fixing a friendship with a former bipolar friend

hello i am looking for advice on how to repair a friendship i had a big miss understanding with a woman who i have learned has bipolar disorder i believe she has cyclothimia she asked me out on what she intended as a dinner as friends thing i thought it was a date and the entire time i have know her she has flirted with me really dirty inappropriate stuff telling me what porno's she likes what sex acts she enjoys what sex toys she has and she even asked me to send her pictures of my man parts i did not do that by the way i couldn't at the time interpret any other way i now believe it was just her being hyper-sexual i really fell for her and i got my heart broken really emotionally destroying stuff she is also a wonderful intelligent caring person after she rejected me and started dating someone else a week and a half later i ended the friendship about a year ago i feel a need to have her at least acknowledge what she put me through by admitting that she unintentionally lead me on she has denied unintentionally leading me on twice she believes it was just normal conversations she had with me and she has never acknowledged her condition either she once had let it slip out and actually told me that she was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past she shows all the actual symptoms for it as well people she has dated in the past have implyed to me that she has bipolar disorder the evidence is pretty over whelming i accused her of this and she hasn't denied it but she hasn't confirmed it either i cant seem to rationally convince her of what she did to me i know she wants to be my friend and so do i want to be just her friend to but i must hold her accountable is there any thing i can do or should i just let this be over for good

Hi DS, I say get over it and dont look to her for anything. You refer to her as intelligent and caring......I see her as a game player.
Bi Polar or not, I dont think teasing a man, or a woman sexually is nice, or smart.
You have confronted her about the way you think she treated you and she denied it, so she is not going to admit it, even if you were right.
What good does it do you to pursue another conversation about it.
Find a girl who cares about you and dont give this girl another thought!!!

I agree with curley above. She is a game player, and this is not the sort of thing that you build friendship on. Whether or not she is bipolar is really her business. That's sort of beside the point as to her being inappropriate with you. It's best that you just let this thing go and move on. I'm sorry you got hurt. Getting back involved with her would just be asking for more hurt. It would not be good for either her or you.

its been hard to let go of her i work at the same place as her on different shifts and have to see her daily as she leaves and i come in to work i have already asked her to not speak to me any more and let it be over but prior to this she has constantly pestered me to be her friend again over this year she wouldn't let it go i am worried she will have some uncontrolled emotional outburst because she is bipolar she has had outburst in the past but they were happy hyper ones so they were not to bad i really don't want to quit my job or get fired for fighting with her at work over this because i recently got a promotion and a nice raise and she isn't about to quit either so i thought it might be easier as just friends again but i am starting to realize this is just not possible any advice on letting go / how to forget her or dealing with her if she does have a outburst would be helpful

Sounds like you may both be caught up in a game. She pesters you, you refuse, she stops/is upset, you want to repair the relationship? I think it would be best for both of you if you just saw her as someone leaving work that you used to know...let it go.
Treat her as you would any coworker (I hope) with respect when/if interactions are necessary, otherwise, since you do not work together, don't interact---if she talks to you, take it with some humor, and a grain of salt---be neutral, don't get emotionally involved/take it somewhere else----you don't have to be friends or enemies. (sorry, I hear myself lecturing...)

I would have a conversation with HR.

ya it has felt like a game i have been over the heartbreak for a long time learning about her bipolar disorder help me let go of the resentment i had built up its just like you said she would pester, id refuse she stops for a while, i feel bad about it i was treating her like a co worker with respect and being civil but she wouldn't let it be over she kept right on pestering me to be friends again eventually it was driving me nuts and i had to confront her she denied leading me on and i asked her not to speak to me any more id thought id ask the experts here for advice but it sounds like i already know what to do and have been doing it all along

i did threaten to do just that if she doesn't let this be over she has a kid to support so i don't want her to loose her job but i will if necessary

It sounds like you do know what to do. That you value your job is all the more reason to keep your distance from her. As said above, just be respectful as you would to any co-worker, but minimize contact, in her case. Human Resources are there, if you need them, but they will expect that you do your absolute utmost to avoid any entanglement with her. Resist any overtures she may make to you about wanting to get together to "talk things out." I wouldn't trust her. She seems to see getting your attention as a challenge she likes. Don't try to "hold her accountable" for anything in the past. She will never admit to misleading you. Just accept that she is someone you need to steer clear of. Time will take care of the hurt you feel.

