Skip Holiday Visit to Inlaws - Is That Bad?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about seven years. Every year we spend Christmas Day driving to visit his parents who live about 7 hours away. Last year we also visited a childhood friend of my boyfriend who lives about two hours away from his parents (and further away from home). It's really a lot of driving to pack into four days.

Today I learned that my boyfriend wants to do a repeat of the trip we did last year. I don't like his parents and feel like an intruder when he visits with his friend. I miss out on Christmas with my own family. We've been spending Christmas Eve with my mother, but she works long hours on that day and at least one of my brothers usually also has to work.

Anyway, I don't really want to go. I am annoyed that I get informed of these plans instead of there being any discussion. I would like to stay at a hotel, but that gets shot down. I am at the point where I feel like if he wants to do the trip exactly how he wants, he can go alone.

I stayed at home one year and he was pretty angry with me. He kept insisting he wasn't, but I think he was. I am sorely tempted to take a pass this year as well.

Does anyone else let their SO visit their parents on their own?

I'm not in the same situation you are in, because we don't visit my family at all, but we used to fight because my anxiety made me very uncomfortable when visiting my gf's family. She used to get really mad at me for not wanting to go do things with her family, & couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. She didn't want me staying at home alone, which didn't bother me at all. But at that time, I wasn't really standing up for myself, & I would just go in the end to shut her up. Now my anxiety is a lot more under control, & I enjoy spending the holidays with her family.

But anyway, I think that there should definitely be some discussion & an agreement on what the holiday plans are. Neither one of you should be telling the other what the two of you will be doing. You gave it a shot last year, & didn't really enjoy yourself. Don't do it again this year. You should get to see your family, too.

That's interesting that your GF has the same reaction my BF has. If he doesn't want to come to my mother's for dinner, I totally understand - I usually don't want to go either, why would he?! I'm glad that you actually like spending time with your GF's family now.

We had a talk about it tonight. I didn't tell him that I was thinking of bailing, but I did suggest we go the day after Christmas, which he seems amenable to (a first- I have suggested this before). He came up with the idea of spending one night at his parents, one night with his friend, and then the next night with his parents - which really would limit the amount of time we spend with them.

I do not enjoy his family at all. His father is an alcoholic narcissist. My BF and his mother just pretend not to notice when the father is passing out drunk at the dinner table. They knew that he was driving drunk, but I had to figure it out for myself a few years down the road. I will no longer get in a car if he is driving.

He gave me food poisoning one year. I started to bring my own food because of that - and because they don't eat three meals a day! They skip at least one meal, sometimes two - and the portions would be more appropriate for two people, not four. Due to control issues his father has, us cooking for everyone is not an option - I wish it was!

I just hate going there. My boyfriend is the only one who stays in touch. His siblings are estranged from their parents. If he accepts them not going, why do I have to??

When we first started going, my BF would start playing with his phone, ignoring his parents so I had to talk to them. One year I told him that I would be leaving the room when he did that -- and followed through. Ha ha, it worked!

That used to be my coping mechanism for handling my gf's family, too so I kind of understand that. It was my way of blocking out all of the people around me.

I'm glad you two were able to talk about it!

When he does it at my family's house, no problem -- but if we are with his family, *he* needs to take the leadership role in amusing them!

If your b/f knows how you feel about his parents then he should not make you go .
7 hours is a long drive to see people you do not want to see .

I have new information about this situation. I am pretty unhappy about it and not sure what to do.

The first time my BF and I talked about it this year, he suggested that we just make a three day trip which included a visit to one of his friends who lives about two hours from his parents - so drive to his parents, spend a night, drive to his friend's house for the day, then go back to visit his parents that night. He also said we could leave the day after Christmas. I liked this plan and agreed to it.

He started having second thoughts. He wanted to go on Christmas Day, making it a four day trip. We wound up flipping a coin. I lost. I was mad at myself for agreeing to this as we have gone to his parents on Christmas Day five years out of seven.

So now the trip was drive to his parents on Christmas, spend two nights, drive to his friend's, spend a night, then drive 9-10 hours back home. I should mention that these driving times don't include rest breaks - this is just driving non-stop.

