New Guy...Don't want to mess it up

So, I met someone recently whom I actually like. But, it's only been one date, and I want to keep myself in check. He seems like a very open and communicative guy, but I really want to take the time to get to know him before jumping in.

However, at the end of our first date, we had a pretty scorching hot make out session...while passion and attraction are great, I certainly wouldn't want for things to just burn out ....so, is there a way to backtrack a bit...dial it back and just get to know him? We didn't have sex but, because I'd had about two drinks too many, it definitely went further than it would normally go on a first date for me.

I don't want to send mixed messages and wouldn't want him to think I'm not attracted/interested. We've texted a few times since the date (two days ago)...I'd like to be responsive so that he knows I'm interested and not playing games but find myself wanting to text back immediately after he sends me a message...How to find the balance of not being/appering over eager but being open and communicative about wanting to get to know him better?

We're about the same age 46 and 45 and I've struggled with this kind of thing in past relationships. Just want to learn some lessons and try to do things in a way that would help promote something more long term and healthy.

I think I would say basically what you said here the next time you talk: that things went further than they would have normally for you; that you are interested in a relationship that is long term and healthy. He'll either be interested in exploring that or not. Better to find out now.

I like icecreamkid's answer. Let him know how you are feeling. You'll know pretty fast if he is there for the same reasons you are.

tell him the truth, and explain very well how it's not about not wanting that but your reasons and makes sure he understands you are definitely into him

So, I haven't even had a chance to talk to the guy...he's been kind of aloof since the date, and I assume he's "just not into me." :-) It happens all the time...you go out on a great date and then no real follow up. I would be bummed but okay...it's just the way it happens. I probably wouldn't have thought about it again, except he keeps texting me.

...like first thing the morning after the date and last night to say hello and to wish me a good night...He sends out random messages saying things like "You're awesome." "You're so cute and so much fun." But, no actual phone call or attempt to make plans again. Even though we have been texting, he also sent me a nice message on the dating site where we met about 10 minutes after a text.

I have responded back with something to let him know I like him too. In one text message, I asked him if he'd like to get together and go for a hike over the weekend, but he didn't really answer. Just answered that he'd be working in town on Saturday...which could mean he's busy all day working or, because of work, he will actually be close to me and it's a go (I live in town and he lives an hour outside).

It's all very vague and kind of annoying. If a man likes a woman, he lets her know and tries to see her. So, I have no idea what the random texts are all about. I have responded back to texts because I like him and don't want to be rude. But, I have no desire to have a text relationship with someone.

Not sure if it's too early to see red flags....(only one date a few days ago) or if this is the exact kind of stuff that only gets worse as things go along. I'm thinking of just ignoring any future texts unless he actually picks up the phone to call me, but don't like to play games. At my (and his age), I thought we'd be past this kind of stuff. He'd either want to make plans again or just late the first date be it.

Is it possible for you to mention to him that you would prefer phone calls rather than texts? If he does not know this, then your ignoring his future texts might be misinterpreted (because he does not know your thoughts about the texts/phone calls).

You wrote: "If a man likes a woman, he lets her know and tries to see her."

I agree with this. When I got back into dating I found it very frustrating; it seemed like everything had changed and I often felt as though many men were just window shopping--hoping to find some ravishingly beautiful 22 year old with a trust fund just dying to hop into the sack with a 50 year old man with an ex wife, a 5 year old car and a medium-level job and no promises of commitment.

I still think what you wrote is true and it really boils down to what you want.

I'd want real dates; not text messages. If I were you I would decide on what I wanted and not put up with anything less.

So strange, but the guy actually responded back later that night that he'd like to go for a hike over the weekend (on Saturday) and invited me up his way. I was supposed to be doing some volunteer work the next morning, so he said for me to call him when I was done. Exactly as I said I would and ready to confirm plans, I called. He doesn't pick up the phone. About 20 minutes later, he just sends a text "Hanging with my daughter this afternoon. Will ring you later." No apology, no discussion about a different time or date...just a unilateral statement....

Now, I totally get that kids are a priority. But, at some point earlier in the day, he must have known his plans would change. I just don't understand why he didn't call or text to let me know. Had he let me know earlier, I could have made other plans with friends for the afternoon. So, I don't respond. I figured (1) he's with his daughter, and I don't want to interrupt, (2) nothing in what he wrote required a response and (3) I assumed it was a gentle way of just blowing me off and I wouldn't hear from him again so why not maintain a little bit of dignity.

