Non Speaking Husband

No I don't want you to tell me what he wants. I want outsiders advice to why he could be acting this way. I guess I need to know if he's always been like this and I didn't see it. Or is he having a bout of depression? Someone mentioned Narcissist.

Rose 76. People have been asking if my name was on the house he purchased right after we got married. I said yes I went in and signed a month later to have my name put on. We were in a hurry so the company had the paperwork ready. No one explained. We went in and I signed.
Well well!! Last week I found out the house is only his. The papers I signed gave up my rights to the house. I asked him about it. He was shocked that I knew. He said the company recommended that he do this. What the heck wasn't he honest in the beginning?
Now... Who should be the one mad?
This last week he keeps complaining that he's frustrated because he hates his job. Which now I know he really does hate it. Don't I have a right I be frustrated as well? Look at what he did without me know!!'

How come not divorce? I asked him last week. He said no. I asked if he wanted to separTe and go on his own or date. He got mad and said no. Why not? Isn't that easier?

He sounds jealous to me? You are in school and working two jobs and doing your thing but I haven't heard of any things that he's doing/interested in? He could just be a bit afraid you'll grow away from him, start to make more money, have a more interesting job, that sort of thing and he'll only be good for paying bills, not a very exciting way to think of one's self?

If he won't talk, there's not much point in speculating on what he's thinking/feeling? You pulled out of him that he does not want separation or divorce and it appeared to make him angry talking about it. He has said "it" is all your fault. To me, how he feels about you and what you are doing appears to be what's at fault; not literally "you".

I'd get proactive and ask him to go to a few therapy sessions together so you don't have to do all the work of trying to figure out what is actually wrong. If he will not go, that will tell you something else. If you want to live that kind of life, I would just shrug and keep doing what you are doing. I would move back and if he wants room to think or whatever, he can move out as he offered to. My advice would be to take him up on what he gives you and not buy into his drama. If he doesn't get talking as much as you'd like or help resolve his issues, then I would think about if I wanted to do something else for myself.

yes. He bought it by himself. We had been looking at homes. When I was out of town he found this and bought it without me knowing. He then surprised me. We knew how much he could afford and so we looked in that range. When he said he bought it I didn't know he was going to have me sign my rights off the house. The state that we live in when you marry it's automatically community property. Well until you sign all rights to take your name off.

To answer your questions he is doing it to you because he so far he has gotten away with it and because he views you as more vulnerable than himself and least likely to fight back. And yes, it is some sort of mental issue. Common sense would tell him that abusing you is no way to resolve whatever his career and family of origin issues are. But his common sense has left him. However, I'm more concerned about you. He cannot put you out of your own home. And since you are a couple, it is your home, too, regardless of who is actually paying the bills. It's time to be honest with him, with his family and with yourself. You don't need to wait for him to ask for a divorce, either. You would be well-advised to start acting on your own behalf and stop worrying about him. By the way, the way he is now … he is the man you married. You might not have seen that in him. But it was there. Stop couch surfing, go home, and if you need to, get a locksmith to let you in your own home. Bring the police with you, if you need to.

I agree with marmaduke's mention of men still tending to feel they must be earners - some feel it's basic masculinity and others have just been taught this from culture/environment - even if they don't even realize it sometimes, I think. . . .

Bear me with me through this story - I promise there is a reason for it.

My mother and father had both been breadwinners throughout my entire life with neither taking issue making more or less than the other, but when my dad was laid off and couldn't find another job because of industry cutbacks in general, he felt like a complete failure and spiraled into depression, continuing to state he felt he couldn't provide and that he was letting down and failing our entire family... Amidst this, my mother had started her own business and it was taking off, and that was another reminder of the fact he was not working. He had also been the caretaker of his worsening mother's health during this time with no help from his side of the family, feeling crushing responsibility and pressure. When she passed, this obviously added stress and grief. He then went into a stage of being nasty and impatient with just about everyone - everything was wrong unless it was his way. Anything he for which had an opinion was an explosively heated opinion. He'd confront anything, as long as it wasn't the thing that had put him in this state. Although he did not blame anyone per se, he was essentially emotionally abusing the whole family by forcing us to walk on eggshells 24/7, as we feared a backlash and subsequent spoiling of the whole rest of the day. He would say some pretty mean, harsh, tactless, and completely out-of-character things. He very clearly felt worthless & helpless and was trying to control everything else because he couldn't control that which he wanted to most. He would then moan that no one wanted to spend time with him, that it hurt. But, why would we want to at that point? It was full-on depression with the hangings-on of grief, but of course he'd never get professional help - again, upbringing.

After a certain point, tolerance and understanding only go so far - he had abused that support and shifted into feeling sorry for himself and using anything as an excuse to not get back to finding work/improving himself while continuing to lash out - he was being a child allowed to tantrum, and in some ways, that was our fault too. It took my mom basically saying: "I love you, I hate seeing you hurt, but I'm absolutely sick of this, and if something doesn't change on your end, I'm going to have to make some huge ones on my side that affect both of us that you probably won't like. For your own sake, for our marriage, and for your loved ones, you need to get your ***t together - I'm sick of trying to keep from drowning with you when you won't even try to swim, and I need to save myself."

She told him a gentler version of this to begin with, but after things didn't improve at all, she gave a second and last chance with that full punch. I've no doubt that my mother would have left - even with decades of marriage full of love. She is a woman of her word and self-sufficient... and my father knows that. When presented with his options and a verbal spreadsheet (again, twice) of what his behavior was doing to everyone and really looked like, he did make major changes. He began to pick himself up and dust himself off - which we all saw, and were happy to lend a hand to that endeavor. An ungraceful process and a slow one, rising from a fall in mud, especially mud you've sunken into for years (yes, years)...but in the end, he was still standing.

