[bancha22]

OK guys. This is a long story. If you don't feel like it, I understand ;-)
If you answer, please try to give me a detailed answer if you can. I know it is not easy to have an opinion on other people's story.

OK so I met a guy 6 months ago over the net. Since we were getting along well, we decided to meet. We hit it of right away.
But I must say I found it strange. THe first day he said we could on vacation together. Waow, slow down! He seemed like a kid at Chrismas. But when I talked serious, I could feel him getting distant. Strange contradiction. Well, after one week he seemed very ill at ease and he said he didn't know anymore, that he was very afraid to suffer.
So I said we should call it off but he didn't want to. OK one week later he acts weird again. I am puzzled. I tell him I love him by sms. No answer. He says he hadn't checked his phone in the morning, and that he loves me too (sounds very sincere). He tells me again in an e-mail. He comes to visit me because I hadn't moved yet to his city (300 miles) but it was planned.
Honestly I expected him to cancle everything but he did come. But all the time he acted distant, joked about staying in the guest room.... When he's back home again he acts weird and wants to call it off. Again he changes his mind, telling me he needs time.
I go to see him a week later, he has obviously decided that he should give it a try, not long. This time he says "I don't want to take advantage of you, I believe I don't love you enough, but I do have feelings for you". I can see he has but well, yes, that's not enough for me. So finally I see no choice and I end this.
Of course, since so much is unclear, I can't closure. Could you? Well, no I guess.

After the break we stay in touch but he is very moody. He seems to feel really guilty about this. So I suppose that's why he stayed in touch but then the contact stops after a an argument. He blocks me on MSN. Nice!
So I decide to do a thing I wouldn't do normally. I get in touch with him under a false identity (female). He is a bit naïve so he believes, at least at first, in this character.
And the FIRST thing he tells this girl is : "I wronged a nice person. I was crazy about someone else. At first everything went well with my girlfriend (me), but then I started thinking of the other one again and the worst is that I haven't even met this other girl. Call me a loser!". Imagine the surprise!
But somehow I had the feeling that wasn't the real reason for the breakup but another symptom of the real reason. Honestly, who would go crazy like this for someone you never met? For me this guy wasn't capable of living in real life.
He said he wanted to move on. Find the woman of his dreams. That I was too old, too difficult, etc etc... That it couldn't work out etc...
But the discussion with my character moved him to unblock me on MSN.
I decided to call him as myself. He said he expected my call. After 4 months???
We had a very pleasant conversation over 3 hours. He did sound like someone who cares about me so I was getting more and more confused.
I said we should meet, he was reluctant but accepted when I said I just neeeded this to move on at last.
I could see that he was struggling, not knowing how to tell me about this other girl, not knowing I knew already.
He didn't manage to do so and literally fled. Great!
He told my character he had tried and I had the feeling he wanted validation, he wanted to hear he was not a jerk and mummy still loved him.
This was leading nowhere. So I decided to find out the rest by identifying with him.
My character told him she just broke up with a guy she didn't really love etc... But when she told him the failure was all her fault he answered "Same here!" then paused and said "What did I just say?? How odd! Very, very interesting".
When she asked him to tell her without thinking what he felt for me, he said "Affection, tenderness" and he paused again. He added : "Man, you are good at bringing things out".
When had very fun conversations for a month then I decided to tell him it was me talking to him. He was puzzled but not angry. He told me he didn"t understand why I had done it. He wanted to stay in touch.
We met. It was like the first time we met. He was considerate, interested, told me he was always checking out what I did on my webpage etc... I was a bit suspicious. I told him I had a new boyfriend, but he didn"t seem to register that. I must say that my relationship was a bit shaky, long distance, difference in temper etc...
Basically he flirted with me. But when it went too far I asked him what he wanted. No answer. The next day he apologized and said I had been so right to put some limits and that he was grateful. After that I could feel he wanted to end the contact but he asked all the time where I was, what I was doing. He said, he was alone, he hadn't met other girls, that he wasn't flirting with anybody (I didn't ask him!). He defended me when someone criticized me. He was actually sweet and caring!

I met him again one week later. Same story. Even though he told me, he would behave, that he "got the message". He really seemed to believe it but again I had to put some limits in the end. Again he was pissed off. When I told him to stop toying with me, he seemed surprised and said "I would never do such a thing. I am not toying with you".
When I said that his actions were probably only sexually motivated, he said "Yes, that must be it. It is the only explanation" After that he wanted to stop the contact. He said he was afraid he would act like this again, that I should move on and he wanted to move on too. I don't understand why HE has to move on. He said he wasn't in touch anymore with this other girl or any of his exes (two girls), that he wasn't a jerk. I could feel that a part of him wanted to stay in touch. I agreed to end the contact since this is going nowhere.
Still with me? Thanks
Voilà. All my friends are puzzled, they say he is very contradictory, that it doesn't add up. He doesn't behave like someone who wants to be with me, but they say it is obvious that he has deep feelings for me. Even people who don't like him think so. They think he just can't handle the situation.
He said once to my character, he was masochistic, destroyed every nice thing in his life and didn't deserve to be happy. I don't know if that's the reason or if I just was the wrong person. You can imagine how difficult it is to "move on" when you have the feeling it could have worked out, that is was just too early for him.
Maybe you think I am foolish, too understanding. I wonder of course.
One last thing: he had deleted my character from MSN when he knew it was me (makes sense to delete fake people lol). I just noticed he has added her to his list again, while he has deleted me but not blocked this time. Why on earth would you add a fake character to your MSN list, someone who's never online! Was he spying on me to see if I get in touch with someone else with that identity ? Why? Once he asked why I hided my ID on the phone. If I was up to something. When I joked with him that I had beeen flirting with a guy to let me in the building, he said "Doesn't surprise me!". Basically he was thinking I was toying with HIM!
But why keep the character in his list now? That's a funny one! He hasnt deleted my fake character's e-mail either even though this girl doesn't exist!!!! Yeah she's fake but she had all my personality and he got along with her really well!!! Lol. Life is stupid.

