How could she do this to me?

I have been in love with this girl for long. I knew that she was a bit "loose" with boys. She will date anyone. But I love her. She has never cheated on me. But her past breaks me and makes me lose my temper with her always. All her exes have said that she has had sex with them multiple times although she says that it happened only with one of her exes. I was a virgin when I met her
We've had sex. She never enjoys sex with me as she is not a virgin. We fight everyday. How can I end my pain. I love her but for her past. In the end, she is a city girl. Can't expect much values. How can I deal with this. How can girls behave so?

hi addamsfamily
it sounds like you place a lot of judgement on her based on the fact that she has had sex before you. this will forever interfere with your relationship if you cant let these judgements go. she is not less of a person because she is not a virgin, nor does this make her morally corrupt. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

I doubt that she doesn't enjoy sex because she is not a virgin... That doesn't make sense... It implies that you have had sex with her multiple times, so maybe it's more the way you two have sex and not because she has had sex before... I suggest you start to have a more open mind about this, and ask her what she likes during sex, have an open and honest discussion about sex and try some new ways :-)

Your post really concerns me - you say that you love her, yet you fight with her about having previous partners, call her loose, and doesn't have much values... Maybe her values are different to yours??? That does not make it WRONG.

I feel that you need to take a step back from her if you can't get over her past... Because your opinion of her and fighting with her every day is damaging to her.

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I don't understand the title question of your thread...

What exactly did she do to you???
Nowhere in your post do you mention her hurting you or wronging you in any way. You call her "loose" yet you say she's not a cheater.
If she's so loose, why is she not out finding herself enjoyable sex since she's unsatisfied with the sex in your relationship?

What makes her so immoral in your eyes? Premarital sex? Well, you're not a virgin either you know, so you are both immoral now.

A few rhetorical questions for you to answer for yourself. I have no need for the answers, they will help you see more clearly though...

I don't think you love her, your opinion of her is very poor, it doesn't reflect love, it actually contradicts it.

Do you mean she doesn't enjoy sex because she has experience, while you have none, so you feel like you have no clue what you're doing?

If so, then talk to her, find out how to please her, to make sex enjoyable for both of you.

If however you mean to say she physically can't enjoy sex because she's not a virgin / or wasn't a virgin when you 2 met, well that's just bullshyt.

If that were true nobody would be having any sex because (besides pregnancy) the point of sex is enjoyment.

The bedroom can become very routine for some couples though, and sparks do die, but that's why there's a huge market for Sexperts in the world. They keep couples happily together by educating people about how to spice things up and reignite the flames of passion.

A word of advice though, idk any woman who would enjoy sex with a man who has such a low opinion of her.

It may just be your attitude that keeps her from enjoying sex with you.

One last thing, her past is just that HER, PAST. Its HERS, which means it has NOTHING to do with you, its in the PAST, which again has NOTHING to do with you, it is BEFORE you existed in her life. Its none of your business and the only reason its an issue is because YOU are MAKING it an issue...

If you can't live in the present, and enjoy the present with her, if you can't look at her with adoration instead of judgment, then please let her go. Care about her enough to set her free to be with someone who will love and adore her the way she deserves. And in so doing, find yourself a girl you can adore and cherish, one with values more similar to your own, one who will escape your judgmental beliefs.

Because the truth is, you both deserve to be happy, and maybe the 2 of you are just too morally mismatched to work out longterm.

Um, a woman only enjoys sex once, then never again is how I'm reading this. ???

There's a little discomfort for a woman's first time, due to the hymen.

Are you upset you can't give her discomfort?

If she's having orgasm struggles, perhaps try the karma sutra...or being more generous with her?

Her past is her past, your post seems close to wondering if your anger could lead to abuse of the woman you profess to love.

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You don't really sound like you love her.... it sounds a lot more like you view her as a posession that's not meeting your standards. I'm sorry that it sounds mean, but that's how I read that.

You make the assumption that she dislikes having sex with you (hypocritically, I'm also making an assumption here as your words are a bit unclear! Please correct me and clarify if she's actually said to you that she doesn't like to have sex with you) - you might be misreading her body signals and just interpreting her wrong.

You say that she's never cheated on you, and yet you take the word of her exes over her. What has she done to earn that distrust?

You've called her loose, and said that she doesn't have many morals (because she lives in a city?!?! wtf, judgemental there!). How is that encouraging a healthy relationship? You are judging her in a very negative manner and you've essentially fabricated what you're judging her on! She is not "loose" - her sexual experiences are her choice and there is nothing wrong with them - they are just "wrong" to you. That's your problem, not hers. Her morals might be different from yours, but it doesn't make them wrong or less moral - it's just your judgement and it sounds from your judgement of her that you likely don't even know what her morals are, as you're making assumption that all city people have low/no morals....

