[stargazer1124]

I have been dating someone for 8 months. Tuesday night we happened to be invited to the same concert. I was upset he was going because he said he was accompanying his friend who wanted him to go because he had a date that was also bringing a friend. I freaked out initially, but he told me to "chill out, that it was not that type of thing". We arrived at the concert separately, and did not bumped into each other the whole night. We failed at texting at one point I was so drunk I text him that I did not think we were compatible and that I was done communicating with him. I also showed up at his building and buzzed his apartment for 10 minutes to no response. so all day New Year's Eve I messaged and text and since then, I am continuing to do so with no response. He is getting the messages as they are marked as read and he is signing in out of FB or google chat. I call him and no answer.

I apologized for the texts, I was obviously drunk. I don't know what else to do. This hurts so much to be ignored on NYE of all days. I stayed home miserable. I don't know what to do, he has never ignored me like this. I keep making up excuses like he is busy with his business, but it's a holiday. He's not at work and it takes two seconds to reply to a text or message. I can't stop sending him messages, though I know it would probably be best to stop.

I'm so utterly sad and miserable, I haven't eaten and have been in bed all day.

[hvert]

That sucks, I'd be pretty upset at being ignored on NYE too. I got stood up by a boyfriend on Valentine's Day once -- he dumped me over the phone while he was at a bar with friends. So embarrassing.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

(((((stargazer1124)))))

I can't stop sending him messages, though I know it would probably be best to stop.

I agree that it would be best to stop.

[Yoda]

Why do you feel that you and he are incompatible? How long have you felt this? Was it just something you said in anger because he was with another friend? Is it a gut feeling that you think is right and maybe you want to end it yet are afraid to be alone?

I really don't know what to say without more information about the relationship prior to the concert.

I stayed up late last night too and I am exhausted and have not done my usual evening posts to my friends here. That is different but maybe he is really tired too. Or perhaps he is confused because of your conflicting texts. I don't know.

I wish you the best.

[JoeS21]

If you've taken responsibility for your message, apologized, and sent a few more messages to show interest and change the tone, I can't see much more that you can do. A mutual friend can sometimes be helpful if you have one. Other than that, I agree with a previous reply on here, that it would be easier to brainstorm additional options if there was more information.

[stargazer1124]

He started his own business in August and has really dedicated alot of time to it. Since then he hasn't really spent much time with me. Now the business is looking bad, his parents are not supporting him with it and he doesn't have any other means to keep it running. So I know there's alot on his plate.

I would think I'm someone he would like to talk to about it, instead he is retreating. I also contacted his best friend who told me he had not heard of him either. So I tried calling his job, and it went to voicemail I did not bother leaving a message.

This morning as I got home i saw a number I did not recognize call me and I returned the call. It was him! He said he was returning the missed calls on his phone. Obviously he did not realize it was my number calling his job. He quickly said there's alot going on, and that he would call me back later, this was at 9am. It is passed midnight and he hasn't called. He did send me a video of a cat on facebook messenger this afternoon.

I'm hurting so very much from this. My friend says well he is going through a hard time right now. But I feel sad as well, I feel unloved and like I'm not worth talking to. I really don't know amI putting all this on myself? I just feel as much in turmoil as he does.

Is it wrong that I feel this way?

Originally Posted by Yoda

Why do you feel that you and he are incompatible? How long have you felt this? Was it just something you said in anger because he was with another friend? Is it a gut feeling that you think is right and maybe you want to end it yet are afraid to be alone?

I really don't know what to say without more information about the relationship prior to the concert.

I stayed up late last night too and I am exhausted and have not done my usual evening posts to my friends here. That is different but maybe he is really tired too. Or perhaps he is confused because of your conflicting texts. I don't know.

I wish you the best.

[stargazer1124]

I stopped the constant messaging as I wasn't getting anywhere with it.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

(((((stargazer1124)))))

I agree that it would be best to stop.

[stargazer1124]

That is rough as well. But in this situation he hasn't said it's over. In a way that would probably feel better than being clueless.

