my boyfriend triggers me and records my reactons

hi am new here.


i have bipolar II disorder (have not am, no one says i am cancer.) with mixed state episodes which are absolutely no fun.

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (in our 30's) and told him everything about what i deal with in my life when we started dating and turned out he suffered from depression. i thought he would be understanding.

the biggest problem is that he refuses to communicate with me if i am upset about something. i have zero right to be angry. he completely shuts down. i try to tell him what's wrong and i need him to talk with me but he gets on his phone or computer and just ignores me completely. it infuriates me, it's a trigger to upset me and then blames me for whatever i am angry or upset about.

i cry, i no longer beat the crap out of myself or pull my hair out or scream. i just cry. so then when i am really upset (and this is a new thing) he breaks out his iphone and starts recording me saying "this is so everyone can see what you are like" or "so you will finally believe how you act". i am well aware how i act. i am crying. in the past on bad meds i have given myself severe concusions. he knows this and has seen me "bad" and calmed me down when he was not doing this to me. i have been doing well for a while.

tonight i nearly killed myself trying to get his phone away to get him to stop. i said it was controlling, emotionally abusive, manipulative and disrespectful not to mention hurtful and not allowed in our realtionship. he said he needed proof of my "violence and aggression" but i was trying to get the damn phone away from someone totally triggering me and pushing my buttons who is twice my size. anyway i only hurt myself if i was ever violent, he knows this. i have the MRI'S to prove it.

he calmed down and erased the videos, i made sure. i said i would not do this to him. it is not something i will tolerate. then i found him downloading a quicktime file to record just sound. i then left and i am now crying on a couch. i just got a text message saying everything was my fault (it's always my fault) cause i was in a bad mood and ruined his mood. he is like two people and for someone who has bipolar disorder that is saying something. i admit i am difficult sometimes and strong minded but he used to like that.

i need to not feel so wrong and frustrated. i feel like i have totally lost all ability to reason and i am smashing myself into a really painful brick wall.

I'm really sorry to hear that he is treating you this way. You didn't go into great detail about what's going on but from what you've said I do get the impression that he is being manipulative. He's purposely trying to get a response out of you that he knows you will give...as to why I'm in no place to say...but I can see that it isn't healthy. It isn't fair for him to provoke you and blame you for feeling wronged since he won't at least talk the issues out. This part doesn't make sense to me Why would he not discuss what's going on only to be deliberately provocative and record your reactions... I apologize it's like 7a for me so I'm not giving you the best response I may come back to this later, more alert and able to give one I normally can and hopefully you get more replies Hope you're safe ok

Is leaving him, an option?

Oh goodness.

It doesn't even matter what it was that's been upsetting you or going on beforehand -but pulling out a device to record someone just isn't cool.

Is he worth staying with? Like... if he always refuses to talk to you when you're upset, and it sounds like you're upset quite often... then are you even happy in the relationship?

IMO Your bf should start wearing a full body condom because he's behaving like a complete "ahem"...


I would not stay with anyone who purposely provoked me, recorded my meltdowns for his personal sick entertainment and then blamed me for it all just for good measure...


I'm sorry you're going through this, sounds pretty toxic and extremely bad for your mental health.


I would leave if I were in your shoes, because this doesn't sound like any kind of love.


You deserve so much better

I am just gonna play devils advocate here for a minute. Please bear with me if you can.
I am pretty sure you said he is a depressive. It sounds clear that his coping mechanism is to shut down, block out the offending input. It upsets him. And now, because you insist he talk to you or experience this with you as it is happening, he feels attacked, probably, and records you, because you are likely a lovely person otherwise and he can't quite figure out how to handle this side of you. Being aware you are bi polar and having to feel the brunt of its ugly side is not his forte'. He may trigger you inadvertently, and I seriously doubt he intends to. If you say otherwise, that is another story.

He is a depressive. Not a therapist. Just because he has his own issues, doesn't mean he understands yours. You probably scare him a little.
You sound like you rage. He can't handle it, and needs you not to do that. So you cry, which is how you cope right now. Is that right?
Of course recording your outburst of energy is horrible & really not okay. Saying he wants you to see what your outbursts 'look like' is just his very misguided attempt to let you see what it looks like To Him. He thinks you don't realize. I know...wow.
Being supportive does not mean being someones punching back or dumping ground. I think he wants to support you, is trying, but doesn't know how.

