Non Speaking Husband

Omg where is he going again???

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All I am seeing is a spoiled child that wants all the control and NEVER takes responsibility for himself. He is blaming everyone and especially YOU. And many posters have been telling you this "fact" even quite indepth and elegantly.

From what you are saying/discribing of him, it sounds like he has NPD. If that is the case, then he is never going to change and as time goes on your head will keep spinning, it's not good for you. His illusions of grandeur are, a house HE OWNS, a boat HE OWNS, a new car/truck HE OWNS, and him being the boss where he works, adored by others and waited on hand and foot by YOU.
The ONLY TIME he sees you is when IT IS YOUR FAULT, and he is not getting HIS WAY, and it IS HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. And the ONLY ONE he feels sorry for IS HIMSELF.

5pm on Friday he is leaving the house for the weekend again. Omg how is that ok?????

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How do you know what they do or don't say to him?

His dad told the pastor that all he does is fish. He isn't doing anything wrong. He's trying to recover from the hurt I caused him. The dad was married to his mom th n divorced. He has dates at least one women a month.
The dad backs him up.

If he hangs around or gets her to hang around like she's doing right now.....then she graduates & gets a good paying job & he quits his job then she will be the sole person earning money. Even if he does put her on the loan......she will then be the bread winner of the family....she will be the one paying all the bills & supporting him.......then he files for divorce & claims that she is the only one with earning power & divorce being equitable in Calif.....she could be required to give money to him for support in the divorce.

She needs a good divorce lawyer to make sure she makes the right moves at the right time.

But....honestly.....why she isn't even confronting him about everything.....man, I would be fighting mad & he would get an ear full.....& I would make his life so miserable that he would be looking forward to a divorce....I definitely wouldn't sit back & take all the crap that she is taking from him silently. Rolling over & playing dead while he does everything & all she does is try to figure out why he's doing it.....personally I wouldn't give a crap about why he was doing anything....what he's doing is WRONG in a marriage & I would confront even if it does mean fighting constantly. I was getting my degree & my H did all kinds of crap that I jumped all over him for doing just like her H is doing to her....I wasn't going to just sit there & take it....it was either going to stop or he was going to know exactly what I felt about it & exactly WHY the divorce was going to hit him over the head.

Marriage is about partnership....if he's mad about the things she did that he didn't like & told her then she needs to get MAD & get all over him for the things that he's doing that she doesn't like.......marriages without fights are unhealthy & it's the person refusing to fight that's the unhealthy one & really is the one NOT communicating....just sits there & takes his criticism

It probably depends on a state but in most states there are no alimony after only 2 years of marriage. But you are right he might demand she pays for attorney fees or what not.

He doesn't sound mad to me but rather not wanting to be with her. He might be waiting for the right time.

You are right sitting and taking it is very weird. Gone every single weekend? And all you say oh I will be relaxing when he is gone. I would be packing not relaxing.

I think you are stubborn not him. You refuse to address the issue, he is perfectly content the way it is. He has his own house and he is gone all weekend and he doesn't communicate yet still according you gets hugging and kissing and probably sex.

Gee how do you even want to kiss him!


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Being gone from his wife all weekend every weekend indicates he doesn't want to be with his wife. It's no matter fishing or screwing. Why is this ok with you is beyond me. Young people recently married and husband already doesn't want to be around. In what cultures is this ok? Never heard

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You want to look up in the Bible....there isn't anything that he is doing that is Biblically OK in the way that he's being a H....he's failing so badly if they want to look at it Biblically.....the pastor's just not pushing the issue.......He's definitely NOT loving you the way Christ loves the church & he definitely wouldn't give his life for you......in reality.....he's not even being a H......wondering if he was the one that really wanted to get married or if he was pressured into it & would have been just as happy living together with you the rest of your lives? He definitely doesn't want to be a H while in the words you say that he is saying.....he's pushing the fact that he expects you to be the wife that does nothing but take care of him......that is NOT a Biblical marriage if you really want to get technical with him......oh, but you don't confront him about his actions like he confronts you.....you just keep quiet & hold it all in or excuse it away.