Now, my father is happier than I've seen him in years, since I was a little kid, having found another job (even though lower paying and different than before) made some friends, and gotten back to doing things that he enjoys. ...He is happy with himself again, and it shows. He's even eating better, getting some exercise, and has lost weight! He and my mother are back to being a couple. Also, my mother is enjoying more things after her sink-or-swim decision, and is less reliant on others determining her experiences. If she wants to see a movie and he doesn't feel like it, she goes anyway and has a great time! Even those little, seemingly mundane things have big effects.

...It's being as healthy as you can be.
Per Merrium-Webster - health: the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit; especially: freedom from physical disease or pain; flourishing condition.

The saying that we need to learn to love ourselves before we can love others is no BS, and it applies to so many more emotional acts than just love. Worth, support, joy... It is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. (Others include creamcheese packets in the microwave = unexpected candle, etc.)

But seriously. Does your situation feel healthy right now? Do you consider your condition to be flourishing? I think not. I see everything in your situation that I saw occur in my family, and I do not wish that on anyone.

Livingspaces and commuting aside -
Your husband was upset, you wanted to find out was wrong so you could help. He got upset, and you listened. You've given him space, which is what he asked for; you honored that request and in doing so supported his wishes to catch his breath - after all, we all need to sometimes. You've taken the time to cater to his wishes for the support of him feeling better, even at your detriment, to get to a point ready to discuss what is really wrong and alter things where called for. You gave him love and respected him.

He has not respected you.

In love, we can forgive moments, tolerate the wrongdoing in understanding the effects of the hurt in the individual.

But, as I've stated, tolerance and understanding can only go so far. And, a marriage is give and take.

He has not respected you or given you due consideration for your well-being during a time he knows is difficult (your Master's finalization). He is an adult and your husband, and he is responsible for knowing what his wife is doing. He is not exempt because he is having a hard time himself.

You've given him the support he asked for, and are now asking for discussion of the subject that will begin the repair of what has happened. He refuses to speak about it or offer the notion of its solution.

He blames you but won't talk about the core of what he is accusing you of. How can you feel bad or apologize for something you don't know?

He won't speak of your marriage and so won't repair it, but also does not want a divorce. You're there for him, but where is he?

He feels insecure about and is lashing out and punishing you for your successes because he is disappointed with his own progress and accomplishments rather than discussing it with you. He's having a tantrum because something's not fair, but he is an adult, not a child.

He has gone past that point of understanding and tolerance, and is abusing your support and your love. You've done much, and he will do nothing. He has done nothing during this time but get upset, be inconsiderate, and feel sorry for himself.

You've continued to work and advance your studies, which is fantastic...but you can continue to do other things. He cannot be holding you hostage waiting, let alone under terms he won't describe. How can you provide what he wants when he won't tell you what it is?

...Thing is, he's not a King, and you are in control of you. You don't have to wait on what he wants.

What do you want? It seems like he has been calling all of the shots and you, in trying to be supportive and not make things worse, have complied. But nothing is changing, nothing is getting better. Even worse, he is putting you through an emotional hell throughout, attacking anything so he doesn't have to face the thing he needs to.

It is difficult to be sure, but I think it's time for you to tell him what you and want and what you need. Don't let him take you down with him. If he wants to continue wallowing in his insecurities and feeling sorry for himself, let him. You'll be there when he's ready to stop throwing a tantrum and is ready to be a husband and talk with his wife. ....If that's what you want.

Don't let him walk all over you. Remind him, firmly if needed, that you are his wife and he is not your father. You married him because you wanted him as a husband, and if he's upset and tired of feeling like a father, tell him you're tired of him acting like a father. You didn't grow up and get married to put up with that ***t. It's unacceptable. You're also not his mother, and you don't need to pacify his tantrums.

Someone has to act, and with purpose, and it doesn't look like he's capable of doing that right now. Make the first move, and make it one for your sake.
And if you need help, ask for it. Reach out to his father, reach out to your own family - reach out for support for you.
Take your health in your own hands.

She said he has high school diploma and works for the family business. I understand saving money. But he was 23 they got married. Buying house, new car, boat. All cash. Don't know anyone who could that. You said it yourself "over many years". This guy didn't have many years to save

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marieburch,
Is any of the advice/support you are getting helping? Keep in mind though, these are all suggestions ok?

You are young, caught off guard, no one is expecting you to "know it all" ok? Get your masters though, keep things low key while you get that done. Then, you can work on this more when you don't have so much on your plate.

Easy, you have time ((maurieburch)). You will get this figured out.

Oh ok. I thought she said they just have basic bills nothing else and he only pays everything in full paying cash. I assumed no mortgage. Then I reread and they have mortgage, well he does as it is solely his house.

I honestly don't know anyone of this age who can buy a house unless their parents give them for down payment. Economy is bad in my state , you are talking back then, things changed

I personally would be out if my husband made me sign my rights off. And I am a major push over .

8 more weeks finish school and be on your own . He doesn't know what he wants? Well you do.

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In your first post you said he is the only one paying bills and it upsets him. Now turns out you are paying a lot if bills if not the most. Why is he complaining then he is the only one paying? I don't understand why you are paying bills for the house if it is not on your name. Electricity utilities gas etc I would only pay for groceries. Nothing that pertains to the house. I hope you paid nothing for the days you weren't even there!

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He pays the mortgage so he can feel more secure in thinking that the house totally belongs to him. When was this house purchased?