But, about two hours later...he's texting me while he's with his daughter at her driver's license permit test. Nope, still has never picked up the phone and actually called me. Basically, just killing time while they wait. And, nothing about getting together later that evening or even the next day (today). So, I finally just said "Hey, I'm sure your daughter will pass the test...hope she does well. Gotta go grab a shower, have a great day."

And nothing more after that. So weird to me. If he'd never contacted me after the date, I would have assumed that he just wasn't interested. But, I don't really understand texing, making plans, blowing them off, then texting more. At age 46...what grown man acts this way? Am I naive or is this just they way the dating world works?

Is it possible to be remain optimistic while having this happen over and over ....or is it better to just be skeptical and risk turning bitter? I toggle between the two and don't know how to stay hopeful but protect myself at the same time. I've dated older, younger, similar background, different background...the only common denominator is me, so I assume I'm doing something wrong...but just can't figure it out.

some people, regardless of age, are more comfortable with texting rather than phoning. so, i don't think a lack of a phone call a few days after a date when he is texting is being aloof. it sounds like he's communicating but not in your preferred method. i think it's fine to communicate at that point and tell a potential date you aren't really into texting if that is there primary way of communicating. just to give them a heads up. or, you can request they call. i'd just be low key about it though. "hey, i'm not that into texting but i'd love to chat on the phone when you have time." i do get the sense you may have some definite expectations about how things should be done and if you either ease up on the expectations a bit or at least communicate those expectations & preferences i can see your dating life going smoother.

having said that, i would be annoyed about the day arriving when you were supposed to see him and he just expected you to wait around until he was available. i do find that a bit rude. what you can do in the future is just ask to make firm plans before the day arrives or say why don't we reschedule when you know when you will be free or just ask for a more specific time to call or for him to call you by a specific time. when you responded "have a great day" that does sound like a blow off on your part.

again, just honestly communicate your preferences & expectations--and it's always good to examine our expectations to see if they are realistic. also, next time i'd let him ask you out again for the 2nd date. yes, it's 2014 but some guys still like to be a little in control at least in the early stages.

as for not rushing things watch how much you drink and that should help a lot. just communicate you want to take things slowly. nothing wrong with that. i do think you sound a bit conflicted though as you said you wanted to take things slow and then asked him out. i think if you do actually slow down a little and communicate you'll do fine.

This is something that can be worked on.
I believe that, yes, the dating scene has changed. I'm also all about the more old fashioned methods, boy chases girl, girls says hi I'll date you, boy keeps pursuing. That said, seems the whole scene is rife with confusing messages, let women pursue, women like splitting the bill, woman are offended by door hold media messages. Door holding, phew, memo lost in that regard...chivalry not lost.
Went through one spell about who dials the phone. Went from text, want to call?(him to me), to me...sitting there...minutes passing. ..took a while...calling means he dials new dating scene bad habit #1, removed.
Texting, it's nice, at times. Sometimes having kids, phone rings...mommy mommy mommy from all was quiet until i got on the phone, texting is a tech tool that helps in that regard, but....text doesn't replace verbal cues, hearing voice, tone, etc. Several times now, my texts landed in cell tower no mans land for several days at a time, several weeks in a row. Left me looking unresponsive, and then(more long-term than a couple dates now), poof...his phone bombarded with a weeks worth of text messages in one moment(several times already) , bringing to attention, phone matters.

Find your personal reasons for liking it a certain way, then express yourself.

The new ways oversimplifies how it needs to be done. You be honest, let him mirror your honesty.

Probably say, you just don't want another relationship rife with resentment, and ask for compromise.

All very excellent points, especially about my expectations. Thank you. We did chat the next day...he was texting about his daughter, so I suggested that I'd like to actually hear about it on the phone. It was a very nice call, and he said that nothing had changed on his part in terms of his level of interest in me. That said, there really has been nothing from him since that phone call other than to send me a link to a podcast he likes (no accompanying message). So, at thist point, I think the ball is in his court. If he does reach out, then I'll see if I'm still interested. I expressed on our call that I enjoyed the date and would really like to get to know him better and spend some time together. I've been pretty open and feel good that I opened up. Nothing more for me to do. I would prefer that, if he likes me, he pursue me a little. If not, then I've already set up a date with someone else for tomorrow. ;-)

Dear lido78,

First let me say congratulations on putting yourself out there, that took lots of courage after some short term relationships.

