Non Speaking Husband

Rose76 · Apr 08, 2015, 03:46 AM

You better stick to figuring out your own problems and what you need to do for you. It sounds like you're reasonably good at that. A lot better than he is.

It may be that the only reason your husband has any job at all is that he's working for family. He may not be capable of holding down a job where people aren't bending over backwards to tolerate him, which is what I think is going on with the father-in-law. If he needs any counseling, you're not the person to give it to him. You seem to have zero insight into what is going on with him.

You talk about not wanting to be a housewife to please him. I got a strong feeling he'll be looking for you to financially support him one of these days. His problem is that he thinks he is worthless. He was hoping you could fix that in him, but nobody can do that. Like you say, in a few weeks you can move on. You'll probably be fine, whatever you decide to do. He is very damaged and deteriorating. He sounds to me like a guy headed for a nervous breakdown.

divine1966 · Apr 08, 2015, 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seeyalater

No the house is not paid for. He put a large amount down but also has a large balance due. There is equity in the house from the time of perchase but not a large amount at all.
I did speak to a lawyer. I can get half of the equity from the date of purchase but not the down payment.
He is still so shocked that I found out about the house. He claims that the title company recommended that he secure his money. Title companies dont request anyone to watch out for their money.

If he was single that would be a good advice. No one advices married man to have only his name on things

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divine1966 · Apr 08, 2015, 05:23 AM

I would just focus on what you want and what you feel.

It doesn't sound to me as there is much love or respect or Affection or passion or admiration for each other or even honesty and communication in this marriage both ways. It is not just him, you seem to feel just as he does just maybe you aren't as vocal about it. He even purchased house for himself so he is already one foot out of this marriage.

Sounds as marriage of convenience, who fed the dogs who cook who did laundry And who pays for what. That's not enough for marriage to survive and last. Good luck

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Seeyalater · Apr 08, 2015, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I would just focus on what you want and what you feel.

It doesn't sound to me as there is much love or respect or Affection or passion or admiration for each other or even honesty and communication in this marriage both ways. It is not just him, you seem to feel just as he does just maybe you aren't as vocal about it. He even purchased house for himself so he is already one foot out of this marriage.

Sounds as marriage of convenience, who fed the dogs who cook who did laundry And who pays for what. That's not enough for marriage to survive and last. Good luck

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We do communicate. He asked where I was going and I told him know. I told him prior to him asking. HE just happen to ask again. There is a lot of affection going on. Touching, hold, kissing, etc.... I've already explained to him what I wanted. I left to give him some space for one weekend.
When he bought the house, I wasn't available at the time he seen it. He liked it and made the purchase. Where we live houses are very hard to buy people come in and pay cash and the normal everyday people have to keep looking. Now, when he bought the house he did buy it himself. I was told to sign the deed. I did not ask and I trusted (my fault) him. I went in and signed. I didn't ask because I trusted my newly husband of three months. Someone that I have been with for five years. I do take full responsibility for this issue and I am not blaming anyone except myself.

Seeyalater · Apr 08, 2015, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he was single that would be a good advice. No one advices married man to have only his name on things

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I agree with that comment. No one at the title company would think to advise a newly married man (three months) to have his wife sign the deed over. That alone makes me mad. I have left a couple messages for the title company to return my call. Like I said before I contacted an attorney for advice. I also explained to the attorney what my husband said I was going in to sign at the title company, and how it was presented to me by my husband. Just to see if there is anything than can be done. Maybe not, but it doesn't hurt to contact the title company just for a response.
He really thought I would fall for a response like that?

Seeyalater · Apr 08, 2015, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

Yeah, if he finds you hard to tolerate, I can just imagine how little patience he would have with a messy, crying baby. Then you'll have to negotiate who pays for the diapers and who buys the toys and who pays for a sitter once in a while.

Yeah, you need to get established in your career. Having a baby can mean a loss of income from your discontinuing a job, or reducing hours. With him whining about how much he hates his job, I wouldn't want to be too financially dependent on him.

