are in a comfortable rut...maybe fearful of what life looks like if you leave? IMO if part of my life I spend thinking I should go - mood swing or no mood swing ... you are telling yourself something pretty important.

[hvert]

How would you live your life differently if you were divorced? Are there aspects you can incorporate into your current life?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by emomom

We've been married 28 yrs, a retired military couple. His last active duty year and the last 4 years since his retirement he has worked in DC as a defense contractor while I live in VA I was still raising my kids. They are now married and out of the house. I asked about moving where he works and he said no, he makes more money this way. We have had many separations and much neglect over the many years. He has been a workaholic when he has been 'home'. We have been to marriage counseling several times.
When I am stable I do my own thing and ignore it. When I get in a 'mood' I cant ignore it. I dont know why. But no, I didnt sign up selfishly to have 'security' it has been a military marriage from day 1 and our first duty station was Germany with our first child born there. I was just fortunate that I could stay home to raise my kids. I have supported my husband while he did his job in the army all those years. Army wife/mom is a difficult job.

in order to have any hope of saving this marriage..you guys are going to have to spend more time together..you deserve much better than this. it is not fair for you to have to "ignore it" a marriage is about two people working together to make EACH OTHER happy.

i can understand your sense of "duty" and i can imagine being an army wife must be extremely difficult...but still you deserve some quality time and he should be giving it to you...too often we put up with things we shouldn't because of familiarity or fear of the unknown, in order to be happy we must recognize life's signals that tell us when something is wrong, when we choose to ignore them..we stay miserable, i too have been guilty of this and only now after so many years do i fully realize the truth of that statement.

the neglect is not fair & he has been retired for 4 yrs..enough is enough..its time for you or its time to move on..he needs to make some concessions or you are going to have to walk away..you can be lonely all by yourself...this is basically holding you hostage, while giving you no attention whatsoever..you can do better...hope this helps! & good luck..i hope he changes for you guys!

Originally Posted by hvert

How would you live your life differently if you were divorced? Are there aspects you can incorporate into your current life?

One of the biggest changes would be the opportunity to be with someone more compatible with me. If I thought I could have an open marriage I would ask for that but I know that wont happen. Otherwise my actual daily life would probably not change much.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time to answer and given me so much to think about. I have a lot to research, again...I saw a divorce lawyer a couple of years ago when I confronted my husband about someone telling me he was cheating. He didnt know about the lawyer but his behavior improved for a while so I think he got put on notice, even though he denied the accusation.
There's more to it but not enough time or space