So stuck and concerned

I'm so concerned for my daughter and it's such a hard road to navigate right now. It's just wearing me out...literally.

Late last year she had a horrible battle with her back and pain and immobility. After many ER visits for shots after she'd already dealt with MASSIVE pain at home, we found out she had two herniated discs in her back. We were able to get the worst of it under control with steroids. I had to be there for her every second. She was practically immobilized for many months...either due to pain, or fear of pain. I had to be there 24/7 to do for her, talk her through the pain, talk her through the panic, take her to doctors, etc., etc., etc. I watched her go from a vibrant, mega-independent young woman to a totally needy child. The doctors explained that it would take a year for her herniations to heal.

She seemed to be healing, still dealing with pain at almost any physical activity and, therefore, living in complete panic in expecting the horrible pain to return. I've been there. That's a hell on earth. I had to do so much for her, physically and emotionally. No choices...she needed it but at the same time resented that I HAD to...reflecting that resentment on me.

She was continuing to heal and come back around when (while taking birth control) she found out she is pregnant. Now she's newly married (less than two months) and three months pregnant.

Again, she was beginning to begin to do again on her own then got horribly ill. We found out at her first OB visit that she's showing hyperthyroid...which can cause extreme nausea, ill feeling, agitation, etc. magnifying morning sickness and mood swings greatly.

She's been so incredibly sick; getting dehydrated a couple of times. Again, she can't do and needs help. That's fine. Im mama and that's what mom's do.

The thing is...

She's so incredibly HATEFUL. It's so hard. This has been going on for six months now, and now we have another six months to go with focus on well mama and new baby. I just have to go in the other room and cry sometimes, even after using hubby as a sounding board which is wearing him out.

I know she can't help alot of this as alot of it is physical. I do feel that she can control it much better than she is and some of it has become habit. It's hard for me not to "stand my ground or come back" when I feel I'm being attacked. I can't because I never know what's illness and what's her being a turd.

I have to get through this next visit with the specialist for the thryroid issue so that hopefully we can get her stablized while still knowing I'll have to be there heavy-duty when her back starts in (dr says it will for sure), then mama's main and biggest role in her life to date will be getting her back to the road she was on prior to this. It might not happen until after she has the baby...I'm aware of that. She's going to have issues with her back as well. Oh, this is going to be a long next six months.

I just needed someone to know how hard it is right now, vent to someone who might understand.

Instructing and encouraging her to self-soothe and be OK with self again, as well as find her independence again, may be one of my difficultly navigated roles yet as a mother. She's so childlike and miserable. It could be that she embraces that herself when she feels better.

It's just so hard to feel attacked and triggered (PTSD) all the time, due to feeling pressured and attacked, because there's no way to almost completely manage another's life and do it well. She feels sooooo needy, and I can't make it all better. I need to explain to her that, even when I'm not doing just for her, she's my entire life.

KD

{{{{{{{{{{{{KD}}}}}}}}}}}}

You know the answers, Dear Lady. Find your courage and do it. Tell her this is going to be a long road and you need her cooperation and respect to get through it.

Both you and your daughter are in my prayers.

Your daughter is having a really hard time but her behavior is never determined by her illness, just grossly influenced. She's being a turd all the time :-) It's not your job as a mother or other person, no matter how you slice it, to worry about her words and behavior and whether it's "okay" or not. If it's "ugly" it's not okay. We always need to be responsible for ourselves no matter what the circumstances.

You need to let her know how her behavior is affecting you and sapping your strength so it is hard to help her when she most needs it. Not being "honest" with her, trying to take on more than your share of her personality is not helping either of you? We cannot change other people, only ourselves and likewise we cannot carry other people 100%, only ourselves and sometimes, when we're feeling strong enough and have good support ourselves, we can let them lean a bit on us.

Fear of something that might happen but is not now happening is anxiety and not a healthy thing. I think your daughter needs to be given more responsibility for herself and her pain rather than being allowed to have mama back so much? Mama does have her own life (or should). Once we get to a certain age (and what is her husband doing? Lots of this should be his job?) we don't get that one-on-one mama thing anymore, we're "grown" or need to work on being grown. It's a hard, painful world but the baby birds gotta learn to fly even though some don't make it. Any chance of your daughter getting psychotherapy and "support" that way?