I'll bet, during that 6 month period when you supported him in the beginning, that he was real nice around the house.

Mark my words: That job of his is what is most troubling him, and he's just throwing up a smokescreen about being dissatisfied with you. Things are going to get worse for him at that workplace. Those people, father-in-law and co-workers, are going to be less tolerant than you've been. His conflict with them will only escalate. As it does, he'll become a less and less pleasant person to live with.

Women talk about "saving a marriage" like it was a person. I'm not saying that you should leave him. That's really something only you can determine. But, if you stay, don't do it for the sake of "The Marriage," like that's a 3rd party whose welfare has to be considered. If you stay, do so because you honestly believe that is what will be best for you and any future children you may have. Or do so because you honestly believe that this guy means so much to you that you truly don't want to lose him, despite all his faults. Otherwise, cut your losses. You make decisions based on what is good for people, not what is good for some institution.

Some marriages ought to be dissolved. I can't tell you that yours should be. Only you will determine that. Just don't go thinking that keeping "The Marriage" going at all costs makes you some kind of a hero . . . or makes you virtuous. Divorce is also a worthy plan of action, depending on circumstances. A good and virtuous person thinks about all that must be considered and carefully looks at ALL options, then makes a mature choice . . . not based on youthful pipe dreams.

If you chose to stay with him, consider the downside of that and come up with your plan for how you are going to handle that downside.

I reread your post. Yes, the job that he has now he doesn't like. Looking back now at the other two jobs he had before we got married had issues (the job was bad). One job had a lot more issues than the other. Its something about work that he doesn't like. He does what they ask but I don't think he likes the authority nor does he like working for someone. Only he can fix that. Unless you have your own business, that's life. Unless he plans on living in a tent, in the mountains or lake there is nothing he can do. You have to work to make it in life. I'm going to work and make it. I might of fell back in the beginning but I didn't hit bottom. I kept myself together, got up, and have continued to move on. I haven't called in, I've worked long hours, commuted, maintained school, house clean, groceries, laundry, etc....
He's better but says he's still angry that I let him down (repeating his words)
Remember he was the perfect husband. So, for a week I didn't have sex when he said "Get over here and have sex with me", damn on me for not jumping at his command. He and others can call me what they want and blame me for everything. He needs to know that I wasn't his hooker and to date wont be one. Because he lost control doesn't mean I'm a dog and I roll over when he says to. You know his first reason or excuse. His second reason for him feeling like he was my father. He paid for things like a husband should and I wouldn't roll over for him. He needs to learn that to be intimate that is NO way to attract a women much less his own wife.
I left to work yesterday at 6:30am and returned home right around 8pm. When I came home dinner was cooked by him. That was very nice and he has been back to his cooking at least once a week. If it was all dinner not being on the table, he wouldn't be cooking, I would just hear his negative comments.

Rose76 · Apr 08, 2015, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seeyalater

Its something about work that he doesn't like. He does what they ask but I don't think he likes the authority nor does he like working for someone.

Now you are starting to see what's going on with him. It's not the job. It's him, and he would find a problem with any job. Neither does he have the maturity to operate his own business, which is harder than working for someone else, usually. This is something basic in his attitude that has become "hard-wired." No matter where he goes, he is going to be a victim of everyone picking on poor old him. Good that you're starting to see that.

Now you can come here and keep telling us how ridiculous his behavior is. We're all convinced of that and don't need any further proof. You have to decide what you are after. If you are looking to be able to tell people what a nutty husband you have, then I guess that's what you can do. Where will that get you? So the thing for you to do now is to find how you are going to relate to him while you are there. What he says he expects and what you ought to do are not the same thing, which you already know.