He said we could do something to get away from his parents the next day, but as I was sitting next to him while he was on the phone with his mother, he started saying that I wanted to do X, but it was too far, so we were going to skip it!

He also said that we were going to cook his family dinner, a special dish that *I* make for us at home, so you can guess who is signed up to cook dinner (and shop for all the ingredients and pack all the special tools needed to make it).

I feel really stomped on. Almost every concession he has made, he has taken away. The concessions he is making now are taking my family out to a nice restaurant on Christmas Eve (which I am pretty sure is not open) and going to my mother's for breakfast, which makes his mother mad since we won't get to her house for dinner until 8 PM.

I am upset. Listening to his mother on the phone made me even angrier - she is already trying to guilt trip him into staying longer. He has the whole next week off, so I'm worried it will work.

I don't know what to do. I may back out of going. I don't have access to a car when I am there and his parents live in the middle of nowhere.

Is it crazy to be making this much of a fuss over spending two days with people I don't like? I think it might be. I am just so angry that he won't agree to any compromise I suggest, like getting a hotel instead of staying with them. It's his way or the high way, and I feel like telling him to have a good time without me.

I don't think it's crazy for you to be upset. My husband did the same thing for like the first five/six years. He would make plans and then inform me. I had to sit and talk with him and let him know that we needed to plan these trips together. Granted my family lives 7 mins away and his 7 hours. It still mattered to me who we spend holidays with. I would have some empathy for him though bc we would see my family all the time throughout the year. And typically his on our summer trip. It's hard. Communication and understanding are the key. You must tell him how you feel. The more you talk things through the stronger your relationship will become. I wish you the best.

Oh wow. I wouldn't go. Actually, I'd be re-evaluating the entire relationship (!) but I'm also not in a relationship, so take that with a grain of salt.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. In fact, I think you're being super reasonable - you've suggested a few things that would make you more comfortable, and he's putting his family's happiness (I assume, unless he really wants to spend all this time with them himself?) over yours. That would be a bad sign for me...

I get not wanting to make a fuss or be too demanding, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to keep the trip short, or to stay in a hotel so that you have some space/privacy, or to take a little time for just the two of you to do something special. And, I think it's absolutely RIDICULOUS for him to "volunteer" you to cook a special dish for the family (that you don't even want to see!!!) that's going to require you to shop, transport cooking tools, and work. You're not his personal servant or chef!

So, again, I'm bad at relationships and not in one... but what I'd expect in a good relationship would be for you guys to discuss the issue, figure out a compromise that you can both live with, and then for him to follow through (i.e. not to go behind your back and make plans that negate your agreement - that is just so wrong!) It doesn't seem like he's willing/able to do any of that.

To be honest, I'd totally bail. I'm trying to get to a point of more honesty about my stuff, so I might tell him something like, "I thought you understood how much I didn't want to go on this trip, and I thought we'd come to an agreement about how we could organize things so that we'd both get a little of what we wanted, and neither of us are miserable. It sounds like you've committed me to things with your family that I'm not willing to do. I think it would be best if you go alone, enjoy spending time with your family, and I'll stay here and enjoy the holiday with my family."

But in reality, what I'm more likely to do is make up an excuse ("I feel like I'm getting sick, I don't think I want to risk 7 hours in the car... why don't you just go and have fun.")

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds crazy-making. Holidays seem to bring out all the crazy in families -- Good luck!

Yes, that's very much like our set up - his family is 8 hours away and mine is in the same town. I try to be empathetic about him wanting to see his family, but it's hard when he doesn't want to see them and just talks about it being his duty.

What I am having a problem with is that he will not compromise. He agrees to a compromise and then backs out. Last year, he promised we would stay in a hotel next time. By the time this year rolls around, that promise is forgotten.

Thank you for the confirmation that it's not just me being too demanding. I have been hoping my Thanksgiving cold would make a reappearance in time for this trip or that the weather forecast would be bad, but no such luck!

