[CrazyGirl6371]

So, for those of you who have read my threads, you know that I have this friend, and we're in this semi-relationship type of thing. I like to refer to it as our "pseudorelationship", because I find that fitting. Anyway, I felt like I really needed to talk to him about us. Not "us" as in an item, necessarily; just us. So, I wrote him a letter. And it got wet and messed up. So, I edited and wrote another. Never gave it to him. Eventually, I decided to just text some stuff to him, instead of focusing on the relationship aspect. So. I texted him and told him... That he is not the reason I'm depressed; he actually makes me feel okay. I'm okay with us being friends; I know that we're both still figuring things out, and a relationship may not be the best idea for either of us, right now. Maybe, we're just not ready. I do still want to kiss him and continue being "friends with somewhat benefits" or whatever we are (NO sex). After essentially pouring out part of my soul to him, I asked him if he was judging me for it (Since I do want to kiss, even though we're not in a relationship.); he said he wasn't. So, I asked him what he thought... He replied with a totally unexpected - or expected, given his history of decision-making regarding this topic - "idk"... He did not elaborate. Later, while we were in bed cuddling, I wanted to bring it up. I didn't. Fast forward to last night. He brought over some other girl, who he's been friends with for a while (They've been talking, but are not necessarily going to get together; he is - of course - unsure.). She was calling him "baby", and they were showing displays of physical affection (but NO kissing), right in front of me. Can't get any more cruel, right? Wrong. She stayed the night, and - OF COURSE - slept in the bed with him... My spot. So, I slept on the couch all night, trying to avoid a complete breakdown. I ended up feeling kind of okay, once the medicine kicked in. He made a mistake, right? People do that. People are imperfect, and I cannot fault him for that... Today, we're both acting as if nothing was wrong. He did mention that there was another bed in one of the other rooms, and that I didn't have to sleep on the couch. I told him the couch was fine; I like it. He agreed that it was comfortable. The end... So. We're obviously not talking about his ultimate cruelty. Even my other friend, who was there with a female friend of his, agreed that it was a total "jerk" move. Thanks to him, I didn't do anything to stupid last night. But that really hurt. I just had to get it out. I don't know what we are. I don't know what we're doing. Honestly, I don't know what I am to him, anymore. And it's so hurtful and cruel and disappointing. I don't think I can cope with this pain. When I think of it too much, I get very angry. And I think I have the right to be angry. I have a right to feel my emotions. I just wish they weren't so strong... Pray for me, please. I hate this.

[Angelique67]

Hi, you definitely have a right to be angry, but I think from his perspective, however wrong this was, it may have been the only way he could think of to get "idk" across. It was cruel, though. I'm really sorry you went through this. You didn't deserve this. You deserve a relationship with someone who appreciates and loves you.

[lucami]

hey crazygirl, I think you should have serious talk about feelings to each other.. he seems to be something more for you than just a friend, so I think you can't 'have the cake and eat it too' - staying only as "friends with somewhat benefits" you will have to accept that he can have other girl friends like this.. I know it from my own experience.. sometimes it's better to let go this kind of relationship, because if he doesn't feel something more for you he will be hurting you, maybe not for purpose but still...

[CrazyGirl6371]