Being able to see how wrong he is about so much is not a victory for you. It is you beginning to define a big problem that you have. Being married to a man like this is a big problem. So now your thinking has to be along the lines of "how do I handle this problem." One option is to leave. If you stay, you have to develop plans for how you deal with living there.

divine1966 · Apr 08, 2015, 04:50 PM

So what's the plan? So things are good all of a sudden. Now there is a lot of romance and communication? I agree with rose you keep repeating he is nuts and not even that smart. But what's next? Are you staying? Leaving? Working on your marriage? Did he ever admit it was wrong to buy house only on his name? Is he now changing it putting your name on? Or you are willing to excuse everything so you can stay with him? What's next?

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eskielover · Apr 08, 2015, 06:40 PM

Quote:

He liked it and made the purchase. Where we live houses are very hard to buy people come in and pay cash and the normal everyday people have to keep looking. Now, when he bought the house he did buy it himself. I was told to sign the deed. I did not ask and I trusted (my fault) him. I went in and signed.........
I also explained to the attorney what my husband said I was going in to sign at the title company, and how it was presented to me by my husband.

So you are on the deed or not, but not on the loan? or do you even know what you signed? It seems in a lot of ways that you where playing the role of that kind of wife that just did what you were told to do without really knowing anything about what you are doing. You were playing the role of having blind trust even though you say that's not the way you are???? You NEVER let a H do anything without being a part of it no matter how much you think you trust them!!!!

What about the boat you said he went out & purchased after you separated that weekend in one of your posts? If the money that purchased the boat or the house came from a joint account that has your name & even if it didn't but it was purchased for the joint residence of the marriage & also the boat because you weren't legally separated or had left him like I finally did with my H they you are just as responsible for the debt as he is. I would get a second opinion of another lawyer because on these issues because it sounds like the poor choices that you H is making is going to have a very BAD effect on you financially. He is abusing you financially if not in other ways also.

In California when I got my inheritance from my mother...I kept it all in the trust in MY name (I had been married for 30 years at that time). I was planning on taking MY inheritance money & buying MY FARM in another state 2100 miles away (KY)....but he said that he needed about $11,000 to do some repairs on the house we owned together in Ca. I stupidly didn't put it down in writing but I told him that I was only willing to LOAN him the money to make the repair until we got a refinance & then I wanted the money repaid to my inheritance & demanded that it was ONLY A LOAN. At this time I was dealing with PTSD from a trauma I went through dealing with the home care person during the time my mother was dying of cancer so I was struggling after her death because of the PTSD & the anorexia the stress pushed me into so I wasn't very functional at after my mother's death & couldn't even go back in her house for over a year after she died. Kept my money totally separate from our marriage money completely except for that little amount I loaned him for the repairs.

I finally found my farm 2 years later & paid cash for it & refused to even allow him to sign the deed in KY. He came to my farm for Christmas that year & I kicked him out within 2 weeks & sent him packing back to Calif. A lot of bad things happened including a issue with the IRS because of his incompetence & he had blown things so badly when I was mentally not able to run the finances for years even before the PTSD hit....he financially destroyed us & he was thinking about filing for bankruptcy while we were still married.....one of the lawyers he talked to said that because I provided that $11,000 for repairs of our house that it became OUR money & not mine even though I had an agreement with him that it was only a loan. (I'm sure he didn't tell the lawyer that little bit of information...but it was also not in writing). In Calif, your inheritance money is yours as long as you don't put it in the marriage joint account however any of that money that you put into marriage property unless there is a prenup agreement, it becomes part of the marriage assets from my understanding.

I do know that different states have different rules like in KY, they are what they call a dowry state so even though my H never signed the deed to my farm, when I put it into the LLC for my protection against him, my lawyer said that he was actually considered to be a part owner because of the dowry laws in this state so he had to sign a quit claim for my farm even though he had never signed the deed.

I would definitely get a second legal opinion on the statement that you are only entitled to the division of any increased value....but in that case also, you would become liable for 1/2 the debt because it is the house he bought for your primary residence in your marriage.