The cooking thing is just crazy. I would be just as happy cooking my own food, so I can be sure I won't get food poisoning again, but the dish he's told them 'we' are going to prepare is just unsuitable in so many ways.

There's no maliciousness or anything -- he's just sort of oblivious. In his mind, there's this thing I make that's really, really good, so he wants to show off my skills. Or something like that. I think.

I need to remember that he willingly drives my grandparents to and from my family's get togethers. If you add up all the hours of suffering, I suppose it evens out... but it's not like we spend *that* much time with my family.

6 years is a long time dating a guy are you guys just not into marriage ?
Dose his family say anything about that ?

I look at it this way he's your b/f not your husband so you get to say no .

I think it's fair to say that neither of us are into marriage, yes. I don't think his parents care. I'm in my mid-30s and he's in his mid-40s.

I tried to bring up how bothered I am with the situation. It didn't go that well. I did tell him that I'm not cooking that dish and suggested he think of something he can cook himself.

When you go to his parents house do they have lots of food or not enough is that why he wants to bring something ? Can you just bring maybe wine so that way you wont have to bring a bunch of stuff to cook at there house ?

They don't give us much food. His father is a terrible alcoholic. His speech is unintelligible by the time dinner rolls around. Unfortunately, he's the one who cooks.

I bring my own food to eat in private because two years ago I had violent food poisoning from food they gave me. We have tried cooking for them in the past, but it just gets weird. My family is pretty dysfunctional, but his makes mine look almost normal.

One of the things that makes me so uncomfortable about being there is that the father is allowed to control everything. He wants to drive even though he has been drinking whiskey in the garage all morning? Why not! Passing out in his dinner plate? Not polite to notice! No one challenges him and whatever his whim, the mother complies.

Um, anyway - so when we try to cook, it doesn't work out because it doesn't fit in with the father's plans. He needs to control everything. Whatever we make, he won't like. He thinks we are doing it because we don't like him cooking (I guess?). The mother will compare it unfavorably to what the father would have cooked, to make him feel better.

I need to not get so bothered by this. Just bring a book and ignore them. Or print out some topo maps and 'get lost' in the country side for six hours.

Your boyfriend is in his 40s, and can't have a conversation about you not visiting his family without getting angry? I'm sorry Hvert, I really don't mean to beat him up here, but it just sounds like he's really immature, and making it unnecessarily hard on you.

The way I'm imagining it is that you try to bring this up, and he gets mad. How do you guys even begin to explore a compromise like that?

I still say "don't go, let him be mad." Everything you're writing about his father and his family is reinforcing that, in my opinion! I mean, the holiday is for you TOO. If this were just an hour or two drive and one dinner, I could see sucking it up to keep the peace, but for that many hours in the car, and that many days... it just seems really unfair that he's not willing to work with you at all on this. I'm sorry

I don't suppose it's possible for you to get a hotel room, and tell him he's welcome to stay with you or at his parents, whatever he wants?

Oh, and good for you for telling him you won't be cooking!

Um, and I know you don't want to stir up more trouble - but if his father decides to go for a drive when drunk, can you call the police? That's really *really* scary, and he could end up killing someone so not worth the risk.

Sorry... holidays should be a time to relax and enjoy yourself, it really sucks that you have to deal with this every year, and that your boyfriend isn't willing to work out some sort of compromise.

I am surprised your b/f wants to even go see his parents if the dad acts like this ..
Sounds so unsafe and scary .
Is his dad violent when he is drunk ?

Drunk controlling people scare the shi* out of me

I can deal with happy drunks in a bar, but angry, pouty, secretive drunk is something else. He is not capable of violence at this point, too old, but he was violent before. My BF says he doesn't want to visit them but that he has to due to 'filial piety.' He only feels this towards his mother. If it were just his father left, he would cease contact.

Guilloche, you have a good point that it's kind of ridiculous we can't even talk about it. We haven't spoken at all since I brought this up at dinner. He gets obviously short-tempered with me when I bring up not wanting to go, but insists he is not angry. If I'm being fair, I don't tend to bring things up in a great way. I let resentments build up until they all come out at once and have the really obnoxious habit of connecting fights we had six months ago to whatever we're fighting about today.