Originally Posted by hvert

That sucks, I'd be pretty upset at being ignored on NYE too. I got stood up by a boyfriend on Valentine's Day once -- he dumped me over the phone while he was at a bar with friends. So embarrassing.

[stargazer1124]

The issue with the relationship is I feel like I am putting up with alot, since he is trying to start up this business he became very busy, but I'm proud of him so I remained supportive. But now the business he says is dead...and I'm now in a dark area and being shut out.

I think he is an awesome person but i'm just more depressed these days, I don't know if it correlates with him or the fact I work nights, but this whole situation really increased my depression.

Originally Posted by JoeS21

If you've taken responsibility for your message, apologized, and sent a few more messages to show interest and change the tone, I can't see much more that you can do. A mutual friend can sometimes be helpful if you have one. Other than that, I agree with a previous reply on here, that it would be easier to brainstorm additional options if there was more information.

[divine1966]

I once really liked someone (really intense like falling for him) who just disappeared and never provided any closure, I kindly wrote to him that i understand if he wants to stop but would appreciate some closure so I can move on, he still never said a word. My therapist told me that this is nothing to do with me and just shows that this is person is emotionally unhealthy as they cannot face the reality and be direct with a woman. then she said if that is how he deals with such simple thing like telling someone they aren't interested imagine how he deals with true hardships? be glad it ended now. So I think the way this dude handled the situation speaks volume about HIM not YOU and you are better off. Hugs and best wishes

[stargazer1124]

Thanks for your reply.

It really rattles my brain, you think you know someone and you think they would never be capable of this and they prove your wrong. I want to think he is not a scumbag. He actually sent me a cat video...that was his response on friday, a cat drinking champagne. No other words or reply to anything I said.
Which leads me to believe he still wants to maintain some contact.

it's driving me mad. I think I NEED to see a therapist or else I'll never be able to resolve this. His friend suggested I go to his apt, he hadn't responded to his best friend either, but he told me he finally heard from him friday night. I asked whether he could encourage him to respond to me. Thats my last attempt, there is really nothing else to do.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I once really liked someone (really intense like falling for him) who just disappeared and never provided any closure, I kindly wrote to him that i understand if he wants to stop but would appreciate some closure so I can move on, he still never said a word. My therapist told me that this is nothing to do with me and just shows that this is person is emotionally unhealthy as they cannot face the reality and be direct with a woman. then she said if that is how he deals with such simple thing like telling someone they aren't interested imagine how he deals with true hardships? be glad it ended now. So I think the way this dude handled the situation speaks volume about HIM not YOU and you are better off. Hugs and best wishes

[divine1966]

So have you heard from him?

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[stargazer1124]

I got desperate and I called his job, he picked up since he didn't recognize the number. He hurriedly said there's so much going on, and I asked why he can't just reply to me takes 5 seconds, and he said "I don't know", he said "I'll call you later, it wont be tonight, but tomorrow night". he said "right now im writing a to-do list of all this stuff I need to get done". I just said "okay goodbye". I wanted to say more, but I didn't know how.

So did he call me tonight? nope no call yet.

I spoke to his best friend who told me he would encourage him to message me, he told me he has been really weird, and quiet and just with his "head down" focusing on his business.

I feel incredibly hurt still because he can't take the time to talk to me. I would understand if this is someone I went on a few dates...but we've been together since April, and he calls often we talk often. I just want some closure. I don't know but this is driving me insane. He's not usually a withdrawn person.

Ahhh I just can't let go. There is no resolution for me.

Originally Posted by divine1966

So have you heard from him?

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[stargazer1124]

I'm trying to keep myself busy by working out and planning activities. But the weather sucks now, its freezing cold so I cant spend too much time outdoors, I end up coming home and laying in bed with him on the brain. My friends are mainly married with kids or don't go out much. I know I need to find new people to spend time with or join a group. I know all the things to do, I can give everyone else advice but I don't always take my own advice.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. At this point I would take charge and tell him in written or on the phone that you are done . That would give u a sense of power over the situation. If he would want to figure this out and explain good but if not at least u the one making a decision . It's been long enough and if he is unwilling to explain he is not right for u. Look up groups on meetup and join them, I am struggling with the same situation as you and I understand that sometimes people withdraw but this situation is bad news. Hugs to u

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[avlady]

yes it does sound like he is in a hopeless situation with his business, probably feels like a failure and doesnt want to talk right now. you should give up on the calling part until he reaches out to you again, if not i think it probably may help to still let him know you are there for him, in a note, and see where it will go from there.