Her husband works daylight till dark and she can't be alone during those hours. Her heart races uncontrollably and she's weak, faint and sick. She's a hair from bedrest. The dr. has already ordered her on "rest". I'm sorry I didn't explain that. Yes, she does have to have someone manage for her quite a bit. Further, in all of this she's not supposed to get highly stressed???

Yep, she has to have someone manage and also help her with managing her emotions. We're working on that right now as well. We've ordered relaxation tapes and are looking into therapy for her to learn relaxation for her body and mind.

It's just hard all the way around. It was explained to me that alot of her emotions were across the top specifically due to the physical conditions and will calm but it might take quite a while and they might not until after the pregnacy where she have additional treatment. She's already lost 17 lbs. as well.

So, while I have professionals telling me that most to all of this is physical (especially since it wasn't her norm prior and with the physical issues, meds, etc. that's been going on). I know that she can't help a great deal of this, but nonetheless is what she has to deal with and manage to the best of her ability. That's where we're at now. Reading, asking, finding out as much as we can to help her manage this as it continues and until it's stablized.

I so understand what you're saying, Perna. My oldest was able to fly quite successfully with mama standing in the background. This child was WELL on her way and getting ready to enter college when all this began...with mama in the background. Trust me, with raising little man, I'd love to be in the background and see her doing well.

When she's being ugly, I do put the stoppers in and she checks herself. Sometimes it's hard for me not to bite back, and hard. That's where it's causing me stress...so I'll be utilizing the relaxtion CD's as well.

It just "is" right now and it's hard...

Thank you so much, Perna.

KD

Yes, it is ((((((((((((( sept )))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for the prayers. They're welcome and needed.

It's going to be a rough road and I might visit this thread often.

Love and thanks,

KD

(((((Kimmy)))))

Such a hard place to be with our kids and their problems. My youngest has back problems too. The steroids have done nothing for her except to inflame and make the pain worse. She is too young for surgery to fuse the spine. She gets angry from the pain too and takes it out on me or anyone within listening distance to her. I hate how that makes me feel when she is lashing out at me....like it's my fault she is in pain or it's my fault I can't fix it for her. *sigh*

I'm through feeling guilty over this. I have done everything I can to try to help her. When she gets nasty, I end our conversations. I refuse to be her whipping post anymore. I do what I can to help. I suggest things like maybe looking into "pain management". It is on her plate to decide if she wants to look for alternative ways to help herself.

Is this hard for me to do?? Hard for me to turn my back on my child?? You bet it is. Is it something that needs to be done so that she learns to become independent and think outside the box? Again, you bet it is.

It's so hard to find the right balance so that we can care for ourselves while caring for our children, no matter what age they are. I pray you can find the strength to not feel guilty if you step back a bit and let her fend for herself. In the long run, it may be the best thing for the both of you.

Hugssssssss,
Jean

Ooops....I was writing my post when you posted again...LOL I hope I didn't overstep with some of my assumptions. Sounds like you are doing the best you can do with the situation and I wish you all well!

Hugsssssss
Jean

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sabau2 said:
She gets angry from the pain too and takes it out on me or anyone within listening distance to her. I hate how that makes me feel when she is lashing out at me....like it's my fault she is in pain or it's my fault I can't fix it for her. *sigh*

I'm through feeling guilty over this. I have done everything I can to try to help her. When she gets nasty, I end our conversations. I refuse to be her whipping post anymore. I do what I can to help. I suggest things like maybe looking into "pain management". It is on her plate to decide if she wants to look for alternative ways to help herself.

Is this hard for me to do?? Hard for me to turn my back on my child?? You bet it is. Is it something that needs to be done so that she learns to become independent and think outside the box? Again, you bet it is.

