[rmm5497]

I've never posted anything like this before but I could really use some outside perspective at this point. I'm 23 and I've been with the same man since I was 17. We have a son together (I got pregnant six months into our relationship) and for our son's sake, (and for my own pride too I must admit) I have tried to make our relationship work. My husband however,(we are married now) while I want to believe he is a good person at heart has repeatedly done things to hurt me (not physically but emotionally) For example, he has spit in my face (in public no less), called me very, very hateful names (sometimes in fromt of our son) In addition he is intensely jealous. He seldom wants to go out but gets angry when I say I am going out without him. He constantly thinks I am having an affair because some of my closest friends are male and he has even gone so far as to threaten them by phone or e-mail "to stay away from his @&*!$%# wife" (This got so bad with one friend that he was concerned that he was causing so much friction in my marriage that it would be better if we did not speak anymore.) I find the whole thing ridiculous. I've never cheated and have repeatedly told him I see no point in cheating because sex is not our "issue" Anyway, things have degenerated to the point where my son is not comfortable at home (whenever my husband raises his voice now my son covers his ears) I've tried to avoid arguing with him to let his anger dissipate but I feel I am truly not in love with this man (I am actually doubtful that I ever really was). My problem is that I know that alot of his behavior stems from his childhood and his relationship with his parents and I feel guilty that if I leave I am somehow giving up on him. (I would be content to stay in our marriage so that our son did not have to deal with the ugliness of divorce if we could at leat be civil to one another even I knew he was not my soulmate.) Making this even more difficult is the fact that when I discuss leaving he tells me that he is going to commit suicide or that I'm taking away the only real family he's ever had. This man has no empathy and I'm afraid of looking back and regretting I spent so much time in a relationship that is, I believe, emotionally destructive for myself and for my son. (I ltry not but sometimes I lose my patience with him and lash back out at him with equally ugly words and then I feel terrible about it. He can be so charming with me and his son when he wants to be and that is what makes this so hard...he'll apologize and modify his behavior for awhile but then we seem to fall back into them same bad patterns. Sorry this is so long...

[mylife]

I really have an idea of how you feel. My husband would tell me how stupid could I be and would be jealous of any male friends. My male boss thought it best, too, that we not speak to each other outside of work because of my husband's jealousy. What I really want to say is, don't be too quick to end things. It could very well be true that you may have never really loved him, but if you end things now without trying to enlist more help you will always wonder "what if". Have the two of you ever gone to counseling? If you don't have the right "feel" for the therapist, try someone new. They are all going to be different from each other. Chances are, you probably already know somebody who has been through counseling for relationship or other reasons and might be able to recommend a good therapist. It sounds like you and your husband both have problems to work out. I don't like his threat about committing suicide if you leave. By saying that he is using your emotions to win and keep you. You stay because you would feel tremendous guilt if anything really did happen, right? You also stay and hope for better. And the cycle continues. Counseling can be expensive if not covered on insurance, but still consider it. There are alternatives for people in this situation. Some places offer sliding scales (many but not all are charity or social service organizations), or perhaps contacting your church if you have one. The pastors may talk to you, or there may even be other members of the church specially trained to talk--confidentially--to people having troubles. And of course, that is all free! I don't know how religious you might be, and I'm not someone who is all crazy about it, but just having religion can often help in one way or another as well. In fact, I just read an article online yesterday about that. I hope you have a great outcome with everything!

[rmm5497]

We have considered couseling but as you said it is very expensive and while I would consider some type of religious family counseling, my husband would not. (We did not even get married in church because "they make him feel creepy") I'm just so tired of his anger and cynicism about everything. For example two days ago I was taking my son to the beach and my husband, as soon as he woke up, starting screaming that I could not leave the house until I fixed the computer. (The sound was not working) So I tried t fix it but I couldn't figure it out and when I left he was kicking furniture around saying "I had no idea what I would come home to if I left him nothing to do all day" (He hates the beach and doesn't really get along with my family so he was staying home.) The last time he threw a fit about the computer being broken (he only works part time so he's home all day on the computer) I came home to find all of our furniture strewn about and a steak knife stuck into the kitchen paneling. I did not witness this tantrum (I don't know what else to call it) and came home to find our house in this state and no one home. Of course as soon as the issue with the computer was resolved he was very sorry but his mood swings are scary. Your right...I do feel guity that he will hurt himself though and pity that he would even consider it...he's just so unpredictable. Thank you for your perspective...It really upsets me that I have put myself in a relationship that has degraded to the point of needing therapy. I was raised in a very loving 2 parent home, my parents have been married for 25 years, and while I know your right that in this moment we both have problems that could be worked out with a therapist, I can't help feeling that I would naturally heal and be stronger for this whole experience if we split up but that he would be the same.