If you don't mind, I'll offer some advice/not criticism.

What you see online is not often what you get in real world.

First date, a 2-3 drink minimum otherwise you might say or do something regretful.

Warning, Never go off somewhere like a wooded trail with someone you don't know !

Women at this age seem to get attracted too quickly and focus on one guy and jump into a long term committed relationship. ( understandable, not wanting to be alone )
Men at this age, after a failed marriage with children are gun shy to the above model.
Men have feelings, wants, needs, and desires.

Generally they are casting a wide net and exploring many options, as another poster mentioned you should do the same.

If you really want to know what this guy is all about offer a dangling carrot and see if he jumps for it. By his response you will know if he wants a quick treat or a whole meal.
I say this because he seems imo to not be the right one for you. ( And thats okay. )
But at least you have learned from this experience from other posters who offered amazing advice.

It will take some time and some dates but clearly you know what you want and you will find someone who wants the same. Any long term relationship starts with getting to know someone in person. A friendship, with a physical attraction develops into wanting
a mutual committed companionship/relationship.
In the mean time be happy and remember phone conversation is ideal, if he is interested he will call.
H.

ps, please dont use a dangling carrot/ it is not fair to the other person. I am suggesting it on this one situation, so she may see what this guy is about since there has been so much confusion.

Well, the guy actually made contact and just explained that there is too much going on with his daughter right now for him to focus on anything other then her. He apologized for not being in touch and hoped I understand (which I do). He referenced the possibility of something "down the road," but I don't expect anything to come of that. Not thrilled but at least happy he had enough respect to reach out. and impressed he's putting his child's needs first.

OMG...I'm so confused by this guy's behavior. About 12 hours after contacting me that he wanted to focus on his daughter, he texted me that he was wrong. He'd opened up to a friend about things with his daughter and "meeting this great girl who lives in the city," and the friend told he was a idiot for not pursuing things with me. He said that opening up to his friend relieved some of the pressure about the family situation and that he wanted to talk to me in person.

So, he drove 40 minutes into the city to tell me how much he likes me and to spend some time together. I thought that maybe he'd just had a small freak out earlier that day and that things would just be more normal from that point forward. It was a very normal date...he told me a bit more about his family, asked me about mine, played me some music he likes...we chatted about books. I even opened up and told him that I was concerned that the same thing would happen again, and he said, "No, it helped so much to chat with my friend. I don't want to screw this up. I'm here and I know I won't get a third chance." The next morning (Friday), he sent me nice little text messages but, by the afternoon, was only briefly responding to those I sent back. I didn't respond immediately to each of his messages (I was at work) but did get back to each one of them. However, since early last evening, nothing more...no suggestion to get together this weekend and no texts or phone call. It's only been 24 hours, but I have that sinking feeling that the same thing has happened again and I've just been played....

The phrase "fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me" keeps running through my head. But, to have it happen again within 24 hours is just weird. It's not even about him and me at this point...don't think I could trust him to be honest. Too inconsistent. Could this be a pathological thing...or was he just using me for some reason (loneliness, guilt)? I had told him in a very kind way that I understood about his wanting to focus on his daughter and would have walked away respecting him had that been our last exchange. I don't understand him apologizing, driving 40 minutes to spend time with me only to blow me off again. I was forgiving about the first "hiccup," and never took him for a player. I'd never treat someone like this but can only blame myself at the end of the day for being a fool.

I hear that. It's a consideration angle. Just a quick, hello, I'm thinking of you, goes a long way, at showing interest and pursuit. Yes, I'm a believer in being pursued instead of the other way around. Brings a semblance of balance, but that is just me.
I think it's rather difficult to broach such a discussion. Almost turns into being not immediately available each time. If you are you are, but if in the middle of something, by all means, get back to him at your leisure.

Gut thought. However you handled his stepping away, may be your saving grace, so to speak.

Hold your heart in your own hands. See if he can pull through.

When he first stepped away, I took the time to respond in a way that I'd be proud of later. I said I understood his concern for his daughter and respected his decision to focus on her. Then I told him to take care and that if he needed to talk to a friend, I was there. I don't think he expected that response and probably did regret his initial decision. I didn't try to changes his mind and I stayed warm but not "emotional." I don't really understand driving to see me to try and put things back on track only to go radio silent again. The last message between us was from him, but it as only to respond "You too" when I wished him a good night. I don't even know what I'd do if he contacts me again....It all seems like wasted energy on his part if he's not that interested. Does this sound like someone who's actually messed up or is it that he and I just have very different expectations?