It's so hard to find the right balance so that we can care for ourselves while caring for our children, no matter what age they are. I pray you can find the strength to not feel guilty if you step back a bit and let her fend for herself. In the long run, it may be the best thing for the both of you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Great advice sabau2!!

our mother has been extraordinarily supportive in our life but also has learned the strength and value of setting appropriate boundaries. of course she's our mother and we "rely" on her in certain ways as she's a supportive loving mother............but that doesn't mean she wants to be or is willing to be our doormat when we're incapable of controlling our emotions.

it IS best in the long run if you're able to set boundaries now, get outside helpers, find alternative ways so that neither of you end up with regrets, grudges and hurt feelings over something that needs some separation.

Thank you so much for sharing that you relate, though I'm sorry you do.

Yes, if she didn't heed the stoppers that I'm putting into the conversations, I would go the next step. I would have to. I so understand. I may have to.

Yes, I think she's angry at the world right now and I'm available.

She's in pain, can't take anything to help due to pregnancy, having trouble already with that pregnancy, etc., etc. I think she looks at me sometimes and is just angry. I get that. I've been there when dealing with my trigeminal neuraligia. However, sometimes you gotta go rip a pillow to shreds while keeping it respectful to those around you.

I don't expect her not to ever "fly off the handle", of course. We all do. Mostly it's a reflection of where we're at inside. I get that. I've learned that with myself.

I've discussed with her journaling all this anger and resentment. Also, we're going to get some crafts to try to occupy the physical problems as best we can while doing relaxtion as well. That's on her. It's something she must do.

I explained that I will help, but she has to do what she can and nothing less.

I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers as well. Already once, I made her leave for a few days. I explained that she wasn't going to sit here and treat me that way without even at least attempting to work for herself. If I see her doing that, I can deal.

That was a couple of weeks ago and there's been a huge improvement. What's left is what we're working on. I'm just worn out because it's been so long-enduring, I think. So is she and everyone involved.

Thank you so much.

KD

KD can you get Respite to come in from time to time to help give you some breating time?

((((((((( nothemama ))))))))))

That's what I'm working on as well. When the little man goes to school, I need to make sure that daughter has what she needs and allow myself that time as I can. That's where I could be alot better.

Also, I think I've given the wrong impression that she's that way ALL the time. Right now it feels like it...lol...but she's not. For instance, I just spoke with her on the phone and she feels really good this morning and is my pleasant, helpful, happy daughter. She just said, "I hope this time comes more and more because I know I'm so difficult. At the end of the day when I go through it, I get so mad at myself and it feels so out of control at that moment."

She's a wonderful kid and I think that's why it might be so hard...because I'm not used to having to relate with her the way I do at times...well, of course I did occassionally but not at this frequency.

Love,

KD

Great idea nothemama....maybe some friends could be counted on to visit with her for an hour or so at a time....it would help to lighten her situation by having her peers by her side and give Kimmy a much needed break.

Also, Kimmy, if you and your daughter belong to a church, maybe a weekly visit from a priest or pastor might be beneficial. They are always willing to visit those in need of a smiling face and calming demeanor.

KD, it sounds like you are doing everything possible to help your daughter. I applaud you!

I'm breathing for you both....slowly, deeply and with prayers!

(((((__zh)))))

Sounds like you have an awesome mom!

Hugsssssss
Jean

I think we posted at the same time, zh. I'm sorry I missed that. I didn't see your response until I saw sabau's response to you! Again, sorry.

Yes, it sounds like your mother is a wonderful example of lines that need to be drawn...especially with adult children.

If there wasn't all this physical, oh what a much easier situation it would be to navigate...lol. She has an apartment and I would make her leave. I've done it before and would again in a heartbeat if she crossed the line.

I believe what I read...the mother/daughter relationship is the most complex, yet extraordinary, in the world.

Thank you again.

KD

More good suggestions, sabau. Thank you.

I just can't wait until spring. She can go outside and sit on the porch or under the tree. Or, I can.

Spring will be so healing in itself...