[mylife]

You know, what you said about his "tantrum" and the steak knife really scares me! You need to talk to someone, somewhere soon. I can certainly understand that you question whether to stay or leave him. These "tantrums" aren't just a horrific way for him to vent his emotions, but also they serve as a way to scare you--and I am sure they in fact do! Don't let his fears of counseling--yes, that's what it is, probably along with his own denial--keep you from seeking help. Whether he goes to counseling or not, just you going will help strengthen you. Try contacting the Salvation Army, your township office, the village/city hall deparment of health and human services, PAVE (People Against a Violent Environment), or check in the yellow pages under "social service organizations" to locate places that offer more cost-effective counseling. The forums here are a great place to vent your own fears and frustrations, so keep posting. It helps alot!

[rmm5497]

Yes it really does help to have a place to vent where people are reading and replying because they want to...Thank You! Sometimes I feel like badly when I'm confiding in a friend because then I'm making them feel bad and that's not my intent I just want to keep perspective about all of this and it's hard when your so emotionally entrenched. Anyway, I think I will file for divorce...I work full time and am working on my bachelors so I can provide for myself and my son adequately without him At this point it just doesn't matter to me anymore whose fault it is...the fact of the matter is that I don't like my son (or myself for that matter) in this unpredictable environment. I never know what I'm walking in the door to... charm or venom. He may not be physically hitting me (I'm not counting being shoved or held down to be made to listen, mind you) but the interaction between the two of us is a poor example for our son (and yes, scary!). I do like your idea of going to some kind of counseling on my own...I don't want to carry around any negativity from our relationship. I really just want to be a good mom more than anything else. I think I just need to admit that I made a mistake, that I had a child with someone I was not and am not in love with, that I was basically a wildly irresponsible teenager and stop compounding the error by carrying on this miserable attempt at civility between the two of us. I need to be a responsible mother for my son and provide him all of the happiness he deserves and the best way I can see to do that right now is to find some happiness for myself.



i

[mylife]

Re: "the best way I can see to do that right now is to find some happiness for myself."

<font color="blue" size="4">Three cheers and Applause! Good for you!!!! </font>

[Zenobia]

I am glad you have decided to get out of the situation. Don't let threats of suicide deter you. You are not doing him any favors by staying in the relationship. He is mentally ill and needs help desperately but will not get that help while he has you to control and pawn off his own problems on. Also staying in the relationship is harmful to your son as you have already pointed out.

Find and build a support system for yourself and your child. Therapy is great but you sound so darn put together that I don't think you would be going very long. I think it will be important to gather friends and family around you to support your decision and to cry to when difficultly enevitably rises. Don't hesitate to tell your friends what is up with you. Isn't that what friendship is for?

Take care and keep us posted. We are all more then willing to be that shoulder to cry on if you need it.
Zen<font color=blue>

Deal with the difficult while it is still easy. Solve large problems when they are still small. Preventing large problems by taking small steps is easier the solving them. Therefore, the Tao person anticipates and lives wisely, by small actions accomplishing great things.--From the Tao Te Ching

[rmm5497]

Thanks!! I really do question my sanity in this whole thing! It is just so hard becuase I feel like I try to be honest with him about my feelings and this hurts him more and then he throws back at me that what I'm telling him is much more hurtful than anything he has ever done to me. (I think I just handle being hurt better, I mean it's part of life, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger) and wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was unhappy? Why does he think I am being cruel by telling him that? For example several months before our wedding after many ugly incidents I told him that I was honestly feeling that maybe we should not get married, that I felt we were not "connecting" (we wern't really talking or doing anything enjoyable together and I just started to think that we'd grown up and grown apart and it didn't seem we were going to meet back up anytime soon and that's not how I wanted to feel as a newlywed) and quite frankly I was getting tired of some of his behaviors. His first reaction was to tell me that I was stressed over finances and over our neighbors (at the time we lived in condo with some people who did not like having a sometimes noisy three year old in the building Anyway, in retrospect he basically ignored what I was saying and brushed it off as cold feet...when I insisted that he take me seriously he accused me of having an affair, then apolgised and vowed that he would do anything (including therapy which never happened) because he didn't want to lose his family. Somewhere mixed in this he also told my best friend that he had attempted suicide (I can't help thinking now this was just a mean ploy for sympathy as he knew my best friend would not keep something like that from me) I truly did not believe he would change but God I really wanted to believe it, ya know that maybe we could really become stronger for all of it and I was also somewhat swayed by his argument that maybe I was just very frazzled what with everything that was going in our lives at the time. Obviously though nothing has changed and it's more than a year later and I feel like I made a huge mistake...and I've told him that because I want to be honest about my feelings but I think I've just hurt him more because he truly doesn't understand it and now I feel incredibly guitly. I don't want to hurt him...I really want more than anything to help him and we've both said and done things we should not have whatever the intent and I can forgive but right now he's too blinded by anger over what I've told him and he's actually convinced that he's genetically predisposed to being an @%$hole!! (his words not mine) So I can't see him wholeheartedly jumping into therapy anytime soon. Arrgh this whole thing is so frustrating...I know he has to want to change but I don't think he is willing to even admit that he has some issues to work out (he goes back and forth on me from: "I'm just a jerk, that who I am" to "why don't you grow up with my parents and see who you become" (He has a very successful, happily married,well adjusted sister by the way) He thinks that everyone is always "making him the scapegoat" and in a way I think he encourages that by being so cold and negative to everyone. It's like giving someone a dirty look and then complaining they don't like you. I'm so frustrated. I hate the idea of failing at anything, especially something as important as my marriage and now he's accusing me of somehow deceiving him by marrying him (which was exactly what I was trying to avoid by baring my soul before the wedding!!)