I keep in mind that you are only 24, and when I think about how I was at your age, well, there were things about my own dysfunctional marriage that challenged me and standing my ground was often "on deaf ears" because the truth was, my husband was not a grown up. Years later I was told he had the maturity level of a 13 year old and I had to "stop" mothering him and that he would consistently PUSH MY BUTTONS to do just that for him, and he definitely did "push those buttons constantly".

It is not fair or healthy for you to spend the rest of your life on "what is wrong with him". It is not good for your mental or physical health. And if you have a child under this kind of dysfunction that will become that childs "normal" and that child will end up putting up with the same kind of dysfunctional man, believe me, I have lived that.

You "are" being psychologically manipulated, this is not good for your own mental health. That is what all the members posting here are telling you, they all know it first hand.

I think you are a driven young woman, you are thinking "you" can make this marriage work, that is a big mistake and the wrong thing to be driven about. Part of this is nature driven as women are biologically attracted to a male that has genetic markers that will produce an offspring that has more resistence. These are "unseen" forces at work and do not take into account if the psychological state of the male is actually "healthy" for a long term healthy partnership. It is these unseen biological forces that keep you holding on the most, it was just meant for early man when we did not live as long and only meant for procreation as all mammels are driven to, however, these mammels are not "long term" like human beings are.

Many women who get to a point where this drive lessons as they age have a really "rude" awakening. They get to a point where this biological force is weak and they literally wake up with "What the hell was I thinking?". Truth is they were "not" thinking but instead were biologically driven. This is a big part of "your" stubborness. This is also a big part of the "high" divorce rate, even the "high" rate of single mothers too. And to make matters worse, the woman is stuck with the dysfunctional male for life because this male has rights to "his" child. Often the child suffers greatly from this and is used as a pawn by the dysfunctional parent to continue the anger and resentments and I could see your husband doing "just that" too because he really only does "think of his OWN needs and will quickly throw away, toss out anyone who doesn't GIVE IN TO THAT.

How would you like to be nearing nine months pregnant and have to put up with him being out all night, you not knowing where he is and HE BLAMES YOU AND IS DISMISSIVE. That is what I lived through and IT SUCKS.

This husband of yours just takes off, HE LIVES AS "HE" PLEASES and abandon's you until HE wants SEX? And you GIVE INTO THAT?

Wake up, HE IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER and is showing you WHAT YOUR FUTURE WILL BE LIKE WITH HIM.

She said she won't have kids with him but I don't see any point for a young woman to stay with a man who won't be a good father. Unless she plans on never wanting children. Why would you plan for that at 24?
I honestly don't see what's he good for? He isn't even there much to say he is good for going dancing for example or doing activities together. My potty mouse grandma used to say about bad spouses "must be good in bed". Lol I doubt that as he isn't there long enough to demonstrate anything.

He pays bills and cooks and feeds dogs (when he is there which is only during the week) . That's all I see from the posts. How is that enough? He is neither smart nor kind nor fun to be around etc


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No plans on having children. To much going on to bring a child into this world. He was NEVER like the way he is acting now.
He went to work yesterday and had a blow out with a co-worker over something small (in my eyes). Then he spoke to the boss. They told him he needs to show respect to get respect. He is so bitter and angry that work is just everyday life in the manufacturing business. His job is not hard but in his eyes its to hard.

Im not having children. At one time he stated he wanted children.

So you never want children? Because if you do at some point It makes no sense to stay married to one who you know isn't neither good husband nor will be a good dad.

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Yes I want children. Not right now. I have to continue to get my career started first. With the problems I have with my husband it wont be anytime soon.

Honestly, I have watched this thread go on and on and the OP hasn't really done anything to better her situation. She's letting thus pathetic excuse for a man take complete advantage of her and because she says "he wasn't always like this" she seems to think her "husband" will go back to being like that somehow.