Well, this has a kind of funny side to it. I was devastated but somehow now I am just dealing with a jigsaw puzzle.

[sabby]

Well now.....quite a roller coaster ride you have both been on.

One of the things that has always amazed me about human behavior is how we choose to ignore some very obvious problems in a relationship. The old addage that "love is blind" is so very true.

Maybe I see things too black and white here, but from what I have read, he has shown from the start that either he does not feel the connection with you he was hoping would be there, he has some major issues with commitment or he has some emotional difficulties that he is grappling with. His waffling back and forth is a sign of some kind of problem.

I'm willing to bet that if you were to continue a relationship with this man, you would have nothing but heartache along the way. Up one minute, down the next. The fact that you would have to sneak to get information from him shows that you don't trust him and what he is saying. It also shows that deep down inside you are questioning the whole validity of this relationship.

My thought would be that you should cut the ties and move on. I have a feeling that if you were to listen to your gut, it would tell you the same thing. Your gut instinct won't lie to you, but your heart and sometimes your head will. Ask yourself if you are up for a relationship of ups and downs, sneaking and not knowing where you stand. To me, that is no way to exist and the relationship would be doomed.

I'm sorry if this isn't quite what you wanted to hear. I wish you well and hope you make the right decision, whatever it may be

J

[bancha22]

No, no you make a lot of sense. Indeed I don't trust him.
I don't know if that helps to understand but:

- he has lost a dear person and he thinks he is responsible for his death because he was mean and he thinks that caused the disease. Silly in my opinion. Not that fast!
-he had no real relationship in the past years or ever actually.
-he says he misses the time when he had no care in this world
-he said once he thought he was ready but he isn't, the next minute he says he doesn't love me enough.
-when my character (see first post) said : "ok you didn't love her" he answered "I never said that!"
"But if I did love her enough I wouldn't doubt". He doesn't even KNOW.
-I always had the feeling he wanted a girl who treats him badly, because he feels so much guilt and he wants to be punished.
-he said he never opened up like he did with me, not even to his family. It sounded like "you were important. I am not a jerk. I didn't take advantage!"

So yes, he wanted it very badly to be possible between us but it just wasn't good enough. Or he's just not ready.
Do you think guilt alone can explain the fact that he has trouble getting over it?

Yes, as it is, no real relationship is possible. In the last year he has started coming out of his shell and now he feels the need to find someone. That seems to be new. But of course it is only the first step.

I just wonder if even if he gets a grasp on his life, if I would be the right person.
He says he wants an intelligent woman, strong... but he always felt bad when I knew something he didn't.

Voilà I don't know what to do next. Keep an eye on him from a safe distance to see how things go? What behavior on my side would make sense here? Maybe I am blind, maybe I am clinging on too little. But even my friends say he is very weird and they can't explain this.

[Wants2Fly]

IMHO, it's a bad sign that you had to adopt a second persona to find out what you wanted to know. I would be troubled by own duplicity in this matter. I am not saying that YOU should be. I am only saying that that would be so uncomfortable for me that I would not be able to continue in a situation where I had not been able to be true self 100 percent of the time.

Best wishes for finding out your inner truth and pursuing it.

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Pych Central. I am very sorry that you are suffering from this loss at this time. Frankly I feel that you did the right thing and stopped the relationship, before you got intertwined into all of the things your friend obviously needs help with from a professional. I hope you feel like you can move on soon, and find someone that is more reasonable and rational than the last person. Dont take you own needs for granted for someone that needs help themselves. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

[sabby]

bancha dear......*sigh*

I believe that for whatever reason, this man has some deep seeded issues that he needs to work on. It sounds like he might be in the process of that, but has not gotten to a point where he is comfortable with his thoughts, his feelings and his actions.

Should you wait for him?? That is only an answer that you can come up with yourself. But, like Wants, I have a problem with the fact that you had to take on another personality in order to get information out of him that you could not get as yourself. That to me is NOT a sign of a healthy relationship.

If you pushed him into a relationship, there could be all kinds of problems that could arise if he is not yet ready for such a thing. There would be lots of anger and frustration and who would end up taking the brunt of all that????

My advice, for what it's worth is to let him be. Let him work on himself and you should continue with your life. If, when he feels he's ready for a meaningful relationship and comes looking for you and you are available...then it was meant to be. Otherwise, you will continually be on this roller coaster of which you will tire of quickly.

I wish you well dear!

Hugssss
J

i echo the above post. xoxoxo pat

[bancha22]

Thanks very much for your help! I tend to agree.
Yes it is strange that I have to play another character. I feel like a shrink or something.
I just found out that the person he was so crazy about contacted him again (it seems that she believed in his let's be friends talk and he probably believed it too). That explains why he went distant again with me. He felt confused and bad for me. Great!
This time he met her (between our two recent meetings, which explains a lot, sigh). She had to put things straight from what I gathered and put an end to the contact with him once and for all (according to him but it makes sense coming from HER).
Right now things are dead between us I think. Yes, maybe if it's meant to be....
Thank you very much ;-)

[greenpunkergirl]

God aren't you lucky that ended. That's commitment issues with a bit of psychosis............. meet new people, and try your hardest to meet sane ones......... I know that's hard on the net, but we do our best right? Lol. Take care hun........ (((((((((((((((huggles)))))))))))))))