I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to my husband

I enjoy spending time with my husband, we have many things in common. But the last two years I have found myself less and less sexually attracted to him. I don't enjoy sex with him when I used to love it and I don't really feel romantically connected to him.


I'm also feeling very unattractive lately, I gained 40 pounds in the last year and that is taking its toll on my self image.


When I'm feeling down or just apathetic, my husband is not very supportive or kind, instead he nags me about things I haven't done or takes it personally if I don't want to talk.


I'm starting to get exhausted about always trying to avoid a fight. Maybe marriage wasn't such a good idea...

Hello purplepearl: Maintaining a long-term marital relationship can be tough, today especially I believe. There are so many ways in which two people can grow apart. I don't know how old you & your husband are, or how long you've been married. (My wife & I have been married for over 30 years.) One thing I know is that marital relationships are going to change over time. Ours certainly has. And issues are going to arise on both sides of the fence (husband & wife.) Sometimes it takes active intervention to save a marriage, assuming it can be saved at all.

Sometimes such things as marriage counseling can be helpful. Or if one of the members of the couple is not willing to participate in marriage counseling, then perhaps individual counseling or therapy can be helpful for the person who is willing to participate in such a service. Of course, as I'm sure you're aware, there are also a wide variety of weight loss programs around if added weight is causing self-esteem issues to arise. (It can certainly be difficult to work successfully on saving a marital relationship if one's self-esteem is low.) There are also anger management classes one can take, as well as both men's (& women's) support groups... lots of different options, depending on where you live & what your husband's & your preferences are.

It can be difficult to know how, or at what point, to break into the downward cycle when a marital relationship is floundering (assuming, of course, that trying to save it is what you want to do.) And this may be different for every couple. But the important thing is that you take some sort of action (whatever it is possible for you to do) to get the process started. The worst thing one can do is to do nothing. The problems you describe won't go away by themselves. They'll simply continue to smolder until they break out into a real fire which may then destroy the relationship once & for all.

The good news here is that you are aware of the problems that are arising within your marriage. And so you are in a position to at least try to do something about them, assuming you want to. Of course, you also must be able to enlist the active participation of your husband. If it should turn out he is simply not willing, then you must, of course, save yourself. My best wishes to you.

Hi Purplepearl,

I can totally identify with what you experiencing. I had a very familiar situation happen. I am now separated from my husband (soon to be ex-husband - divorce has been filed but is taking a long time being finalized.) I too went through not feeling attracted to him and we were fighting a whole bunch. He was very unsympathetic to my feelings and what I was going through (at the time I was not officially diagnosed bipolar but was majorly depressed and full of anxiety.) He would also get mad because I wasn't getting things done. The more he nagged the more I sunk into deep depression. I also experienced several panic attacks due to his constant attacks. I fell out of love and realized the only way to help myself was to leave my marriage. It was doing more harm than good. Now I am not suggesting you do the same as I am not in your shoes. Only you know in your heart of hearts what to do. Yet I can say that it is not healthy for your well being having him react the way he is. I also totally understand you not feeling attractive - lack of sex/intimacy can have a huge damper on one's self esteem. I gained a bunch of weight at one point (after we separated though) and this was a huge blow for me. I felt unattractive and unwanted. Again, only you can decide what is best for you. I wish you all the best and can tell you are not alone.

Thank you both for taking the time to read my post and respond. It feels nice to know someone cares enough to offer advice.


We haven't been married very long - 10 months. We go to couples counseling periodically. We were doing well with communication and spending time with one another but we still haven't figured out how to rekindle the sexual relationship. In addition to not feeling very attracted to my husband, he never initiates sex, so it's up to me to do so.


Yesterday was a rough day for me mentally, just felt really apathetic and out of it all day and instead of being empathetic and kind, he was taking my disengagement personally and then proceeded to nag me about little things which only made my mood worse.

Hi pear.... As a man I can tell you that he is probably feeling that you're not as attracted to him as you used to be. You say that he never initiates sex. He is probably feeling unattractive and unloved. If you really do want to continue in your relationship, I think you should talk it out with him and tell him that you are going through a stage that is more to do with you than with him. And tell him you would like him to initiate sex more often... It will make him feel more attractive and may have a good effect on your future relationship.

Well, purplepearl... of course I'm an oldster... & I have my own problems along these lines... so perhaps I shouldn't say anything. But, to me, when I hear that a guy never initiates sex & leaves it up to his wife to do so, that raises a red flag for me! There's a skunk in the woodpile somewhere, as we used to say... I won't even begin to speculate with regard to what it might be. But I wonder if there might possibly be a need for some individual therapy services for your husband, if he would be willing to go. Here, again, if he is not, there's not much you can do about it except do what is necessary to take care of yourself...

I'm almost positive that something is not quite right with my romantic/sexual trigger centers, I don't find anyone attractive much anymore. Maybe it's me internalizing the feeling of being unattractive so that I don't see anyone else as unattractive?

Plus, it seems like each day I feel differently about my situation and my other emotions. Yesterday, I couldn't give a crap about anything. My husband asked me what was wrong because I hadn't said much all day, and all I could say was "I just don't feel very talkative." Then later that night, his mother informed me that his Nana's cancer has metastasized to her blood and I had no reaction at all, I didn't feel anything.

Today, I feel guilty about how I failed to respond to something like that. Today I also feel like maybe my husband isn't feeling very attractive either and maybe I need to cut him some slack? I don't know. I just feel so scattered all the time.

I do like the idea of individual counseling, though. I think we would both benefit from talking to someone without the other in the room.

Ugh, I'm so lost.

Have you ever tried meditation? It's a good way to observe your feelings or lack thereof and to realize that whatever it is you're going through, it's part of being alive. It may also lessen your thoughts of feeling scattered since it reduces the amount of "chatter" going on in your head.

As for your recent weight gain, it sounds like it's not where you want to be. I read somewhere that the only thing in common with all the diets that work is that you write down everything you eat. There are several apps and websites that help you do that including showing your calorie intake.

As for therapy, I think you should look after yourself first and consult a professional. In the same way on a flight you should put an oxygen mask on first before putting one on your children in order to save both of you.

Good luck to you, I wish you well

Feeling lost is a textbook reason to seek out some individual therapy services, purplepearl.