I don't even know how we feel about one another, honestly. His mother and son were just here. And she made it very clear to me that she prefers me over the other girl. Yes, I know that he's an adult and will make his own decisions, but I think that it still counts for something. She actually thought that we were dating. I need to ask him, in a non-awkward way - if he and this girl are dating. I hope not. I know that we need to have a talk. He has made it clear for me before that he does have feelings for me, but he doesn't want to risk our friendship. And some other things came to light, too, one night, when I went out with him and his friend. His friend kept telling me how he talks about me and thinks I'm beautiful and likes me and wants to date me and take me out on a date... Yet, he hasn't. And I feel like I'm at a crossroads, here. I really don't want to lose this pseudorelationship; it helps me so much. I like to cuddle, and I've never done anything like this before. I'm very rational and reserved. And I don't just kiss people that I don't intend to have a relationship with, but I made it clear to him that I would be okay with that. And I am. But, obviously, we wouldn't continue that if he were to enter into a relationship. So, I think that he owes me an explanation. One night, we were cuddling and fine. The next, he's bringing over some girl. It's ridiculous. I really just need a huge vent session, because this is destroying me. I don't want to make things awkward. I don't want to lose anything that we have. I know I should talk to him. And I can, because we're that close. I'm just afraid of the outcome. Before him, I felt so alone. And, sometimes, people just need to feel that physical closeness. And I really love cuddling with him. I doubt that his potential girlfriend would be okay with that, though. And I really don't want to be that "other girl". Besides, if we ever kiss, again, I want to know that he is not in a relationship, because I will obviously not kiss him if he is. But there's also the issue of him kissing other girls and not being in a relationship. I'm 80% sure they kissed last night. If they did, I'm not kissing him, anymore, as difficult as that is for me to do. Because he feels so different than all of the others. I just want this to work out. And I know that my wants can't overcome his own feelings. And I wouldn't want them to, either. I just want him to be happy. I want both of us to be happy. Preferably together. But separate works, as well... I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be needy. I just want to matter to him, and I feel like I don't, even though he is my best friend and I'm his.

[lucami]

so maybe you should try to be in a relationship? staying in state like this risks your friendship already imo, so I think you should try after all, and even if relationship wouldn't work out there are chances that you would be still friends.
Maybe he didn't ask you on a date because you said you're okay with being friends? 'but I made it clear to him that I would be okay with that' this seems to me like closing doors for something more, just friends and kissing, nothing more...
'One night, we were cuddling and fine. The next, he's bringing over some girl. It's ridiculous.' that was cruel of him, but as I said, if he agreed for terms of friendship with you, he can have relationships like this with other girls too... I know that it's very very hard, but you need to ask him straight about his feelings, the other girl, where is a line in your friendship and what 'friendship' means to him (for me if he kisses other girls not only you it's not a good sign about what kind of person he really is :c)... I know it's hard to risk something nice, friendship which helps, etc, but if you won't make choices, someone other will make them for you... Sincere talk is the best thing you can do now imo for yourself and for him, till you wont talk emotions will grow...
good luck with everything Girl, and don't forget that even if this friendship won't last, you will find someone other in future hope for the best, prepare for the worst

[~Christina]

Why are you allowing all this to happen? Your making lots of excuses for him and what he is doing. That is a huge red flag.

You said you wont kiss him if you know he kissed the other girl? When he had the other girl with him was that at his place ? his moms place? your place? Do you live with him? Why did you stay there ?

I hope you really take a step back and look at this logically .. Being angry is a very valid feeling based off your post.

What are you actually getting out of the "situation" ?

Never sell yourself short. you deserve to be in a relationship with a man that respects and treats you well and doesn't bring around other girls..

Take care

[CrazyGirl6371]

I know that I'm making a lot of excuses for him. I'm trying to rationalize what he's doing, and - sometimes - that just can't be done. You cannot rationalize the irrational, as one of my professors used to say... He had her over at his place; he lives at one of the stations at the squad I volunteer for, and I frequently pull long shifts there; I was on shift that night. He's my best friend, and I get a lot of emotional and mental support for him. And I need the physical closeness, and he provides that, as well.
I did talk to him about things yesterday. He said he did not want to be in a "friends with somewhat benefits" (i.e., cuddling and kissing) relationship... He is still fine with cuddling, but - apparently - kissing is out. He is not in a relationship with the other girl. He does not "like-like" her. Yet, he will not say that he doesn't still "like-like" me. This is what I can get out of it...
He is not ready for a relationship.
He still likes me, but - as I put above - he does not want a relationship.
He knows that kissing is more of a relationship thing to me, and he does not want to encourage something that he does not want; that would be unfair to me.
Does any of this make sense to you all?

[Angelique67]

It sounds like he just wants to be friends. If you can handle that, that's all it is going to be.

