Desperately seeking advice on leaving

Quickly:

Married 26 years to one woman. Over that time constant belittling, control, extreme jealousy, which became worse. "Kitchen sinking" became evident. Always brought up same 2-3 incidents where I did not introduce her to a couple of people and an incident where I said hello to a pretty neighbor (that's all that happened!).

We have two grown kids, one 14-year-old son. She is from the Philippines.

In last seven years, had to change channel all the time because female newsreader, female in ad, etc. Accusations of looking at girls all the time when walking outside (not aware of it). Always needed to hold her had 24/7 or else the "silent treatment." She would get angry at me claiming women were looking at me. Never could go to the beach or walk past cafes since pretty women might be sitting there.

She is totally obsessed with boobs and cleavage and even insisted her cousin remove a picture from his FB page of a girl with a bikini, which is the point at which I said enough is enough and told her to leave.

Cannot touch on tender topics our of fear. I cannot respond without risking a big blow-up. Arguments very volatile and end in her tear and/or tantrums. One time spat in my face, picked up a knife. Calls me loser and very critical. Tantrums involve kicking and breaking things, crying, screeching, crazy look in the eyes liking an 8-year-old child. Seriously!!!

In a few words: tiring, draining and high maintenance marriage. Have not had any male friends during most of my marriage.

I couldn't take it any more last year in October (please, no judgment on me). I asked her to leave indefinitely or I would go insane. I met a girl (after that) for friendship. She is the opposite of my wife in almost everything: gentle, not jealous, kind. I am not asking for opinions on this *please*. She is a Christian, as am I. We do not have sex, although we kiss and hug a bit. I feel very guilty about this, but please withhold your judgement since I feel bad about this.

I also had panic disorder/agoraphobia by coincidence for the last 25 years. Since she left, have reduced medication and anxiety dissipated. I stopped taking Xanax and reduced my other medication. I feel I could go off them entirely within 6 months. I sleep well and feel liberated.

I spoke with her today. She is still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Now I am a cheater (I actually told her I was going to meet this girl, believe it or not, for honesty). I am to blame for her poor spirituality over the years and apparently she was not irrationally jealous and has no disorders of any kind, she believes. I am to blame for making her miserable and her not getting a job, etc. etc. I could go on.

Am I really losing the plot here, or am I really better of out of this marriage? I feel so guilty for even talking to someone else while still married, and yet feel a strange sense of peace about it all. She is still giving me the silent treatment and tells all her friends about me under the guise of "prayer requests", but in reality just a chance to spill the beans about my infidelity.

I don't want tit-for-tat. I just want to move on. I feel so confused about everything that I sometimes don't know who to turn to for advice. My wife sneakily asked a pastor to talk to me, even though she said he was the last person on earth she would talk to since he abandoned his wife for two years, joined a cult and told his wife he wished she was dead.

Worse, now is she is very sanctimonious and seems to be sitting at the right hand of God and said that I would be judged, following Satan, she is totally forgiven, I would not have a good life, and would have no peace and be judged by God etc. All the way she is still aggressive, angry, belligerent, sarcastic, critical, harsh, etc. etc.

Sigh. What to do? Am I still in touch with reality or what? Any advice (except judgment, please) welcome.

I should say that I have a bit of a dependent personality disorder and have the people-pleaser type of personality, but I'm probably out of touch with the reality of this situation and been in denial for many years. I have never been physically or verbally abusive to my wife, btw.

In your shoes I would never return to the wife.


The calculation seems simple enough to me....


Life with wife equals abuse and misery, life without wife equals happiness.


In my book, you made the right decision in leaving, I would never advise someone to stay with their abuser.

I normally don't like to give advice like this, and I'm not a therapist, but yeah I think you need a divorce. Your wife sounds smothering, codependent, and abusive. I feel like I get where you're at a bit because my mother is crazy, and I've also witnessed similar in the past.

I would think of your kids and the example you are setting, you'll want them to stand up for themselves in a similar situation. There's nothing wrong with having friends or talking to a neighbor... I think deep down you know what you should do, it's just scary and difficult. Sorry you're going through all this!

I would find an attorney and start the paper work. You deserve happiness and you will not find it in your wife. Life is much too short to stay with someone who abuses you.

Welcome to PC

There's your bottom line, right there. Sounds like you two just make each other miserable. Too bad about the 14 year old child though. But witnessing this can't be too pleasant for him either.

You were able to get her to leave. If she is set up in some alternative living situation, maybe you both are where you belong . . . . apart.

Trying to apportion blame and find who is at fault is kind of beside the point. Doesn't really matter. You probably need to leave each other be.

Yeah, all that matters is that you want out and you feel better when you are not with your wife. You don't need to justify it.

So if you have come to realize that you are much better off without her, why haven't you filed for divorce already?