It's good you're looking at all your options, Is it a big company, maybe they have an EAP -employee assistance plan? Maybe they could help.

I'm really sorry your dealing with this.

i feel a need to have her at least acknowledge what she put me through by admitting that she unintentionally lead me on

You've been through a lot with this woman, the kind of stuff that leaves a trail of emotional confusion behind it. The above highlighted statement is the part of your message that seems like something you can really do something about because it's your own feelings/thoughts. None of us can control the way other people act. We can only work on our own stuff.

It sounds as if you may not have really let go of your resentments against her and that you haven't really accepted that she's bi-polar. Her inappropriate sexual approach to you does sound very much like what some people experience during a manic phase. She may not honestly and truly realize the extent of her conduct. Or she may be in complete denial in order to protect herself from the shame and guilt that may follow a manic episode.

Although it would be nice to have her acknowledge your hurt feelings, she just plain may not be capable of that at this time. You might be upsetting yourself over something that's just beyond her.

Maybe there's no way to fix this friendship and, as other posters have said, your best bet is to move on, let it go, accept that if she really is bi-polar that she may not have a good grasp of her behavior during a manic phase.

I'm not so willing to call her an intentional game-player. But it does sound as if she's still got a way to go before she's willing to get some effective help for her disorder. For your own well-being, I hope you can detach yourself from her and keep both emotional and physical distance from her.

i can see what your saying that i want to believe that she is still the woman i fell for but reality is that she never really was that person in the first place i fell partially for her because of this hyper sexual flirtation and its hard to let go especially if she was constantly pestering me i confronted her about 6 weeks ago so far not a word from her since i ask that she stop talking to me hopefully it stays that way i think she may be a game player as well right before my confrontation she talked a friend into spying on me because i wasn't talking to her i know cause she had obvious reactions to when i would tell this guy about her i have been tempted to confront him as well and warn him about her but i figured its not my place to tell people she is bipolar

no EAP plan were lucky we get a group rate on health insurance notoriously cheap owner i dont think i need counselling she could use it though i have been over the heartbreak for a long time this all happened 11 months ago learning about her bipolar has helped and educating myself is helping further i need to work on some left over resentment i was at a point where i was willing to just be friends again so i cant be to far off i guess that will go away if she can actually leave me alone

just a update not to much has changed it seems like she is letting it be over at this point at least from what i can tell she feels guilty about it that's the expression i see on her face not anger or hate but she is in denial about her behavior near as i can tell she believes her behavior was appropriate for a platonic friendship and that she did nothing wrong she isn't denying she said these things the 1-900 # style flirting she insist it was just normal conversation and that i misinterpret everything and i still get mad when i see her no communication between us on a personal level at least since i confronted her in April i am trying to let go of my resentment but it is hard when i see her daily she still has not confirmed or denied being bipolar but i know its so obvious now i wish there were some way to resolve this so we could just work in peace but i see no way out of our current situation i feel she would just hurt me again if i were to be friends again if she is in such denial i have no idea if she is being responsible for her condition either seeing a doctor taking medication going to therapy i have looked up her criminal record she has been charged with stalking in the past and a restraining order was issued she has resisted arrest in the past as well and may have hurt a cop i defiantly feel i do not know who this woman is because of her lying i plan to stay away from her as much as i can let time do its work

Good for you that you checked up on this woman's past. What you found out should make it easy for you to see that keeping your distance is the way to go. She is bad news.