So where are you coming from with him?.....now you are back to kissing & hugging or was that just after the weekend you left or is that now also? Know that it's not always easy to make that break away from what is a bad marriage with a bad partner until the time is right.....I lived the last 13 years in the same house but in a different part of the house than my H lived....luckily it was a large house so I had my space & didn't ever really need to see him.....as it was nothing but fighting by the end of the 33 years I stuck around in the marriage because financially I couldn't leave until I ended up getting my inheritance from my mother....ironic because she was the one that talked me into not backing out of the wedding 33 years earlier.....when I saw the same red flags that I finally left because of. Use your wise mind....get out when you can & don't wait around thinking it will improve........given the sounds of his personality....it won't & you will just end up miserable & angry thinking of the time of your life you wasted on being married to a jerk.

divine1966 · Apr 08, 2015, 08:02 PM

Good post. Yeah you don't want to stay in bad marriage forever that's for sure. There might be kissing and hugging and talking( I wouldn't call it communication) but nonsense like buying expensive items like houses and boats for himself yet refusing to pay for last semester of school is very fishy. There is no true commitment there. Hugging and kissing is all fine and dandy. Not enough

Excuse after excuse. Mind you I stuck in bad relationships myself so I speak from experience! This doesn't sound good

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Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

Now you are starting to see what's going on with him. It's not the job. It's him, and he would find a problem with any job. Neither does he have the maturity to operate his own business, which is harder than working for someone else, usually. This is something basic in his attitude that has become "hard-wired." No matter where he goes, he is going to be a victim of everyone picking on poor old him. Good that you're starting to see that.

Now you can come here and keep telling us how ridiculous his behavior is. We're all convinced of that and don't need any further proof. You have to decide what you are after. If you are looking to be able to tell people what a nutty husband you have, then I guess that's what you can do. Where will that get you? So the thing for you to do now is to find how you are going to relate to him while you are there. What he says he expects and what you ought to do are not the same thing, which you already know.

Being able to see how wrong he is about so much is not a victory for you. It is you beginning to define a big problem that you have. Being married to a man like this is a big problem. So now your thinking has to be along the lines of "how do I handle this problem." One option is to leave. If you stay, you have to develop plans for how you deal with living there.

As of yesterday I have four weeks of school left and counting. I am travelling today and tomorrow with the team so I wont be home until late evening. I keep busy and I have no plans to stick around and watch the explosions going off.
With the time frame I have left, I have to think on how to deal with him. So far its been ok. I basically have listened to him when hes angry. I have only been home in the evenings so I haven't cooked. He's cooked once and we went out. Yes its HIM.
If you have any ideas Rose76 feel free to share. I enjoy your posts.

Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

So what's the plan? So things are good all of a sudden. Now there is a lot of romance and communication? I agree with rose you keep repeating he is nuts and not even that smart. But what's next? Are you staying? Leaving? Working on your marriage? Did he ever admit it was wrong to buy house only on his name? Is he now changing it putting your name on? Or you are willing to excuse everything so you can stay with him? What's next?

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I have less than four weeks to finish school. In the meantime I have put my name on a couple of apartments. I'm hoping they come through in four to six weeks.
I can say I have worked on the marriage. He still refuses to discuss anything. I think he knows in his heart that he was in the wrong but wont say it.
When we discussed the house. YES, he did say he was in the wrong for doing that. In CA when a spouse makes a purchase, if something happens then the house would be community property. In my case I signed it back to him. Now the interest that accrues from the time of purchase will get split 50/50. Which wont be much. Th boat was bough used and paid for. No debt there.
When I confronted him he was shocked. He had no idea that I found out. As of now the house is still only in his name. IF I continue to stay then one requirement will have to have my name put back on. If not then there is no need to stay. As of now I am apartment hunting and there will have to be drastic changes to make me want to stay. The house being one.
I can stand on my own two feet. I made it through the worst of couch hopping with my one bag, lack of communication, no access to funds, etc... That to me was an emotional roller coaster. It has made me stronger and it sure opened my eyes. I thought that the one person you can always trust would be your husband. I was wrong and I hate knowing that I let myself down. I trusted in the wrong person. So, I need to keep standing, continue to live each day and not look back.

divine1966 · Apr 09, 2015, 03:44 PM

Good luck! You are getting stronger every day. Make yourself a priority

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Rose76 · Apr 09, 2015, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seeyalater

Yes its HIM.