KD

she really is sabau. she has taught us the strength in learning to ask for help, learning to receive help, and learning to differentiate when to try on our own and when to let go of pride and accept assistance.

raising two kids solo after being widowed certainly created hardships in her life. she was firmly loving and very supportive to both her children....but she also had her limits and would stop in an instant if we crossed those limits.

her examples are a good portion of how we've managed to survive the hard times through our diseases/disorders.

there is strength in setting and maintaining boundaries....especially when someone has great needs.....needs will always be there........the ability to meet those needs won't be.........one has to learn they can't meet every need of every person---including themselves.

we all need others and sometimes that even means someone other than mom.

sounds like you were instrumental in teaching valuable lessons to your daughter. it can't be easy to "turn your back" as you said but it really isn't turning your back but instead showing your strength in maintaining your boundary. by doing that you were able to show your daughter that you weren't her 24/7 whipping post. it can be shocking as an adult daughter to have one's mother stand their ground but in long run it benefits BOTH mother and daughter. you're good mamma to love your daughter enough to set and maintain those limits.

hang tough KD. it can't be easy when medical complications are in play but that still doesn't mean you have to be doormat to her out of control emotions.

it is all the more difficult when there is awareness when not in the moment of how elevated her emotions are. of course she feels awful for not being in control. of course you feel awful she feels awful and so on. everyone feels awful but what can be done to minimize those awful feelings?

sounds like you've got some good ideas to put into place and practice.

complex is probably the most accurate word for mother daughter relationships.

take care of you so that you not only can but want to help your daughter when you're able. the more stable and reliable you are in your reponses the less likely she'll be able to mow over anyone with her emotions. ((kd's daughter...it is so hard when biology takes over and one's emotions are no longer in control)))

Thank you, zh. Yes, that's so true.

You're right, she feels guilty, I feel guilty. So true...

A good place to start would be looking at that guilt that just adds to the whole mess. When one does the best that they can, trash guilt.

We can work on that today!

KD

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__zh said:
sounds like you were instrumental in teaching valuable lessons to your daughter. it can't be easy to "turn your back" as you said but it really isn't turning your back but instead showing your strength in maintaining your boundary.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you __zh for that clarification...you are so right, I'm NOT turning my back, I'm setting and keeping boundaries. There is a complete difference there and I need to remember that!

Thanks for your support....they mean a lot!

kimmy hon you can't fix everything for her. we are not supermom's although we would love to be. you can be there to help her but some she has to do on her own. I know the pain of the disk issues. I have 3 that are significantly torn. you can help with that but the emotional stuff she has to do. take care of yourself too hon. you have an overflowing plate with all you are doing. we love you around here and want you to be ok too.

Thanks so much, y'all.

We were just in the ER for 9 hours. She's so sick. She's so weak and sick.

She got 2 1/2 bags of IV fluids, phenergan and it didn't appear to help yet...also, with all those fluids, she didn't go to the bathroom for the entire 9 hours, then went as we were leaving.

She also has a pretty bad UTI and will have antibiotics for that.

To top it off she has to go off her prenatal vitamins and take flinstone chewables.

She's to call her OB tomorrow and then go back to hosp for tests for the specialist she sees on friday.

So concerned. I'm just watching her get weaker and sicker and scared for herself. I feel so helpless...

KD

(((((((((((((((kd))))))))))) I'm here if you need me.

I'm so sorry, KD. (((((((((KD&Family))))))))) Sending out lots of prayers, for whatever they're worth.
Bebop is right,try to remember to take care of yourself, too. (((((((extra hugs))))))))

thank you so much (((((((( everyone ))))))))

This evening's update...

We went out the the hospital for the bloodwork and dropped her scripts off on the way. At the hospital she walked the entire way and didn't get severely out of breath or faint! YAYAYAYAY!

Then we went to the pharmacy and walked around. She told me there she was done and needed to sit down.

When we got home she realized she'd overdone it a bit and felt exhausted and started feeling really sick again...the crying began again.

She took 1/2 of one of her phenergan and WHAT A BLESSING! Not only was she able to eat and drink with tummy feeling better, but the sedating effect of the phenergan helped her emotional state and she calmed. She ACTS a bit sedated but WHO CARES!!!

This is the most promising thing I've seen, and felt as a mother, in almost a month!!!!

We see her OB tomorrow. I'm not sure that he won't send her for some more fluids because she's still weak and eyes still look like she's dehydrated, but we'll see. She sees the endo Friday and we should know the results of some of the tests for hyperthyroid.

Yep, that magic little pill has helped alot with its first use.

Please continue with the thoughts and prayers that this is the turning point for my baby girl.

Love,

KD