You're right. There is no way to "resolve" things so that she and you could have a nice relationship. What she believes about her own psych situation is really her own business. Your business is to protect yourself. Sounds like you are doing that.

well another update apparently she isn't going to let this be over after all i developed a hernia at work i have a workers comp claim going for it and she heard about it and asked me about it and not to be rude i very briefly told her about it i wanted to yell at her what part of never speak to me again dont you understand or that's none of your business and she then left the room came back a few minutes later and another female coworker who i have know for a long time came in and she saw both of us and started singing why cant we be friends i almost laughed but held it in and left the room so i know she has been talking about me to others on day shift now should i go to HR about it i dont think they would be too happy with me since i have a workers comp thing going on now

I think you need to put up stronger boundaries when it comes to her . You wanted to yell at her but yet you went ahead and told her about your injury . Your a nice guy .. But you should not talk to her at all about anything and I think you know that.. Refusing to speak to her isnt rude .. Its what you need to do.

Talking to HR right now is probably not a good idea at all since you have a workers comp claim .. No need to give them an excuse to let you go ..

I hope your able to heal up quickly and go about living your life

I definitely agree with Christina, here. And absolutely don't feel bad about doing what's best for you! All the best!

I basically agree with Christina. I'ld just let it lie and not go to HR. (They might even wonder what you expect them to do about it.) You've got one issue in the works, and that's enough at the moment.

Christina is right about the boundary problem that you do have. Not that I'm real good at that myself. I'm not and I know how very easy it is to open up when one should really pull up the draw bridge and let the alligators loose in the mote. I'ld be inclined to say something like, "Aaaa . . . it's just something that came up and I'ld rather not talk about it." Or you could cut that down to "Sorry, I can't really go into it."

What you discussed with her was ultra personal. She knew that, and she was just proving to herself and to you that she can barge right through decent boundaries. Even if she were someone you got along with, she'ld have no right to ask. If you learn to deal with her encroachments onto your personal psychic space, you will have learned a lot. See her as giving you that opportunity. Hone your skills at boundary defending. There ought to be books on this topic, with real specific suggestions . . . like the books that tell you how to right courtesy letters. There probably are.

Hope your recovery goes well.

i didn't exactly have a conversation with her she said she heard about my new hernia i had one fixed last year and she knew about that and she asked if it was a re injury or what all i said to her was and i quote myself " the old hernia was on my right side this new one is on my left" i said nothing more to her and that was in a angry grumbled voice with my back turned to her

You have to stand firm and not acknowledge her and keep busy with your work. It's not a good sign that she was arrested as a stalker. Wow. Try to keep your personal business to yourself and don't tell others at work about your hernia. for example, so she won't know either. I would not expect (or want) any acknowledgment of her poor behavior. This is a game to her.

hey can some one describe to me any additional psychological reasons she would not be able to admit to doing something bad besides she was manic and it just felt normal to her i am thinking a little more knowledge may help me to let go of some more resentment

I could be just plain old "human nature." There are plenty of people who don't have any willingness to admit to wrong-doing. A person doesn't have to have any psychological disorder to be that way. It's almost a natural inclination that all humans have, but some grow out of, if they get the right moral training while growing up.

There is nothing wrong with resenting someone who has done wrong to you. That may be a healthy mindset that keeps you motivated from getting involved with her again.

I think you will find it possible to let go of resentment when you get to where you no longer see her as a threat to your peace of mind. That might not happen until one of you gets employed somewhere else. It can happen sooner, if you figure out how to keep those boundaries up, so you don't keep getting re-victimized by her.

another update my workers compensation claim was officially denied today i am now out several thousand dollars for doing my job essentially it will take me a while to earn enough for this surgery but and in all likely hood i will quit afterwards at least i will be done with my stalker afterwords and i will have to start over somewhere new due to i probably will end up getting a lawyer and suing them so much for my promotion my job wow my life sucks

Im sorry to hear your workers comp was denied. Look to the future, all this will be sorted out and your going to likely find a new job that is much better for you. And yes physically getting away from her will be a healthy thing for you.. You allow her to take up too much space in your head.

Good luck !