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

I know that I'm making a lot of excuses for him. I'm trying to rationalize what he's doing, and - sometimes - that just can't be done. You cannot rationalize the irrational, as one of my professors used to say... He had her over at his place; he lives at one of the stations at the squad I volunteer for, and I frequently pull long shifts there; I was on shift that night. He's my best friend, and I get a lot of emotional and mental support for him. And I need the physical closeness, and he provides that, as well.
I did talk to him about things yesterday. He said he did not want to be in a "friends with somewhat benefits" (i.e., cuddling and kissing) relationship... He is still fine with cuddling, but - apparently - kissing is out. He is not in a relationship with the other girl. He does not "like-like" her. Yet, he will not say that he doesn't still "like-like" me. This is what I can get out of it...
He is not ready for a relationship.
He still likes me, but - as I put above - he does not want a relationship.
He knows that kissing is more of a relationship thing to me, and he does not want to encourage something that he does not want; that would be unfair to me.
Does any of this make sense to you all?

You're describing a situation where you're close to him and want a really comfortable 'relationship', and its just not comfortable. That hurts quite a bit, I'd imagine. It sounds quite a lot like a guy being "friend-zoned" in a way... just frustrating.

For what its worth he does sound pretty ethical. He's supportive but has a boundary, and is open about his other relationship. That's a good thing.

You have to consider your own emotional capabilities in this. Dealing with changes in the nature of relations of people you care for can be difficult in the best of circumstances.

Do you feel equipped for more ambiguity,confusion and jealousy? Are you in a good place personally at the moment?

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

So, for those of you who have read my threads, you know that I have this friend, and we're in this semi-relationship type of thing. I like to refer to it as our "pseudorelationship", because I find that fitting. Anyway, I felt like I really needed to talk to him about us. Not "us" as in an item, necessarily; just us. So, I wrote him a letter. And it got wet and messed up. So, I edited and wrote another. Never gave it to him. Eventually, I decided to just text some stuff to him, instead of focusing on the relationship aspect. So. I texted him and told him... That he is not the reason I'm depressed; he actually makes me feel okay. I'm okay with us being friends; I know that we're both still figuring things out, and a relationship may not be the best idea for either of us, right now. Maybe, we're just not ready. I do still want to kiss him and continue being "friends with somewhat benefits" or whatever we are (NO sex). After essentially pouring out part of my soul to him, I asked him if he was judging me for it (Since I do want to kiss, even though we're not in a relationship.); he said he wasn't. So, I asked him what he thought... He replied with a totally unexpected - or expected, given his history of decision-making regarding this topic - "idk"... He did not elaborate. Later, while we were in bed cuddling, I wanted to bring it up. I didn't. Fast forward to last night. He brought over some other girl, who he's been friends with for a while (They've been talking, but are not necessarily going to get together; he is - of course - unsure.). She was calling him "baby", and they were showing displays of physical affection (but NO kissing), right in front of me. Can't get any more cruel, right? Wrong. She stayed the night, and - OF COURSE - slept in the bed with him... My spot. So, I slept on the couch all night, trying to avoid a complete breakdown. I ended up feeling kind of okay, once the medicine kicked in. He made a mistake, right? People do that. People are imperfect, and I cannot fault him for that... Today, we're both acting as if nothing was wrong. He did mention that there was another bed in one of the other rooms, and that I didn't have to sleep on the couch. I told him the couch was fine; I like it. He agreed that it was comfortable. The end... So. We're obviously not talking about his ultimate cruelty. Even my other friend, who was there with a female friend of his, agreed that it was a total "jerk" move. Thanks to him, I didn't do anything to stupid last night. But that really hurt. I just had to get it out. I don't know what we are. I don't know what we're doing. Honestly, I don't know what I am to him, anymore. And it's so hurtful and cruel and disappointing. I don't think I can cope with this pain. When I think of it too much, I get very angry. And I think I have the right to be angry. I have a right to feel my emotions. I just wish they weren't so strong... Pray for me, please. I hate this.

Whaaaat?!?!?