You lose your temper with her and you fight all the time.... because of her past. What a great way to kill any potential with her, and what an excellent way to destroy her and hurt her...... Her past is her past. There is nothing wrong with her past. The problem lies with you and your attitude towards her past. If you cannot handle her past experiences, then don't be with her. End of story. She can't go and change the past.

It sounds like your issues are actually about your insecurities, but you're taking them out on her instead of dealing with them yourself. She cannot fix your insecurities, and it isn't her job to do so.

"How can girls behave so?" is how you have ended your post. How exactly is she behaving? It sounds like she is staying in a potentially abusive relationship..... how she can be doing that, I have no idea. It must mean she likes you. You're judging her for having sex with her previous partners. Hello, she has had sex with you too. You're being a huge hypocrite by judging her behaviour in her past when she's doing the same thing in her relationship with you. If you want to date a virgin, then use a dating site made for that.

There is nothing wrong, in any way, with girls choosing to be sexually active. We don't owe anyone our virginity, and we can do what we wish with our sex lives - just as men can.

If you want to feel more successful in bed - ask her what she wants. She'll likely be willing to teach you and give you guidance if you want to improve.

I would suggest that the problem here has less to do with your ex's past and more to do with your attitude about it.
Being a virgin just means she hasn't had sex yet. It doesn't mean she is more or better of a person, or that she can make you happier than she already does. I find that whenever someone has ill feelings about another person's sexual past, it has more to do with that person being jealous or feeling like their right to ownership has been infringed upon than it does to do with the actual character of their partner.
In all truth, it sounds to me like you don't have much of an opinion about this person at all, and that doesn't really make for a great foundation in the relationship. You say she doesn't enjoy the sex; are you trying at all? Or are you just bringing yourself to the table and helping yourself to what's there with little thought to her pleasure? And I can't imagine you enjoying it much either, if every time the two of you are intimate you're bombarding yourself with images of her having sex with all these other people, which you seem to think is a pretty big deal.
If you care for her, I would tell people to knock it off when they start discussing her sexual past, instead of investing yourself in a gossipy conversation and then blaming her for perceived wrongs. You know her past. Either get comfortable with it, and start being a lot kinder and more open to her, and appreciate her for who and what she is, or else leave her and move on. Neither one of you deserves to live this way.

Did you have sex before you met her? Even if not, the fact is that most adult women you meet will have had sex before you. Not only that, she ws with these other guys so clearly, it was in context of a relationship and I'd worry more if she had exes but never had sex with them.

How in the world does her having sex before you met her have anything to do with your relationship now? You need to ask yourself this. If she's not having sex with others now, then it's not even your place to judge.

Lastly and more importantly, get the friggin word "loose" out of your head, it's derogatory and rude to judge her and call her names like that. If you care about this girl you won't judge her past. Period. Get past this or get out. She deserves better.

I find it weird that all of you take her side. Being a guy, how can I be with a girl who has been touched by others? Won't she cheat on me surely? I can't stop thinking of her. She means more to me than my family. But all these mental images of her being with other men is killing me. She refuses to give her old photos, computer data, passwords, mobile, etc. I am so scared that she will leave me.
How can I marry her. Her exes will all tease and make fun of me. And more than this, she yells at me when I question her past - if she can't even be quiet and listen to 30% of what I say, how can she be a wife? I am pretty sure that guys will understand my feelings I feel like it is my fate to love a bad girl

What trippin2.0 said. In spades.

I cannot leave her. I love her.
But I also can never forgive her. After all, she does need to see some consequences to her mindless actions doesn't she?
How she could still not answer my questions about her past?
What if her past comes up in our lives? If someone has a suggestive picture of hers and posts it online or blackmails us or makes her cheat on me? What should I do? Shouldn't I protect my life?

1. Forgiving her. Forgiveness for what? She did nothing to you, she doesn't need your forgiveness for her past nor do you have the right to judge what she did before you were in here life period.

2. on not answering about her past? It's none of your dang business, your business is what she is doing now and while she is with you. Period. what about this do you not understand?

Here is my take: She doesn't need to do anything to live up to your unreasonable expectations and she can't because you want some pure fantasy girl without flaw and she's never goign to be that whether she is upfront with you or not. It will only feed your fire of judgement and anger because she was not with YOU FIRST. Do you really think her teling you detalis about her past will make you feel better and why is that her responsibility? Hers is only to take care of what she is doing now and nothing in what you've said has told me that she's doing anything wrong now. that's what you need to look at, not her past.

I will be completely honest with you. SHE does not need to do anythng, YOU do. Get counseling about your extremely rigid and judgemental attitude toward people because your life is going to consist of people, gfs and otherwise that have "pasts".