This isn't a contest. We're not voting on who's right and who's wrong. You say, "it's HIM." like that is some sort of a win for you. Wrong! You married him. You are in a hugely dysfunctional marriage. That's a problem for YOU.

Personally, I don't buy that this guy was just fine for 6 years, then changed a couple of months ago. This guy has big-deal issues that got past your radar. Something's wrong with your radar. (But that's true of a lot of young women.)

Okay, so now you are seeing him a bit clearer. About time!

Of all the guys you've dated, you picked him out to marry. Once you met this man, you said, "That's the husband for me!" Do some thinking about why you did that. Not that you have to tell us. But you've got a problem and need to figure it out.

Show me a grossly dysfunctional marriage - which is what you've got - and I'll show you two people with issues. I don't know what yours are, but you need to know what they are. Getting into some therapy might not be a bad idea for you.

It doesn't sound like leaving him is costing you much emotionally. One has to wonder if you were ever in love with this man. Not all marriages start with people being in love. Some of those arrangements work out anyway. Yours doesn't seem to have. If you do decide to leave this marriage, you don't want to do so, just to end up walking into another ill-conceived union. It sounds like you've got a lot to learn, if that isn't going to happen. So don't gloat over him being the one who's wrong.

You have shown strength and resilience, and you've probably started to learn some things, but you do need to look back long and hard . . . and reflect.

Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good luck! You are getting stronger every day. Make yourself a priority

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It hasn't been easy.Its very difficult.I keep coming back here and reading the post starting from the beginning. That way I can remember what has happened and read all the great responses I received. I'm still doing that today. Thanks for all your comments. I do appreciate them.

divine1966 · Apr 09, 2015, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

This isn't a contest. We're not voting on who's right and who's wrong. You say, "it's HIM." like that is some sort of a win for you. Wrong! You married him. You are in a hugely dysfunctional marriage. That's a problem for YOU.

Personally, I don't buy that this guy was just fine for 6 years, then changed a couple of months ago. This guy has big-deal issues that got past your radar. Something's wrong with your radar.

Okay, so now you are seeing him a bit clearer. About time!

Of all the guys you've dated, you picked him out to marry. Once you met this man, you said, "That's the husband for me!" Do some thinking about why you did that. Not that you have to tell us. But you've got a problem and need to figure it out.

Show me a grossly dysfunctional marriage - which is what you've got - and I'll show you two people with issues. I don't know what yours are, but you need to know what they are. Getting into some therapy might not be a bad idea for you.

She says they've been together 6 years which means when they got together she was 18. I suspect there was no boyfriends prior to this one, how many could you have at 18?

I agree about therapy.

I overall notice many unusual things that might indicate lack of understanding what's important. Like every single post emphasizes who cooked what like first how many nights he cooked or she cooked and now he cooks more dinners when she not home etc why is it even of importance?

Two young people are so preoccupied with food. It is almost like focusing on minor things takes attention from what is really wrong with all this.

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Rose76 · Apr 09, 2015, 06:18 PM

I got to wonder why someone, at age 18, is in such an all-fired hurry to get married? Especially, someone immersed in an ambitious academic program. Who does that? It's a bit outside of cultural norms for this part of the world, in this day and age. This keeps sounding to me like a situation that a woman from some 3rd world culture would get into, through some arranged marriage. Seeya describes it differently, but there's got to be some context to this whole situation that we're missing.

divine1966 · Apr 09, 2015, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

I got to wonder why someone, at age 18, is in such an all-fired hurry to get married? Especially, someone immersed in an ambitious academic program. Who does that? It's a bit outside of cultural norms for this part of the world, in this day and age. This keeps sounding to me like a situation that a woman from some 3rd world culture would get into, through some arranged marriage. Seeya describes it differently, but there's got to be some context to this whole situation that we're missing.