This thread has gone on for nearly 30 pages and refuses to follow good advice that has been given. This is her life and her decision ultimately, but this man of hers needs help and she deserves much better.

My advice is to change the locks when he's out "fishing" for the weekend and be done with him.

The issue is that it is HIS house and her name isn't on it. I doubt she could just kick him out and change locks but she can move out herself or at least get the process started. This so called husband is only good for paying bills. Well that's not good enough reason to stay married.

I'd be talking to lawyers packing and looking for a place.

Yes I agree op not only refuses to address the issue but at times appears to not understand what's being said to her by many posters. Hmmm




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I hear everyone loud and clear. I have not ignored anyone and if I have its not intentional. I have contacted an attorney and have said that in a prior post.
Like I said he had a hard time at work yesterday and was mad at the world. Rose76 hit that right on target. He doesnt like to work with others.

What difference does it make at this point what he does at work and who he is mad at. Why aren't you focusing what's good for you? Why is it all about him? Is this marriage working for you?

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I have never seen someone who claims to be a strong independent woman not stand up to the crap that this H is handing out either.....I would be fighting back & I wouldn't take the crap that he's blaming her for without throwing blame back in his face........so what if there is a huge blow up.....at least it would get the end of the marriage started. I would have so much steam built up by this time he would be lucky I wouldn't blow out all the windows on the house....I wouldn't tolerate being treated the way he's treating you without really letting him have it.

My H started off our marriage with putting me down sarcasm.....I didn't have a lot of self-confidence at that time but I definitely knew how to stand up for myself.....to start with I started handing it back then hated the way that made me feel so I drew the line & told him if he didn't stop, the locks would be changed & he would no longer be welcome & I would end the marriage right then. He agreed to change though it took a year of continuous reminding.....but I did see his attempt to change & he would catch himself many times......he had other serious issues that I had with him from even before the marriage that ended up being the final straws that ended the marriage....& stupidly I hid away from the serious problems of the marriage getting my degree, then in my computer engineering career. I fought with him constantly though not willing to tolerate it silently. Wasn't until I my career ended due to aerospace engineering collapse in California in 1994 & not being able to find a job....depression set in......more because I had no place to escape the marriage & for the next 13 years it went down hill until I was seeing red before I finally left.....don't waste time in a bad marriage as you never know when there might be something that financially ends up trapping you in it with no way out......I got out when my mother died & I sold her house & took my inheritance & split...not giving him a cent......left him to deal with the mess he made of our life due to his incompetence......sadly it wasn't until last year I came to realize that his major problems with his inability to function is due to Asperger's.....at the age of 62....never Dx'ed & in denial that there was anything wrong with himself....that he was the one perfectly fine & I was the one with the problems & not willing to tolerate him.

Something is just off with the whole story

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Your 100% right. He needs help and refuses to get therapy. It doesn't help that his dad thinks he's fine and says he's just stressed out. I have read and listened to what everyone has said. I have tried to get him to the doctor but only he can get help. Like I said I have been to therapy but need to continue to go.
What do I want? I want my life back that I had the last few years. It's not going to happen. Three weeks to finish my degree. I have already contacted an attorney.

Im not holding information. I don't know what your looking for??

Not sure. Several people pointed out that they have never met young independent educated women who would be ok with how you live. Just doesn't add up. I know a lot of young people. What you describe is highly highly unusual nowadays.

Even your responses are unusual. No matter what people say you respond with what HE needs and what HE does and what HE wants.

Also sometimes you are responding to people as you are not fully understanding what they are saying. Like you answer questions but looking up closely isn't what question was even about....

You said you are not from culture where women are submissive and not in a third world country and weren't raised in dysfunctional family.
Then I don't know what this is. Can't figure out.


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i was in a relationship like that but wasn't married, i was living with a fiance and had his child. needless to say, i had to get out it was getting so bad the way he was treating me like he was my father, not a lover or wife, i'm so glad i got out after 4 years. he was abusive too and expected me to jump into action at his becking call. i hope you can get away. good luck