Okay. There are occasions where we don't want to see something, or we are unable to see it because we're too close to the situation.

Since the only question that you ACTUALLY ask in this is "he made a mistake, right?", then that is what I will answer (your other question being totally rhetorical).

NO. He did not make a mistake. He did this deliberately.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I appreciate all of the feedback that I'm getting from you all. Really, I do. Thank you so much. It's great to actually be able to talk about it, as opposed to just holding it in.
No, I am not equipped for this. In fact, I cut today, again. I can't handle all of this emotional stress, and I just want things to be easy. I think I love him; I really do. And we are still best friends. Just seeing him with another girl kills me. And it drives me crazy when he sends mixed signals, because I don't know what to do. I don't know what he wants. I know he likes me, too, because my other friend (another one of his close friends) has talked to him about it. I don't see how someone can like someone and NOT want a relationship? My other friend keeps me pretty updated, because he says he doesn't want me to get my heart broken. I think it's a little too late for that, because I feel miserable and confused...

[Utterly]

This kind of thing really sucks, and its crappy you're going through it. Its wrong to see there as a "wrong" party though; some people have more difficulty with relational attachments than others and can't "deal with" the ambiguity of friendship with complications. Some can.

It often relates to early relationships, especially with family (and I'm not saying it does in this case, just that its common.)

Having a friendship with someone that's ambiguous for you is a challenging thing, it feels like. It would be nice if you could, but...

We all can only deal with that which we're personally equipped for AND we can! develop new strengths.

May I ask, if its not too personal, do you have a therapist?

[CrazyGirl6371]

Yes, I do. I regularly see both a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

I appreciate all of the feedback that I'm getting from you all. Really, I do. Thank you so much. It's great to actually be able to talk about it, as opposed to just holding it in.
No, I am not equipped for this. In fact, I cut today, again. I can't handle all of this emotional stress, and I just want things to be easy. I think I love him; I really do. And we are still best friends. Just seeing him with another girl kills me. And it drives me crazy when he sends mixed signals, because I don't know what to do. I don't know what he wants. I know he likes me, too, because my other friend (another one of his close friends) has talked to him about it. I don't see how someone can like someone and NOT want a relationship? My other friend keeps me pretty updated, because he says he doesn't want me to get my heart broken. I think it's a little too late for that, because I feel miserable and confused...

I wish I could give you a big hug...

He's not sending you mixed signals, sweetie...

[CrazyGirl6371]

Thanks. I appreciate the thought.
I guess, it really doesn't matter if he likes me that way or not... He doesn't want a relationship, right now, with me. And that is all that matters... Regardless of everything else, that is what it comes down to. He doesn't want me.

It's difficult for us, I think. We have trouble separating from people. It makes us stay, even if we're getting hurt.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I only attach myself to certain people, and I don't know why I've become so attached to him, other than the fact that we spend so much time together. I think there's something about him I'm just drawn to, for whatever reason. I'm trying to tell myself it's okay that he doesn't want a relationship. At least, I have his friendship, and it's a very close friendship. Maybe, in time, it will develop into more, once he realizes that I've been here all along...

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

I only attach myself to certain people, and I don't know why I've become so attached to him, other than the fact that we spend so much time together. I think there's something about him I'm just drawn to, for whatever reason. I'm trying to tell myself it's okay that he doesn't want a relationship. At least, I have his friendship, and it's a very close friendship. Maybe, in time, it will develop into more, once he realizes that I've been here all along...

I think you would do yourself a great disservice to hope that one day he will "realize" you have always been there, waiting ..... Why? Because your still going to be too invested in wanting him that you will most likely not pay attention to any good men that are looking for a real relationship.

You really should take a big step back and allow your longing for him to ease up so your able to be more logical about this situation.