Honestly I think you should let her go so she can find someone that will accept her as she is. and you can get help.

@above: Are u a guy? Hmmm.. Sure her past is her past. But what about the people she has been with? What if they come back and she leaves me or worse - cheats on me?
What if they bring out photos of them together or worse?
It will ruin a family. Blackmail, infidelity, etc.
At the very least, she can be honest to me because I haven't left her in spite of her past. Will any other guy knowingly accept her?

I haven't left her even though she is not a virgin, has a big list of guys in her past and she is arrogant enough to not admit all her mistakes to me. How can any guy accept her?

Its really sad that you're serious in this response. I honestly wish you were joking as I feel so sorry for you and feel even worse for your GF.

Best thing you can do for the both of you is break up. Seriously.

You say you cannot leave her, you love her. Well sometimes love means being able to lett go, love means putting your loved ones first, doing what's best for them...

I mean no malice in my reply, honest.
Its just painfully obvious that you are not interested in any opinion or view that isn't your own, and regarding your relationship, this is simply a one way ticket to Miseryville for the both of you.

Spare both of you the horror and walk away.
This way you can both find more suitable partners.

Her actions were not mindless: they were decisions she made in her past. There was nothing at all wrong with those decisions. She does not need to "face consequences" of any sort for what she's done in her past because she's done nothing wrong.

She doesn't need your forgiveness. In fact, you need hers because you are being a rather horrible bf.

She doesn't owe you answers about her past. As it is, you know that has had multiple partners. She's TOLD you about her past. What other details could you even want? It isn't your business.

If someone was to post up pictures of her, what you should do is this: be supportive of her. That's it. You would have zero need to "protect" your life because it wouldn't be your life that would be threatened or affected - it would be hers.

I don't understand how you can't see how your behaviour and attitude towards her is so unacceptable. If you can't get your brain to accept that she is who she is and that there is nothing wrong with her then you have no business being in a relationship with her. Give her a chance to meet someone else who will love and accept her for who she is and all she has experienced.

She deserves love not judgement from you. If you cant accept her 100% then let her go and go in search of a woman that has no past that will bother you. You come across as a very cruel person.

Exes sometimes pop up into people's lives. They get dealt with and then things move on. If she was to leave you for them, then she does. But here's the thing - those relationships are over with. For whatever reasons. They're done. They're the past.

If those exes bring out photos of them together? So what? People take pictures with their partners all the time. If you're talking just sexual ones, then I would hope that she would take them from him.

It will not ruin a family. It would only have the potential to ruin a job depending on what career she went into - but most of them it would be fine. You're the only one who is ruining things..

The fact that you think she should be glad that you've stayed with her "in spite" of her past... is ridiculous. She shouldn't have to even consider if her past would be an issue to you - the fact that it IS an issue to you.... means that she's chosen to stay with you despite your paranoid possessiveness. She's the one doing you a favour, not you doing her one. She could easily find many different guys to have relationships with her who wouldn't even blink an eye at her past.

Hmm.. I don't see how any man would support your view. After all, all guys wish for their girl to be touched first by them.
I could have forgiven her for one ex. But so many? Will the society accept this? I will be a fool in front of everyone

"Any" man? You are being ignorant on purpose now.

There are in fact people who believe in abstinence and wait until they are married to have sex. That is totally acceptable for them.

But many people do not. Saying that women need to remain virgins essentially is hypocritical, because I doubt you are saying the same about men.

You're totally ok with having sex with her - so if you break up, does that mean that you will never have sex again to spare another woman having to accept the fact that you've been tainted because you had sex previously?

If you think it is ok for men to have sex with multiple partners, and that they're not tainted for it, then you are being sexist. You are already being hypocritcal by choosing to engage in sex before you are married if you believe that people should only ever have sex with one person.

Many men do not support your view that they want to have sex only with virgins. It's archaic and sexist, and many men are not archaic nor sexist.

If it was such an issue to you, you should have never had sex with her. If you're going to continue thinking that you need to "forgive" her for her past, then get out of the relationship and give her the chance to find a much better man than you; one who isn't sexist, one who doesn't view her as essentially tainted property, one who will accept and love her no matter what, one who won't view her past as being an insult to him, etc.

ETA: You aren't going to viewed as a fool for your ex having multiple partners - how would they know unless you proclaim it to everyone and share her business? However, you are certainly (in my opinion) making yourself look like a fool by being so judgemental and cruel to your gf.

Where are you from?

The 1600's?

Take my advice and leave this woman, clearly you view her as some tainted possession of yours instead of a worthy humanbeing.