The time I didn't go, he backed into my car and put a hole through my bumper. I didn't notice for a few weeks, and when I did, it took him a day to confess -- after I mentioned that I planned on asking a store to pull security footage. I don't think he did it on purpose, exactly, but I do think it was related. He gets really mad when I suggest this. I tend to come to the worse conclusion possible given the circumstances, so who knows.

No hotel room without BF - he's driving. I can't call the cops on the father because he drinks in secret and hides it very well. I can't tell if his weird behaviors are related to being drunk or being in withdrawal.

Oh geez, I'm sorry Hvert. I get that you may be contributing to the difficulties around conversations by letting things build up, but, yikes. When I hear you describe it, it just feels like he expects you to do things his way, without any compromises ever, or else he's going to throw some sort of fit.

re: Backing up into your car . That's nuts! I tend to think that if it wasn't related/on-purpose, he would have come clean immediately, because that's what normal adults in a relationship DO. You know, "Crap - I'm so sorry Hvert, I was trying to back out and couldn't see where I was going very well, and misjudged the distance and hit your car. The damage isn't too bad, but I'll take care of it... I'll call up the shop today and see when I we can get it in for repairs. *hugs*"

Not just letting it go, and only reluctantly confessing when you threaten to get security tapes (!!!). Wow.

You deserve better! Have you guys thought about couples counseling? I had a friend who who went, and her and her husband really got a lot out of it. They learned how to "argue" in a way that isn't attacking/hurtful, and how to have these hard discussions, and what things bug each other the most. Now, years later, she told me that they NEVER really argue - they sometimes disagree about things, and they sit down and discuss them and decide what to do, and that's it. It sounds kind of amazing (assuming you can find a good counselor, of course!)

Good luck...

Thank you for the support! It's kind of funny - we both grew up with pretty awful fathers, but our home lives were so different. My father blew all his money on toys and drugs for himself and it was a noisy, chaotic, messy household. BF's father was more controlling and regimented, appearances were everything. His parents did the silent treatment.

So my tendency is to loudly proclaim and he just withdraws. It's hard to find a middle ground!

And I didn't think he had backed into my car - I assumed someone had hit and run me in a parking lot or on the street and spent the day retracing my steps to see if I could find pieces of my car and figure out where it had happened. I couldn't believe it turned out to be him. Who does that and forgets to bring it up??? He's had people hit and run him and cause very serious damage, you'd think he would know what it felt like!

We talked about it again this morning. He understands now why I feel the way I do. I am not cooking for them. He says I don't have to go if I don't want to and that if I am going to be angry, I should stay home. I feel better about it, even if the situation hasn't really changed.

Time to make your own traditions and they do not have to be traditional

I agree with what brainhi says: time to make some new traditions for you and your beau.

good luck and good holidays

Jade

Thinking about you , I know your gone for a few days hope your doing ok ..

New to this. Sorry I didn't see sooner.
I'm a pretty assertive person. My husband's family is pretty bonkers. I realize that is likely why we dated and were engaged before I ever met them. Anyway, I met them 14 years ago around the holidays and we've been married 13 years this past September. We get together between Christmas and New Years. Hubby has 4 brothers (making him 1 of 5 boys). The first three of the five are from one Dad and the last two are from the father who pretty much raised all 5 boys. He's the one husband refers to as Dad. He has very little contact with bio father and I've never met him or hubs step mom. To the best of my knowledge he hasn't seen them at all in the 14+ years we have been together. Occasional emails only.

Anyway, my parents divorced when I was an adult but have always remained cordial and generally would still get together with us kids for the Christmas holidays putting aside their differences. In fact, after years of divorce and occasional dating, they moved back in together a few years back. My mother is extremely hospitable. My husband is retired military so when we lived states away and returned for the holiday for a few days, there was always clean sheets, plenty of sleeping space, tons of food, an impeccably clean house, etc. That's just the way she is. We could come in at 10 PM and she'd be like "I have a pot of chili on the stove and homeade chicken salad and homeade sour dough bread if you want a sandwich." Always plenty of cookies, cereal in the pantry. Would even call me a 4-7 days prior to our arrival and she would be at the grocery and say "what do your kids eat...I want to make sure I have foods your kids like..." That's just my mother. She's exceptional at hospitality and entertaining. I try to do the exact same thing because that is how I was raised and I want people to be comfortable when they come over.