I've had a proud of stepping away moment, before.
I had a discussion with my best female friend, recently. Discussing the plight of single women and how gun shy single men seem, due to horrific experiences. How much more difficult the dating scene has become, because of it.
I'd feel a bit confused, if a man drove that forty miles, out of his way, to discuss furthering a relationship, then to not see a little more aggressive pursuit (non violent aggressive, but more active displays might be the better expression. ) The whole dating scene has become utterly chaotic, due to fear. Who doesn't want to be the last person thought of, at night, and the first upon waking? The busyness of the rest of the day seems moot, if those two key times are added and addressed.
Right now, he's finding himself in, what do you want from me territory.
Just keep cool, but no sense putting all eggs in one basket lest he crosses that threshold.

Thank you so much for your insight. You've expressed well the dilemma so many people face now in the relationship arena. I don't want to operate out of fear. I want to be calm and reasonable and forgiving. And hopeful. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of. I will lay low and see if he makes any kind of move...but, will certainly keep my eyes and heart open if someone else is better at putting pretty words into real action. :-)

Laying low is so much harder than I thought it would be. I am feeling an overwhelming urge to reach out to find out what the heck is going on. I don't believe in letting things fester, but I also acknowledge that I may have a much faster time line than other people.

The last time I heard from him was Friday, and it was just basic chit chat via text. I believe in open communication, and that's why I reached out the first time he went MIA. The fact that he apologized and seemingly came around was so nice....I honestly thought the driving 40 minutes to see me was a sign that he was pretty into things and putting forth effort.

The way he talked to me that meeting was so sweet and open that I'm really kind of stunned to not hear from him. He talked about our first date and how happy he'd been to meet me. He noticed some things that needed fixing around my house and talked about how he'd fix them. This all seems like "I really like you" kind of behavior. He even admitted to me that he hadn't made love with anyone for almost three years, since he and his ex split up. Because he told me something so personal, I really thought some kind of trust was forming.

Am I expecting too much? Would not hearing from him for a few days be normal and I'm the one who is off? I just don't think I should have to reach out to find out what's going on twice after only knowing someone a few weeks. But, even if he's changed his mind again, wouldn't it be better to just hear it straight? Or, is his silence all the information I really need? To be honest, I'm actually kind of angry. If he'd left things the way they were before driving down to see me, I would have felt good about him as a person and good about myself for accepting that some relationships just don't work out even if both people like each other and are good people. Now I'm totally conflicted inside....and I don't know if the problem is him or me.

I had a very painful break up a year ago and have not liked anyone since then even though I have gone on a few dates. This just feels like a really shi*tty introduction back into the relationship arena. I'm starting to wonder if all I can do is pick people who are not very careful with other people's feelings. How could I feel this bad after only two dates with someone....I don't know what I'm doing wrong but have to take into consideration that the problem is me and my expectations.

Did you meet this person online - dating site? If that is the case - many times people are checking out all the possibilities...that could explain why is interested one minute and not the next and then on again. Do not be held hostage to his whims....try not to analyze it all - do not have expectations. If he contacts you and you feel like setting something up do so...if he bails out again - whatever the excuse is, I would forget about him - unless you can stay in the moment and just enjoy the time without thinking all about the future.

Yes, we did meet online. I hadn't checked before you mentioned it, but he was last online the night after our second date. So, he probably is still chatting with other women and/or making plans with them. It's early yet, so this is reasonable. I actually hid my profile after he disappeared the first time (just thought the online thing might not be for me) but didn't deactivate it. You are 100% right, I'm the one who is responsible for how I feel in this case. Sometimes the little hamster in the cage in my brain works overtime...best I get control of it and myself. Thank you for the reminder.

Good luck! I am single as well and tired of all the texting or texting me at 2:00 in the moring or trying to text sexy all the time. Or texts get misunderstood. I usually request talking on the phone at least - if they do not want to do that - I feel like they are "hiding"..or maybe they just want a thrill for the moment.

I think this guy is just not worth the time to be honest, hes wishy washy. I would just let it go. You deserve someone that will want to be with you and not vanish like he is.. Hes probably playing the field .. Thats just the downside of online dating ,...Its a great place for the Player type guys to have there fun. Not all guys online are that way at all .. I think you just bumped into one.

Im sure the next guy will be a better man