I was in a bad marriage for 33 years.....it was bad from the beginning but I thought the problem was me....because I fought with my parents & then fought with my H.......but when I finally LEFT him 7 years ago, this whole feeling of peace came over my life.....& I didn't fight with other people who I disagreed with......It's taken 7 years but I have finally sorted out why his behavior was what it had been all those years. It reality, the WHY didn't matter other than to help get rid of the anger that had built up toward him to the point of almost feeling rage any time I had to deal with him....I was seeing red by the time I left him.

I actually moved 2100 miles away & bought my farm I had always wanted....the best thing I ever did.....the next best thing is getting the divorce.....we had an IRS issue that had to be resolved before the divorce could happen but I was still free from him mostly & he never communicated in the marriage so it never communicated after I left either.

Realizing that the problem wasn't me & the feeling of freedom & peace that I had when I was away from him.....just all went to my understanding that the marriage was toxic & that I was never able to deal with him as I looked back, I realized that I had ignored the red flags....well, I didn't really ignore them....I excused them away while listening to my mother tell me that he was really a nice guy (which is true)....but all the other crap surrounding the nice guy was what destroyed the marriage.....& I now understand what created the surrounding behavior.....it didn't make the behavior any more tolerable & leaving was the ONLY SOLUTION to my own sanity.

I don't like laying blame as the things that happened were my choice & my reaction.....but I felt trapped in the marriage after I lost my career & ended up having many suicide attempts.....all thought it was the loss of career, not being trapped in the bad marriage....it wasn't until I could look back at what was going on that I finally understood the reality of the situation.....AFTER I GOT OUT.

You are out.....you know what normal feels like now & you know that your wife's behavior is NOT NORMAL.....I would just file for a divorce....yes, it may mean selling the house & a nasty settlement arguments because she may be angry at you for leaving her. Keep it as nice as possible for your 14 year old son.....as you want to be an example of the behavior you want him to learn from all of this.

Sounds to me like it's time to file for the divorce & get this whole mess over with & like you said.....get on with your life.

I would definitely keep the other relationship at a distance during the divorce & since you are both Christians, you know what behavior is acceptable......that was what I felt also.....but I have chosen NOT to get involved with anyone.....not sure I ever will at this point unless the right person does come along & hits me over the head to let me know they are the right person...because after 33 years of having a horrible relationship even though now I realize it wasn't me who was causing it.....it still left me very shy of ever getting involved with anyone EVER again...but who knows what God has planned in the future.

File for divorce and move on. No way u should go back to her she sounds like bad news. Who is 14 year old is going to live with?

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I too think you don't need to justify yourself.

26 years with a miserable, high maintenance woman who just causes you pain. Sounds like walking on eggshells...

Move on, and have the kind of life you enjoy. You deserve happiness.

The kind of BS, controlling behaviours are just dodgy. She is an adult, responsible for her OWN happiness, and her own life.

She can choose to blame you for everything that is wrong in her life, there may even be some truth to it, and she may believe it is your fault, or she can move on and accept the parting.

You aren't responsible for her happiness. Only SHE can manage her own life.

Good question. Your son would be much better off with you.

I'm a Christian too who had a divorce after 20some years.

I think Eskierlover hit the nail on the head with everything said!!

I have to disagree a little bit, because I do have to justify it in my own mind. I think that people divorce far too easily, but when you just can't take something anymore and you are being emotionally abused, you have to say enough is enough. If not for that, I would still be with her because I have strong feelings for her. But that is the problem of the codependent, and I do have those codependency issues. I have to say no, and stick to it, and as sad as it is, what can I do.

I appreciate your response. I am blessed that I have no assets, and I am happy for our son to remain in the Philippines to continue his schooling under the care of his older brother and grandmother. He still gets plenty of love and affection from both of us and did so all of his life, so he should be OK.

My wife has BPD, is sick, and just needs to stop denying it and to get medical help. I don't have major issues anymore with her and I have learned to forgive and move one. I know she doesn't plan to do damage because I can see the pain in her face when she sees the havoc she wreaks. But still she wreaks it.

She will get over it. My life is complicated at the moment with another person, but I cannot change that. I don't have the gift of singleness, so I have to go against the advice of many, sorry to say. But I am on guard for red flags and determined not to make the same mistake again. Yes, it will not be normal until a divorce is finalized, and it's possible that since I live in Malaysia I can an annulment, which will recognize that the marriage is actually void or a non-starter, in layperson's terms!

He will stay in the Philippines until he finishes his schooling, most likely, with his grandmother and 26-year-old brother.

I would prefer for him to be with me, and I don't have the means to provide schooling for him due to where I live and the local schools are crap. So it will be better for him to be in the Philippines where he has an extensive social network to help care for him. He would be more lonely here in Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur). I am an Australian/British expat, btw.

Thank you so much. As someone with a claim to BPD, you obviously know whereof you speak! And your advice is greatly appreciated. I agree with you 100% She must own her own issues, and what we sow we reap, unfortunately.