any advice please! ughhh O.o

I must be getting on everyone's nerves by posting the same stuff lol but ANY advice I need, my mind is going crazy lately.

the ex bf (we broke up a week ago), he had said he "wasnt in love" anymore due to all our ******** we went thru [the multiple fights] BUT he still told me to keep the promise ring (I don't wear it) & that we could possibly get back together. just not now.

he said never deleted our pics, or the PS3 name he made for me (lol), I asked why & just responded with "idk"..

he has been seriously BURNED in the past with his ex gf, like she messed him up. they were together for 6yrs & she cheated on him multiple times & all they did was fight [he stayed cuz he thought he loved her]. being with me is the first time he actually fell in love.

i talked to his mom about it & she said when he gets scared about something, he pushes people away & runs. she said she knows he loves me but not sure why he's scared. he's done it before but I stayed cuz I love him. she asked me if he is worth fighting for, I said yeaa & she basically said to fight for him.

I'm wondering, is she right? or should I let it go?

I'm not sure if she's right or wrong, thing is it's a personal choice first of all. Keep in mind there are no guarantees that it will work out even if you fight for him and he may never get over his fear.

Here's the thing that gets me. I read your other post. Essentially even though he may not be looking for another to date, there has to be an underlying reason why he wanted to break up and essentially there is something about being committed that he cannot handle. Regardless of the reasons he is confused and completely 100% in the wrong here in asking you to remain committed to him, exclusive to him but only to a point. Relationships that expect exclusivity need to be both ways and even more importantly asking for excusivity without commitment is just, it jsut doesn't make any sense at all. It's like putting you on the shelf and saying he wants to keep you on a tether to call back at his own discretion. Even if he's not doing any playing around now it's a huge mistake on your part to enable this behavior and it opens a huge can of worms going forward. he will know that he can just put you on the proverbial shelf if he doesn't feel like being there for you becuase he'll know it's ok and you'll let him do so. I hope you can see where I'm going with this.

He needs to make a decision between having a committed relationship with you and be committed himself, or let you go 100% and break it off clean even if only for awhile. He's manipulating you. Even if it's his first time being in love, he's playing with your heart like it's a game

I know in your mind you think he's wonderful in other ways, you love him, etc but.. I will be bluntly honest - you can do better and be treated better than this. Letting this happen to you now is only a foreshadowing as to how a longer term relationship will be with him.

we have talked about moving in before, even marriage. when I was with him the weekend (before we broke up), he said about me moving in if I could. I made a joke about marriage & he laughed. my friend said he seems to be scared of this commitment when something like this happened before.

his ex gf, she was actually pregnant with his child (way before me) & she had an abortion which didn't help him. he said before he's scared I'm gonna do that.

I wanna talk to him in person about all this & just lay it out. he said he still loves me & all this stuff. said he doesn't want another woman or even to date. but I'm just not sure what's going on.

thank you for responding back. I appreciate your advice :

Hello sarahhxx03,

The heart rules over the head in love doesn't it. I feel your pain. We can't tell you what to do but this reads as a roller coaster ride. Are you prepared for that to continue? The other thing I have noticed is that you are looking at his needs and reasons for the way he is but what about your needs? It's all very well understanding his reactions but do you deserve to be treated badly because of how how was treated by his ex girlfriend? Another question for you to think about is this... would you still want to be with this guy in ten years time if the relationship continues in this way?

My suggestion is if and when you talk to him about all this, try to make him understand (if you're willing) that if he needs time to think, and a break it doesn't necessarily have to be a break up. I think that's where he seems to be confused. his Fear is understandable

it's so hard, I love him dearly but I'm getting to the point where I need to love or leave. he said not too long ago that losing me was a big fear cuz of how good I treated him was. & I'll tell him that. we actually took a break back in the beginning of November cuz of the fighting, that didn't last long cuz he said he missed me & loved me. maybe this is what we need? I feel like I need closure though

There are a lot of unknowns here (age, family, relationship history, career/educational aspirations, plans for children, etc), but overall, it sounds like you would like to wait, but you're no sure if you should. If that is the case, you may want to give it a reasonable time frame (whatever that is, but I'd suggest no more than 3 months) and if he hasn't decided that you and he are on the same page, commitment wise, then you'd have to make the difficult decision about breaking off from him. You did say that you had quite a few fights in the past; were they all about the same or similar things?

he's 23, has parents & step-parents, I did put about his ex (before me) on this post, he wants to go back to college for electronic things, he has a job, he def wants kids.

I did text him & say we needed to talk in person ASAP. I asked him if he even cares or misses me, he said yea. I asked if I'm even worth fighting for, he said "yea, that's why I still want you in my life"... thats it so far.