Take care

[CrazyGirl6371]

I know that's the logical thing to do, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. Any steps back that I take will impact our friendship, and, although I understand your point, I really don't want anyone else, right now. At all. I only want him. And I think that - honestly - I would be doing myself a disservice to turn my back on such a great friendship, just because he is not interested in a romantic relationship. I know that I shouldn't waste my time waiting on someone, but I think he's worth it. Even if he never decides to take that next step, it will all be worth it, because he's an amazing friend. And I really don't want to lose that. Any relationship that we have - romantic or platonic - is a blessing to me. And he really has been a blessing for the past almost year. And I'm not ready to walk away from that. I'm not trying to be difficult. I know I posted this for advice, and I am considering and appreciating all of the advice that I receive. I truly do value it. I just cannot manage to let him go. Losing him would be the worst possible thing for me, right now. He is one of my triggers. As my psychologist says, I experience higher highs and lower lows than most people, and he gives me my highest highs and lowest lows. I cannot get rid of the lows without, also, sacrificing the highs, as well. And I cannot bring myself to do that. I've allowed myself to care about him too much, and - truthfully - I cannot say that I regret it, even with the pain and all of the lows. I do not regret it. I may regret this decision later, to continue being close friends, although I clearly have romantic feelings for him. And - if I do - that's okay. I've been working on being present moment, on allowing myself to feel things and acknowledge things in the current moment and not focus on the future or what may/may not happen. In this moment, I know that he is the most vital person in my life, and I cannot lose him. I love him. And - darn it - it is good to say that. It is good to let myself feel that. And, even if I regret it, I'm glad that I love him, because he's been better for me than he knows, than anyone knows, and even than I knew for a while, for too long. I love him, and I need him, and - platonic friendship or romantic relationship - I want him in my life.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I went to the station to pull a shift with him and my friend yesterday night. I texted both of them. I asked him if he and our other friend were the only ones there, and he told me they were. So, I used the last of my gas to make the trip up there to see him and pull a shift. Well, before I even got there I got a text from the other friend, letting me know that he was bringing a friend... It was her. I resolved that I would not let this deter me, but I was crushed and felt like I couldn't cope. So, I spent some time in a local grocery store restroom collecting myself. Then, still not able to cope, I decided to park far back in the parking lot and cut... So, I did. And it didn't really make anything better. My friend offered me gas money so I could go home, because he didn't want me upset when they arrived; she was already in the truck with them. And she was staying the night. I thought I'd be okay, and - once I finally stopped bleeding - I went on to the station. However, I completely broke down when I got there. I just couldn't understand why this was happening, and I was very hurt. So, I got everything I needed, left the cheesecake (homemade cheesecake that I made lovingly, might I add), and got ready to leave - before they even arrived. But my car would not start. After multiple efforts, I gave up, and sat there, crying like a baby, saying that I couldn't handle this, I couldn't cope with seeing them together, again, and I just wanted to go home... Right as they pulled up, the car finally started. My other friend came over to comfort me. I ended up showing him my arm, with all of the humiliating and shameful cut marks; some not even an hour old, some months old. He offered to go inside and get my sweater for me, since I needed it, but he knew I wasn't prepared to go inside, where my best friend and his friend were. I gladly accepted his help. He asked me if I was okay to drive home; I assured him I was. I took my sweater and drove all of the way home, crying my eyes out the whole time.
Isn't it funny how those we love the most have the power to hurt us the most?
Since I saw them together, on October 31st, I've repeatedly engaged in self-harm. That night, but not by cutting, just scratching and pinching with my nails. Then, November 3rd, November 5th, November 6th, November 7th... My cutting has gone way up. I'm very concerned, especially since these razor blades I have go deeper. I feel completely unequipped to handle this, and I accidentally missed my last session with my psychologist. Tomorrow, I start new medication, in addition to what I'm already taking. With all of this, I'm considering inpatient treatment.
I feel crazy and out of control.
I love him, but he's absolutely killing me. Thank God, that I have that other friend. He really has been my rock and my support through this whole thing. And he knows that I cut, now, too, and he made me promise to call him before cutting. And I will. He texted me this morning to check on how I was doing. I'm fortunate to have such a great friend.
I'm afraid of myself and of my future and of everything; I don't know what's next. Clearly, I have to get used to the idea of him hanging out and flirting with this other girl, but I don't want her presence to drive me away and drive us apart. But it's so painful to see them together... I don't know what to do. I need to be okay with them being together, because he may likely bring her back. And I want to be there, too. I love him, and he's still my best friend. He promised that we'd stay very close, no matter who he ends up with, one night, while we were cuddling in his bed. And I hope he upholds that promise, but I don't see how he can if I feel like I have to leave every time he brings her over...
How do I cope?