There is more to the story that's for sure

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divine1966 · 07:31 PM

They only married two years or so. They lived together prior to that.

I agree with you. Something is missing from this story.

I actually thought all along that op sounds coming from a culture where women dependent first on parents then on husbands. submissive etc and some of the other things don't sound like western Culture to me. I don't know any young women just doing what men say, not in this day and age and not in western culture

I am older am from different generation yet can't imagine sleeping on couches because my husband tells me to leave. Yet young modern educated woman does just that!
Hard to imagine somebody so submissive is in a graduate program. Unless there is some cultural component op isn't sharing with us

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Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

She says they've been together 6 years which means when they got together she was 18. I suspect there was no boyfriends prior to this one, how many could you have at 18?

I agree about therapy.

I overall notice many unusual things that might indicate lack of understanding what's important. Like every single post emphasizes who cooked what like first how many nights he cooked or she cooked and now he cooks more dinners when she not home etc why is it even of importance?

Two young people are so preoccupied with food. It is almost like focusing on minor things takes attention from what is really wrong with all this.

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Through the relationship we both cooked. Because he has stated that I should be the only one cooking I mentioned that he has done it while I was gone to work. I was proving a point that he does do it. As he keeps using that as an excuse I simply made a statement. No. It's not a contest and I don't expect anyone to pick sides. I never once said I was preoccupied with the petty stuff. I have not been at all petty because if I was none of this would of happened. I'm not angry because he didn't do this or he didn't do that.
I simply stated that he does cook. That's it! To prove that his excuse wasnt as good as he thought it was. I didn't give up. I'm still here. I have been trying to work on this marriage. I do have for weeks left for school and I am taking it one day at a time and see what happens.
No arranged marriage. My parents didn't worry me off.
You are fully correct that the things he complained about are petty. But that is the honest truth and came from his mouth.

Rose76 · Apr 09, 2015, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seeyalater

I simply stated that he does cook. That's it! To prove that his excuse wasnt as good as he thought it was.

Are you studying to be a lawyer?

I'm not saying you're petty. It's hard to express what seems to come across. It does seem like you are trying to out-argue your husband. And that you are looking for affirmation that you are right.

Of course, his stated expectations are nuts. I don't believe even he believes that he has a right to those expectations. So you are married to this kook. Your problem isn't that you have to prove something to him, or gain reassurance that it's okay for you not to cook daily. This isn't about cooking. Once you said that he threw you out of the house, you had more than proved your case that he is way out of line.

What many of the posts here are trying to get across to you is that your husband is not mainly upset over you not cooking. He's deeply disturbed, alright, but it goes way beyond cooking. It's clear that's what he threw out at you as his complaint. I believe you. His complaint is so ridiculous that "petty" has nothing to do with it. What's coming out of his mouth is clearly not what is really bothering him. Something else is. I'm guessing the job is part of that.

So you may be "proving a point" with him, but the two of you are not talking about anything matters. I get that he may not be the easiest guy to engage in a mature conversation. Try asking him where he sees himself 10 years from now. Encourage him to talk about what are his alternatives to staying on this job that he hates.

Actually, it sounds like you two did some substantive talking. I think you said he admitted that getting you to sign away your ownership of the house was wrong. So that's a start . . . maybe the best you two can do at the moment.

eskielover · Apr 09, 2015, 09:53 PM

Sounds a lot like my H who I have discovered had Asperger's....I couldn't engage him in any meaningful conversation as he could never figure out where in the world he was himself coming from.....

But then who in the world gets talked out of signing the loan papers & the deed on a house that is being purchased in a marriage when one knows that EVERYTHING is joint property.....sounds like there is some serious lack of knowledge on how to deal with real life situations on OP's part.

Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

Are you studying to be a lawyer?

I'm not saying you're petty. It's hard to express what seems to come across. It does seem like you are trying to out-argue your husband. And that you are looking for affirmation that you are right.

Of course, his stated expectations are nuts. I don't believe even he believes that he has a right to those expectations. So you are married to this kook. Your problem isn't that you have to prove something to him, or gain reassurance that it's okay for you not to cook daily. This isn't about cooking. Once you said that he threw you out of the house, you had more than proved your case that he is way out of line.

There is no other part to this story. This is what I have been told by him. When I finally got him to talk a couple weeks ago, he said he was sorry three or four times for having me sign the papers to the house. He said that I let him down because he was making all the money and I didn't do things a wife should of been doing. He said he gave me hints and that he shouldn't of had to tell me. That he was going to try to not get so angry. He would try to communicate (which he really hasn't).
He is SO stubborn that being this angry at me is ridiculous.
Rose76, that's a good start. Ask him where he sees himself in five to ten years.

What many of the posts here are trying to get across to you is that your husband is not mainly upset over you not cooking. He's deeply disturbed, alright, but it goes way beyond cooking. It's clear that's what he threw out at you as his complaint. I believe you. His complaint is so ridiculous that "petty" has nothing to do with it. What's coming out of his mouth is clearly not what is really bothering him. Something else is. I'm guessing the job is part of that.

So you may be "proving a point" with him, but the two of you are not talking about anything matters. I get that he may not be the easiest guy to engage in a mature conversation. Try asking him where he sees himself 10 years from now. Encourage him to talk about what are his alternatives to staying on this job that he hates.

Actually, it sounds like you two did some substantive talking. I think you said he admitted that getting you to sign away your ownership of the house was wrong. So that's a start . . . maybe the best you two can do at the moment.

We did talk about two or three weeks ago. We discussed how he had me sign the deed, how he can control his anger, maybe he can quit his job once I start working, and things about myself.
He is so stubborn and is holding a grudge against me. Life is short. Why hold on to this with this length? I'm not saying we are back 100%, things are ok right now.
Rose76, thats a great idea. I will start by asking that question. Do you have any other advice how to talk to someone this stubborn?

Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 11:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good post. Yeah you don't want to stay in bad marriage forever that's for sure. There might be kissing and hugging and talking( I wouldn't call it communication) but nonsense like buying expensive items like houses and boats for himself yet refusing to pay for last semester of school is very fishy. There is no true commitment there. Hugging and kissing is all fine and dandy. Not enough

Excuse after excuse. Mind you I stuck in bad relationships myself so I speak from experience! This doesn't sound good

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Exactly. He and I made an agreement when we married. That he would pay the tuition. My parents have paid for 2015. He hasn't yet to pay for this month which is due on the 15th.
Question. Is he offers to pay should I accept it? He gets so mad if he doesn't save every penny. He acts like we live in a card board box. We have more that middle age people have. He doesn't see that positive in life. He looks at what we don't have.
He told me last night if he finishes this project at work he is going to get a raise and a new company truck. My parents paid three months out of the eleven last year.

Seeyalater · Apr 09, 2015, 11:42 PM

[quote=divine1966;4389028]She says they've been together 6 years which means when they got together she was 18. I suspect there was no boyfriends prior to this one, how many could you have at 18?

I agree about therapy.

I overall notice many unusual things that might indicate lack of understanding what's important. Like every single post emphasizes who cooked what like first how many nights he cooked or she cooked and now he cooks more dinners when she not home etc why is it even of importance?

Two young people are so preoccupied with food. It is almost like focusing on minor things takes attention from what is really wrong with all this.
Dinner is petty. I totally agree. I wish my husband can talk to all of you and see what your comments are. He is stuck on the dinner. I stated that he cooked in the past. When he got mad and said I never cooked. I wanted to prove a point that he does cook as well yet he blew up.
I dont want to be arguing over this. He is the one that is stuck on this problem.

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