[mj14]

rmm5497, I know first-hand how easy it is to question yourself when you are in an abusive relationship. So many aspects of your story sound so familiar to me, especially how he manages to deflect any responsibility for his own behavior ("I had a bad childhood...you're being too judgemental...etc.") Sure, there may be very valid reasons why he behaves the way he does, but his refusal to even try to get therapy, or change in any way, negates any excuse he may have.

And no matter what, you have no obligation to remain in an abusive relationship. And even though you say he has never hit you, shoving you and physically restraining you (holding you down to make you listen) do constitute physical abuse. I would highly recommend contacting a local women's center or spousal abuse hotline to investigate the possibility of a protection from abuse order against him. You should be able to find one in the phone book, but if you would like some help, send me a private message with where you live, and I'd be happy to give you whatever help I can. It may sound harsh to take this action, but from what you have said, he has already exhibited dangerous behavior toward you, and you have every right to protect yourself and your son.

I remember when I was going through this, I had a lot of the same feelings you describe - why can't I make this work? Why didn't I see what he was sooner? But remember...none of this is your fault, it is his. You are the one who was working to make things better, and the failure is his for not doing his part. This is another area where contacting a women's center may help...you will find many women there who have been through similar situations, and can provide you with lots of support and understand.

Of course, we are also here for you, so keep posting, and let us know how everything is going.

Good luck,
mj

[mylife]

GREAT Advice! I think going to court for an Order of Protection is an <u>absolute</u> <u>MUST!</u>

[mylife]

As they say, don't leave home without it! Get one ASAP! for you and your child.

[rmm5497]

Thank you so much everyone...I'm so glad I found this website. I went to see a lawyer yesterday and I left feeling so good. I really thought that I would have to move myself and my son out of our house and into my parents apartment for a while, sell the house, and that I would responsible for all of our debt because everything is in my name and alot was accumulated when we were living together before we were married. And because my parents apartment is not particularly nice (there plenty of room but it needs alot of handy man work and is not aesthetically pleasing right now) I was worried that maybe he would end up geting our son (because the court would want him to stay in the home) just by refusing to move out himself. (My husband has said things to me like "if you want to start over and abandon your family go ahead but this is my home and I stay here and so does our son because that is in his best interest") I was also very afraid that he and his family (his parents being very well off) would do things just to run up attorneys fees to make them unmanagable for me. The lawyer was so nice telling me that he will not let them make trouble to get lawyer fees out of hand so that I feel have no choice but to give up things I'm entitled to (i.e child support) because they have more financial resources to keep the battle going. He said to me "I'll tell their lawyer straight out that I'll start waiving all my fees just on principle!!" I could have cried. He also said he would only charge me his services at the hourly rate his paralegal bills at (less than 1/2 his normal rate!!) So anyway he told me that I would certainly get the house, my son, a small amount of child support, and a small montly sum to pay 1/2 of our debt!! That is how the state would want to divide it he said!! Of course I would have to buy out my husbands portion of the equity in our home if I ever refinanced it or remarried and it will be tough to make the mortgage payments on my own but God...that I can really do this and not traumatize my son even more by having to move him at least twice (to my parents and then to an apartment) it's like a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I do fell guilty still though...I know I would not be happy with the scenario my lawyer painted if I were in his shoes (half the debt and a samll amount of support may be reasonable but he will hit the roof about my getting the house without having to pay him anything right away...and it's just much more than I expected and I feel a little guilty because law or no I myself would see it as unfair if the tables were turned...anyway I've got to get ready for work...but thanks everyone. I feel so much better about this whole thing now than I did a week ago