[Bill3]

(((((CrazyGirl6371)))))

How are you doing now?

[CrazyGirl6371]

I would say "coping", but not so much... I am medicated. I take seven pills a day, now. Three Gabapentin, two Seroquel, two Benztropine. I feel a bit disconnected and zombie-ish, but - I suppose - that's an improvement. The only thing it doesn't take away is the pain. It just won't go away. I haven't cut since that night; I promised my friend I'd call him before I did anything, but I've not wanted to disturb him. I do want to cut, though; very badly. And that razor blade in my purse seems to be calling out to me.
As for him, we're still friends. He said that I was jealous and clingy, so we could never be more than friends. I see the jealous thing (Even though I was just messing with him most of the time; I thought he knew that...). I don't see how I'm clingy, though. I've never been called that before.
I just don't get it. I didn't change, and I told him how I was. I haven't changed; he must have. Now, he doesn't want me, and I don't know what to do. I changed my hair - which I've not done in about ten years, started wearing make-up - which I, also, haven't done in about ten years, tried to follow the "texting rules" that I found online (Don't text a guy more than twice, if he's not answered you. It's obnoxious.), tried to be the person I think he'd like, not this cowardly, maternal, naive little girl. But it didn't work. It didn't work, and I don't know why. I don't know what to do. I don't want a relationship, unless he wants one with me. I don't want to get drunk. I don't want to mindlessly flirt. I don't know what I want, and that's driving me crazy. Almost as badly as he is...
I know that I asked for this, but I don't know how I feel about this medicine. It's the new-and-improved version of me. I feel almost nothing. Then, it suddenly hits me all at once. Right now, I feel nothing, but the pain of a broken, stomped on, tortured heart. And I hate it. I hate that I let myself love him. I hate that I let myself care. This medicine is good for me, I think. But I can't help but wonder the point is in life if you go through it without feeling anything? And that's kind of where I am.
I'm broken, and he knew it. I warned him that I'm crazy. I warned him about all of it, and he said it couldn't scare him away. If my best friend - who knows me best - doesn't want me... If I scare him away... I give up. I give up on relationships. I give up on trying. I don't feel alive. I feel broken - even worse, now - and like I'm just existing in life... I need him, but he doesn't need me. And that's what it all comes down to. I'm medicated, numb (most of the time), and unwanted.
That's how I'm doing. Thank you for asking.
It's nice to be honest with someone.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting with the pain of a broken, stomped on, tortured, unwanted heart. When not numb, the pain must be excruciating.

I don't know what I want, and that's driving me crazy.

What might you want? What are the possibilities?

[CrazyGirl6371]

It is excruciating. And last night was tough, but I finally talked to him and had most of my questions cleared up.
I want him. Best friend of semi-relationship, I want him. I want to cuddle and hold hands and, maybe, even kiss every now and then... I want to feel close to someone. I need that.
We talked, and I feel a bit stupid. I forget that he told me that he was broken, too... Every now and then, he just feels smothered. It's not me; it's him. That's how he is. I'm going to make it clear to him that he can have his "private time" to just be alone and unbothered whenever he needs it, and I don't want him to be afraid to ask for it, and I won't be offended.
Like I said, I love him. I feel a little better this morning, but I'm afraid to come off of this medicine, because my emotions are so out of control, and it's usually about it.
I just need - really need - peace in this aspect of my life...

I am so sorry that you're hurting.

I am wondering if you are able to see the parallels between this guy and your cutting?
I am not taking about a connection, but emotional parallels....

Just a thought...