I tell you the aforementioned so that you can be aware that my husband's family is the exact opposite.

Visiting my husbands family is chaos. If you want food, you bring it. Most of the family lives kind of like hoarders. Unnecessary clutter and garbage. Never ever enough sleeping space or food. During the times we visit, since, thankfully, it's really only a few days once a year, they try to pack in a years worth of "fun". The brothers stay up half the night or all night playing games and the women are left with the overtired, hungry, grumpy kids. Frequently there are arguments. There are cases of monster energy drinks etc because everyone wants to pretty much stay up for three days straight. Mother in law is a depressed, chemically imbalanced, medically fragile pot-stirring woman and the holidays really bring it out in her. "No one loves me..."; "I'm so sick..." All kinds of things. The first few years she mostly just told me how awesome her relationship was with my husband's ex wife and how she was a good daughter in law and I would never measure up...blah blah blah. (Really they are both drama queens and feed off each other...which is fine...let them...but don't involve me or my family. Eventually I told my husband I would not tolerate that type of behavior and if it happened again I would not join in on the family gatherings, although he would always be welcome to go. He had a heart to heart with his mother (which always involved tons of tears and irrational behaviors about how he must hate her so much...) but he stood his ground, saying if she continued WE would not be back...it eventually stopped all together.)

Me. I like quiet. I like a private bedroom to cover up and hide in. I get very, very overstimulated very quickly in this kind of setting. After the first year or two, I was so over this type of "fun". Actually, I was over it in the first five minutes of our first visit, but by the end of a visit or two like this, I realized I had to self protect. Sometimes I use the kids as an excuse to make sure I can have all the things we need. For years we have packed air mattresses, blankets, pillows, groceries and food. While we are there, I cook at least a couple meals. Crock pots are your friends. I take a box or two of cereal, snack foods and when we get there I will get milk, lunch meats, bread, etc. The worst part is not being able to go into a room and hide quietly as there is no private space. The kids sleep wherever they fall. There is dog hair everywhere. (Not a dog hater...we have 3 of them...) Generally though, everywhere you sit there is dog hair. The floors as well. These are mostly educated people so I can't understand this kind of atmosphere. I found if I can lower my inhibitions enough to try to relax and not be so uptight, it's not completely awful and I can try to enjoy myself a little bit even. The kids think it's a riot, especially now that they are a little older. It's kind of a bat-**** crazy type of weekend and though I spend every.single.year dreading the coming visit, once we get there, I chill a bit, (Thanks to a glass or three of wine especially), I just leave on my sweat suit, let the kids run rampant, make sure everyone is fed, and try to let the host know that if any way possible, if they can supply a room with a door I can hook up my air mattress, I will be eternally grateful...just so I can have a place to get away from it all. Sometimes it even works.

I have to really talk myself into going every year, but by making sure I have basic needs met for myself and my family...food, drink, sleeping space, comfortable clothing, etc. we can manage. Once a year though...for 2-3 days and not a minute more.

Another trick to avoid confrontation might be to volunteer to work those days! (Darn, it sucks I can't be there...I have to work.) This works wonderfully!!

Your man needs to be able to try to understand your position and attempt to accommodate your feelings and address your concerns. If he doesn't, you need to do so yourself. I'm not so much into the hiding my food kind of thing. I would bring in a disposable pan and a whole turkey and throw it up on the counter and start fixing it and make soup with the leftovers the next day. If father in law is an angry, abusive, alcoholic though...that complicates things. If he just gets his panties in a wad, then who cares. If he hits me, then I am never going back anyway...so another great reason to not visit. Ever.

Good luck.

Thinking about you too, Hvert! I hope you guys were able to find a way to make it a little less horrible for you this year! Happy Holidays !