& yes we had fights about mostly my stuff. I would get mad at dumb things like him being friends with a girl even though I have guy friends. I trust him, just not other girls..

It's good that you said you want to talk and he sounds like he does care for you.

One thing I have to comment on and this as a person on the other end of jealousy at times in my life. The comment that you trust him but not other girls completely contradicts what you just said. If you trust him, then you know he wouldn't do anything with other girls no matter what. NO matter what the other girl is like. When you make it sound like it's all about the girls coming onto him it assumes he, as a guy has no sense of control and would not be able to resist. If you trust that he does, then it doesn't matter how hard the other girls try. Please give him credit for being able to be exclusive with you when you're back together.

I come from a long relationship where my now ex had the same mind set, in fact it was almost word for word. As a man it says to me that the woman that thinks this way deems me too weak to be trusted around women becuase clearly i have no ability to resist. in a nutshell you're not trusting him at all.

you're right. he would even say "I'm not cheating on you" & he even gave me a ring. said he never gave a ring to any girl before. my stupid head pretty much messed it up. his mom even said he wouldn't cheat on me. & when he was with his ex, she accused him & she was actually doing the cheating. so he thought at one point I was. (I never did)

I need to work on myself more, maybe this breakup was like a blessing. I just hope it works out for us. & thank you so much, you really put things in perspective for me!

Good thinking. I dunno if an entire break up is necessary but I think the time away could help you both. been on my own for the first time in my life for over 4 yrs now and I'm a different person and know myself much better. There is hope.

you know, he had any chance to leave when we had like a billion fights over the same stuff. & he didn't. he stayed, & dealt with my b.s. & he STILL wants to be in my life. I well kinda feel stupid now & how I treated him ... I hope I didn't ruin it..

Don't feel stupid. Just acknowledge that you have issues in this area and pay attention to it. focus on what you just said to me regularly and it will affect how you interact with him and how the relationship grows.

The irrational mind, IMO is driven but things like fears, insecurities and such based on things outside of what may be right in front of us. Many times we all tend to let those things drown out reality. It takes effort to fight those things. Otherwise this place would not exist at all.

I just hope it works out in the end. I'm gonna have to do that, just need to take it day by day I guess

Be careful, because "his stuff" can easily become "your stuff" if you're not careful....

Just a thought... Maybe you both need some Therapy , On your own, not as a couple at this point.. he has baggage and issues to work through and you do also.

I hope you take time to care for yourself, It's not all "about him"

I know. that's what I write in here lol honestly everyone's advice helps me. I don't think I've been thru stuff this hard before. but I'm gonna have to make this about me now...

I think it is a blessing for you. As has been noted above, the reading of your posts definitely gives the impression of a roller-coaster ride. Makes me think of the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz and all those people shouting in a mixture of fear and excitement.

It cannot be denied that roller-coaster rides do provide excitement and that with all that has been going on, at least you have not been bored out of your mind. It cannot be stated that your life is monotonous, routine, lackluster, and predictable to the point of yawning.

And it is fun to have such a life, especially as a young person.

But sometimes still waters with no storm are good for a change. The ocean is beautiful both at the time of storm and at the time of peace and quiet - the beauty is starkly different but it is there.

I think you have weathered enough storm and need to treat it as a blessing, relax, have fun, sleep in, not worry at all, get a trendy nail polish or a new handbag (not as being materialistic but as symbols of a beginning of a new life) and, most importantly, learn to say: "Whatever".

that's what I have to do. it's time make this about myself. it's just going to be hard -____-

I have tried various things along the lines of just making myself feel well cared for, well, myself, and the most cost effective "treat" I have discovered is foot massage (also called reflexology). I do not know if you have such small spas in your area - where I live there are a lot of Chinese immigrants and they run these places where the massage therapists do not speak basic English (and do not need to) and just the receptionist is American. It is far cheaper than body massage, especially if you buy a package, extremely soothing and relaxing, pampering in a simple way, and just altogether a perfect little treat for yourself. And maybe your thoughts which are on a merry go around would slow down a bit simply because of that experience. Or, slow down a lot and not a bit - I would not be surprised to hear that.

I def need a me day! maybe I'll do that! I'm doing stuff with my mom & brother this weekend, that will help. just need all these activities to keep me busy

thank you I def could use the hugs right now

Any kind of an activity that involves hand-brain coordination and requires focus would ground you as well, and release the hold these anxieties have on you.

Anything, really - coloring (Michaels stores sell, for a couple bucks each, fantastic coloring books with ornate and intricate details - if you fancy any one of them, you will have enough to do for the next quarter), crocheting, playing piano - anything.