Have you considered that perhaps you might need to come up with a plan together when everyone is on an even keel, that when you experience this, you each agree to go to your separate corners or whatever? Are either of you, separately or together, in therapy?
You may need things from him, but clearly emotional outbursts aren't going to get you the results you wish for, not with this guy. I am pretty sure that is what the video taping is about. He can't handle it and wants you to stop. Perhaps with help you can change up your meds or use other tools to learn to deal with this when it happens....
All the people I know, including myself, have learned to clear out when an angry episode occurs w/ a BP. It is natural to self preserve.
Okay, let me have it PC friends. I just want everyone to be happy here...

You deserve better than this. Let me say, too, that just because someone says he (or she) has depression, doesn't necessarily make it so. And depression is no excuse for neglect, abuse, or cruelty. What you are describing in your boyfriend (he's no friend, in my opinion) does not sound like depression. I thing you should take a break from this man and see if you don't find yourself in a more stable frame of mind, after the initial sorrow of breaking off from the relationship.

I'd leave him. He's a jerk.

I vote for running...really fast.

I agree with an earlier post that him shutting down and blocking you out could very well be a depressive mechanism of his own... HOWEVER, the whole recording thing and lines like "so everyone can see what you're like" is completely out of line. To me those actions show a total lack of love and respect. I'd have a hard time mustering any trust or respect after an incident like that.

Do you think he's worth working things out with? Maybe consider counseling for the both of you since the status quo seems to be making you both more ill. Good luck.

If he has depression or any other mental illness, that doesn't excuse any of his behavior. At all.
He's being ableist. He is abusive and manipulative.
Just from reading your quotes of him saying that it's all your fault, that he needs it as evidence "to show people what you're like" ... This definitely sounds like he's doing this on purpose and whether or not he's depressed, it needs to stop.

If you aren't doing anything abusive to make him want to record you, he's infringing upon your rights. He's crossing your boundaries, and that is abusive. He shifts the blame onto you, and that is abusive. He says you aren't allowed to be angry, that's abusive.

You have the right to feel however you do about this, okay? It is not your fault.

You deserve so much better, whether it's from him if you want to stay together, or from someone else.

I hope you are doing okay! Do you have a therapist you can call? It sounds like he's definitely making you feel unsafe, and you have every right in the world to take a break, ask for help from a therapist, break up, or whatever. Your choice, opinion, and safety is what matters the most.

wow i did not think i would get this many responses. yes i have a therapist, a pdoc my meds are good (after years of bad i know what works finally) and i take very good care of myself. he does suffer from real- can not get out of bed for days- depression. and like i said i don't rage at myself anymore. i cry. (i am very aware of myself) that is really it. yay meds finally working.

i had a long talk with a friend of ours who had an ex husband who did the same crap to her. she could not believe i was going through this with my boyfriend.

i have set boundaries that he is not to cross, i let him know how emotionally abusive and controlling he has been in detail. he has agreed to go to therapy himself (the lack of mental healthcare in this country has been a serious problem for him) and he agreed to go to couples therapy because i said if not i was leaving. he needs to learn how to communicate with out shutting down which i said was a way for him to control the situation. if it was all bad i would have left a long time ago. he is my best friend too and why all of this crap so much worse. the people you are the closest to should not hurt you but def have the ability to hurt you the most. i have never had to deal with this recording bs with anyone before.

100% agreed. He's hurting you...

Glad you have found the right meds and they are working. That is great. I hope no one thinks recording someone, in any situation, is okay. It is not. I certainly wouldn't like it. I don't even like my picture taken, never have.
I hope your BF will find the right help for his depression. It is a battle I understand and know can be won. The win doesn't always 'stick' but the I know that if you got out of it once, you can do it again. That is my hope for him.

Look, the guy said that he would broadcast your private life without your permission - why are you still with him and why did you not report him to the police?

There is not much the police could do at this point, but at least he'd get a wake-up call and hopefully refrain from stalking you after you separate from him.

Your boyfriend lacks alot of areas of emotional skills. From everything you've said he appears to have the emotional intelligence I had when I was 10 years old.