[divine1966]

I'll be honest that sounds like he wants to be out of relationship but doesn't know how to do it. They have been long enough together for him not to vanish for days like this. Unacceptable. I am very prone to stay in bad situations but even I would get out as this is going no where. If he does things like that he isn't a good partner

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[hvert]

Sorry, that sucks. There's really nothing that makes it easier. You know what you have to do (let go), but it's not pleasant.

Originally Posted by stargazer1124

I know I need to find new people to spend time with or join a group. I know all the things to do, I can give everyone else advice but I don't always take my own advice.

Boy did you nail that one !
I can relate to that !

[divine1966]

My t said that if I let anxiety of him calling not calling writing not writing linger it would turn into depression, so it is wiser to leave, be upset for some time and move on then remain anxious over his home calls. Few days yes maybe but that long? Too much anxiety to handle

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[stargazer1124]

Yes i'm struggling between me making another move to call or just stopping everything and being silent. In my heart its over. But since this is Sooooo very out of character for him I found it strange. He is an expressive person, who talks to no ends, is decisive and really has no problem saying what he feels.

I think I will let things be this weekend. Finally Monday I will have to call and just end things if I don't hear from him. It's been too long.

There were so any things going through my head, like maybe I should send him a care basket or a gift. Maybe he is really swamped and stressed. But he can take out time to post things on facebook or email someone else then he can take that time to call me if he cared?!

sigh.

Originally Posted by divine1966

My t said that if I let anxiety of him calling not calling writing not writing linger it would turn into depression, so it is wiser to leave, be upset for some time and move on then remain anxious over his home calls. Few days yes maybe but that long? Too much anxiety to handle

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[stargazer1124]

I really don't want to see anyone. I have a gift exchange tomorrow which I have to go to, hopefully no one asks about him. Right now I'm just preferring either going to the gym or staying at home watching movies.

Hanging out with other people usually triggers memories of him somehow.

[divine1966]

I am sorry stargazzer. Do not send gifts and packages. No need. if he shares that he is stressed then yes otherwise don't. Now perhaps send him email stating that you need an explanation of his behavior ASAP(be polite), if he follows up with explanation nice, if not...Follow up with a letter that you are done (again be polite). Do nto call. If he asks why are you breaking up via a letter remind him that he never calls and never replies so that is the only way for you to end it. Good luck and hugs to you. Trust been there done that

[stargazer1124]

you are probably right. I will do that by tonight, I just dont want to let go.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by stargazer1124

you are probably right. I will do that by tonight, I just dont want to let go.

I understand. I just know that I have been through the same and I know how it feels.

I am also not saying you need to break up today. I am saying tell him directly he must give you specific answer why and when he is willing to communicate or you will be done. If he doesn't come forward right away then be done.

Now if after you are done, he is trying to fix something then listen to him. He might have his r4easons but if he doesn't communicate them, then it is a major red flag.

I just know that I'd rather go through a break up and be upset than anxiety like you have now.

Also I talked to my T what are appropriate expectations and she said replying, responding and reguarly communicating (daily or maybe occasionally skipping a day) are normal expectations. Withdrawing, not responding, not regularly communicating is not appropriate in a relationship, it is unhealthy. Now even if the person is just this way and really mean no harm, still it is very unhealthy way of handling relationships and is passive-aggressive. Again give him a chance by asking directly, and then be done. Cry for few days and then move on.

I ended this nonsense last Sunday and am better today. I am still sad but not anxious and don't have this empty pit in my stomach, I am out and about. You can go about your life upset and sad but not anxious and panicking, life is too short.