If its ok for men to be having multiple sexual partners, but women must remain virgins, I suggest that where you are from, you guys should get boyfriends before you're ready to settle down. That way none of you men will taint any of the women and cause such stupid, judgemental, unimportant issues.
Because MEN are taking these precious virginities that you value so much. MEN. Women aren't leaving them somewhere or misplacing them, they are giving it to men, men who are JUST LIKE YOU.

So maybe you should direct your anger at the virginity collectors instead of the women who fall inlove with them.

Because really!! so what if she has had sex with anyone before she met you!
HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOU? Let me tell you how...

IT DOESN'T!!!

Get that into your stubborn sexist brain please and leave this woman. Love her enough to let her go and find the love she wants and deserves.

Your archaic sexist, and judgemental views are quite appalling to me. Makes me vomit in my mouth a little reading your posts, and I believe you are beyond help, therefore I will no longer read nor respond.

I wish your gf every happiness life has to offer, she deserves better than you.

1. yes I'm a guy.

What if, what if what if? You know what? this has nothing to do with her but everything to do with your own insecurities and even more reason you need to cut this off and let her find a man that has security in himself and knowing that if he's with a girl she's his girlfriend and none of the rest of it matters. Deal with reality not the "omg she has a past, what could happen if... " you'll drive yourself insane thinking about the what ifs.

What if she were a shoplifter in the past? OmG someday someone she stole from could come bak and haunt her
What if she smoked weed in the past? Omg something from her drug days could crop up and she could become part of the seedy (sarcasm here) drug world again.

Her past is gone. you need to accept what she is NOW or get out. She is not obligated to share it, nor does she need forgivness from you.

I suggest you get help from a t for your possessive and controlling tendencies.

When she told you this long list of previous partners, why hadn't you already left? Clearly it's a deal breaker.

And how sad, all these friends of yours, pointing her out, knowing how upsetting it is for you, professing to have already had a piece of her.
Are they being honest with you? Or are they getting your goat?

Blackmail, so you've got a ton of cash? Are they photoshopping her onto these alleged photos? Maybe everyone is correct, my take, she may only want you for your money.

Let her go...

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i think that it is strange that you are worried about her past, what is done is done..why does this bother you so? what does it matter what this woman has done b4 you came along? do you think she "knew" she was going to meet you and somehow save herself for you? listen to what you are saying, it sounds strange and unusual, thank goodness most women i know don't have your views about men if they did i suppose i would be undateable! perhaps you are inexperienced and therefore she feels you don't know what you are doing? whether she is from the city or the country or the moon has nothing to do with her "values" whatever that is supposed to mean. just so you know, many people male and female are having sex these days..turn on your television and you will see it glorified consistently..doesn't make it right or wrong, it just is.

i for one have been with many women, so what a woman has done b4 she met me is none of my business, nor do i ask about or care, it's before i came a long..do i want to hear about it NO..so guess what i don't ask. NEVER ask questions you don't want the answers to and your life will be much easier my friend. relax before you run this poor thing off, this isn't 1495 or the 1200's where people used to believe that women were "property" or some other ridiculous belief. get over yourself before you send her running for the hills.

she has never cheated on you so why are you giving her a hard time? let it go B4 SHE LETS YOU GO.. if you love her stop this nonsense. i hope you listen to me..i'm trying to help you.

addams.. i have to tell you, you are being unrealistic and out of touch with reality. i'm going to assume your inexperience with women is making you behave this way. i am trying not to insult you, but to talk some sense into you before you run your girl off.

many women and men have been "touched by others" and things didn't work out. consider this..if you break up with her.. won't you have been "touched by another?" how could another woman accept you then? right?

why should she give you all these passwords and all these other things? you my friend are VERY, VERY insecure. not trying to be mean just speaking the truth, you say you are so scared she will leave you..dude..you are making it happen, stop with this nonsense or you'll be starting another thread titled "why did she leave me"

why do you give a f**K what her EX"S ( notice i put that in capitals, because she is not with them and is with you) say, think or do..they want her back, so you are pushing her to them with your insecurity. she is with YOU as in Y-O-U.
my friend if you want it to stay that way , the silliness needs to stop.

why should she be quiet? she is not a dog or any other pet, everyone is entitled to a say so and an opinion. (doesn't make it right) but EVERYONE is entitled to speak their mind, friend. what if she wanted YOU to be quiet & listen to her?? do you do that? just curious.

listen my friend, i'm a guy and plenty of women will vouch for that..let me tell you, how you are handling this situation is not cool. if you don't change your ways YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GIRL, SIMPLE AS THAT.

if you have any hope of marrying this woman...TAKE MY ADVICE.
NOW IF YOU DON'T..JUST REMEMBER...I TOLD YOU SO.

i do hope you take my advice adams, i do.